First Pregnancy

Getting There (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 3 Comments

I am a 26 y/o mother of one beautiful girl. I have always been small, but have been self confident of my belly as it had a little flab to it. When I got pregnant, I was 105lbs. I delivered my baby at 37 weeks and 147 lbs. I got stretch marks on my breasts, thighs, and stomach. I hate them. It’s hard to feel sexy with them, but there is nothing I can do so I guess they are here to stay.

I am now 10 months PP and starting to accept my body. My breasts used to be small and firm, but have changed. I am worried what will happen when I wean. I love them when they are full of milk, but after feeding they are deflated. My belly is still there, and still bothering me. I’m down to 105lbs again but am saggy and it bothers me.

26 yo
1 vaginal birth, 10 months PP
Breasts, PP, first child

Bottom to top: before pregnancy, 10 months pp, full breasts (when I like them), 8 months PP (my belly)

Pregnancy Loss (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, First Pregnancy, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions 3 Comments

It happened around two years ago and it was my first and only pregnancy. During this time I was finally living together with just my boyfriend (now Fiancé!) for a few months after moving from one share house to another. Once we received the keys we were ecstatic! Finally living our first own home. We had a discussion in which we decided if I fell pregnant it was meant to be if I didn’t -we tried. I stopped taking my contraceptive and boom, two months later we conceived what I believe to this day to be a girl (my partner thinks otherwise). I was thrilled to say the least I’ve always wanted to be a mother and it felt right.

I was happy and the day I found out I told my boss. Don’t get me wrong I know you are supposed to wait till three months but due to constraints of where I work I made sure I wasn’t going to do any activities that may risk the chance of my baby’s survival by telling her. The response I got “You are kidding me right? Go do “insert job here” I cant look at you right now” don’t get me wrong I love my boss and she meant it in the nicest way, she was just frustrated because I was the fourth person to fall pregnant in my workplace within 4 months- mine was two weeks after someone else! All four people that she now had to put on light duties! She later came to me and said Congratulations I’m very happy for you and hugged me.

At my work there was constant talk of pregnancies from all four of us and it was hilarious to watch all the males squirm over half of the conversions being “baby talk”. Each one of us was just as excited as the other. We loved talking about how far along we were and what ours looked like compared to how far the other one’s had developed. Each of us went for our first scans one after the other booking a day off to go ‘see’ what our bubba’s looked like. I waited until I could get the scan done outside of my body, just over 8.5 weeks, because I didn’t like the idea of something going into my body -it just freaked me out a little. When that day came I was so excited. I booked a time for when my partner could come with me and off we went. I had drunk too much water and was bursting to use the toilet much to my discretion I wasn’t allowed to use until after my scan. I jiggled and twitched and even asked how long they would be only because of how badly I needed to go!

Finally! I’m being seen and they push on my stomach and say I have drunken too much water and I have to let some out I was like wait what? once I go I wont be able to stop. They told me I had to stop! I came back and they tried again. She said it wasn’t enough! while thinking “thank goodness” i was a little frustrated at the same time -all I wanted was to see our baby! When I came back I was finally able to see the screen in which shows that little ‘bean’ that was supposed to sprout into our special baby they tried to find a heartbeat to which there was none. I went into shock as they told me to go straight to the doctors and gave me a letter. the doctor then sent me to the hospital to which I waited hours and hours to be seen. Once they saw me they prescribed me an anti-d needle and said I’m sorry there is nothing we can do and it was up to my body to reject what was now known to them as a dead foetus. to me it was still my baby -heartbeat or not. wait two weeks they said and it should happen. Nothing did so i made an appointment with the anti-natal clinic who sent me for a scan again to tell me the same thing again my baby had no heartbeat. I was then booked in for a D&C. The whole two weeks is still a blur while waiting for my miscarriage to “come”. I don’t remember much until the day I had to get time off of work. Having to tell a co worker instead of my boss -who was very busy at the time, that i needed particular days off next week as I was getting my child removed. Needless to say everyone at work found out before the boss did. I didn”t want to be the ‘new’ subject at work I was grieving at the loss of my unborn child and the gossip did not make it any easier.

The week of the procedure I also had to attend a wedding where toddlers walked down the isle and every family member that knew what happened was saying I’m sorry. At the time it did not make me feel any better but worse. Less than a month later I confessed to my father what had happened with the support of one of my friends beside me (I was visiting him over the other side of the country for his 60th). He didn’t take it well and said it was my “one chance to stuff up and I used it” Gee thanks. Nice to know I have his support. He then told his partner and who said well it’s only yr first serious relationship so its probably a good thing. I was upset and offended by what they both said. It has branded in my mind since then. I understand that my father was looking out for me at the time in his own way but it still pains me to this day. He has a very set order of the way things should go. Dating minimum of 2-4 yrs before moving in together from 4 yrs its marriage /buy a house then get a pet the next year if you can handle that and you are older than 25 then sure go ahead and make grand babies for me. The conversation put me off telling my mother that I had been pregnant and to this day she still doesn’t know.

Since then I haven’t really exercised or done anything except working and spending as much time as I can with my partner. (shift worker has it’s complications when there is never a set roster.) needless to say I’ve kept the babyweight (plus gaining a few more kgs) on and have no self esteem. I understand that these things happen it is all apart of pregnancy but I was so crushed and I am not as motivated as I once was. I don’t feel as sexy as I felt I once was and No matter how many compliments my loving man gives me I feel as they are not completely true.

Until I wrote this I didn’t realise I needed to talk it through.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Feeling Better About My Breasts (Sha)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Piercing, Postpartum, Submissions 9 Comments

Hello my name is Sha. I am a 23 year old, 5’6, 132 pound mama with one, perfect, healthy child. I had an “normal” vaginal delivery (helped along with a little Pitocin) with no complications or baby drama. My little girl was a healthy 7.12 lbs, 20 inches long! She was so beautiful (and still is)! Ever since I weaned my daughter from my breast at 14 months (~ 3 years ago), my breasts just do not look the way they used to, and I have finally come to the realization that they never will. I used to be a firm, solid C cup with cute little nips and now they are saggy, stretch-marked D’s with much larger aereola. I feel confident in a bra and sometimes I can’t even see the faint stretch marks that used to be bright purple, but when I am having sex with my husband (which is always naked), I feel like he is staring right at them (well… he DOES). I haaaaaate being “on top” for this reason. I feel like they “flap” around! He tells me that I am sexy and constantly makes dirty little comments about my body (what girl doesn’t like that?!) but I can’t help but feel like he is just doing it to make me feel better. I NEVER turn down his compliments or say, “You are just saying that” because I don’t want him to stop. I usually comeback with a “Thanks baby!”, or “Well it takes one to know one”, or flash him a dirty grin, etc., but I know what I see and I know it is the same thing that he sees. He seems like he is anti-breastfeeding now. I loved breastfeeding my daughter and definitely want to do it again with any future children, but every time we talk about it, he will be like, “Why would you put yourself through that again? Formula is fine. Plus it will help you go back to work”. It is a touchy subject and he knows the benefits of breast milk and the benefits for the mom, etc. I feel like since he knows all of this, he is really saying “What if your boobs get worse the second time around?!” I know he would never directly say that to me because he knows it would hurt my feelings, so I feel like he is trying to make other excuses. My belly went back to normal besides a few faint stretch marks on either side of my belly button, so there isn’t much “belly hate”. I have come to terms with my body and am trying to accept the flaws even though the memories of my “perfect” bod still haunt me.

(Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 7 Comments

Hi there, I’m a long time follower of this site and I do hope my submission is accepted. I’ve struggled so much with myself after (and during) pregnancy, but I’ve finally got the guts up to give this a shot.

I’m 26 years old, living in Australia. I get a lot of grief from others about being too young (excuse me?) and unmarried (not their business!) when I had my baby. She was a surprise – I have PCOS and have been told since I was a teen I wouldn’t have kids. Ha! I had a miscarriage a few month before I fell pregnant with my my baby girl, which was difficult.

Anyway, she’s 4 months old now, and she’s perfect. I feel like the failure. I had to have her by section (hooray breech babies!) and breast feeding failed because I got ill after the surgery (complications). I’m 155cm tall, and I was 47kg before I was pregnant. I was 66kg at delivery. I’m now 55kg and I feel gross. I look at myself and my hideous scar and just cry. I hate getting dressed because I don’t think anything looks good on me anymore. I was banned from exercise due to the surgical complications, so I’ve just been trying to eat healthily but it doesn’t quite cut it. And no amount of healthy eating or exercise can get rid of the scar from the section. My partner doesn’t listen when I try to talk to him about how I’m feeling, he just says things like ‘you knew things would be different, stop worrying about it, it doesn’t matter…’ But it does matter. It’s so hard to get confidence back, and when your partner (who is supposed to love and adore the baby AND you) pretty much ignores you and shows not much interest, it’s super hard.

Anyway, I attach my photos to try and be brave.

One Year Later (Deanna)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 10 Comments

~Age: 31
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 1 year

My whole life I have been thin. I’m 5’5 and I was always around 110 pounds. During my pregnancy I did my best to eat healthy, however I ate a lot and ended up gaining 60 pounds. I never thought stretch marks or loose skin would be a problem as my mother has my shape and she bounces right back after my brother and I with not one mark on her. She was in a bikini a month later. Even at 60 her stomach looks great!

I rubbed lotions on all of the time. I couldn’t work out because I had really bad sciatica, and now that I look back I probably didn’t drink enough water. I didn’t have one stretch mark until the day BEFORE my darling daughter was born. They just came out like wildfire. ALL over my stomach. The first few months after she was born, my stomach was just so bad. Dark purple stretch marks, sagging skin, and wrinkles all over my stomach. I have managed to get my stretch marks down a lot, and I am back to 118 pounds, (which I am proud of) but my stomach is ruined. :( I feel like it will never be flat and smooth again. I have this little pooch that always sticks out. If I bend over gets REALLY wrinkly and just hangs. It is so depressing. My boyfriend even said it is bad. I don’t have any breasts really so I always figured my stomach sort of made up for it. I would love a second child, I am just SO terrified my body will get even worse. I feel so bad about myself.

Photos:

Pregnant
3 months postpartum
6 months postpartum (side)
10 months postpartum (laying on side, wrinkles)
12 months (straight view)
12 months (side)
12 months (plank) :(((

“Is she pregnant? …Or just fat?” (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions 6 Comments

Back in my younger years I had always been pretty chubby, it wasn’t until about 3 or 4 years ago that I lost all the weight, stopped smoking and make it to around 140 lbs. I was not perfect looking by any means, but I did look somewhat fit and healthy overall. I am now currently in my 6th month of pregnancy and am insulted that people constantly make comments about how much I am “letting myself go”, especially at work. People seem to be surprised or taken aback with total disbelief that there’s a baby inside my body. Even my own mother has told me I look fat. She said, “Well you don’t look very big for being six months pregnant. You just look like you eat too much.” I find that this is hurting my self image physically and mentally, and making me want to cry. Cry because I know that my body is changing to support my son, yet I get called fat or over weight and asked, “Baby?! Where are you hiding it?!” I sometimes even get reprimanded by my prenatal nurses about the slightest ounce of weight I put on! I am not a big person (anymore) and I actually eat very healthy and well balanced meals and exercise regularly. What upsets me more is that I love children and would love to have two or even three, but being a first time mother with the experiences I have had so far have turned me off to the idea of having anymore children. It almost seems shameful to be pregnant and gain weight to support the life growing inside my body. I feel that the one size fits all pregnancy plan is not for everyone, because everyone is different. We all carry our children differently and our bodies adapt and support those children differently. Making pregnant women feel ashamed about their bodies or even their pregnancies during a time when it’s okay to put on some weight is not okay. Women should not have to feel badly about themselves when they should be beaming with vitality and joy. /end rant

Below: six weeks (right), six months (left).

Goodbye Forever, Bikini (Becky)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 14 Comments

Age: 24
Children: 1
Child’s age: 1 month

I have never been skinny. I’ve never wanted to be. I liked my size 8, athletic build with curves in all of the right places. I liked my boobs. I liked my body. Period.
When I got pregnant, my husband and I were so excited. Yes, the thought “oh my God what’s this going to do to my body?!” nagged at me a little bit, but I have always had a very strong mind and figured I could handle it. It couldn’t be that bad, right? I’m healthy, I work out, I eat well. I’ll be fine. Or so I thought.

I expected to have stretch marks. My mom has them, though they are very minimal. My sister- well, her stomach looked like someone took a set of kitchen knives to it (until she had a tummy tuck)! But my sister also had a VERY unhealthy, fast-food and diet-soda pregnancy. I would be fine, I thought. So I did everything “right”. I began a very strict skin care regimen and maintained it throughout my entire pregnancy. I took baths with vitamin-e oil. I used Palmer’s cocoa butter every day, twice a day on my belly, hips, thighs, and breasts. I drank more than a gallon of water per day. I ate a healthy diet. The day I went into labor with my sweet girl, I had gained 35 pounds- exactly what my doctor recommended, not a pound more or less. Despite all of that, I had stretch marks. I had them worse than my mother did. I have them worse than my sister did. They are all over my stomach, some on my hips. Thankfully, my breasts were spared.

I am devastated.

My daughter is beautiful. She graced us with her presence the day after she was due. And she was BIG and healthy and perfect. 8 pounds 7 ounces worth of healthy. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me… still I am feeling so unhappy with my body after birth.

I’ve lost all of my baby weight (and then some!) thanks to breast feeding and can’t wait to get to the gym to start working out. But I have spent countless hours researching only to find that these marks aren’t going anywhere. No creams or lasers or wraps are going to get rid of them, no matter what is promised by the advertisements. So here I am, on our family vacation, loathing all of the women in bikinis and knowing that I have said goodbye to mine forever. There are sexy one pieces that I can wear next year. I know that. But I’ll never quite feel as sexy as I used to. My husband is supportive. He says the stretch marks are just a part of life. That he doesn’t did me any less attractive with the scars if bringing our girl into the world. But I see him glance in the direction of the bikini-clad women who don’t have these damn stretch marks. (Some of them toting their own little ones around- HOW IS THAT FAIR?!) And it hurts. My once high self-esteem is plummeting.

I hope I get over it. But for now, I’m devastated.

Photos:
6 months pre-baby
38 weeks pregnant
1 week postpartum
3 weeks postpartum

My Story (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions 2 Comments

31 years old
1 Pregnancy/c-section
Almost 3 year old. Born 10pound 4ounces

I always thought my tummy was the way it was cause my little boy was so big and I was the only one with it, and the only weight I out on during pregnancy was all baby. I’ve often said to my husband how I’d like a tummy tuck after another baby. My little pouch feels so pronounced in pants and skirts like a little lump that just sits there and jiggles. I have been very lucky to not have too much excess skin or stretch marks. I’ve lost 10kgs since having my boy which has made it better and a little flater but over time and more so the last 12 months, I’ve come to love it, love it cause that’s where my boy came from AND I’m loads more body confident than I’ve ever been to the point I wore a bikini at Christmas time. This is big for me cause I have NEVER worn a bikini ever in my life. It was quite a profound moment and I’m so proud of myself for not caring.

Happy for any usage of the story Bonnie and pictures attached. Thankyou for your site, it’s truly amazing!!!!

Win Some, Lose Some (Nicole)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions 4 Comments

Nobody ever told me what to expect after pregnancy…it really isn’t a topic that is discussed socially or in the media. In fact, if it were even commonly heard of, I have a feeling a lot of young women would do everything in their power to keep their ‘bikini bodies’ in tact.

I found out I was pregnant when I was 19, I had my daughter shortly after I turned 20. She has been the biggest blessing in my life, but I always look at my body and it brings back a woosh of emotion. Mainly sadness.

I was always a very attractive and desirable girl… flawless skin, size 1, flat tummy, & a good heart. I was never vain. The only body issues I had every had was I felt my breasts were too small, since early on in high school I’d stuck with a size 34B. I weighed 115 lbs. pre-pregnancy, one year after birth I now weigh 120. It’s an extra 5 pounds that are here to stay. After my pregnancy, I had attained a few stretch marks that were silver the whole time, I did not realize I had them until after I gave birth, it was very disappointing to discover that I did have them when I thought I had made it threw with none. My boyfriend kept reminding me throughout my pregnancy that if I did get stretch marks, he would not be attracted to me sexually anymore. I feel that his cruel, thoughtless remarks are the reason that I held postpartum depression for so long. Many other flaws that probably nobody else would even notice: my belly ring hole had stretched out, I have a pouch and a crease that makes me appear as though I had had a c-section even though I delivered vaginally, my weight redistributed [I now have size C breasts which solved my breast insecurities; they are not as perky as they once were, but that doesn’t bother me], but along with that came wide hips & a lot of loose skin which makes it extremely difficult to find a pair of jeans or a shirt that fits me just right that flatters. Along with my new breasts, I gained a big booty after my pregnancy. And I like it!

Amongst many negatives and few positives, my metabolism slowed down dramatically making me prone to weight gain, which I am struggling with at the moment. It’s been extremely difficult for me to adjust from having a fast metabolism, eating what I want, when I want, to having to count every single calorie and carb to keep myself at a steady 120.
I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but I also can’t help but look at my appearance so critically. I am not who I used to be… no longer desired and flawless. So hard when all that men are programmed to appreciate is outer beauty and us women like to judge and compete for perfect figures. I have a beautiful and smart baby girl, and it seems so selfish to be worried about my appearance. My head tells me to knock it off & stop worrying about what others see because nobody is as critical to you as yourself. People say you come to terms with the changes, but I don’t think you do, you just learn to live with it because that is all you can do.

Letting Go of Judgement (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum 2 Comments

My daughter turned one a few weeks ago. I went back to the submission I made to this site when she was just two weeks old. It brought back a lot of happy emotions to recall my little newborn and how she came into this world, but it also conjured up a lot of negative emotions.

I felt ashamed. I read the text, and the more I read the more it reeked of self-righteousness, like I knew all the answers. Arrogance.

It’s amazing how much can change in one year. One year. Twelve months.

I’ve learned to let go of a few of things. A lot of judgement. I still judge, but I like to think that it’s a lot less than it used to be. I’ll give you some examples.

I used to think that people who opted for disposables were lazy and hurting the environment. Guess what? I’ve used disposables.

I used to think poorly of parents if I saw them out with their baby late at night. “Why, surely that baby needs to be in bed,” I used to say to myself. Funny how easy it is to judge parents when you’ve never had a baby yourself…

I used to look down on women who didn’t breastfeed, like they were intentionally not giving the best to their babies, but then I realized that, first of all, it’s none of my business, and second of all, all moms out there are trying their best. Do I wish there were more initiatives to educate pregnant women on the benefits of breastfeeding and help new mothers breastfeed? Sure. But do I think everyone is like me and adores breastfeeding? No (and this is something I had to learn).

I’m beginning to realize that judging people only perpetuates criticism and arrogance.

Now that my daughter is past one year and still breastfeeding, I’ve begun to receive criticism from people around me. Suggestive words. Harsh looks. “You’re still breastfeeding?!” they ask. “Even during the DAY?!” they prod.

It’s not that I’ve stopped caring about things. I’m simply “letting go” of a few things. You want to judge me? Go ahead, that’s your prerogative. But I’m not going to reciprocate those negative feelings. I’m not going to waste my energy, my time, thinking badly about you and making assumptions about your life when I could be playing or snuggling with my daughter.

Thank you, Bonnie, for creating this site. It’s a great resource and I love reading people’s stories.

And just for fun, here’s a picture of my stretch-marked belly one-year postpartum. I’m sort of indifferent to my stretch marks now, whereas before I was upset to look in the mirror and see them.

071714-anon-1