First Pregnancy

Closure and Acceptance (Melissa)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 6 Comments

Previous post here.

Age: 23
Number of Pregnancies: 1
Number of Births: 1
PP: 8 months today

I have been keeping up with the readings here, and honestly I do not know what I would have done without this website. Reading your stories, seeing real pictures, have been an eye opener, and an equalizer in all senses of the word. Thank you for this site.

First I have to say to all you women beginning with PP, things will get better. I had a c-sectionwasn’t able to breastfeed and had borderline PPD. My relationship fell apart, my family suffered, I was miserable.

All it took was for me to stand in front of the mirror and accept things that I could not change. I have the “pouchy tummy” the “ungodly” stretchmarks, and some extra weight, but I have accepted it as a work in progress. My body kinda droops now, but I kinda laugh at myself and poke at it thinking that “eventually” I’ll work it off.

However I put on my bathing suit today, got in pool, did some laps and felt oodles better. I remember last summer not being able to get into the swimming pool because I was pregnant and my daughter didn’t like the feeling. I laughed at myself, told myself how out of shape I was and got out.

Then it hit me. I really don’t care anymore. I have accepted that this body brought a gorgeous, beautiful little girl into the world, and all she is going to see is mommy. She won’t see the imperfections, she won’t see the fat. She will see a person that will do anything for her, and keep her safe.

This is what really matters. Not weight, not stretchmarks, not tummy tucks… the love of a child. I know I will have my ups and downs with my body image, but really who doesn’t? I stumbled across a site yesterday that was pro-anorexia. Women on this site were tearing apart celebrities bodies like Hayden Pantierre and Emma Watson saying they were fat and could stand to lose 15 pounds. I was sick.

But I then I thought I was no better than those girls who were skinny mourning a slight skin bulge: I was complaining about something that I could not fix over night. Something that needed to be accepted and if I wanted to change it it would take time. I was chasing the image of my “highschool” figure… one forever captured in photographs.

I may not be that fit girl anymore… but I am a woman. I have done what that girl never could: I brought life to my daughter. And nothing anyone could offer could make me regret having my daughter.

Today marks the 8 month PP, and I know it is customary to post pictures of ourselves, whichever stage of grieving or acceptance we are in. Well I’m not going too. However, I will share with you the love of my life, and why I have come to accept, embrace and love the body that brought her forth: I probably will not post anymore either, but I will read and provide comments and such. Thank you for this site, and sharing with me.

Picture 1: Scarlett Mozell :)
Picture 2: Scarlett and I performing at local Renaissance Faire. Yep we’re in a guild : )

I want myself back. (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Submissions, Vulva 33 Comments

I have a gorgeous 16 month old son. I am 21, myself. I feel terrible about my body. I don’t feel like the same person, I literally look at pictures of myself before giving birth and think to myself how I miss that very faraway strange person. it never leaves my mind. If I am alone and undistracted to long I think of ending it all. Its not just my saggy breasts, my watermelon striped jelly belly but my new vagina. Its horrific. I never queefed before. I feel like a bug could crawl up there. Sex is exponentially less good, sometimes painful. The doc says im normal. I had no tearing. The “normal” part makes me feel so much worse like I’m supposed to accept it, and as if everyone else already has accepted for me the fact I am a mom now and nothing else, much less someone who should care about sex or have good sex. I never had given mom sexuality much thought, especialy with so many celebrity births but now I feel like “Oh duh! being a mom is the precursor to being old! to having a not tight pussy! to no longer being first choice!” I feel all used up. I thought when people say stuff like “Oh you look great for having kids” they meant oh you lost weight. So what? who cares about weight when you have puckered, sagging, marked up skin, floppy breasts and a weird looking loose pussy?! I feel violated and robbed in ways I didn’t know were possible.

Id really like to thank you for creating this website I was thinking of doing something similar but not as positve when I ran across Shape of a Mother. I am in therapy for PPD. Rx drugs seem to numb me at best. Looking through your site has been my first flicker of real hope and break from intense aloneness and feelings of worthlessness. I know I have a looong way to go and am still looking into LVR and cosmetic procedures but the world seems allot less foreboding now. I saw other women saying the same thing I was thinking upon finding The Shape of a Mother, Id never feel so negative towards another woman in my position.

Goodbye beautiful body, hello beautiful daughter. (Elivert)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 4 Comments

I have 21 years old. For a long time my body had taken care of no gain, of stretch marks,always look my beautiful belly. Until I met my lovely husband, who has supported me and always wanted, we wanted very much a baby in our lives.

Until a year ago gave us the news of my pregnancy cute, and today at 4 months postpartum, I have the most beautiful in the world, my daughter, and the havoc it caused in my pregnancy with stretch marks until my stomach and few extra pounds.

My daughter was born on 9 1 / 2 pounds and very healthy, I’m trying to accept my body positively, see my life with “I am a mother” I have not got my body and my life before but I have a precious gift, good two precious gifts My daughter and husband Milind who supports me and loves me so, are the most beautiful I have in life and is the only thing that need to be happy, but you always want to look better.

I thought undergo a abdominoplastic and improve the appearance of my new body,which I hate but is the sacrifice of the most beautiful and paid profession in the world,become mothers. I look forward to seeing me sexy for my husband, is the most important and to whom I am full after my daughter.

these are my photos:1- before Pregnancy2- 1 months pregnancy3- 5 months pregnancy4- 8 months pregnancy5- 1 months postpartum6-7 – 3 months postpartum, my belly.

Updated here.

For Ava (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 17 Comments

Age: 23
Number of pregnancies: 1, Births 1
4 Weeks postpartum

I am 23 years old and had my beautiful daughter 4 weeks ago. When I found out I was pregnant, I weighed 126 pounds, the day I delivered my daughter Ava, I weighed 186. I gained 60 pounds!! I am 5’7 and have always been very thin. My main issue with my body is NOT the weight gain, it is the horrible stretch marks. A week after giving birth via c-section, I had lost 20 pounds. I have since lost a total of 30 pounds. I used to have a GREAT body, now when I look in the mirror I am so disgusted by what I see. I have massive stretch marks on my stomach, thighs, inner thighs, back of my legs, back of my knees, my waist, breasts and my butt. I did not use any lotion during pregnancy because I heard that it doesn’t matter how much lotion you use, if you are going to get stretch marks, then you will get them. I am so depressed by the way my body looks, it is summer and I cannot wear a bikini. I am now trying to find a tank tini so it will at least partially cover these hideous things. Nobody I know has stretch marks as bad as mine and that makes me feel horrible. My husband tries to encourage me and say ” they will go away” or “they will get lighter” but it doesn’t matter, until, then I am disgusted. Even though I feel disgusting, I am soooo grateful for my sweet baby girl and would do it all over again. In time I will learn to accept my new body and maybe they will get lighter or some may even go away.

Picture Me (Lady Tea)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions 3 Comments

Age: 34
1 pregnancy, 1 child (5 years old)

Originally posted at Lady Tea’s blog.

This photo is quintessential me: sunglasses on my head, always a sweater handy (layers, you see, are a very important defense against schizophrenic Delaware weather), sandals (not quite as good as barefoot, but close), hanging out in nature with my favorite little guy.

It’s one of my favorite photos – but not so much for how I look. I like it because of how I felt about myself when it was taken.

I have had body issues since I was eight years old. I was a heavy child (teased mercilessly), an anorexic teenager (but I learned how to be sassy), and I’ve been up and down ever since. Even when I was at a healthy weight for my height (six feet), I never felt comfortable in my own skin until after my son was born.

In his first year I lost something like 75 pounds from my pregnancy weight (from a combination of nursing and a dairy/soy free diet for my son’s infant food allergies). I was back at the weight I think suits me best, and for the first time in my grown-up life I felt right. I thought I looked good – proud of what was long and what was curvy, but not worried about what wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t trying to impress anyone – I was too busy enjoying being a mommy – and being me.

This picture is from just about that time.

When my son was two, I injured my back trying to haul him into his car seat (gawd love him, he thought it was great fun to run through a parking lot). It took me ten months to recover, and by that time I had become must less active. I finally learned to combat the pain with McKenzie stretches, but within a few months after that I developed a terrible sinus infection that morphed into daily migraines. In the two-and-a-half years since I’ve had sinus surgery, a mess of medical tests and procedures, and been on and off a variety of medications including a blood pressure med that caused me to gain twenty pounds (the doctor said it would come right off when I stopped taking it– it didn’t). I’m now thirty pounds heavier than I was in this picture, dependent on pain killers for chronic pain, and leading a far too sedentary life.

On the bright side, I’ve managed to hold onto the stronger body-love that giving birth to my son gave me. I mean I’m not thrilled with what I see in the mirror, but I (rarely) get hung up on it the way I used to, and I can still find things about myself to be proud of. For example, my breasts are plump and bouncy, and quite useful for drawing attention away from my weak chin. Also, my legs are still long and look good in tight jeans – height has its advantages.

Still, this photo reminds me of things I’d like to have back. I’d like to be able to take those long walks without getting winded. I’d like to fit in those skinny jeans again. I’d like to be more healthy overall – I’ve been struggling for that, but somehow it keeps dancing just outside of reach. I feel like I’ve got so many things clamoring for my attention that I can’t seem to give my own body and health the focus that it needs.

And by many things clamoring, I pretty much mean that little guy in front of me. I feel like it’s all I can do to keep up with him, to give him all that he needs, to be a good Mommy. The things that make up the rest of me – writing, friendships, work, volunteering, maybe even a full uninterrupted thought – get squeezed into the margins, and there’s just not much energy left over to… count calories. Do stretches. Hike the trails. I mean, I try. But it’s hard.

Motherhood is such a give and take. I feel blessed – and stressed. I feel good about myself, but too tired to feel better.

Still, I think it’s better than living to extremes – too heavy, too fat, and never happy or at home with who I am. I feel like I’m moving closer to balance. With time, maybe I’ll get back to that healthy medium and, because of this struggle, maybe then I’ll have the strength to maintain it.

In the meantime, I got a pretty cool (if rambunctious) little sidekick to keep me on my toes.

Update (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Butt, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 15 Comments

Previous entries here and here.

im 24 in july – my amazing son will be 4.

I have posted 2 times previous to this… i still have my days where i get down on myself, but overall i know im beautiful as well as my shape of a mother :D

I started using trilastin stretch mark cream 2 months ago- i can no longer see the darker stretchmarks, and my silver stretchmarks are now smooth and lighter. which is a good thing for my confidence but they are still there reminding me everyday that i brought my son into this world. Now dont get me wrong i would LOVE to have a tummy tuck, i dont feel that i need to wear pregnancy results, when i have my loving little boy to remind me everyday.

i am DEFINATLY wearing a two piece this summer, regardless of what anyone else thinks or says. :) im a PROUD mommy! here are some updated photos— laying down on my side, sitting up (you can see i have stretch marks inbetween my thighs as well), full frontal, butt (dimples and stretchmarks) and me after a workout.

Updated here and here.

My Twin Skin (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Twins 13 Comments

I’m trying to come to terms with my twin skin.

Before I got pregnant I was a little over my prefered weight at about 125 lbs. I gained almost 70 lbs during the pregancy, but most of it was swelling and of course two babies weight a lot too. After my boys were born I lost most of the weight in a couple of weeks, but after that I’ve been stuck at around 140 lbs. I don’t think my weight is so much of an issue, but I wish I could lose a few pounds.

What really bothers me is the way that the pregnancy has treated my body – I had small boobs before, and now after the breastfeeding they are a whole cup size smaller – and one sags and the other one doesn’t! My already big thighs and butt got even bigger (I think that is actually where most of the extra pounds are sitting) and of course my stomach, well it’s just not to describe!

I think I look absolutely terrible. But I feel like I also have to mention: I love my little boys to pieces and I don’t want to remember what it was like without them – and I know I could have gotten a lot more of stretchmarks and a bigger twin skin – but I wish I could have my old body back! Some days (most days) I am okay with it and just try to wear clothing that hides it, but some days (like today) I go on a bummer about it and want to feel sexy again.

~Age: 21
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1 nearly full term twin pregnancy, 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 2 boys, 12 months old.

Finny and the ‘Broids (Mel)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Fibroids, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 6 Comments

I’ll be the first to admit I’m a little vain. It’s definitely not a quality I embrace, but still, it’s there.

As long as I can remember I have had body issues. Even when I was a scrawny, adolescent little girl, I remember wearing sweats or shorts over my leotard to my gymnastics classes. I would suck in in the mirror and see how long I could hold my stomach in. In middle school I was terrified of wearing a swimsuit during our school supervised trips to the pool. My next door neighbor and best friend was one of those girls who weighed 80 lbs dripping wet and her mom was so proud. She took us shopping for outfits to wear for the school talent show and I remember her praising her daughter for being so thin. I felt like a giant next to her.

The last few years I really came to terms with my body. I cut out processed food (with the exception of work goodies. Let’s not get crazy). I was running pretty regularly. I was happy with who I was and what I looked like. Then I found out I was pregnant.

It was not a surprise. We were trying. Still, I knew pregnancy would not be fun. Due to some pretty hefty fibroids my uterus started out the size of a four month pregnancy. Not so great on a vain girls ego. I was in constant pain and all of my old insecurities returned. I hated when people used the phrase eating for two. I cried at restaurants because I felt everything would go straight to the scale. I dreaded every doctors appointment due to the weigh in. Still, my baby boy grew and so did I. I measured ahead the whole time because of the ‘broids so my awesome ob didn’t put me through the torture of measuring the belly. One OB was so excited to see my large fibroids that he laughed out loud clapped his hands and exclaimed “You don’t see that everyday!”. Actually, I do. And if you don’t stfu I’m going to shove your stethoscope down your throat.

Did you have hot, young med students come to check out you super, cool growth? I did. Put my weight fears aside and inhaled a whole lotta Sonic after that appointment. I had 7 different creams for stretchmarks but despite a paltry 17lb weight gain they came.

I checked this site daily. I won’t lie, I looked for posts of girls who bounced back. I wanted hope that my body could be even close to what it was.

My little Phinny came six weeks early and was “The absolute healthiest 4 lb range baby he had ever seen” according to my pediatrician. My largest fibroid was so pronounced after I gave birth that my doctor joked I was going to scare all the nurses. I was surprised I didn’t care. In fact, I didn’t care about a lot of things. Sure I was rubbing cream on my belly, hoping the marks would fade, but I was ok. Giant boobs, those I hated. I nursed and pumped for a little over a year (never thought I could do it!) and then the boobs went away.

Here I am 14 months later and just now am I really starting to worry about my body. The days where I try on 3+ outfits out number the ones I don’t and I’m really wishing I had more time to go out for a run. Still. I may not be one of those you could never tell she was pregnant girls, but I’m pretty satisfied. Don’t ask me five minutes from now because I might change my mind.

Age-27
1 pregnancy/birth
14 months

Fibroids/body issue

Save the Mom Jeans (Jenna Moffit)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions 6 Comments

Age 24; Pregnancies 2; Births 1; 8 months post partum

There are too many days I wake up to my 8 month old daughter talking to herself in her pack and play at 5 am. When I look in, she sees me and her face lights up with joy; I can’t help but pick her up, put her in my husband and my bed, and pray for just 30 minutes more sleep. What I get, rather, is my hair pulled and kicked in the tummy. Between my daughter, our two dogs, my husband and me, our queen sized bed fills up pretty quickly. I roll out of our bed, pick her up, and we start our day. The days I don’t have to work, I immediately get thrown into a whorl-wind adventure of dirty diapers, sweet potato and peas, and of course chasing our golden retriever around, attempting to get the socks he has stock piled somewhere in our tiny apartment. Those days, I’m lucky to get a shower, let alone put make up on. On the days I work, I quickly get the two of us ready, and shuffle off to drop her off at her babysitters before I rush off to work, hoping to get coffee so I can stay awake throughout the day. Every day I wish I could sleep in until 12, take a 30 minute shower, put make up on and do my hair (in other than a pony tail that looks like I didn’t brush it), but those days are long gone. But would I change it? Absolutely not, because my daughter’s smile brings me more joy than not looking like I’ve just rolled out of bed ever has. Am I embarrassed of how I look: every day? Thank goodness my body bounced back pretty quickly (minus my breasts, which now hang somewhere by my belly button), or I think I may be completely devastated.

My lack of fashion isn’t the only area of my life to be drastically different. The complete aloneness I feel from the people I used to call friends is becoming more and more apparent to me. Being a mother and a young adult sometimes do conflict, but I wasn’t aware that also included the people who were once around me. I suppose our priorities do differ drastically, but I never imagined that people I were so close to would have never met my daughter in her 8 months of life. Hopefully there will be a day when that changes, but until then, my husband has always been my best friend anyways. Thank the universe for him.

So I’ll go home this evening, fix my daughter her favorite meal of spinach, apples, rutabagas and cereal, feed it to her while I’m in my pajamas, and go to bed at an early 8 pm. I’ll wonder if there’s ever going to be a time again when I have time to look decent when going out, or if I’ll ever have a best friend to call my own, knowing both are probably not going to happen any time soon. I’ll kiss my gorgeous daughter goodnight, put her favorite pink hippo in her arms, and tuck her in. Fight with the dogs for space on my growing smaller by the minute bed, and get ready to take it all on again tomorrow.

Want What You Don’t Have; Hate What You Do (Amanda Romero)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 10 Comments

Age: 26
Number of Pregnancies and Births: One Pregnancy, One Birth
Postpartum: Three and a Half Months

I have been through the entire gambit of physical appearance. I was born a healthy baby. I was in the 90’s as far as my percentile was concerned both in weight and height. By age four I became ill with mono and became a skinny, waif-like creature. I remained that way, skinny and tall for the rest of my childhood. As I progressed into the world of womanhood, I didn’t really feel I looked the part. I was still very skinny. No hips, no breasts, no curves. Then in college I really began to put on weight. All of a sudden, I had curves where I never had. I looked like the woman I had wanted to be when I was rail thin, but now that I had that body, I hated it too. The reality of having those beautiful curves, was that they came with some that were also deemed not to be, but times were hectic and I had a lot to do. As life went on, I continued to gain weight at a slow and steady pace. I went from being a slight girl at 120 lbs, an athletic girl at 145 lbs, a curvy girl at 165 lbs, and in my mind, a fat girl at anything above 170 lbs. So, needless to say, when I became pregnant at 228 lbs, I was pretty much disgusted with the reflection in the mirror.

When I was in my 11th week I was tested for gestational diabetes. At first they said I did have it, then they said I didn’t. Never-the-less, the fright of potentially having it convinced me to remain on a strict diabetic diet. I spent my entire pregnancy either nauseous or hungry, but I refused to let food get the best of me. I wasn’t going to let my weight endanger my baby. I hated every minute of it. By the end of my pregnancy, after it was all said and done, I had lost 20 lbs and I had given birth to a beautiful baby girl at 7 lbs 10 oz who had zero complications.

I looked in the mirror and found a body that was more slender most everywhere. My legs, my arms, my face even. The stretch marks had been very few, only mild extensions of the ones I already had. The thing that would not let go though was the belly, a sore spot I’d always had. No jeans fit. I don’t have the waist any jean company seems to think I should have. (Oh my God, is THAT why my mom wears her jeans up to her boobs?!?!) I would look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman, sans-belly. But let’s face it; you’re not going to have a nice butt, nice boobs, and NOT have full thighs and some tummy. Pictures everywhere try to convince you otherwise, but that is not the true anatomy of a woman. A woman has curves, EVERYWHERE, and all of them are beautiful. Especially on a mother!

I look back on it, and I realize, I always wanted what I didn’t have, and when I got it, it always came with something else that somehow didn’t fit the bill of beauty. Why? Why was that? It was as easy as looking at the thousands of crappy infomercials that bombard us. Self-hate pays. To loathe parts of your anatomy is what sells that perfect sit-up, that push-up bra, that plastic surgery, the gobs of make-up. If I looked in the mirror and thought to myself, I look beautiful…what could they sell me? Nothing. On the other hand, if there was something I always needed to fix, then there is always a “fix-it” product they could shove down my throat. Even with this realization, is has been so ingrained in me that I must look a certain way, I still struggle with the new form my body has taken. I am hopeful that at the sight at all these other beautiful women, I will come to find more and more strength as each day passes. Thank you for being there, thank you for reminding me. I will not deny the beauty of the transformation my body went through to make my gorgeous daughter, nor the meaning it possesses. Because I can’t. Now my beautiful little girl is also well into the high 90’s in her percentile of growth too (just like her momma), and when I look at her, I see the most beautiful little girl there ever was. And she needs to know that, so when every other infomercial tells her otherwise, she can remember the loving words of her mother, “You are beautiful,” and believe it, because her mother never looked in the mirror and said “I’m fat,” or “I’m ugly.”