First Pregnancy

A Never-Ending Struggle (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Cesarean, First Pregnancy, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression 16 Comments

Age: 20
Number of Births: 1
Child: 7 Months Old

i’ve posted before, but not on a topic as specific as this. so, no pictures this time– just a story that i’m hoping some other women can relate to. not exactly the happiest, but i’ve found that people find comfort in relating with others, regardless.

it took me weeks to figure out that something just wasn’t right after i had my son. it wasn’t him, it was myself. it was the way i was acting, my feelings, my stress levels. it just wasn’t normal. i didn’t think it was a problem until i did a little research and came to the conclusion that i might have post-partum depression. it took one morning of me feeling like i was going to snap, crying and begging my fiance to help me, to stay home from work just ONE day to give me a break, that i couldn’t take it anymore. my son had been up practically all night, he was screaming, nothing could console him. i was at the end of my rope, and he just left. nothing he’s ever done hurt me more than him doing that to me that day. i literally told him i was afraid that i was going to do something terrible, and he just left us. he told me it was because he “had a responsibility to be to work” and he “couldn’t just leave them short-staffed”. and, stupid me, here i was thinking, “you have a responsibility to protect your baby and to make sure your fiancee is OKAY.” i was not okay that morning, nor was i okay in the weeks that led up to that. he ignored it. i am still holding a grudge from that, and i’m aware of it. but as many times as i’ve tried to talk to him about it, he shuts down and just acts like it’s nothing he cares to hear. (don’t get the wrong impression of my fiance, though. he’s an amazing, loving, providing father and a good man.) so i stopped trying to talk to him about it. i made an appointment to go see my doctor that day. i got put on anti-depressants but it’s still lingering some days and there’s been times when i went without it longer than i should have…. i know now that i really do NEED those pills. it’s like i’m completely hopeless.

i don’t want to do anything some days. and by that, i mean all i want to do is just sit and do mind-numbing things like browse facebook and pinterest and watch shows. i don’t want to do laundry, i don’t want to clean the house, i don’t want to do the dishes, i don’t want to do anything productive. there’s even some days where i don’t want to interact with my son. it breaks my heart, because i know i should cherish every minute of it, but sometimes i just put a movie on and let him be. i’m so envious of the mothers who can fill their day with being super mom’s. it’s like they can do it all, with a smile on their face, and love every minute. that’s not me right now. i can barely force a smile on my face when something is funny. it’s just… fake. it’s not even a matter of me feeling sorry for myself as it is me just feeling hopeless about things.

my fiance acts like i’m doing all of this on purpose. he tells me “why don’t you make plans with your friends? why don’t you do this? why don’t you go somewhere?” i don’t want to interact with people. i have no desire. no energy. i don’t want to have to get myself ready to go anywhere. i don’t want to try and push out conversations when everything i want to say is negative and depressing. no one wants to be around someone like that. i never have a vehicle to leave the house, even if i wanted to. i don’t answer my phone 99% of the time because i don’t want to talk. even when i do try to reach out and talk to my friends, i have nothing to say. i do nothing all day, i have no news to share. i want to start working and go back to school, but i don’t want to be around anyone. a big part of that is that i gained so much weight from starting birth control, being home all winter with no way to exercise and “boredom eating”, and now my comfort and source of being not so bored is cooking and baking. it takes up time, it’s one of my hobbies, and i get to eat it after. my entertainment used to be going out, shopping, school, friends, and being too busy for much else. i literally will spend so much time some days just looking back through my old pictures and seeing how tiny i was, how beautiful and full of life i was. i was funny, i was fun, i was happy. now, i see a fat, very unhappy, very hopeless person and i just can’t see that light at the end of the tunnel. it’s not that i don’t want to, because i so desperately do, but i just don’t see a change happening in me.

i feel like i’m wasting my son’s memories (my memories of him, i mean) as a baby. i feel like i’m preventing him from learning, experiencing, and being a happy fulfilled baby because of myself. i feel like i don’t remember the past 6 months. i feel like it’s been a blur that i just slept through or got into such a routine that it became automatic and every day felt exactly the same. i feel so incredibly guilty, every day. i should be taking him outside, i should be rolling around on the floor playing with him, i should be reading to him so much every day, i should be doing so much more. i just don’t have it in me.

i don’t talk to anyone for entire days at a time. i bug my fiance at work all day asking him when he’ll be home, praying that he’ll be out earlier. i get so, so mad at him when he tells me a certain time and i practically wait at the window, watching for the car to pull in, and he doesn’t get home until two hours later because he had to stay later and didn’t tell me. instead of telling him that i’m upset because i was excited to see him, excited to have someone to talk to, i get mad at him for it because it feels so cruel to me. but he doesn’t know that i’m just desperate for adult interaction. i have no one to talk to, all day long. i have nothing to do, and it makes me feel worthless. i just wish he would understand that all i want is some support and for HIM to understand. i tell him “i wish you knew what it was like. i wish you could be in my place for a few weeks so you could understand how difficult it is. he doesn’t factor in my depression, because he acts like it’s non-existent. he gets mad and says “well i have to actually work” and makes me feel like me staying at home and mothering our child is a vacation while he’s doing all the “important” stuff. it makes me feel, again, worthless. and then when he tells me “well why don’t you get a job” in a degrading type of way, it makes me feel like i’m lazy, like i’m reliant on him for everything. but the fact is, no matter how badly i want to get back to the old me, i don’t want to be around people. it scares me. it makes me so unbelievably uncomfortable. and he doesn’t…get it. nor does he act like he cares to. it’s so hurtful to me and so frustrating and it’s the cause of so many of our fights. if he would just open up to me and TRY to understand, it would make things so much easier. i wouldn’t have to hide my feelings with anger and yelling and frustration. i could just TELL him, this is what’s wrong, and this is why. but i can’t. and it’s really making things a million times harder for me to have the one person i should be able to tell everything to not wanting to hear it. why don’t i deserve respect and support?

Update (Dee)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Butt, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 3 Comments

Original post here.

Age: 18
# of Pregnancies/Births: 1
Age of Child: 17 months

It’s been 1 year since my first post and I’m now 17 months postpartum. My body hasn’t changed drastically in that time, but there has been some progress. My once pink stretch marks on my stomach, butt, and hips are now invisible in photographs and not noticeable unless I stretch my skin to emphasis them. 1 year ago I was at 115 lbs and now have dropped to 105 lbs, which is less than my pre-pregnancy weight. My breasts are the most depressing part of my body. I feel completely flat-chested and embarrassed that I don’t have ANY natural cleavage. They make me so sad and I look forward to getting implants one day when I can afford it. Recently, I’ve become somewhat depressed and I feel like it’s getting worse. My boyfriend and I live separately because we can’t qualify to buy a home yet. In attempt to help our family and because I felt like I needed some independence, I got my very first job. I ended up never getting to see my boyfriend. My daughter wouldn’t adjust to daycare and it was so damn expensive that at the end of the day I hardly made $10. On top of all that, I cheated on my boyfriend with a guy I worked with. It was just a kiss, but I still felt terrible and my boyfriend got it out of me. I quit my job with my head hung low because not only did I not help my family financially AT ALL (I just about broke even after gas, daycare, and clothes/shoes I had to buy for work), I lost my boyfriend’s trust and violated our relationship. I feel like a failure. It makes me feel so horrible when I’m sitting at home with my daughter and I cry. She’ll bring me a tissue to wipe my eyes and give me a hug and kiss. I know that I need to be strong for her, but I feel helpless. Being self-reliant is completely out of reach for me at this point in my life. Now that I’m not working I need to get back into the swing of all the household cleaning and chores that need to get done, but I just haven’t been motivated. With all that being said, my body actually makes me happy most of the time, except for my breasts of course. I’d love to get into modeling, but I’m worried that my tattoos, scars, and lack of height will prevent me from getting anywhere. Every day is a struggle for me right now, but I know I need to keep my head up and tell myself that everything will turn out okay. Thanks for reading.

Photos:
1-3. Postpartum body
4. My little Daisy

Face of a Single Prayer (Allyshia)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Teen Mom 7 Comments

age: 17.
Pregnancies: 2 // births: 1 and 1 on the way!
Age of children: 13 months and 9 weeks pregnant :)

I was 15, struggling through anorexia and I was 78 lbs. I was 4’10” and still am at the moment! I was about 87 lbs at the time I conceived my daughter and my weight went up and up and up! I had a sudden realization that I needed to eat. So from 200 to 1800 calories a day I went. I put on about 25 lbs in the first 20 weeks. Which, was actually 20 lbs of weight I needed for myself. So 5 lbs for baby! By 38 weeks, I was 138 lbs. I had gained about 30 for baby and 20 for me. I felt pretty good. Big but good! I didn’t get stretch marks untl 28-29 weeks though. So I had a long way and a lot of stretch marks to gain. I got them on my boobs, butt, back, belly, the back of my knees, my ankles, everywhere!

On February 24, 2011 at 12:30 am, my water broke. At 8:50 am, after only 3 hours and 20 minutes of hard labor, my beautiful 7 lb 11 oz baby girl was born naturally. No epidural. Nothing. Just breathing and relaxation. She is a beautiful little toddler, healthy and happy and just so happy! She has the normal health issues any baby would have; ear infections here and there, a yeast infection once, bladder infection once. I think it’s because I didn’t strengthen her immune system by breast feeding. I feel bad for not being able to but she has done so well anyway.

On February 15, 2012 her little sibling was conceived! (From the ultrasound we got) We are 9 weeks pregnant and ecstatic. It was unplanned but one night of passionate Valentines day love turned into another loved little one :) He/she looked like a little bean on the ultrasound.

My weight is about 118 lbs right now (still healthy range) and has only gone up a lb since this baby. Our weight gain goal is about 25-30 lbs. I plan on exercising and walking and eating healthier this pregnancy so it is easier to flatten my tummy. I don’t care about the extra skin. I just want to stop looking pregnant whenever I eat (except now. it’s okay now!). I might get a belly band as well. My stretch marks have faded all naturally. No procedures at all.

Thanks for reading :)

PICTURES!

1st) 5 weeks/pre pregnancy body:
2nd) 20 weeks with baby girl:
3rd) 34 weeks:
4th) 38 weeks belly! :
5th) 8 weeks with this bub! :
6th: 8 week 5 day ultrasound:
7th) postpartum belly (taken today):
8th) my girl on her 1st birthday:
9th) my Lilia today! :

Great Pregnancy – Nice Body (Rada Bond)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 34 Comments

~Age: 29
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1 preganancy – 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: my son is 1 year and 4 month old today

My name is Rada, I am from Moldova and I am 29 years old. My baby boy – Karim – is 1year and 4 months old today. I got on your site accidentally, but I did not leave it until I read more than half of the stories of mom’s. Reading the messages I experienced different feelings, like sharing happiness of the women being mothers, compassion about them being worried and disappointed by their bodies. And I compared the situation with that of fighting a disease champagne – why to spend a lot of money and effort on treatment and not on preventing it.

I planned my pregnancy, I tried to do it in the best way I could – and I think I succeeded. I had a magnificent pregnancy, enjoyed every single day of it, I delivered my angel boy in my home in water, and I got my body almost as it was before I got pregnant. And I don’t think there is something magical in my body, I am convinced that this is due to hard work during the pregnancy. By hard work I mean – correct alimentation (which is completely different from what doctors advice us), a lot of physical activity – my day to day work plus special exercises for pregnant women, (regarding the physical activity unfortunately the doctors are misguiding pregnant women), and of course special exercises after the delivery. Of course, a sharp eye can see the changes in my body, I am still breastfeeding, so my breast will be a little bit different from how they were before. But I DON’T really care. Breastfeeding is the best thing I experienced, after the delivery. Breastfeeding brings me the most expensive and dear moments spent with my son. When I breastfeed the time stops, there is just me and my baby in the whole Universe – this is what I call happiness.

Like we see, the doctors play a great role in the disappointment that a woman faces after having the baby.

Here are coming with their offers the cosmetic companies – but the truth is that their remedies are TOTALLY useless. If there is an effect it is illusionary, for a short period. So, women better use natural remedies.

But, in the end I would like to say that a woman makes a great think by delivering a baby. And without a wise body this would not be possible. So I think that we must cherish our bodies, however they look like. Not the body attracts men in a woman’s life, it is her soul that shines from her yeas. It is her smile that captures the moment. A man that found his woman, the ONE, will thank God for every stretch on her body, for this means that his woman is a true woman, a one that brought him a baby. This is blessing.

ALL MOTHERS ARE WOMEN FIRST OF ALL. GREAT WOMEN.

Scared to Look Down (Ana)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 23 Comments

age: 24
1 pregnancy
mother of 4 yr old princess
natural birth

you would think that 4 yrs would make it easier to accept the changes in your body.. but its definitely not, for me atleast. i was never the “skinny” girl, and that always bothered me.. and after giving birth the list got longer. i, like many other moms on this site, have the saggy belly problem.. or “the baby butt” like i refer to IT lol.. i love my daughter with all that i have, but it doesnt take away the fact that i am now 24 and i have a huge fear of wearing a bikini or two piece bathing suit to the beach. so many things i cant wear anymore (cropped shirts are tooo cute).. and its def something thats always in the back of my head. i too have spent hrs and hrs on google looking at how amazing these celeb moms look after 1 week of giving birth. its not fair. and it doesnt end with celeb moms.. alot of my friends and friends of friends who also have kids, got back their bodies intact. no stretch marks no sag. why? i know we must learn to accept and wear our tiger stripes proudly but its so hard… maybe im just pessimist and need to look at the glass half full instead of empty.. this site has def pushed me in the right direction.. ive read entrys where i could hold back the tears…I can so relate to it all.. thank you ladies for showing me who i WANT to be.. that fearless mom who can teach her daughter that we are beautiful! God bless :)

ps. i am a huge fan of urban outfitters and american apparel and i am so happy high waisted bathing suits are back. as well as high waisted jeans and slacks. makes it a bit easier :)

35 Weeks Pregnant (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions 8 Comments

This pregnancy took me by surprise. I wasn’t seeing anyone seriously and when I found out and told the father, whom I’d been seeing casually for about six months, he acted so shamefully that I knew I wouldn’t have his support in the long run. I was right, a couple months of no contact later, he moved to another country. I’ve always known that if I were to become pregnant I’d keep the baby, and I’ve always found pregnant women so beautiful. I imagined myself thin and fit with a big round belly, full of liveliness and energy. My pregnant reality is that I’ve already got some deep purple stretchmarks on the bottom of my stomach (hard to photograph), back fat, and cellulite everywhere. My breasts are sagging and I have no idea the shape my stomach will take after I deliver. Why did my arms get so fat?

I wondered if I’d ever wear a bikini again (pictured 1 month pre-pregnancy, and 35 weeks along), so I squeezed into my old bikini for fun and it was bittersweet. I’ve gained at least 25 lbs, probably more but I refuse to look at the scale when they weigh me.
This is going to be tough, but I’m so excited to meet my little boy, regardless.

Struggling With the Changes (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Infertility, Postpartum, Submissions 13 Comments

I found this website in a moment of weakness I was having with myself over issues with my body and I decided that since reading everyone’s stories and seeing their pictures that I couldn’t resist posting my own photos/story to maybe help someone else. I am 20 and actually planned a pregnancy (with my boyfriend of 5 years) due to the worry of infertility with age from issues with my reproductive organs. Anyways, I was very excited. I weighed 159 pounds (the most of my whole life) when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t have a single stretch mark until I was 8 months and 2 weeks pregnant and then it seemed I got one with every breath I took. I was ALL belly which I thought was a good thing. My pregnancy was very rough on me, I lost over 20 pounds within the first 5 months from being so sick, then I finally gained some weight and kept gaining. I got pre-eclampsia at 38 weeks and was put in the hospital. I never progressed even with early labor and being induced therefore I had to have a cesarean (which I so DESPERATELY did not want!) It was very hard on me, it traumatized me but I had my baby, whom I love with all of my heart. My child never breastfed correctly so I pumped for four months and my milk literally dried up over night (yet another unexpected disappointment.) Anyways, I weighed 172 pounds the day I had my child, then while pumping I got down to 139, and now I am back up to 160! I don’t understand! I got on Nuvaring and it seems to be the best birth control of my life (the others gave me clots, gain weight, etc.) I’m not sure if the ring, stress, or negative body image is making me gain weight but I need help. I am struggling so much with my body image. I feel 6 months pregnant. My legs and arms need toning of course, but my breasts seem deflated and my belly just seems like a large (LARGE) unattractive lump that hangs over my jeans! I am sure that the way I look at myself doesn’t exactly turn my boyfriend on – which causes issues also. I just feel like I’ve never been satisfied with my body even when I weighed 100 pounds and I’ve never had a flat stomach but I am young. I want to be able to take my child swimming (which means me in a bikini – not happening.) I am not crazy about the stretch marks but I at least try to feel okay knowing that I got them from carrying my amazing child – yet the flabby jiggling belly is just wrecking me. I am just ashamed.

The first picture is 37 weeks pregnant.
The second picture is frontal stretch marks 8 months PP.
The third picture is my belly from the side, also 8 months PP.

Taking One Day at a Time (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 14 Comments

Previous post here.

AGE:23
POSTPARTUM: 24MONTHS
PREGNANCIES: 1

Taking one day at a time. This has been the only way I have been able to move forward after giving birth to my daughter, who was stillborn, 24 months ago. Since I last submitted to SOAM things have changed. After issues with my husband and a short separation we have been trying to work things out. One thing good did come out of our separation though. I finally returned to college and work realizing that I didn’t want to rely on anyone to “take care” of me. I had been struggling with doing anything since I lost my daughter and our situation gave me the motivation I needed to take a step back into living. Now to my main reason for giving an update, I have officially lost 100+ pounds since I gave birth. I am so proud of myself for being able to accomplish this. No my body isn’t ANYTHING like it was before getting pregnant but I’m learning to accept my new body. The body that grew life inside for 9 months & the body that has gone through such a transformation from gaining and losing all the weight that I have. Losing the weight hasn’t only made me look better but feel better about myself and most of all has showed me that I can accomplish anything if I work hard enough for it.

Young and Feeling Hopeless (Amelia)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 15 Comments

Hi there, first off I would like to start by saying that when I found this website I was so happy to be able to relate to other real woman who feel the same way that I do. A lot of stories on here have helped me to begin to accept my new body, but I still have the days where I feel so sad about my body I dont even want to go out in public. When I had my daughter I was 17 years old, very young yes I know, but I adjusted to motherhood completely and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I am now 18 and 1 year postpartum. Before I got pregnant, I was comfortable in my own skin, and now I look at other women and just wish I had their stomach lol I used to take mine for granted, and
I never realized how important it was before this. I just wanted to share the way I feel and a little bit about my story because I hope that atleast one woman out there will feel better about themselves after reading this or even be able to relate to me and know that there is someone else out there who knows what you are going through. The hardest part about it is that I can’t even look in the mirror anymore without feeling sadness and getting this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach because I am so unhappy with my body. I look at celebrities who have just had babies and they look amazing! And I know I know they get things done and have a lot of money to be able to fix the scars and stretch marks and all the other fun stuff that comes along with being pregnant, but I can’t help but feel worse about my body after seeing them. I love my daughter with all my heart and soul and I would go through it all over again if I had to because even though I can’t stand to look at my body, it was all worth it in the end, and to be able to be part of making a human being who is part of you, and have their little fingers, and toes, and heart, and lungs grow inside of you is an amazing thing and thats what makes us woman so special. So even though we may not like these stretch marks or c-section scars, or the saggy mummy tummys, they’re badges of what we went through and what an amazing thing we did by being pregnant and giving birth and we shouldn’t be embarrassed by them or ashamed by them because it brought us beautiful miracles from God. Anyways I hope that this makes someone feel beautiful and brings them more confidence and acceptance of their body.

Feeling Myself Again, Even Though I’m So Different (Amanda C)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 5 Comments

~Age: 24
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 9 and a half months daughter Sadie…

My name is Amanda I am 24 and have had one pregnancy where I gave birth to my daughter May 17 2011. She is almost 10 remember being about 6 months pregnant and was thinking that I was safe no weight gain no stretch marks.. i still remember the day i spotted just 1 stretch mark and started to panic i went straight to the pharmacy to get bio-oil and three other stretch mark creams … I remember crying and hating my body as I went from being 160lbs to 230 at the end of my pregnancy… I had stretch marks on my boobs, legs. arms, back of my knees, hips and stomach. At the end of my pregnancy I should have been so happy to have my beautiful daughter and well I was extremely happy!! I was depressed about the way i looked i didn’t want pictures taken with my daughter i didn’t want anyone seeing me i basically hid out in my house. I was just not myself i didn’t smile i didn’t laugh i didn’t joke. … as on January 10 2012 I stopped sulking and finally did something i started dieting and exercising and have managed to lose 35 lbs so far! i went from 230 to currently 195! My stretch marks are still there but I now love them!! there is a mark for every wiggle every breath and every blink my angel took while my body withstood amazing obstacles and HOUSED a life that I brought to this earth <3 I thought it was the stretch marks that were my biggest problem but they weren't the problem was my weight which i had to realize I CAN CONTROL I just have to try! Now that i am losing weight i feel great! i want to go for walks get out of the house I want to show off my body WITH my new stretch marks!! I want everyone to know I had a baby! THIS BODY MADE A LIFE! Some may think its ugly or even disgusting to look at but that's really completely fine with me cause these stretch marks represent where I met the love of my life.. they represent the most important thing in my life <3 I feel so empowered! Its just so amazing that something I was so terrified of something I couldn't control or prevent became my stripes of pride! Pic 1 and 2: Are pre pregnancy pictures (when i thought i was my happiest) Pic 3: Is me 6 and a half months pregnant. Pic 4: Is me 9 months pregnant ( big weight gain) Pic 5 and 6: when I gave birth to my angel (notice my stretch marks) Pic 7 and 8: my post pregnancy weight gain you can just tell by the look on my face that i am not happy at all. No confidence ... Pic 9: here i was at about 20 pounds weight loss!! I Look so ALIVE compared to my previous 2 post pregnancy pictures. pic 10 and 11: Are ME CURRENTLY!! what my belly looks like now at almost 10 months post partum... lost 35 lbs since January 10!! [gallery]