Child Loss

I Get it Now (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions 18 Comments

So, when my son was born, I remember finding this website and submitting a story of my own. I read it yesterday. I felt so sorry for myself. I hated how I looked, how I felt. I was depressed. I read so many “woes me” stories, and of course, the stories of strength and courage. But it never really sank in.

I get it now.

I get why complaining is not only stupid, it’s selfish. I get that the marks I have are the marks left by my son – my life.

You might ask yourself why – what changed? I’ll tell you. My sister was due any day now to have our first girl in the family. She went in for a routing check-up and they coudln’t find a heartbeat. Today my sister is giving birth to her first child, our first girl.. And my niece is born with angel wings.
Maybe I’m angry – well – I know I am. Maybe this is my outlet. But I guess I want to tell mothers who were just like me – stop the bitching. Harsh? Very much so – but guess what… We are a truly blessed bunch who may have given up their bodies to create this perfect little person.. But we got to take them home. My sister will be left with those same marks we all have, but she has nothing to ‘show for it’. She has no perfect baby to hold. She has nothing but an empty house and a truly broken heart.

This isn’t just a message to other mom’s out there – but a reminder to me as well. We were given the opportunity to hear that first cry, see those eyes open for the first time and whisper “hello.. I’m your mommy” (which may have been the most amazing, most memorable moment of my entire life). You are ALLOWED see them grow, learn, explore. Their first smile.. First steps.. First word…

So the next time you look in the mirror and think “God, I’m disgusting”..or “I wish I could just get rid of these stretch marks or this flabby skin” – Take a step back and go straight to that baby, give them the most sincere embrace you have ever given in your life – and be thankful you got to take your reason for looking like that home and your wish isn’t “I wish I didn’t have to go to a grave to visit her” or “I wonder what she would have looked like..who’s smile she would have had..”.

Miracles Happen (SCS)

Bonnie (SOAM) Back, Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Plus-Sized Mom, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 9 Comments

Previous post here.

age 30
number of pregnancies 4 and births 2
age of children 3 ½ and 5 weeks how far pp 5 weeks

First I wanna apologize for the long post, I wanted to say a lot. As everyone says, I love this site. I think I’ve read every entry on it. I posted in 2009 after my first miscarriage. My body has changed since then. In March of 2011 I suffered another miscarriage. It hurt a lot but I finally decided I was very happy with only have one child and I didn’t really want to have anymore. I did however want to know why I was having miscarriages. In June I finally had my appointment and I was very disappointed with the “Doctor” who seen me. My appointment was on a Wednesday and I told the doctor I was a week late for my period. I know my body ever since I started keeping track of my periods I’ve always been 28 days at 10am. Yep I was that predictable. Well, after the miscarriages I was 26 days. So when I told the doctor she blew me off by saying I haven’t had my period because I gained so much weight. I weighed 250lbs when I seen her, I had been stuck at that weight for almost 2 years by then. Well, at least she did do some blood tests only she didn’t test for me to be pregnant. On Friday I got a call saying I had a slow thyroid and that is why I was extremely tired and I gained so much weight and couldn’t lose anything regardless of how much I cute back and ate healthy or exercised. So I went to get the prescription but decided since it was almost the end of the day I would start them on Saturday. Well, Saturday morning I decided to take a pregnancy test, just to see what it said and I was sure surprised. I walked right out of the bathroom and showed my boyfriend. This I wish I would’ve waited because with all my pregnancies I had a really cute way to tell him. He didn’t show any kind of reaction I think mostly due to the worry I would lose this one too. So I called the hospital up to make sure it was ok to still take the medicine and they said yes to keep taking it. That Monday I called my family doctor to make an appointment so they can confirm it and I made an appointment with the obgyn. At the two appointments I was so scared they would tell me sorry but you aren’t pregnant so I cried every time they confirmed it.

every doctors visit from then on, I cried when I heard the babys heartbeat. My first born went to all my doc appoints and was even there to see the ultrasounds. So when I started my pregnancy I was 250lbs, I went down some then didn’t gain any until my 5 month. In total I only gained 8lbs by the time I had the baby. I weighted 258lbs when I went in for the scheduled csection on feb 23, 2011. The csection went well, other than me being extremely sick after due to the meds they had to give me to calm me down after they took the baby out since I couldnt breathe, I had a terrible cold and was breathing through my mouth through the whole operation since my nose was stuffed up and it went dry. I couldnt breathe or even have any spit in my mouth to wet my throat.

at my 2 week appointment when I stepped on the scale I weighted 231lbs. I was so excited to see I had lost so much. I have since got down to 224lbs which is what I am in the pictures below. The pregnancy picture I was probably about 258lbs since it was so close to when I had the baby. I am happy to say I am content with my body. I do want to lose some weight only due to the fact that I cant afford any new clothes and all my other clothes are only a size or two smaller. Im currently in size 18 and some of my nice clothes are size 16 or 14. So that isnt too far to go. However, I guess im content with my body because I’ve been hit with ppd. I cry all the time especially is I don’t get enough sleep, I don’t feel close to my newborn and really don’t want to hold him at all. Plus we are dealing with trying to survive on my boyfriend only having a part time job, but God will get us through this as He always has.

The last thing I want to say is that as I’ve read the different entries on this site it saddens me to see that most of the people who complain about the way they look, I see them and wonder WTH, you look great. And I noticed that a majority of the people who accept themselves are like me larger women. Either way everyone has their own issues thanks to all the media and the pressure to be skinny. Children are a blessing that a lot of woman will never be able to have. They would trade their great body for the chance to carry a baby. Just know regardless of your body, you were blessed and trusted with the greatest gift of all—a beautiful baby.

The Rewards of Patience (Amanda)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Infertility, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 19 Comments

My husband and I have been together for almost nine years, and married for nearly seven. Having children was one of the first things that we talked about when we first met. I naively assumed that it would be easy, being that both sides of my family are very prolific. How wrong I was.

Our first loss occurred in March of 2004. I wasn’t even sure that I was pregnant. I just knew that I was ten days late (my cycle is like clockwork) and I started bleeding. A visit to the doctor confirmed that I had been about six weeks pregnant.

The second loss occurred nearly a year to the date later. I was late, took a test, got a positive, and started bleeding the next day.

The third loss happened in July of 2005, just four months after the second one. I carried this pregnancy for four days beyond my missed period.

The fourth loss…I got a positive, after trying one time, in September of 2008. Even though I cringed every time I went to the bathroom, expecting blood, there was none. Everything was going great. I heard the heartbeat and saw the baby in several ultrasounds, and I’d never felt better. I was growing and glowing. Then on December 11 (the day after my birthday), we went for our sixteen week checkup. They put the doppler on my belly, and we were excited to hear our baby’s heartbeat. There was nothing but silence in the room. They decided to take me to ultrasound to see what they could find out. As soon as they put the probe on my belly, I knew. I looked at the screen and my baby was there, but so still. I looked at the doctor and said, “My baby’s dead, right?” She apologized and told me that yes, it looked like the baby had quit growing at twelve weeks. I didn’t understand. I couldn’t keep a pregnancy before that…now this one kept going for a month after it should have. They called it a missed miscarriage. I had a D & C the following morning.

Loss number five was the following July. Once again, positive test, and then the bleeding started the next day.

Now the tests started in earnest. Nobody could find anything wrong. The good news was that I could get pregnant, and quite easily at that. We just had to find out how to keep me pregnant. My regular endocrinologist sent me to a reproductive endocrinologist, and they diagnosed me with a luteal phase defect…a progesterone deficiency. That’s IT? Don’t get me wrong, I was happy that the condition was treatable, but seriously, that’s something that should have been caught YEARS previous. Anyway, I was prescribed progesterone suppositories, to be used for the fourteen days following ovulation, and until twelve weeks if I fell pregnant. The low progesterone was making my uterine lining incompetent, and that’s why the fertilized eggs weren’t “sticking,” so to speak. I started the suppositories in November of 2009, and those were supposed to bulk up the uterine lining, making it nice and nutritious for a fertilized egg to stick to. I took an ovulation predictor on March 23, and it was positive. We hoped for the best. All the while, we were in the process of buying our first house. Now, I’m the kind of person who may as well have bought stock in pregnancy tests and ovulation predictors, and I can’t stand to have them laying around, unused. On April 7, we closed on our house. On April 8, I noticed that I had an unused digital test. It was only a day before my period was due, and I hadn’t had any symptoms or anything, but I thought what the heck. Usually, when I’d take a pregnancy test, I’d sit on the floor, hyperventilating and shaking, waiting for the lines to show up or waiting for the word “pregnant” to show up. This time, though, I took my time, finished going to the bathroom, zipped up, and glanced casually at the test sitting on the bathroom counter. There it was…a big fat PREGNANT. Ultrasounds to confirm a gestational sac and, ten days later, a heartbeat, all confirmed that things were fantastic.

I started wearing maternity jeans at seven weeks. I really did start to show that fast. I had many people ask me if I was carrying multiples, and I can’t say that the thought didn’t cross my mind. Our twenty week anatomy scan came and went, with the tech and the doctors remarking how perfect our baby was and how everything was measuring right on schedule. They gave me a due date of December 17…one week after my birthday. And every day, I grew bigger and bigger. Seriously. I was huge. Enormous. I gained 52 pounds, probably because the baby had me eating hot fudge caramel sundaes and drinking gallons of milk every night. (I hate milk, by the way.) Around thirty weeks, I was so big that I was already having trouble breathing. And walking. And getting out of the bath tub. And shaving…everywhere. But my roly poly little baby was kicking and punching away, all day, every day. And all night. I never got morning sickness (though everybody who was around me in the first few months of pregnancy got it for me…including my grandmother, who hadn’t thrown up in fifteen years. My father and my husband were sick, too. It’s called couvade. I thought it was hilarious.) I had no heartburn, no glucose troubles, nothing. As a matter of fact, it was like pregnancy fixed everything for me. I had bad acne before I got pregnant. It completely went away. I had terrible anxiety. During pregnancy, it was gone. And I was the opposite of constipated, which was awesome, because I had always been a once-a-weeker, if I was lucky.

Months went on and I grew and grew. I was afraid, like any pregnant woman, of the body changes that could and would happen. It made me feel ungrateful and horrible, though, when I thought about wearing a two-piece this coming summer, and wondered if I would be able to. I mean, we had struggled with having a baby for the better part of six years. What kind of jerk was I, worrying about what the baby was doing to my body? I should have been focusing on what I was doing to the baby’s body, and that was being its support system, the reason my baby was alive. So I did. But I won’t lie…every day, I asked my husband if I had gotten any stretchmarks on my belly yet. I was sure that it was only a matter of time. After all, someone can’t grow as huge as I did and not have a few battle scars. But I never got any at all, except two on my breasts (which turned into two hundred when I started nursing). I chalk that up to good genetics. Neither my mother nor either of my grandmothers got them on their bellies, so I guess I’m just stretchy.

We planned on a completely natural birth, attended by midwives, but I ended up having to be induced because they suspected he was big and I was a week overdue. I progressed quickly, with no epidural, but when they broke my water and found meconium, the contractions became unbearable and they advised me to get the epidural so they could speed things along. I got to ten centimeters in nine hours, but the baby wouldn’t drop down. The doctor said that she could crank up the pitocin all night, but he probably wasn’t going to get through my skinny little pelvis, so we decided on a C-section just to have it over with. It was Christmas Eve, anyway.

Once I was in surgery and the baby was coming out, I heard cries of “Oh my god, how beautiful!” and “It’s a boy!” They started trying to guess how much he weighed. I heard somebody say “Nine pounds six ounces,” and I laughed out loud. There was no way a baby that big just came out of my body. But the scale told a much more horrifying and impressive number…ten pounds and twelve ounces. Really?? No way!!! That was more of a shock than anything else in this entire experience. As the doctor was stitching me up, she said, “Well, your belly is gone now.”

I’m now 15 weeks and 4 days postpartum. These pictures were taken when I was 10 weeks and 5 days postpartum. The pregnancy photos are of my belly at 39w5d (black sweatpants) and 40w6d (teal tanktop, looking way past rough). I’ve also included a picture of my (not so) little guy, who is everything I’ve ever dreamed of and more. The white background is him at two weeks, there is one of him nursing, and the other is him at 9 weeks. The one in the paisley tank top is me before I got pregnant, and I’ve included a recent one of both of us, taken on March 31.

Believe it or not, I like my scar. You’d think that since it’s a reminder of how botched our birth plan ended up being, that it would signal failure to me. Actually, I think the opposite. I got to experience contractions and hard natural labor, contractions with an epidural, and a surgical birth. I got to experience a little bit of everything in Julian’s birth. My mother isn’t here anymore, but I have a scar just like she did. I came into the world through her belly, and it’s sort of appropriate, I suppose, that her grandson came into the world the day after her birthday (he was born on Christmas Eve, she on the 23rd, the day I was induced) via the same route that her daughter did. I refuse to look at my scar as a sign of failure on my part to not birth my son the way I had planned. He was huge! I don’t think he would have come out vaginally if I had stayed in labor for a week, and certainly not without me needing a few hundred stitches. I’m glad it happened the way it did. I weighed 142 when I got pregnant, and when I delivered, I was close to 200, and probably over it by the time they pumped me full of fluids. I’m back down to 155 now, but honestly, I don’t care if I don’t lose another pound. The weight that has come off (other than nearly twenty pounds of baby, placenta, water, and all that stuff) came off because of the breastfeeding, I think, because I haven’t done anything. It’s too cold to go running, and I don’t want to leave this perfect little creature anyway. It seems like pregnancy has redistributed my extra weight into sexy places that I never had it before. I’ve always had skinny hips, no butt, and no waist. I was always kind of straight up and down. Now I’m curvy. None of my pre-pregnancy clothes fit me yet. My thighs are a little meatier and I still have some extra skin. I don’t have any stretch marks, but my skin certainly stretched, and my pants won’t button over it even if I can manage to get them past my newly acquired thunder thighs. Yeah, as the weather gets warmer, more of the weight will probably drop off, but I’m happy the way I am. My body, this body that I thought would NEVER carry a baby to term, went above and beyond this time. I grew him on the inside and I continue to nourish him on the outside. It turns out that I was pretty good at this baby growing business, after all.

I think that we focus too much on the physical “shape” of a mother. What about the ways in which we transform emotionally? What is our “shape” once the empty areas have been filled in with the senses of accomplishment and pride and unfathomable, bottomless love that come along with having a child? Where there was a dull and aching void, now there is the warm fulfillment of wishes granted, of dreams brought to life. If our bodies have been changed, we should see those changes not only as humble sacrifices, but the same way as we view our emotional experience…to love someone more than you love yourself, your emotions have to go through a tremendous amount of expansion or stretching. Just as our bodies twisted out of the American society’s “ideal” shape, so did our lives, in ways more complicated, hard, and beautiful than I could ever have imagined. And if you’re truly honest with yourself, at the end of the day, what would you rather have? I’ll take the physical reminders that I grew a life inside me every single time as opposed to the emptiness and the sense that something was lacking that filled me before I had my son.

Age 28
6 pregnancies, one birth
15 weeks 4 days pp today, 10 weeks 5 days in the pictures

I have a website with chronological pictures of my belly here.

6 Months Postpartum and Still Healing (Jillyn)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, Homebirth, Plus-Sized Mom, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Update 14 Comments

I am posting my postpartum pictures here of my body after my second pregnancy. My previous post is here.

This pregnancy came a bit unexpected for my husband and I. After the birth and death of our first daughter we planned to wait a year before TTC again. But just 6 months postpartum we found out i was expecting again. By 6 months PP i hadn’t lost any of my pregnancy weight and I actually gained a bit. I believe i started my second pregnancy at around 215lbs (i am 5’5″). The pregnancy was an emotional time for me because i was still trying to deal with the emotions and grief of loosing our first daughter. We tried to keep things as peaceful as we were able. We had a midwife for the pregnancy and planned a homebirth.

I delivered our second daughter at 41 weeks and 2 days. Everything went wonderful and we have a very happy and healthy 6 month old (she was 7lbs and 20″ long at birth). I’ve still been struggling with my emotions this postpartum and i’m trying not to slip into depression but sometimes it’s hard, especially with a very high needs baby (most would say she had Colic). But there are many good times and she is such a blessing in our life. Our “rainbow” baby :)

The day i went into labor i weighed 250lbs and a couple weeks postpartum i believe i was around 230lbs. I’ve struggled with accepting my new body but i don’t 100% hate it. I hate how much my belly and hips droop with extra skin, but other than that i’m not too upset. I actually like my stretch marks and i think they are pretty cool (i thought they were cool before as well). One thing that i thought was neat was when i was pregnant with our first daughter i got stretch marks and they started to heal and were more white. Then when i started to stretch more at the end of this pregnancy you could see where my old stretch marks ended (from first DD) and my new ones began. The day i took these postpartum pictures (6 months) i weighed myself and i was 213lbs (and at 6.5 months PP i’m 208lbs!).

The pictures i posted are from 6 months postpartum. I tried to take pictures of all the changes. I included pictures of my worst stretch marks, ones inside my thighs. I have one on each side and they actually split so bad that sometimes they bled and i wasn’t able to walk properly. Even now one of them still splits sometimes (as you can see in the photo). Of course they were much bigger during the pregnancy (about 1/2″ wide and 3-4″ long!). I also took a close up shot of my stretch marks on my belly. And I included a couple pictures from at the end of my pregnancy :)

~Age: 23
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies, 2 births, both vaginal
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: First DD died after birth, Second DD is 6.5 months. Pictures taken when i was 6 months PP.

Almost 5 Years Later (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 4 Comments

I became pregnant at 19 and gave birth 2 months after I turned 20 to a little girl. Didn’t know till I was over 3 months along that I was even pregnant. Had NO symptoms at all. Peeing a lot and vanishing period were normal for me haha, so thought nothing of it, till I just had a “feeling” and tested. Turned positive immediately. I never wanted children, so I was going to abort, but hormones took over and I obviously had her and very glad I did. I am 5’9″ and weighed about 127lbs at the time I found out I was pregnant and the day I gave birth I was 164lbs. Right after delivery, I weighed 140lbs, then 3 weeks later, was down to 130lbs. I have been bouncing around 119lbs-138lbs now for almost 5 years. I have very few very light stretch marks on my stomach, but my breasts are covered in them. I was an A cup and went to a full D cup before I “dried up”. I chose not to breast feed for personal reasons. My breasts literally deflated and until recently were so flabby and gross I was mortified and ashamed. But they have filled out to a full B cup (weird, don’t hear of that really happening). June of ’09, I had a complete miscarriage and again, had no idea I was pregnant. I was trying out Nuva Ring and it failed.. I was feeling terrible and took it out about 2 months after use (I didn’t give myself a week to have a period inbetween months, just put a new one it) and a week later, started bleeding. Thought it was my period, but I bled very heavily and passed a ton of clots. Then, I passed the entire little placenta and sac.. I didn’t know what it was, so I took it to the ER with me in a baggy. Sounds gross, but I thought it was a piece of my uterus that had fallen out or a tumor and was really scared! They confirmed it was a miscarriage and I had been about 6 wks pregnant. I was honestly thankful I miscarried, I didn’t want another baby. I had a tubal ligation (burned only) November of ’09 at age 23. I DO NOT recommend this!! I have since had THE WORST pms ever! Severe nausea, hot flashes, terrible mood swings, random bouts of crying, alcohol intolerance, anxiety attacks, breast swelling to a full size or more larger and painful, cramping so severe I am doubled over in pain and in tears… list goes on. I deal with this about half of each month. Doctor whom did it wont see me again because I have Medi-Cal (but he had no problem doing the procedure, go figure). But, I am glad for the most part I can’t become pregnant again, one child is enough for me:-)

The Beauty of Natural Childbirth to a First Time Mother (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo 11 Comments

Age: 22
Number of Births: 1
Age of my child: 8 months

The first time I found out I was pregnant I was scared but excited and looking forward to bringing a new addition into the household. Unfortunately, I miscarried in the first trimester. I was completely devastated and for months it was the only thing I focused on. My husband and I went on to get married a month after the miscarriage and after a few months I was able to get back to my normal self. That was when the magic happened! I found out the day after Halloween of 2009 that my husband and I were expecting again. I was nervous the first few months that I would lose this baby as well, but the pregnancy went perfectly. I gained a total of 26 pounds taking me from my original 127 to 153 when I gave birth. We both wanted me to give birth naturally because we personally feel that it was the best choice for me. We watched lots of videos like The Business of Being Born and read up on many articles on the internet. I became very comfortable with the idea of a natural birth. The rest of my pregnancy was a breeze. The only stretch marks I received were a few small ones on the sides of my breasts, I only had about 4 weeks of morning sickness in the beginning ( although it felt like an eternity ha ha). My husband walked with me every evening to get some fresh air and exercise, and I had no swelling of the hands or feet. Finally, the day came for my daughter to be born. I was 38 weeks and my water broke at roughly 2:40am in the morning. We packed up a few things and made it to the hospital by 3:00am. Once I got settled in the room I started having very strong contractions. I knew that labor was going to go quick. I wanted to give in a few times and opt out of the natural birth my husband and I had planned because the pain became unbearable, but my husband was wonderful and talked me through it. Also, when the nurse checked me it was too late. I was 8cm and very close to giving birth. A few painful contractions and some pushes and an episiotomy later I gave birth to a beautiful 6lb 12oz baby girl at 5:10am. I feel in love with her right away and apparently bawled my eyes out (so hubby says). I breastfed her right away and still do to this day, although I do supplement baby foods as well. I think the breastfeeding really helped to shrink my tummy back up. I took pics of my postpartum from about 1 week post to 6 months post. It’s amazing how your body changes! But with some healthy eating and a great workout plan like what I’m doing….you are sure to get your sexy back ;)

I now weigh 120 lbs…7 pounds less than my pre-pregnancy weight

Pictures as followed:
#1 Pre-pregnancy
#2 30 wks Pregnant
#3 38 wks Pregnant
#4 At the hospital with contractions
#5 My daughter at one day old
#6 1 wk Post Pregnancy
#7 2 wks Post Pregnancy
#8 3 wks Post Pregnancy
#9 6 months Post Pregnancy side view
#10 6 months Post Pregnancy front view
#11 My little girl at 7 months
#12 My little girl and I at 8 months

Every Little Bird (Hollye Dexter)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions 32 Comments

This January, I somehow managed to get pregnant again, at forty-seven years old. I felt it, even as I went about my life, travelling, volunteering in my son’s school….but convinced myself it couldn’t be so. Surely I had missed my period because I was at that certain age. Just to assure myself, I finally took a pregnancy test, and that’s when the rollercoaster ride began. Yes, the impossible had happened, I was pregnant. My husband Troy and I couldn’t believe it, so we bought another test. Still pregnant. I looked it up online. At forty-seven, a woman has a .07% of becoming pregnant naturally, and a 50% chance of carrying the pregnancy to term. Leave it to me and my crazy life to beat the odds, I thought.

At first I cried. I wasn’t ready for this. I was afraid of all the things that could go wrong at my age. I would never, ever, ever have a moment alone with my husband. I already had two grown children, a five-year old, and even a grandchild living in my house! This was insane!

But then I looked at it from a different angle. Hadn’t God just put us through one of the worst years of our lives? For all the loss and grief we had gone through, here was a little sparkle of hope and possibility. I mean, I was just as frightened when I became pregnant at forty-one with my son Evan, and what a miracle he turned out to be. Maybe this was a gift, a sign that our luck was turning. Troy looked at me with such warmth in his eyes. He took to calling me “Little Mama”, patting my baby bump affectionately. My husband was smiling again, and that was miracle enough for me.

I was six weeks along.

Sunday morning I woke up bleeding.

My heart sank, but I knew nature was taking care of it’s own. I got up and went to the bathroom, and that’s where everything took a turn. I was suddenly overcome with intense nausea and ringing in my ears as I began to lose consciousness. Troy ran in and held me up as I collapsed. I was dripping in sweat, soaked through. Even my socks were wet. I could feel a pushing sensation in my lower back as everything went blank. A minute or two later, when I started to come back to awareness, I knew I had passed the baby. It was over, just like that.

All I wanted was to curl up quietly in my bed to cry and let this pass. But my doctor was concerned about internal bleeding, so I was told to go to the ER. I resisted but Troy didn’t want to take any chances with my health, so we went, and that is my greatest regret.

After sitting an hour in the waiting room, my name was finally called. Just then Brahm’s Lullaby was played on the overhead speaker.
The nurse smiled at me, “Hear that? It means a baby was just born upstairs!” I was ushered into a room, “What are we seeing you for?”

I looked at the floor, tears in my eyes. “I’m having a miscarriage.”
“Oh. I’ll need you to pee in this cup.”

In the bathroom, I slumped against the door and cried. I couldn’t believe the irony of the moment I was living. Upstairs a young woman was crying tears of joy, holding her newborn baby. Downstairs a middle-aged woman was weeping in the ER bathroom after losing her baby in a toilet.

Ten minutes later a young doctor with a blonde bouncy ponytail burst into our room. She grabbed my limp hand and shook it vigorously.
“Congratulations!” she said, smiling.
I was shocked, speechless.
“Your urine test just came back. You’re going to have a baby!”
I felt like I had been punched in the gut.
“I’m losing my baby…” I barely squeaked out.
She pulled her hand back. “Oh.” She fumbled with my chart, mumbled something about hormone levels, and cheerily insisted I could still be pregnant, you never know.

They sent me for ultrasound in another department where the technician called me “Dude” repeatedly while poking and prodding my tender, bleeding insides with an ultrasound wand and asking me what I thought of American Idol this season. Troy held his head close to mine, squeezed my hand and wiped the tears away that were now soaking my hair.

They sent me into another room to have five vials of blood drawn. Then to another room to have yet another pelvic violation by an obstetrician with a stunning lack of bedside manner. For five hours I was passed from doctor to technician to specialist, as my body emptied itself of the life that was thriving only hours before.

What all these people had in common was complete lack of empathy for what I was experiencing, treating me as someone with a routine “condition” that had to be handled.

I guess I can consider myself fortunate that this was my first (and only) miscarriage. Although my heart has broken for friends who have been through this kind of loss, I had never felt it myself. Now I’m in the awful club.

You may be wondering why I chose to put such private moments of my life on display for all to read. This is why. Because so many women out there have lost a baby to miscarriage or abortion, and have done so in silence. How many women have hidden their first three months of pregnancy just in case they should suffer a miscarriage? How many have carried that grief and loss all their lives, the pain, the shame, the feelings of failure and guilt, tucked away inside them, and why?

We aren’t private about losing a parent, a friend or a spouse. In times of grief, our community of friends and neighbors surround us with support and love. They make the phone calls for us, notifying every person in our phone books. They show up with meals, help take care of our kids. So why do women go underground with the loss of a baby?
Having gone through the myriad of emotions I think I know why.

I sobbed for two days. I felt like a failure. I lost the baby. It was something I did, or didn’t do. Something I ate, or didn’t eat, or something I thought. I didn’t pray enough. I’m too old, I’m defective, I am the reason the baby died…I felt shame, guilt, worthlessness. The hormonal storm brewing inside didn’t help either.

Part of the reason I wanted to stay private with this is because I didn’t want to hear comments like these:
“It’s for the best.”
“You’re lucky you already have three other children.”
“It’s nature’s way.”
“Did you really want a baby at forty-seven anyway?”

Yes, all the above are true, but I still lost a baby and I need my time to grieve. I don’t want my loss minimized or judged, and as a society we tend to do just that. What I’m left trying to figure out is why? Why is there such a lack of support for the women who are going through this? Why are there ten thousand websites telling you how to eat, sleep, exercise when you’re pregnant, but not ONE telling you how to take care of yourself when you’re going through a miscarriage or post-abortion? Should I stay off my feet? Eat more protein? Should I exercise? Silence….It’s up to you to figure out how to care for yourself physically in the throes of baby loss.

This is a very real part of life for women. It has happened to more of your friends and family members that you know. This really needs to change. We need to be able to talk about it, and to support each other through this.

On Monday, I stripped the bed, I washed everything, I threw things away. I lit candles everywhere. I took all the bloody remnants of the day before and burned them in my yard, letting the smoke wash over me. I put the ashes in a silver box, along with the EPT which had once said “Pregnant” but now was strangely blank, and buried it under my orange tree, placing a heavy concrete angel statue on top. I sat there on my knees under the orange tree, and in that moment I realized how lucky I was that nature decided this for me. This pregnancy was defective, and by the grace of God I was not forced to decide whether I could handle carrying that pregnancy to term. My dog Stitch nestled against me as I cried and said a prayer of gratitude. Just then I heard a hummingbird above me. It flew down in front of me, hovering, closer, then closer again, until it was inches in front of my face and I could see it’s tiny black bead eyes staring at me. We stayed like that, still, for a few seconds. Even my dog didn’t move. And then just as quickly it flew away, and somehow I knew…everything was going to be okay.

I hope that in going public with our personal story, someone else’s burden became a little bit lighter today. If you have lost a baby, no matter what the reason, please don’t carry it in silence any longer. Your grief deserves recognition, and none of us should ever suffer alone. I’m holding you all in my circle of healing, sharing your pain, honoring your loss.

In memory of every little bird that flew away…

~Age: 47
~Number of pregnancies and births: 4 pregnancies, 3 live births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: My children are 25, 20 and 5, and my grandson is 9 months.

Am I the only one? (Randi)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 21 Comments

~Age: 20
~Number of pregnancies and births: two pregnancies. One still birth at 22 weeks pregnant. One live birth.
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: son Jacob is 15months old. So 15 months pp.

I have always wanted to be a mother. Not necessarily get pregnant at a young age I always knew I would be a good mother.. When the time came. I was dating a guy I prefer to remain nameless but for this story let’s call him joe. Joe and I were not together for very long. Just long enough for me to realize he was a loser who dropped out of high school. Didnt care about getting a job and really wasn’t going anywhere in life. So I left him. No big deal. A few weeks later I took a pregnancy test and to my horror I was pregnant. Pregnant and alone. I managed the courage to call him and tell him we needed to meet up and talk. When i told him the news he said “well I hope u get an abortion, or else prepare to be a single mother” those were exact words I can’t force myself to forget. So I then found the courage to tell my parents. They were nothing but understanding, my mom told me “what’s done is done, and now we just need topray and take it day by day”. I’m so glad I have such an amazing family.

So the days went by and I spent a lot of my time crying and wondering how I was going to do this. I looked into options. Abortion was never an option, not for me. And I couldn’t figure out how I could carry a baby for nine months and then give it up for adoption. So my decision was made. I was going to keep the baby and do the best I could. Over the next few weeks I met a guy I really liked. His name is nick, But telling him I was pregnant is not something that was on the top of my to do list. But eventually I did, I told him over the phone. Immediately after I told him, he had to get off the phone. I figured “great” I scared away the only man willing to spend time with me. A few days later he sent me a text asking if he could take me out to dinner and talk to me. Of course I agreed. He told me that he didn’t care that I was pregnant and wasn’t going anywhere. Over the next few months he became very active in my pregnancy. He went to doctor appointments, ultrasounds, and even birthing class’s. On my birthday he told me that he loved me more than anything in the world and wanted to marry me and raise this baby as his own. I didn’t know what to say. He made me so happy I couldn’t say no. Every night we would lay in bed and hen would rub my belly and sing to the baby and read him books. Before we fell asleep he would get his face right up to my belly button and whisper “I can’t wait to meet you, daddy loves you son”. Not long after I was 2 weeks overdue and scheduling a c section. On august 12th 2009 my son Jacob Dean was born at 9 pounds 6 ounces. Nick cried and said “my son is so beautiful”. Jacob had some health issues and was in an incubator for a few days and had an iv. Nick never left my side once. He ate in the hospital cafeteria and showered in my rooms bathroom. Every time Jacob cried it was his duty to change diapers since I could barely move due to the c section. Nick is an only child with no cousins. Jacob was the first baby he had ever held. But he did an amazing job. He never complained about anything and was just so great with the baby.

Then it was time to go home, and all of a sudden all the confidence I had…was gone. I didn’t have a nurse to help me when I didn’t know what to do. We were on our own. My head was filled with “what if’s”. I didn’t know how I would take care of this tiny life. Every time I looked in the mirror I was disgusted by what I saw. I saw this ugly stretch marked skin and flabby fat that hung over the top of my jeans. I didn’t fit into any of my clothes and I felt like a whale. Nick always told me how beautiful I was and that now my body is beautiful in a new way. I carried and brought a life into the world. He said I should feel proud. But whenever I would breastfeed I would sit in our room and cry, and sometimes I didn’t even know why I was crying. I had a beautiful son and an amazing boyfriend but I was so unhappy with how I looked that I looked over all that. And reality also set in that I couldn’t go back to work and we didn’t know how we were going to pay for all the things he needed. I thought for sure nick would leave when he saw what actually went into being a parent. But he didn’t, he never left our side.

Now our son is one and a half. He is a happy boy who still has a great number of health issues. We live with my inlaws but soon will have to leave since we can’t afford the rent. We haven’t paid them rent in over six months. I am back in school and actually about to graduate and get my liscence as an Esthetician. Nick is still by my side and Jacob loves him more than anything in the world. Inside I sometimes still get sad that Jacobs biological father doesn’t care about him. He is not a good guy and would not have made a good father but it still hurts me that he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care that he has a son and he has never wanted to see him, I don’t know why this bothers me, am I wrong for feeling this way? I don’t understand it and it confuses me. I wonder why Jacob and I weren’t good enough for him and his family. When Jacob grows up I have no idea what I’ll tell him. He knows nick is his dad. Anyone can make a baby. But a parent is a nurturer. A role model. And a provider. Nick is the one who gets up with him in the night, feeds him in the day, plays with him at the park, picks when up when he falls down and gives him praise when he does something good. I feel sad that his biological father will never know what am amazing child Jacob is. And I think I’m wrong to feel that way.

I know my life is not that interesting and thank you to anyone who read this far. I guess I just needed to vent, tell someone my story. I always am at home and crave adult interaction. I’m scared because my son is almost out of diapers and I know I can’t afford to buy him more. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one who has these feelings. Are there other women out there who can relate? Who have input? I am eternally grateful to my boyfriend. He dropped everything he used to love for Jacob and me. He always tells me he wouldn’t change his decision for the world. He wants to try again for another baby. He loves being a father and he is great at it. My family loves him and they love that he is taking part in raising Jacob. They are grateful he came into our lives as well. Some people tell me I’m wrong for letting a man who isn’t the biological father raise him. I don’t get why that’s wrong. He loves Jacob. That’s what matters. Right? This site has made me see how real women are and how real our feelings are. We aren’t like the women in magazines. We aren’t back to a size two a week after birth. Thank you to everyone who writes thier stories on here. It made me not afraid to speak out about my story and my life. I just wanted to feel important and tell my story. To someone who will care about it.

Picture 1: nick and baby Jacob. I wasn’t out of surgery yet.
Picture 2: my mom holding baby Jacob. My first look at him right after my c section.
Picture 3: Jacob in his daddy’s arms. 2 weeks old.
Picture 4: nick and Jacob. One year old.
Picture 5: me and Jacob
Picture 6: Jacob now at 1 and a half.

Has it been 4 years already? (Amanda)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Teen Mom 7 Comments

Age: 21
Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies, 1 miscarriage, 1 birth
Child’s Age: 4 years

I can’t believe it’s been 4 years already. My body has done some amazing things! When I got pregnant, I was only 17. Like most 17 year olds, I had a nice cute little perfect body. (Of course I didn’t think so at the time…). I weighed around 140, and got up to about 180 during my pregnancy.

Afterwards, I developed severe post-partum depression. I didn’t eat, barely slept, and since I was breastfeeding I lost weight ridiculously fast. In 2 weeks I dropped down to 130, well below my pre-pregnancy weight.

Once I went on meds, my mood (and my weight) stabilized at a much more healthy level. And since then, it has been a few years. My weight has crept up slowly, and I’m back up at 180.

Anyway, here are some pictures of me. I have one of those awesome botticelli bodies, at least I think so. Of course, there are those few areas that bug me. For some reason, my stretch marks have never faded. And I have that not-so-attractive shelf because of my cesarean scar. But, in general, I think I’m pretty cute! Even without the flat stomach and perky boobs. My body says I’m good at bearing children, which I’m assuming is attractive to men. At least, I haven’t had very many people turn me down!

Pregnancy and postpartum with twin girls (Shelly)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Twins 8 Comments

Age: 35
6 pregnancies that included 5 live births, including full term twins.
Would be 15.5 yrs old (Passed away sadly), 14 year old, 5 year old, and ten month old twin girls.
10 months postpartum
In the pregnancy pic I’m almost 33 wks with twins. (I grew MUCH MORE by 37 wks. when I delivered.)
I am 9 weeks postpartum in the after-preggo pictures. Thanks to my belly binding! I owe it all to that!
Me with my twins at 7 weks old.

All vaginal births. I have no battle scars to share, but I would have worn them with pride, because my children are SO worth anything. I believe a woman should love herself as she is, but I don’t blame those, like myself who rub creams to prevent stretchmarks and use binders to close diastasis and flatten mummy tummies.

The human body is beautiful. ALL shapes, sizes, and colors! I decided to put a nude pic up because I think the pregnant woman’s body is a beautiful thing, but I did cut my head off, lol.