Breasts

23 year old mum with 2 kids. 7 months PP (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 8 Comments

Hi, I am a 23 year old mum with 2 boys. Aged 2.5 and 7 months. I love my children and think they are the most wonderful gift that has been given to me. I wish I could think the same about my body.
I don’t think I look to bad for someone that has 2 children but I do see lots of room for improvement.
My husband tells me I am sexy and that he likes the look of me after having kids.

Somedays I wake up and think. OK I look pretty good today. Then other days I feel so ugly. I am getting there.

This summer I may even wear a bikini. Hubby thinks I have a good body for one so I might trust him on that. Then again maybe I will end up wearing a shirt over the top of it.

Finally Brave Enough to Face an Unwanted Reality (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Butt, First Pregnancy, Hemorrhoids/Etc., Postpartum, Question, Update 72 Comments

Original entry here.

Age: 26
Pregnancy and births: 1
Age of children: 3 years

I’ve been avoiding writing this letter. I think it’s because writing it means I will have to face a reality I don’t want. For almost three years I have been telling myself “it’s got to get better – maybe just another year and it will be back to normal”, but I don’t know if I can believe that anymore. And to compound the problem, it’s one of those “off-limits” topics that women (and I now realize doctors, nurses, and prenatal educators) don’t really talk about which has left me rather isolated. I have turned to you wonderful women at SOAM in hopes that I can connect with someone who has had a similar experience. I last posted in 2007 and have also provided some updated pictures. It has now been almost three years since the birth of my wonderful daughter.

When I first posted on this site, I only addressed things that most women do: breasts, bum, thighs, stomach, stretch marks, etc. But as I have learned, there are many more parts of a woman’s body that pregnancy and childbirth can affect – one’s that aren’t so easily seen or covered with clothes, but that still affect our self image.

I had a fairly difficult birthing experience – my daughter was occiput posterior and it took 2+ hours of pushing until she finally made her entrance into the world. My birthing nurse was not very engaged or helpful and let me push and figure it all out of my own while she chatted with her colleagues. Not one helpful tip about pushing, no perineal massage, nothing, until I tore so badly that she had to run and get the doctor because there was so much blood. Thankfully, after about 1 year, these tears (one internally on the vaginal wall, and one perineal tear) healed up nicely and I have no recurring issues in this department. However, there was so much pressure from my daughter being OP and also not pushing efficiently that I suffered from hemorrhoids, a peri-anal hematoma, and anal fissures after her birth. In the maternity ward, not one nurse mentioned to me that I had hemorrhoids when they came around for my checks and I could barely left my legs for them. When I left the hospital 2 days later, I had to shuffle out of the hospital, moving about half a foot and a time, because I was in so much pain. Being a first time mom, I had not idea this was not just part of normal birthing pain. At one of my daughter’s newborn checkups about 2 weeks later, the nurse at my physician’s office noticed that I was sitting sideways (on my hips instead of my bum) on the chair in the waiting room, and asked if I would like the doctor to check me out. I happily accepted and a few hemorrhoids were discovered. Over the next 9 months, I tried prescription strength hemorrhoid creams, suppositories, steroid creams, and finally internal ice therapy (which actually worked pretty well!). About 11 months after my daughter’s birth, I got in to see a specialist at a world-renowned clinic, who pretty much told me I didn’t have hemorrhoids, but I had anusitis (irritation and inflammation of the anus) from using all the creams. I cleared that up, and when 3 months later I still wasn’t feeling any better, I returned to the clinic for another investigative exam. This time, the doctor told me I had an anal fissure starting on the inside and coming out and up towards my tail bone. He gave me a prescription for nitroglycerin cream as he simultaneously backed out of the room (great bed-side manner, let me tell you…). I used this cream to no avail, and returned to my physician to get a referral to a different doctor. A few months later, I saw the new doctor who gave me a sigmoidoscopy, confirmed the presence of a mass of internal hemorrhoids and the anal fissure, and told me there was nothing he could do for me. I told him I needed to get this under control because I wanted to have another child but couldn’t while in so much pain, to which he replied “Well, if you want to have another child that’s your prerogative and you’ll just have to deal with it”. I left his office in tears.

Time went on and I was in an enormous amount of pain. Every few weeks I was confined to the couch, not able to walk, bend down, sit, pick up or play with my daughter, and certainly not have sex with my husband. Frustrated with doctors not listening to what I was telling them, the next time I had a flare up I bit the bullet and got the camera out. I took pictures of the marble-sized black and blue mass on my anus (sorry, but it’s true!) and called the first clinic I attended to make an appointment, but requested a different doctor. The doctor looked at my pictures and confirmed that the intense pain I had been having since my daughter was born was from a peri-anal hematoma. An appointment was made for the next week, and 20 months after the birth of my daughter, I had it lasered off (I was terrified, but the surgery was less painful than the flare-up!). I thought this was the end of all my problems, but about 6 weeks later, the pain was back. This pain was different, so again, I made an appointment at the clinic where I had the hematoma lasered off, and again got nitroglycerin cream for the fissure which wasn’t successful. To compound this problem, I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) when I was 14, and the alternation between diarrhea and constipation does nothing for my fissure or hemorrhoids. It has been 16 months since I had the hematoma removed, and I am 100% better than I was, but still suffer with pain almost every day. Depending on how my IBS is doing, the pain alternates as being from either my fissure or the hemorrhoids, and I haven’t been successful in healing either. I am sure I don’t have to go into how much this destroys my quality of life. My husband has been so supportive and patient and tolerant through this whole ordeal, but I can tell that he is getting tired of it, as am I. I want to be able to take advantage of naptime and jump his bones, without turning him down because my bum hurts or going through with it and suffering with the pain for the next 3-4 days. I hide my true feelings by saying I don’t want another child, when in reality I would love one but am so scared that because of what it will do to my already injured body I won’t be able to go through with a pregnancy and subsequent birth. It is the only thing in my life that truly brings me to tears every time I think about it. Is this my reality? Is this the rest of my life? Pain every day, always worried about if the foods I eat or the next bowel movement will cause enough pain to keep me from doing the things I really want to do, especially being a mom of two? That thought is like a punch in the stomach.

Has anyone ever had problems with a hematoma, hemorrhoids, or fissure after childbirth? What did you do about them? How long did it take to heal? Any natural remedies that were helpful? Anyone have surgeries to fix these problems? And what I’m most scared to ask, has anyone had these problems and then had another pregnancy? Did it make the problem worse? I am at a loss, and I really don’t know what else to do. I am a strong person by nature, but this is about as much as I can handle. I appreciate anyone who can help shed some light.

As mentioned, here are a few pictures of me almost 3 years after my daughter was born. And I must say, even though I have been through so much pain, my daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I wouldn’t trade her for the world….although it would be nice to have a bum that doesn’t hurt!

First Time Mom && Emergency C-Section (Heather)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 5 Comments

I’m Heather. I’m 20 years old & found out I was pregnant when I was 17 years old. I had my child at 18 & he will be turning three in February. I was in premature labor labor (3 weeks early)for 2 days && ended up having a c-section. Before I got pregnant, I was 5’3 &140 lbs ,very athletic ( a size 9). During pregnancy , I gained 26 lbs (I weight 166 lbs & was a size 15 at birth) I had a 7 lb 21′ long son. After pregnancy , I am a size 11 & weigh 155 lbs. 34 D . I do work out a lot & I am slowly getting my body back! I am not quiet use to the stretch marks & extra skin, but it’s getting better!

Destination : Self Acceptance (Tee)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Legs, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 21 Comments

Age: 26
2 pregnancies
2 children ages 10 and 18 months

I’ve posted here before under “Almost a year later“. Its now a little over a year and a half since the birth of my youngest. And I gotta say I am still striving to love the body that has become me. Despite my best efforts my weight is still stuck around 160 (i’m 5’6) so according to BMI I am overweight. My breast are pancakey and a lil asymmetric and my nippies are stretched out from breast feeding both boys. My body is plagued with stretch marks – head to toe. But I am a mother strong and loving who would not change a thing at the expense of my boys. Happily married to a man who loves. What more can I ask for, right? Maybe one day I will be content with my body but until then I will keeping waiting to reach my destination….Self Acceptance – are we there yet?

This is me – sagging boobs and all (Astrid)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 20 Comments

Hi everyone,

First of all I just want to say thank you to all the women that have posted on this page, I have learned a lot from reading your stories and looking at your pictures. I think this webpage is so important.

My story goes like this: I became pregnant for the first time when I was 21. It wasn’t planned. I tried to make it work with the father, but it was just a horrible relationship, I was abused physically (not to mention emotionally), so when my son was about one year old I finally pulled my self together and left him for good. Up until then I hadn’t really thought too much about how my body had changed from being pregnant and breastfeeding; I just had too many problems to even care. I mean; not that it was too much to worry about, really. I pretty much bounced back. But at this moment I had to kinda reshape my life; I had to make a new start, figuring out who I wanted to bee. Needless to say my self-esteem was low at this point in my life. As I said before; I had pretty much bounced back, my stomach was flat and with no stretch marks. I had gotten some stretch marks on my butt and hips, but they never really bothered me at all. My BREASTS is another story though. They were just filled with stretch marks. Up until I stopped breastfeeding (about a year after- around the same time that I left the father) it wasn’t too bad because they were full. But then I stopped breastfeeding and all of a sudden I had these boobs that looked like they belonged to an 80-year old lady! I got so self-conscious about them. I hated how they just hang there, a couple of loose and floppy skin-bags. I hated the fact that I could never go anywhere without tucking them into a bra first to somewhat have them under control. And the problem with finding bikini-tops that they wouldn’t fall right out of whenever I bended over! This was really a huge issue for me for a long time. And being a single mom, I kept thinking that no man would ever think I looked good with my clothes off.

Luckily though, I found a man who did. Or he found me, I don’t know. At 25, I became pregnant with my second child; also a boy, who is now 9 months old. From my second pregnancy I got two tiny stretch marks on my stomach and my belly-button looks weird now, I think. But it is no big deal. My breasts became big and full during the pregnancy, not to mention three days pp, when I was almost afraid they were going to explode. I enjoyed having full breasts for a while there, but now they are back to the floppy skin-bags they were before. I try to laugh about it and most of the time it is ok. I am proud that my body has grown and breastfed two beautiful healthy boys.

Posting these pictures of my breasts is a huge step for me, because I have been so embarrassed about them for a long time. I see the fact that I am able to do this now as a sign that I am making progress in the process to love my body as it is now- breasts included.

In the pictures I am pregnant with number 2 at 41 weeks and nine months pp after number 2

Coming to grips with a cesarean (Colleen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 39 Comments

I found this website before I ever even got pregnant, and I have checked back on an almost daily basis ever since, to read new posts. I think the concept is fantastic, and have been waiting for months until I could do my own post. Now, at three weeks postpartum, I think I’ve waited long enough!

My pregnancy was planned, long-awaited, and relatively simple. I had horrible nausea that set in at 4 ½ weeks, but I never actually threw up. Aside from two bleeding scares (at 6 and 28 weeks), I had no complications up until the very end. I told my husband that I felt like I kind of missed the memo on being pregnant, because I didn’t experience the “normal” swelling, mood swings, elevated body temperature or extreme clumsiness that you always read about.

I have a long torso, so my belly never got really big. An early delivery and daily application of cocoa butter kept me from getting any stretch marks on my stomach, but I did get them all over my thighs, butt and lower back. For some reason that doesn’t bother me as much as the thought of having them on my stomach. They’re small, not very dark, and should fade well. I went from 142 pounds at my 8 week appointment to 176 the morning I delivered, and at 3 weeks postpartum I’m already down to 155—no complaints there. I have some flab on my belly (that I know I can get rid of once I’m allowed to exercise—I’m SO TIRED of being out of shape!), and I don’t know if my butt will ever fit into my old pants again, but again—that doesn’t really bother me. My pants didn’t fit all that well to begin with, so I’m okay with having to buy new ones. I went from a 32F pre-pregnancy to an unbelievable 34H with nursing, and I can already tell that my breasts will sag after I wean my daughter. My husband doesn’t seem to mind, he just enjoys the fact that they’re so big! I still have a great overall shape, and that’s what matters to me.

I was planning on a totally natural birth, partly because I’ve wanted to give birth ever since I was a little girl, and partly because I’m terrified of epidurals. At my 34 week appointment, my doctor discovered that my baby was breech. Two weeks later, an ultrasound not only confirmed the breech presentation, but showed that my amniotic fluid levels were “borderline”. Five “restful” days later, they had dropped to “low”, and I was put in the hospital so I could have IV fluids. Three days after that they hadn’t increased, and I had to have a C-section (epidural included) at 36 weeks and 6 days. I was devastated. I went from wanting the most natural birth possible to getting the most unnatural. Instead of being in the hospital for 2-3 days, I spent a whole week there, most of it very uncomfortably.

The first week or two postpartum were hard. I felt like I had failed. I somehow felt like less of a woman because I didn’t get to participate in the birth of my own child. I was not allowed to wait to go into labor because the fluid was too low, so I have a child and still have no idea what a contraction feels like. I feel like I got cheated out of an experience I’ve been waiting my whole life for. I wanted somebody or something to blame for the whole experience (most of my frustration got taken out on my job, which caused an inordinate amount of stress during the last few months. I don’t plan on returning to the same job). My biggest fear is that I won’t be able to have ANY of my children naturally now, just because the first one was a cesarean. And it seems like nobody really understands how I feel. Nobody can understand why I WANT to go through labor, and the response I always get is “well at least the baby is safe.” I don’t begrudge the fact that my daughter is here and healthy, but I can still lament the fact that she had to arrive in the way she did. I have yet to find anybody (other than my husband) that can appreciate that those are two different feelings. The reactions of others make me feel like I’m selfish for having wanted to be able to give birth on my own, like I was putting my own desires above the well-being of my child. I’ve come more to grips with the cesarean the more time has passed (I’ve stopped crying for hours at a time every time I think about it), but there’s still that lurking fear of a repeat, and the feeling that I missed out on something big.

The pictures are 9 weeks pregnant (the closest I have to pre-pregnancy), 36 weeks and two days pregnant (the last ones I took of my whole body before she was born), two weeks postpartum (I haven’t taken any new ones since then), and my beautiful little girl.

My age: 25 years old
Number of pregnancies and births: one
How far postpartum: 3 weeks

Updated here, here and here.

Three Babies in Four Years (Natalie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 15 Comments

I am 27 years old, and just had my third baby, a little girl, May 11th. That makes me about three months post-partum, give or take a couple of days. I also have a little boy that was born November 14, 2005, and another little girl that was born January 9, 2007. I absolutely loved being pregnant, it was the only time in my life that I truly loved my body and felt completely comfortable in my own skin. The joy of creating and nurturing a new life and mothering my three gorgeous children has been and is the most wonderful thing I’ve ever experienced. Now that I’m done having babies, its been a little hard to accept the changes that my body has gone through, and the end result. I’ve never been a thin person, and right now I am at my pre-pregnancy weight, but I still notice things that I don’t like. I want to be able to look at my soft, round body and love it, but its hard sometimes. I want to be able to look at my belly, at the roundness and extra skin, and be able to see it as the beautiful place that was home to all three of my children. I want to see myself as my children’s father says he sees me, as someone beautiful, someone extremely sexy…and sometimes I’m able to, but not always. I could blame the media I guess, as inaccurately portraying real beauty, but to be honest, I think that the way I feel about myself ultimately has to come from within, and can only really be changed by me. I think this website is a wonderful place for women to come, at least I know it has been for me. I can look at women that are similar to me, and I see them as beautiful. It makes me feel like if I can see them as beautiful, maybe I can learn to see myself that way too.

All the pictures of me pregnant are from this last pregnancy, and any of me not pregnant are from within the last three months. My children’s father has taken all the pictures, and as you can tell, he loves taking pictures of me, and is very good at it :)

a bit saggy and unproportunal (MommyB)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 22 Comments

I am 23 years old, and I got married November of 2007. I had my son in May 2008…it was very very stressful, and i wanted my husband to enjoy my body…the only time my husband has seen my body is either filled with milk or like show below…I am not sure whether or not i was unproportional at all before i was pregnant, but I deffiently am now…its like one of my breasts got larger and stayed that way, and the other went back to the way it was before…

i believe the saggyness came from breast feeding for 5 months.

i get so frusterated about my breasts, alot of the time because I dont feel like I can give my husband the perfect
breasts he deserves and probably wants! I have a good man tho, and he just says “you are you and i love you…” :)
but it still diggs down inside me, that i am unattractive, etc…and that all other girls my age are perky and beautiful.

this site is amazing… i love it…it made me feel alot better about my chest and my body…but i thought i would show my body so those who have a chest like mine can know that they are not alone…that other girls have it too…

these pictures are taken 15 months after birth.

Breasts, Acceptance (Autumn)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom, Update 13 Comments

My name is Autumn, I’m 21 (22 in September), and almost 4 years postpartum.
I’ve posted here 3 or 4 times before, mainly with updates. This time I wanted to share my postpartum breasts (my belly is included, too!).

(Previous entries here, here and here.)

I’ve always been extremely insecure about my breasts, when I was a teenager I used to cry almost every time I looked in the mirror and I’d avoid the mirror until I had to shower, because I was so ashamed of my breasts. Thinking back, I don’t understand what I was seeing that was so awful and realizing they were actually quite pretty back then, made me realize I may not be seeing them in the correct light nowadays. I’ve been on a mission recently to feel as little shame about my body as humanly possible. I’m sick of devouring myself in insecurity. I’ve come to accept each of my body parts in their own time, I’ve been okay with my tummy, legs, butt, etc for awhile now. But I just could shake off the insecurities about my breasts, and seeing the breasts in the media (mainly movies that my husband watches, mainstream movies that tend to have breasts) really did not help me in coming to terms with them. So I started Googling natural breasts and was very pleasantly surprised at the amount of breasts that resembled mine and the fact that the super perky perfect ones didn’t completely monopolize the search. They were there, but I didn’t feel threatened by them with how many other breasts weren’t super perfect (but were still very attractive!). Over the last couple of weeks I’ve found acceptance for myself as a package and I’ve never felt so good. It’s a wonderful feeling not being down on myself every second of the day. So I figured since this site has helped me immensely in coming to terms with my body and seeing that I am attractive, in spite of what the media tells us, I would add these photos to show I’m no longer ashamed!

Updated here.

Struggling to Accept My Body’s Changes (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Butt, Cosmetic and/or Reconstructive Surgery, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Submissions, Tattoo 16 Comments

My Age: 29
1 Pregnancy, 1 Birth
7 Months Postpartum

I was 27 years old when I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I was 28 when I delivered him. My husband was 28 as well. I had separated from the military, married my husband, and gotten pregnant all within 8 months so to say my life was changing is an understatement! My husband was (and still is) on active duty in the military. We found out shortly after our first ultrasound at 9 weeks that he would be deploying overseas. He left at 15 weeks and was gone up until 3 weeks before our son arrived. It was very tough to be pregnant with no family around and only 1 or 2 friends for support. I also lost my grandfather during this time. I believe that everything going on during the pregnancy, as well as the circumstances directly afterward, set me up for postpartum depression.

My water broke 4 days before my due date around 10 pm. We went to the hospital first thing the next morning because my contractions weren’t picking up on their own. I wanted a natural childbirth and I was devastated when I ended up on pitocin. My husband didn’t understand how important natural childbirth was for me and he didn’t support me in trying to get that in a hospital setting. I was on pitocin for 9 hours until I asked for the epidural. It was 8 more hours before our son was born. The staff kept pushing a c-section because it had been so long since my water had broken, but I refused and I am so glad I did at least get the vaginal birth I had hoped for.

I had gotten breast implants in 2006, they were put in via an incision around the nipple and placed under the muscle. I was curvy on the bottom and always felt out of proportion. I felt so good about my breasts and my body after the surgery. The plastic surgeon had assured me I’d be able to breastfeed one day and my OB told me the same. I was again devastated when that wasn’t the case. My right breast functioned but my left did not. I barely produced any colostrum and later could only get a small bit of breastmilk from the left, about a quarter ounce at the most. My son would scream and scream when I put him on the left breast from frustration at sucking and not getting enough out. I ended up supplementing because of this, I didn’t feel confident that he could get adequate milk from the right side only.

The first 3 months postpartum I struggled hard with body acceptance issues and postpartum depression. I weighed 145 when I left the military and started gaining weight from having a sedentary job and not exercising. I was 160 when I got pregnant and weighed 205 at delivery. The first 2 weeks postpartum I dropped 15 pounds. I had expected to lose more right away and felt there was something wrong with me when it didn’t happen. I was stuck there at 190 until the end of February (that’s when I started trying much harder to drop pounds) and I felt disgusting because of it. I wore sizes that made me ashamed because I couldn’t shop in the sections or stores that I used to. My husband didn’t look at me the same way either and didn’t even try to help me feel better (we’re now going through couples counseling for many issues we’re having). I felt so guilty that I couldn’t exclusively breastfeed. We had moved at 6 weeks postpartum to a new duty station where I knew no one so I felt even more isolated and lonely. I began to feel angry all the time, I cried frequently, I told family and friends I hated my life. I lashed out at my husband and even started to resent my baby and feel angry at him because in my head it seemed like he caused so much of it all. I realized things weren’t right and went to my doctor. I started taking medication for postpartum depression, stopped breastfeeding completely, and saw a counselor. I felt much better almost immediately, I’m off medication today but I wish I had started it sooner.

I’m 7 months postpartum now and weigh 170. My goal is to reach 145 again, that was my weight in the pre-pregnancy pictures. I don’t know if it will ever happen or not, right now I’d be satisfied with losing another 10 or 15. I still have a stigma attached to the sizes I have to buy. I’m nowhere near fitting into any of my old stuff and I hate buying new clothes until I lose more weight. I realize my body has changed – my butt, hips, and thighs are wider, I have back fat that made me go up in bra size, the pooch on my tummy shows through my shirts – but I don’t know yet how to come to grips with that. I have tons of clothes in storage that I’ll probably never wear again, that’s the worst part because I had a great wardrobe. Even if I do lose all the weight I’d like to, he shape of my body has changed so much that the old clothes won’t fit right anyway. Maybe one day I’ll be okay with this, I’m continuing to work on self-acceptance. For now I’m happy that I get to be mommy to a beautiful, smart and fun little boy!