Breasts

My Body Take 3 (Emma)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breastfeeding, Breasts, Child Loss, Ectopic, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 14 Comments

I don’t think I have much to say, I am 22 years old and have three gorgeous sons, Jacob age 5 years, Benjamin age 3 years and Arthur who is 8 days old :-) Here I am with the youngest at 8 days post-partum. I felt incredibly empowered and attractive when I took these photos, and I chose not to edit them at all. You can see stretch marks from all three pregnancies on my stomach, hips and breasts, and surgery scars from the ectopic pregnancy. Also featured are self-harm scars from my teenage years. It took me a long time to love my body like this, but I wouldn’t have it any other way now.

Starting to Accept My New Body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 9 Comments

~Age: 24
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies, 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 months post partum

After two miscarriages I finally have my beautiful baby! Throughout pregnancy I loved my new body and was amazed watching it grow. I was lucky, I didn’t have stretch marks and I didn’t gain much extra weight. I was genuinely happy with the way I looked for the first time ever and enjoyed the special feeling of knowing that I was carrying a special, secret little person inside my big bump.

All that changed when I had my daughter.

After what many would class as an ‘unnecessary’ (or at the very least ‘premature’) caesarian I struggled to bond with my daughter, I struggled to accept the birth that she had had and struggled to come to terms with the difference in my body. I think the fact that I hadn’t given birth to her myself made the whole idea very abstract: to suddenly go from a pregnant belly with squirming baby inside to jelly belly and all of a sudden I am handed this baby. Well it was hard to accept. To top it off I suddenly woke up with stretch marks. Not only on my hips but on my breasts! That one blindsided me.

Four months on and I feel I have made some progress. I have always had small breasts so breastfeeding has been a real bonus – “nature’s boob job” someone called it and how right they are! In these photos I have just fed my daughter but they are normally a good size bigger. I am pleased to have a bit more curve to my top half.

I am not so upset with my figure. I have always carried a little extra fat (I was a UK12 pre-pregnancy and am a UK14 now) but I can usually hide the flab under my clothing. I even went on holiday recently and wore a bikini (although I did feel extremely self conscious in it).

The scar has healed better than I thought it would but it is still an ugly reminder of the way things went, but it is also proof that I have conceived and nurtured an incredible little life inside me for 9 months. It is hard to accept my body. I was no racing snake before but it is still a big change and hard to come to terms with. But my husband has been amazing and makes me feel just as sexy as when we first started going out. He has helped my self confidence and self esteem no end!

As for bonding, I am still waiting for someone to knock on the door and tell me “it’s all a big joke, you have to give her back now!”. I hope it never happens and I am constantly amazed at this incredible little person that we have created together.

I happened across this website by chance and I am so glad I did. I immediately wanted to participate. I wasn’t shy about showing off my pregnant body (not to this extent I hasten to add!) but I was still very hesitant. I thought about doing ‘underwear shots’ but then decided I would bare all and go for the full monty! And how liberating! I have never ever taken nude photos of myself before and I am so glad I did. If my stretch marks, love handles and podgy bits make other ladies feel even a little bit better about themselves then I am glad I did it. Thank you!!

Photos attached are at 33 weeks pregnant and 4 months (18 weeks) post partum.

My Twin Mom Body @ 1 Year Postpartum (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Twins 22 Comments

I delivered twin boys via c-section in January ’09 at age 38. Now I am 39 (40 later this year). For many years pre-pregnancy, I worked out frequently and intensely. I am 5’5″ tall, and at the time I got pregnant (my first and only pregnancy), I was very fit and weighed about 120 pounds. I definitely was concerned with what pregnancy would do to my body, but I also knew I had to gain a great deal of weight, and do so relatively quickly, since twins were more likely than not to come early, and I wanted mine to be as big and healthy as possible. I exercised mildly through week 30 or so, and religiously applied vitamin E oil to my belly, back, butt and thighs, though I knew this would probably have little or no effect. By the day I delivered at 34 weeks (when my preeclampsia became too severe for my doctor to allow me to continue with the pregnancy), I weighed over 190 pounds; my boys weighed 4 lbs & 3 oz., and 4 lbs 13 oz. at delivery. Although they had to spend a couple of weeks gaining weight in the NICU, the doctors and nurses all told me how impressed they were with boys’ sizes given their gestational age.

I nursed and pumped my breasts until the boys were 6 months old, and then switched to formula. During this time, when I wasn’t going crazy taking care of twin infants, I was despondent about my weight and my body but had absolutely no time to exercise or do anything else for myself. I wore maternity clothes for at least 4 months postpartum, and then bought 2 pairs of large cargo pants (I couldn’t come to terms with buying any other “big” clothing), and wore them to death, along with empire-waisted nursing tops. Lots of weight came off, but still I couldn’t stand the sight of myself naked, and avoided my friends and colleagues. By July ’09 I was down to around 145 pounds.

By September ’09, I was still up about 20 pounds, and vowed to do something about it. By that time I had the assistance of a nanny to help with the kids, and could take some time to exercise. I started going back to the gym, but even with help it was too difficult to have to schedule workouts outside the house. I committed myself to a home workout program, and followed through (note this involves approximately 1,000 abdominal exercise repetitions weekly — in addition to very challenging resistance routines for each major muscle group). By Thanksgiving, I felt like I had 90% of my old body back. I am now half-way through my second round of the program, and I can actually see my old body when I look in the mirror — so long as I’m standing far back enough not to notice that my areolas are a bit stretched out, and I have a bit of extra skin on my belly. I am actually very self-conscious about my areolas, but the extra belly skin is okay and I love my c-section scar!

My husband hasn’t given me any positive feedback on my body whatsoever. I have worked my butt off (literally), and am really pretty proud of myself for what I’ve accomplished, which is why I’m sharing here.

As for my boys, they are absolutely amazing. Within a few months, they were all caught up in terms of their prematurity. Now, at just over a year out, they are healthy, hilarious, gorgeous and smart. I love them beyond all measure.

My Submission (Jeanne)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 13 Comments

I had an unplanned pregnancy at 21. I was scared, I was doing it alone without my daughter’s father in the picture. Throughout my pregnancy I was afraid of what changes might happen to my body. I used to love my body and now I am still learning to accept the changes. I hit my prepregnancy weight and only gained 23 pounds while pregnant but I got stretch marks and things just aren’t as taught on my stomach anymore. I’m hoping that in time the skin will continue to shrink and I love my daughter to pieces so it has all been worth it.

Attached is a pre-pregnancy picture, a 1-week postpartum picture, and then a 4 month post partum picture, as well as a picture of my daughter and i. I don’t have a current one but it’s all the same.

~Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancy, 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 9 months postpartum

Updated here and here.

Belly (Kelley)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 13 Comments

My name is Kelley and I have a 7 month old son. He is my only child. I was around 135 lbs when I got pregnant at the age of 21. I was a bellydancer with an amazing stomach. During my pregnancy I ate all the wrong things and I am paying for it now. I gained around 60 lbs during my pregnancy. I am down to 166 right now but I hate working out and I don’t know what to do. I have so much extra skin and fat and flab all around my waste. My breasts used to be uneven but now they are completely horrible. I used to feel beautiful and confident and now I seriously HATE my own body. I feel like I will never be able to feel comfortable wearing a bathing suit ever again. I am so young and it really sucks to feel this way about myself. I am attaching a before and an after picture.

My Body 6 Weeks Postpartum (Angela)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 13 Comments

23 years old
6 weeks postpartum, 1st baby
225lbs

My name is Angela. Ive been a yoyo dieter all my life. Ive had plus sized years, and normal weight years… (about 130-160 lbs) Ive struggled all my life with it though. My mother would always criticize me about my weight starting from about 12 years old. Funny thing was, I was not fat. Not even overweight really. But I always believed her. Why wouldnt I? So when I ate better and lost a little weight to be 130 lbs at 5’5, (in my teens) she still hounded me, asking when I was going to continue dieting. Imagine feeling FAT at 130lbs. I felt terrible then. Then worse when i would gain weight and realized that I was not fat before, I was fat NOW. During my teens i had never been fat. I would just fluctuate between 130-150 lbs. I realize now that those are nice, normal weights. When I became an adult, I started to gain weight more and more. I would get depressed, thinking I was terribly fat, no one would want me, so I would just eat more and gain more. I got to my highest weight at the time of 215 lbs. I finally became so lonely and sad, I went on a super diet/exercise regimen. I got to 160ish lbs again. I felt great! I loved how i looked, could wear sexy clothes again, and i had huge confidence! I met my now fiance at that time. We met, fell in love, moved in together. He had always been a bigger guy, and as the relationship went on, I gained weight again gradually. in 3 years i had creeped up to 230ish lbs. And he SWEARS he never noticed a difference since we started dating. HELLO? 60lbs?? how do you not notice that? But, he loved me the same, and found me just as sexy as the day we met. We have a great reltionship, and hes done oodles for my confidence. :) But, old habits die hard, and no matter how much he tries, i still feel fat and ugly often. I got pregnant at 225lbs, had a vaginal birth, and since having the baby, Im back to the same weight 6 weeks post-partum. I want to try losing weight again, but im waiting till i get more of a hang on being a new mommy. I look almost the same as before pregnancy.. i have a few more stretch marks, (but im used to them, got em in the early teens from anywhere that i grew!) but my tummy now HANGS and is so ugly. I came to terms with being a bigger girl pre-baby, and was happy with my figure generally…. bigger, but curvy and sexy. Now i feel like i have an ugly hanging stomach and it just totally ruins my silhouette. And the worst part is, Its just hanging skin that I can only get back to normal by having a tummy tuck or something. I try not to look too much in the mirror lately, cause I get too depressed. My fiance tells me i look great still, but its hard to believe. :( But i dont harp on it. I spend my days with my little boy, enjoying the new life we have together. I find myself thinking a little less about my appearance lately, and instead i think about all the things i get to experience with my son. And no matter how my future children look, i will never criticize in the same way my mother had. I want my children to love themselves. :)

pic 1-4, 6 weeks PP
pic 5 1year or so pre-pregnancy

thanks for listening :)
Angela

Mom to 10 month old twins (Ariel)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breastfeeding, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Gestational Diabetes, NICU, Preemie, Pregnant, Submissions, Toxemia, Twins 7 Comments

I have been engaged to my fiance for 2 years when we moved out of the dorms and into our first apartment together, less than a month later I was pregnant, about a month later I found out ‘it’ was ‘them.’ I found out I was pregnant with twins at an abortion clinic. I wanted a baby but not at that point in my life, not when I was at the end of my teaching program, not before I was married….NOT NOW…is all I kept saying. When I was laying on the table in the clinic and the lady looked at me and said ‘I detect multiples.’ I cried, for the first time I cried because I knew they were here for a reason. There was no history of twins in my family, I wasn’t doing IVF, and I was only 20! Nothing says that I should have had twins. I felt like it was a miracle.

Anyway, I was happy about my pregnancy and told my parents and family when I was 9 weeks pregnant. We found out at 21 weeks that we were having a boy and a girl! We were super excited. It took forever to figure out their names but we finally chose them: Delilah AnnMarie and Leon Jason Paul and we were thrilled! I was going to school full time while my fiance was working full time.. At 31 weeks along I went to my OB for my appointment and he said ‘you are too complicated for the local hospital, so here are all your records, go find another doctor.’ I didn’t get names to other doctors but it didn’t matter because the next night at midnight while I was getting in the shower my water broke. My fiance drove me to the ER and they sent me by ambulance to a wonderful hospital over an hour away. I stayed there for 5 days while they tested me and tested me. I was borderline gestational diabetic and severe pre-eclampsia. At 9am the doctor said ‘there is no way she is leaving. We’re keeping her here until 34 weeks and then we’re taking the babies.’ At 5pm, the same doctor walked in and said ‘we’re having the babies in the morning.’ I was FREAKING out…to say the least.

My sweet baby girl was born at 8:04am and her little, yet bigger, brother was born 2 minutes later. Delilah weighed 3lb and Leon was 3lb 3oz. I saw them for 2 seconds and then they were ran down the hall to the NICU and they lived there for 48 days. They came home a week before their due date. During that time I was recovering from my c-section. It was brutal!

Concerning my weight and body image: I have never thought I looked good. I hated my body. A week before my twins were born I weighted 299lb…that is my highest weight. I don’t know how much, if anything, that I have lost, but since the beginning of the year I have set the goal for myself to love my body and to get to a healthy weight. I know I have a lot of work to do but I feel so much better since I’ve been eating better. I have been eating little to no junk food, no carbonated drinks, eating whole grains, and low fat, low sugar foods.

I’ve included pictures of me in the hospital, pictures of my belly when I was pregnant (all those pictures I keep off facebook) and a picture of me breastfeeding my son (to show how huge my boobs were) and a picture of me last week trying to get a picture of the 3 of us. That one is the hardest for me to look at, because I look so wide. Anyway, I think this site is amazing and will help me love my body.

Your Age: 21
Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancy and 2 births
The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 10 month old twins

New Body – Courtesy of Two Miracles (Danni)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Hyperemesis Gravidarum, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 6 Comments

Both of my pregnancies were an up and down battle. My pre-pregnancy weight before my first daughter was a beautiful 140 pounds that I was very proud of being only 5’5″. I thought I was beautiful and had curves in all of the right places. A little younger than 18 when I found out I was pregnant, I thought that my world was over, not even realizing that the most trying period would be during my pregnancy. I was only 11 weeks pregnant when the “morning” sickness came; constant throwing up and unable to eat anything resulted in me losing an almost whopping 40 pounds. It wasn’t until later that I was told my OB should have put me on medications to help with the extreme sickness. My daughter was born May 13, 2008 and I weighed 112 pounds before I gave birth. She only weighed 5 pounds 13 oz but I was back down to 98 pounds at my 6 weeks check-up. I absolutely hate my body after… I had no stretch marks but I felt all stick and bones, I looked and felt sick all day, every day.

When I got pregnant with my second daughter, I had gotten up to 115 pounds; I still didn’t feel beautiful like I use to but I was content with my body. Again, the same problem occurred with the sickness, except this time I had a midwife that helped me with medication and even some herbal remedies that were suppose to help. By week 39 I had gained a wonderful 50 pounds… probably alot to anyone that started at their regular weight but I was overjoyed that I had been able to gain my weight back plus some! I gave birth December 17, 2009 to my daughter who weighed 6 pounds 13 oz. With a few stretch marks to add I have fallen in love with my body all over again. I’m now a very proud 135 pound mommy to two and couldn’t be happier!

Age: 20
Number of pregnancies and births: 2
Age of children: 20 months and 1 month

Healing Takes Time But I’m On My Way (F)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 19 Comments

1 pregnancy, 1 birth. 5 months postpartum.

I finally am ready to share my story and photos. I have been reading other women’s stories on Shape of a Mother since I was 6 months pregnant or so. They really helped to change my views of my own and other women’s bodies. I now believe that every woman is beautiful. Being a mother is especially beautiful, to me.

I met Michael in July of 2008 and even with our 16-year age difference (I’m 23 now), we fell in love and decided to have a baby. I discovered I was pregnant in November 2008. My pregnancy was healthy, though I was very morning sick for a few months and I also gained about 90 pounds . I was very skinny when I met Michael and by the time I got pregnant I had gained about 20 pounds and was at a perfect weight (160 lbs- I am 5’10”).

Pregnancy brought out a lot of emotional issues, some I didn’t even realize I had. I learned a lot about myself, but unfortunately I had some pretty extreme arguments and fights with my close friends and my mother. Michael and I also began arguing a lot. Luckily my friends and mom eventually understood and forgave me, but over time the fighting really started to disturb Michael, who was (and is, I believe) struggling with his own inner problems of depression and anxiety. I kept promising him that it would get better once I had the baby.

Sophia was born in August 2009, at which time Michael and I were getting ready to buy a home for our family (we had talked about marriage but at that point we definitely felt we should take it one step at a time). My water broke one evening after I woke up from a nap, and 8 hours later, my daughter was born. I had an epidural at 9 cm (we didn’t know how far I was until after I got it!), and there were no complications. It was the best and scariest day of my life. I now know what it is like to fall in love with someone you KNOW you will always love! Giving birth really does help you to learn how to work with your body, and if I ever have another one, I would like to try and skip the epidural all together.

So, Michael took 7 weeks of his paid vacation time to be with me and the baby. It was great, but tiring and stressful. We still continued to argue over the tiniest things. I had to learn to let him do things his way with the baby (leave the room if you have to, I figured out! Haha). In October, Michael dropped a bomb on me: He wanted me to move out, and he was canceling the house deal.

I was shocked, hurt, angry, and in denial. I talked to friends and family (whom I love dearly but are not the type of friends or family that I could just go and stay with…) and I decided to stand my ground and say, “I’m not moving out yet. I’m only 8 weeks postpartum!” Sophia and I moved into her nursery and we continued our breastfeeding relationship. Things began to get extremely tense with Michael. One day we discussed how things would be as far as him seeing our daughter when we moved out. We ended up arguing because he thought he should have her some nights out of the week since he had been getting up with her for one night-time feeding (she had, and still has, 3 per night). I disagreed, because I knew it would compromise our breastfeeding arrangement, and I was not prepared to let her sleep somewhere without me at such a young age.

Eventually Michael filed for a PFA (Protection from Abuse) with the court due to “verbal abuse.” The PFA also included an eviction which is what he was after. He just wanted me out, immediately. I had been resisting moving out because I had not worked since I was 5 months pregnant and he had been supporting me. He was my only source of income. I was also really nervous to live alone again, and even more nervous to live alone with Sophia. After a lot of anxiety, crying, feeling sorry for myself, and praying, I agreed to move out if he paid for the move and if he agreed to pay monthly child support. I am a part time student and when I start school again this semester I will also have student loans to live off of. So financially I WILL be taken care of, I just need to learn to budget.

So now Sophia and I live one block away from her father (that’s right, I moved into an apartment building one block away). He has her 3 hours a day. It’s not a lot of time but it’s better than none! He will also be watching her when I take my classes at school. Though as of yet, we are not friends (tried that and it didn’t really work….he doesn’t want me to come into his apartment because he needs his space, and although it seems extreme, I can understand it, sort of.) I am hoping that one day we will be able to get along as friends do. We do still communicate about our daughter and we both love her very much. She’s healthy, and happy, and adorable! I have a therapy session once a week and am learning ways to cope as a single mother. I am sloooowly losing the weight and though I haven’t been exercising much since I moved out, I plan to start again. I am still breastfeeding as well. I really love it and Sophia really loves it, so I want to do it as long as I can!

Sharing my story with all of you is part of my healing process. I could keep analyzing the “whys” of the situation, and keep thinking of all the things I did wrong and could have changed, but that is not what I am supposed to do. I am supposed to be a good mother to Sophia, and that is what I plan to be. Although things did not turn out the way I had hoped, imagined, planned for, and wanted so desperately, they turned out the way they were supposed to, and the best part is- it’s not over- I have a whole life to keep living with my daughter, and I am in charge of my destiny!

Thank you for reading this.

PS. I could have easily gotten Postpartum Depression (and still could!), but I have been on the lookout for it. I have added fish oil capsules to my supplement routine and they have really helped my mental and physical health!

Picture Captions:
#1: About 4 weeks pregnant.
#2: 20 days before giving birth (1 week late!)
#3. 5 months PP.

Almost 2 ½ years later and still unhappy (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom, Update 42 Comments

I got pregnant at the age of eighteen and gave birth by nineteen, I am now twenty one. My beautiful baby girl is two and three months old. I love my baby girl but I hate my body. I’ve always had problems with my weight, one minute I would be overweight and the next I would be under weight. Just before I got pregnant I was bouncing between 107 lbs to about 118 lbs and 5’1 tall. Those were good days for me. By the time I reached full term in my pregnancy I weighed 162 lbs. I figured it would be no problem to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Eight months later I was at 125 lbs and looking good, but then I started working full time and I am a single mother and by the time I got home from work every day, I just didn’t have the energy to work out. And to make matters worse, I work at a desk all day so the physical activity is limited.

Before I knew it, I was back up to 146 lbs and all of my toning was gone. I know it’s not good to obsess about how you look but I’ve always been self conscious and it’s more than just how I look to me, It’s how I feel. I feel drained and depressed most of the time and most days now, I can’t seem to will myself out of bed in the morning. I’m missing days of work and missing out on life.

I’m trying my hardest to cope with the way I feel but it’s hard. Most of my friends that have had children all seemed to go back to normal after so I can’t talk to them about it. The funny thing is, is that I really want to get fit and start enjoying life but the depression is holding me back. Most of the time I just want to hide under a blanket and drink coffee all day.

The thing I hate most about my body is definitely my baby pouch. No matter what I wear it still sticks out and folds over and when I sit down it really looks bad. I feel like people are staring at it and thinking that I am gross or something. And why is it that you can never find underwear that will conceal it and make it look flat. I have tried all kinds of control underwear and all they do it push the fat upwards so you have extreme back fat (not so attractive). I don’t know maybe I’m just being crazy but this all seems very real to me.

Sometimes I really think that I should have held off on getting a job until my little girl was a little older so that I could have enjoyed our time a little more without all the added stress (my job is a legal job and not the easiest). But then I think that I did the right thing in being able to secure a future, however, it cost me my sanity and my body in the end. One day I hope to feel better and look better because I don’t want my little girl to start noticing how unhappy I am and start showing signs of the same behaviour. If things do get better for me I’ll be sure to post an update.

Thank you all for listening.

Updated here.