Belly

A Crushing Journey (Amy)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 12 Comments

Age: 26
2 Pregnancies 1 Birth
Baby Girl lived to be 2 ½ days old
I am currently 5 months PP

I come on this website often. Just to look at all you wonderful ladies and listen of the journeys that you have had. My journey has been a hard one of recent. Losing a child would never be an easy one. Lily was born after an almost perfect pregnancy. By almost I mean at the very end (41 weeks) my placenta separated from my uterine was and my precious Angel was deprived of oxygen due to her severe loss of blood. It was only a matter of time before the damage that had been done finally took her life. And I can honestly say that the single most amazing moment of my life was when I finally got to hold her and she looked up and me and my husband to say goodbye – the moment before her little heart stopped beating.

To work through many emotions I must admit I was pretty hard on my body. And by the 3rd month PP I had lost all of my pre pregnancy weight – despite the fact that I needed to take it easy due to my c-section. By 4.5 months PP I was 10 lbs below my original weight and then I stopped. It was although my mind finally clicked. No matter how hard I was on my body – she was not going to come back to me.

This month we have started trying to conceive again. Although I wanted to try again before now. Emotionally and physically I truly don’t believe I was ready before now.

I worry that new stretch marks will take the place of the old ones that remind me of Lily and that scares me.

And more than anything I worry that something like this will happen again.

Thank-you so much for listening.

Pictures: 1st me at 38 weeks pregnant 2nd me at 3 months PP

One Year After a Cesarean–Update (Colleen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 16 Comments

Previous posts here and here.

~Age: 26
~Number of pregnancies and births:one pregnancy, one birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 1 year post-partum

When I did my first post at 3 weeks postpartum, I figured I’d wait to do another when my daughter was a year old and I had made some progress. Her birthday’s was two weeks ago and very little progress has been made (at least physically—daily life got in the way!), but here it goes anyway.

I fluctuated between 138 and 142ish before I got pregnant, and was 176 pounds the morning I delivered. By 3 weeks postpartum, I was down to 155—and still am. While I don’t mind that much, it’s frustrating because I’ve actually GAINED some weight back in the last month or so. I had been at 150 for a while. I think that as my little one eats more food and nurses less, I’m just not burning as many calories, and haven’t adjusted my food intake accordingly.

I have wanted to work out. I want to be in shape and have energy and not get tired doing the simplest tasks. The universe (and money) seem to be against me in this. We do not have the money to join a gym. It seems simple enough to take walks outside with the baby in a stroller, but first we had an abnormally snowy winter, and now we’re having an abnormally hot summer (we broke 5 heat records in the month of June alone). The nearest mall is 25 minutes away. Jogging is out of the question because I can’t afford a specialty-sized sports bra (which I need). Finally I discovered that if I squeeze myself into two of my old sports bras they’re supportive enough, and I bought a pilates DVD. I have yet to try it, but I’m excited to finally be doing SOMETHING.

What I haven’t done physically I have made up in thinking in the past year…about body image, about childbirth and what makes a birth “perfect” or not. Seventeen of my friends have had babies since my daughter was born. Many of them are less-than-satisfied with their mommy bodies. I find myself repeating the “9 months on, 9 months off” mantra at least once a week. It really makes me wonder why we seem to think that our bodies HAVE to look the same after having a baby. Why is the stick-thin non-curvy teenage figure so desirable? Why do so many women reject the changes that their babies have wrought on them? When, exactly, did the ability to wear a bikini become the measure by which we judge our attractiveness? And why are only “perfect” women allowed to wear bikinis? So few people have that body, so why do we look askance at the REAL women who dare to bare it all (er…most of it)?

Somewhere along the line I developed an amazing sense of self confidence. I am happy with my body, extra belly fat and jiggly butt included, about 98% of the time. I find myself looking in the mirror sometimes and admiring my figure. My husband helps; he still finds me irresistible. There are moments, though, when I am disgusted by the fat that didn’t used to be there. I tend to get down a lot when I’m around my sisters. They both have a completely different body type than I (long legs and very slender vs. long torso and curvy), and are obsessed with fitness and eating well. I compare my size 10 H-cup self to a 2 and a 4 A/B-cup and end up feeling like a big tub of lard. I realize I’m not big but it’s easy to feel that way around them. I’m hoping the pilates will help.

What I find myself wondering, though, is if my self-confidence is truly a belief that I am beautiful, or is born of the fact that my body bounced back really well? If I was carrying an extra 40 pounds and covered in stretch marks, would I feel this well? I don’t know. I will have to wait and see what happens in subsequent pregnancies to find out. I hope that I can continue to feel good about myself no matter what happens.

When my daughter was 6 months old, a friend of mine had an emergency cesarean at 27 weeks, and her son died 2 ½ hours later. It rocked me to the core. It made me realize how lucky I am to have a happy, healthy baby, despite complications and despite her method of arrival. It made me appreciate how very lucky I am to HAVE the option of a VBAC, because my friend had a vertical internal incision and will now never be allowed to go into labor. She gave me the idea of becoming a birth doula to help other women to achieve their desired births. I’m still considering it (it’s probably not feasible with my current circumstances), but I really like the idea.

Not a day goes by that I am not utterly amazed at this tiny little person that my body grew and nourished (IS nourishing). She was exclusively breastfed until 6 months and never got formula. We just put her on whole milk a week ago, and I’m in the process of weaning her. She is happy and healthy and full of life. Often times my husband and I find ourselves sitting with her between us just talking about how much we love her. I am looking for a full-time job and it breaks my heart to think of leaving my sweet baby with a stranger all day long. She is worth the stretch marks on my butt and the saggy mess that my breasts are going to be in a month or two. She’s worth the two extra pants sizes and the difficulty with finding shirts that fit. She’s even worth the cesarean scar. I cannot wait to do it all again (except hopefully without the cesarean the next time).

Pictures:
1. The night before my cesarean (what you can’t see is that my shirt was laying on the ground next to me because I had an IV in my other arm, and couldn’t get the shirt off over the IV pole!)
2-5. One year and two weeks post-partum.
6. The joy of my life.

Updated here.

7 weeks PP (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 4 Comments

Age: 28
Number of pregnancies: 2
Children: 2 – son, 22 months & daughter, 7 weeks
How far postpartum: 7 weeks

I am 5″ 1′ and weighed 130 before I got pregnant this time – I gained 35 pounds which was a lot better then the almost 50 pounds I gained with my first pregnancy! Now at 7 weeks postpartum I am back down to 135 – I would like to get down to 115 which is what I was before I had my first baby… 20 pounds to go…

I had my son naturally after 75+ hours of labor and a very long and hard recovery time – so this time around we chose to have a c-section. It was the right choice for me!! Now 7 weeks later I feel so much better then I did even at 6 months PP with my son!! It has been easier this time around to except my body and the extra skin, weight and stretch marks. I have two beautiful children to show for it!!! :)

The photos are me 7 weeks postpartum – lovely stretch marks – and my c-section scar.

Written on my heart (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 14 Comments

Previous entry here.

~Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 2 year old and 4 months old

Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who has a changed body from pregnancy. I thought that because I was young when I had my children that I would look just like I did before I became pregnant very soon after. I saw pictures of a friend on vacation 6 weeks after having her son wearing a string bikini and looking like she had walked right out of an airbrushed magazine. Shortly after, another friend had a baby. I went to visit her ten days after she had given birth and she told me she weighed 15 lbs less than before she got pregnant. She looked amazing. I thought that going back to picture perfect meant success, and that if that did not happen that something was wrong with me. I thought that it meant that I was somehow acceptable and worthy if I looked as great as some people do. I based my self worth on the expectations I held for myself that were so unrealistic. I know some girls are very lucky and can go through pregnancy and birth with their bodies untouched but that is not true for most. I guess the way I have come to think of it now is that you have got to be happy with what you have and not feel less because you do not look like someone else. This body is the only body I will have and the sooner I can learn to love it, the sooner I can truly enjoy the blessings in my life. If I am looking down at the flaws I see, how can I look outwards and enjoy those around me? I am still on this journey to love myself but in my heart I know that it is worth it to counter what the media is saying to me so I can feel like I am whole and I am worthy, but most of all for my daughters who are looking at me through innocent eyes. They see me looking in the mirror pinching my sides, they see me rubbing my fingers along the imprints on my skin from stretching, they see me scrutinizing myself and they hear the ugly words I use to put down the body that gave them life and wrapped around their tiny bodies to keep them safe. They don’t see a body wrecked as I often do, they see their mother, their protector, the arms that hold them when they are scared, the breasts that nourish them and give them comfort. Their tiny fingers trace the marks on my belly as I tell them about the day I first knew they were going to be, how the tears choked me as I held my unmarked belly overwhelmed by the amazing miracle that was happening. I watched as the months went by in both pregnancies and changed my body and grew my babies well. I remember the quiet moments after their births when we could not believe that they were here, they were real. The marks on my body were proof that I was not dreaming. The marks remind me of the amazing miracles that started so small that no one knew but their father and I until they grew big enough to make their presence known. They tell a story of the kind of love that cannot be explained, it’s the kind of love that is written on a mothers heart like braille. The love of a mother for her child is a bond that cannot be broken, it is a love that is unchanging, it is both fierce and gentle. It is the kind of love that fuses two souls for eternity. The physical act of sharing your body with a precious angel is not something to take lightly, it is one of the greatest of human experiences. So these marks I often scrutinize are not making me less worthy or less whole, in fact, I feel more whole now, I have been so blessed to experience a love I never knew possible.

Updated here.

7 1/2 Months Later and Still Struggling (Jess)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom 11 Comments

I met my sons father when i was 17 years old. We met at a small little party and were together pretty much nonstop afterwards. Within 2 months we already had an apartment together. One night he had had a few drinks and we were just sitting around having a somewhat deep converstaion about how we felt about each other and he let it slip that i was a few pounds more than the girls he usually is with but if being with someone he really loves means having to deal with a few extra pounds it was worth it. I don’t think he was trying to insult me but needless to say it very deeply affected me. I dropped about 25 pounds over the next few months and went from 147 to 124. That was the smallest I have ever been. My self confidence was just horrible. I was always accusing my boyfriend of being unhappy with my body and it caused a lot of problems. I was 18 when I got pregnant and 19 when my son was born. I was honestly a miserable pregnant person. I gained 70 pounds going from 124 to 194. My doctor sent me to talk to a nutritionist every single appointment. It was honestly embarassing. I managed to avoid stretch marks until i was about 38 weeks. I think they actually got worse after I gave birth. I had a really horrible case of the PUPPS rash and was due to be induced on a dec. 20th. I went into labor naturally on my own tho on the 19th. It was a long 30 hour labor followed by a c section because i was just not dilating. I never made it past 3cm. I love my son very much and he is comlpetely amazing but i still get very depressed over my body. I’ve dropped about 50 pounds over the past 7 and a half months and am now down to around 143. I breastfed for 2 months and it was a really good experience while it lasted… definitely helped me to bond with my son and it was great not having to wash bottles lol…. My boobs have definitely changed tho… they depress me very much… they’re just these empty little sacks of skin with huge nipples…. they used to be my favorite part of me… I’ve pretty much hit a plateau as far as my weight loss goes. I don’t think im going to be able to lose anymore until i learn to like myself and become a happier person… I am a very emotional eater…. I know things could be so much worse… but i could really use some motivation…..

Pictures-
1-3 Weeks pp
2-6 weeks pp
3-6weeks pp
4-4 months pp
5-4 months pp
6-5 1/2 months pp
7-6 months pp
8-7 1/2 months pp
9-7 1/2 months pp
10-7 1/2 months pp
11-8 months pregnant
12-prepregnancy
13- my son

Updated here.

Wow, Our Bodies Go Through a Lot! (Rhianna)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 12 Comments

age:23
Births: 1 daughter now age 3 via c-section

I went through alot before I was pregnant. I was using drugs, drinking,smoking, and had 8 years of history dealing with Anorexia/Bulemia to a very full extent. When I got pregnant I quit them all cold turkey. Started out 110lbs give or take… and on teh day I delivered consequently I weighed 236 lbs.. from no metabolic rate left.. awent through alot of depression and the worst fatigue of my life… and CRYING.. and panic atatcks from crazy hormones and the works haha… trust me.. thought things would never get better.. but my daughter kept me laughing at myself all along the way.. I mean honestly teh irony of starvign myself half to death for 8 years just to gain over 100 lbs in the end was a little amusing ( much later on ) and good times and getting though. Just knowing I had to love myself for her to love in her life without bounderies.
Anywase It’s 3 years later.. have been down a long hard road, have gone through a marriage, a divorce, loosing 115lbs…. yada yada.. still have my shelf tucked under my underwear line. lol. but I don’t even care anymore… why becuase I donno who can shove out 10 grand for a dang tummy tuck, well it aint me for sure. Im now a single mom. Through everything I have not touched drugs again. My eating disorder is currently at bay, and is not how I lost my weight. Im dating again, loving my life with my daughter. I knwo she was always the bigger picture. I would do it all over again in a heart beat to make sure that heart beat made it here.. just as I know all you mommies woudl too right! Becuase we are seriously strong as women aren’t we? I am so proud to have a daughter.. and now i wear my c-section as my battle wound proud :)

082410-rhianna-1

This body made one gorgeous little boy.. (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 5 Comments

I am 21 years old, and married to my wonderful husband who is in the Navy. We have known each other since I was a little girl, and we started dating when I was about 17. When I was 19 I moved down to Virginia Beach with him where he was stationed. A few months later we got engaged and then he got new orders to San Diego, and we found out he would be deploying as soon as he got there. We then made the decision to tie the knot before he left, because in the military you just never know what will happen. He deployed and came home 7 months later, and about 4 months after he was back I found out I was pregnant. We weren’t trying and I was still taking birth control so it was just an “oops”. It was the best oops of our lives though! I had a great pregnancy until the last week in which I kept having contractions. I would go to the hospital (navy) and they would tell me I wasn’t in labor. That whole week I dilated to 3 1/2 cm, and kept having contractions and went to the hospital 3 times but I “wasn’t in labor”. One day I was sitting on the couch at home and my water broke, well I “was in labor” lol. So, we went to the hospital and after they broke the rest of my water I had our son 4 hours later. I knew what my body was doing and it just angered me to be told that I didn’t know what I was talking about because it was my first pregnancy. Our son came and our lives changed!

My husband is now deployed again and will not see us again until our son is about 16 months old (he is 11 months now), so we are anxiously awaiting daddys return! I have my good days and bad days with my body. I have worked VERY hard to get my body to where it is, and get very offended by people who say to me that I just have good genes. That is not true at all because I have horrible genes, my whole family is overweight. I make time for myself to go to the gym, and I am very thankful that I have the means to do so. Just like every other woman I have my insecurities. I have stretch marks on my love handles, thighs, and hips that are so a horrible texture. My boobs are a bit saggy, and my nipples are a weird texture after breastfeeding for 3 months. Every woman has her own insecurities, and I think it is offensive to anyone to be told that their insecurity is stupid (which I am told a lot). I am thankful for this site, because it always lets you know you are not alone :). I am proud of where I am and so incredibly happy to be the mother of our wonderful little boy!

First pregnancy/birth
11 months postpartum

Not sure if I’ll ever be satisfied with my body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 21 Comments

Age: 22
1 pregnancy/1 birth
almost 4 months postpartum

I had always been thin and I took pride in being in shape and attractive. My weight was fluctuating in 2009- from 112 lbs in January to about 130 lbs in July (the heaviest I had ever been). I saw the “+” on a pregnancy test 2 days after my 21st birthday.

My self-esteem was never that great and the pregnancy didn’t help. I looked in the mirror and was embarrassed by what I saw: the new larger breasts, the belly button that popped out, the belly piercing that was stretching as days went on. Looking back, I’m saddened that I didn’t feel as beautiful as I was. I was glowing and I only gained 22 lbs total. I didn’t have one stretch mark.

I gave birth to my son in April of this year. My breasts grew outrageously when my milk came in and while I tried my best to breastfeed, I couldn’t do it for several reasons. Pre-pregnancy, I wore a size 34B bra which turned into a 36C while breastfeeding. After my milk dried up, my breasts were left deflated. I can now fit into my old 34B bras, though the band is a little snug, but my boobs slope down when they used to be “perky” and round. I can’t stand to look at them at all and I hide them from my boyfriend at all costs.

I currently weigh 135 lbs and wear a size 6 (I was a 2 or 4 pre-pregnancy), but my entire body is so different. I feel so detached from it sometimes, like this isn’t really my body. Somewhere inside of me I was expecting to lose the weight and look the same as I did pre-pregnancy, but now I’m seeing that that’s not possible.

Right after I had our son, I asked my boyfriend if he was still attracted to me even though my body was different. I told him I was scared that he was going to leave me for a girl who was in better shape than me. He responded with “I’m in love with a beautiful woman, why would I want to leave her for some girl?”. It was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me. My boyfriend tells me I’m beautiful every day and I am so lucky to have found a man who appreciates my body and loves me the way I am. It’s hard for me to accept his compliments and kind words because I don’t see anything attractive about my body anymore. My desire for sex has dwindled even though his has remained the same.

I wish I could look at myself in the mirror and see beauty and strength. I wish I could be in awe. Instead, I am jealous of the other girls my age who have flat, tanned stomachs and are wearing string bikinis at the beach. I hope someday I can accept and appreciate this body for all of the miraculous things it did to give life to my son.

Story of a Teen Mother (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Belly, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom, Third Pregnancy 5 Comments

Your Age: 19
Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies 1 birth.
The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 years postpartum

I was 15 when I found out I was pregnant,I was scared and did not know what to do. My boyfriend was very supportive and together we decided to keep our baby. My dad was always working, my mother did not live with us at the time and my siblings were always so busy with their lives that somehow I managed to get by my first 6 months of pregnancy before they even suspected anything. I finally decided to let my father know that I was 6 months pregnant with a baby boy and that I had decided to keep him.He was surprised but overall very supportive of my decision. After telling my father I let everyone else know what was going on. My mother and sisters were very upset with me and my decision but they got over it quickly. They all tried to make my last few months of pregnancy pleasant.Then on a warm day in June my son was born , he changed our lives for the best.He is a joy and just what we needed in our family.Having him at a young age wasnt easy for us at all: money was always and issue and we had to give up our teenage lives and grow up fast. Unfortunatley I carelessly became pregnant twice after having our son. We decided we both werent ready for any more children and decided to have an abortion.We have learned from our past and make sure we do not get pregnant again.I have been using Nuvaring for 2 years now. I have since then graduated High School I plan on going to college in Fall, My boyfriend is in college and a year shy of getting his associates degree. and yes we are still together and do not plan to have any more children any time soon. I hope my story isnt to badly written and that it makes some sense & please ask questions or comment if youd like.

Finally, Confidence! (Autumn)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 8 Comments

~Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: He’s 4, will be 5 years on September 22nd

I’ve posted here numerous times, my previous entries:

Autumn
Stretch Marked Legs
Happy With My Body
Breasts, Acceptance

This update is to show how my body has changed, yet again. I was married to my son’s father, not really a happy marriage and the depression that came with it caused me to gain weight unrelated to my son. This weight gain and weight loss (I am now divorcing his father and have lost 25 lbs.) caused my breasts to sag a little more, but my stretch marks have faded an amazing amount.

I have started seeing someone new. Yesterday, we were all together when my son called me by my first name. My boyfriend looks at me and says, “He calls you Autumn and you don’t mind?” I said to him, “It doesn’t bother me, I know I’m his mother. I have the scars to prove it!”

He replied, “And they’re good scars, too, baby.”

I have to say, I completely agree with him. I can finally say that I don’t think there’s a darn thing wrong with me. I have never felt more attractive and I’ve never been more confident in myself. I’ll take feeling like this over my perfect teenage body any day of the week!