Belly

I Feel Like a Woman Now, 20lbs Heavier (Ashley)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 9 Comments

I have always been a rather thin girl. Perhaps bordering pre-pubescent. I was never one to be hit on or even complimented. Instead I got the, “omg do you need help. Lets get her to a clinic right away.” Standing 5’7″, I was 130 lbs pre-pregnancy and wore a size 7. I had a fairly easy pregnancy until the last 10 weeks and managed to pack on 75 lbs. I was miserable and so swollen I couldnt even wear sandals. I guess this is what the expression barefoot and pregnant is referring to haha. Immediately after I had my son via emergency C section, I was 186, by the time I got home 10 days later due to complications I was 165. And there it sat, for over a month. The scale did not want to budge no matter what I did. So I stopped worrying about it, donated all my old clothes and treated myself to some new pieces that were made for my new size and shape. Today, 3 months postpartum I am 150lbs and wearing a size 11. When I first came home from the hospital I cried. My body was never going to be the same, but then this strange thing happened. I felt womanly for the first time in my life. No longer am I being looked at and treated like a 13 year old girl. No longer does my husband feel like he’s a pedophile (ok, maybe this is just my strange sense of humor talking). I LOVE looking in the mirror and seeing curves. Real live curves. I feel sexy, I feel womanly. I feel like people look at me and respect me as a mother. I am thankful for this extra weight.
Yeah, I do have plenty of stretch marks and that lovely flap of skin over my incision but my advice to all ladies struggling with your new bodies is: Give it time. The more you love yourself the better you will look. Don’t aim to fit into your old pants. Dress for the body you have now.

First Picture: 40 weeks pregnant
2nd pic: 39 weeks pregnant_front
3rd pic: 9 days post partum
4th pic: 3 months post partum
5th pic: My son at 3 days old
6th pic: My son at 3 months oldI Feel Like a Woman Now, 20lbs Heavier

The Best Thing About My Pregnancy is That it’s Over (I.L.)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 6 Comments

Age: 30
Pregnancies and births: 1/1, my toddler is now 22 months old. I got pregnant a few weeks before my 28th birthday.

Pregnancy and birth have not changed my body that much on the outside. I have a hypertrophic-but-fading lower segment cesarean scar on my belly right above the pubic bone, a few stretch marks I got the day I
went into labour and don’t tend to notice anymore because they have faded, slightly more deflated small-ish breasts (mine were never particularly perky to begin with) and the skin on my belly is the tiniest bit more stretched than it used to be. Bar the cesarean scar that changes colours from silvery white to angry red when I’m on my period or ovulating (!) none of the changes are that noticeable. I gained 25 kg (55 lbs) or thereabouts during pregnancy and have lost most of that slowly during the last 22 months without dieting for
weight loss.

I lift weights and stay physically active for strength, for fun, for the sheer joy of it, and because I want to feel at one with my flesh instead of viewing myself through a distorted lens of body obsession; I don’t avoid pointless self criticism always, but I do try hard to do so. Mostly I’m fine. I enjoy cooking, eating, planning meals, dining out, eating mindfully and with great pleasure. This, to me, means I try to get in enough protein to sustain muscle growth, generally although not always opt for cooking my own food to know what’s in it,
and avoiding gluten whenever possible (it makes my reflux worse) — but I don’t generally worry much about what I put in my mouth, except in terms of whether the taste would benefit from adding more butter.
:-)

Life is enjoyable and I feel good being myself. The way I try to (and often do) view myself and my body, the way I talk about myself and other women, the way I enjoy my physicality, these are all gifts I want to give to my daughter, but I’m not doing them only because I want to be a good role model to her. I am doing them because they’re right and sane and wholesome. I can appreciate myself without needing to think it’s for the sake of my daughter; it is, but more importantly it’s for me.

My pregnancy, a completely different story. It was a crapshot — we weren’t supposed to be able to conceive the natural way but somehow did — and crappy besides: I had a psychotic episode in the first
trimester, then heartburn, reflux, sciatica, insomnia, and as the cherry on top of this cake a UTI/kidney infection and hydronephrosis (distended kidneys) of pregnancy for which I was hospitalised for four days by the end of the second trimester. I spent the last three months of my pregnancy on my left side or on all fours, drinking the vile swill prescribed by my urologist: unsweetened cranberry juice and water, at least three to four litres of this per day. I was told I should pee whenever I felt the slightest urge to for fear of urinary backflow, which meant I was running to the loo four times every hour, also in the nights. It took several months for my bladder sensation to return fully after delivery. I had no issues with incontinence before or after pregnancy, but I did suffer from not knowing whether my bladder was full or not, as the pee-as-often-as-possible-just-in-case regime removed my capacity to recognise when I actually need to go.

Then I had a baby, which meant three days of labour. I didn’t mind the pain, as I found it easy enough to relax between contractions once I hit real labour and as I was very dedicated to seeing things through
the natural way if at all possible. Turns out this wasn’t to be the case, and I had cesarean surgery… with insufficient anesthesia, as I could feel a little window of pain on the left side when they cut. Not my best moment. Afterwards, the dragon nurse at the maternity ward told me — screamed at me, really — that paracetamol (acetaminophen for North Americans) is perfectly sufficient as a pain killer for post-cesarean pain and that other women have also had cesareans, why do I complain and cry so? I was not happy with my cesarean but could eventually came to terms with it. Being denied appropriate pain relief afterwards however meant I had severe problems with PTSD for more than a year postpartum. I also felt let down by my partner who couldn’t grasp the severity of the situation until way after the fact, and still feel deep sadness and anger over what happened. At least I’m no longer reliving my horrible birth experience and over and over, unable to sleep or go out for fear of breaking down in public.

It also took me quite a long time to bond with my baby, but I did expect this and wasn’t actually too alarmed when I didn’t feel a huge surge of love for my newborn. Frankly I wasn’t particularly interested in her when they showed her to me in the operating theatre — in my defense, I had other more pressing problems at hand, like feeling really awfully sorry for myself and wanting to die — and my strongest emotions in the first weeks after her birth were mild interest and confusion. Love, that took a while to arrive. I started out breastfeeding as I had planned to do, as all the women in my family had done, and we had a few miserable months of it because of thrush on my nipples, which I likely got from the antibiotics given to me during
the cesarean birth of my daughter. Healthcare professionals were a joke when it came to nursing support and/or medical help with this, but I persevered and did my research online, sent my partner out for a
bottle of gentian violet and put myself and my baby on a kill-the-yeasties regime. It worked, and we’re still going strong with breastfeeding 22 months after her birth. I expected to be done by now — I nursed for 15 months myself and thought we’d go to a similar length — and I am starting to feel like I’m ready to wean in the not-too-far future, but I know my daughter is not and so I’m merely working on limiting the frequency of her nursing sessions to a few times per day to avoid maternal burn out. She’ll wean when she’s ready to; I can wait.

I did not feel a strong need to procreate before I had my daughter. We were undecided, thinking “maybe in a few years” when we found out my partner has Homer Simpson sperm and is unlikely to have a child the
natural way. We dropped contraceptives immediately after hearing about this, reasoning that a) life will be so much easier when we don’t have to bother with solutions that aren’t working that well for us (cervical cap + spermicides = raging yeast infections for the both of us, condoms were not particularly comfortable for him, and hormonal methods are too likely to make me batshit crazy, or crazier than I usually am in any case) and b) if we end up somehow making a child, wouldn’t that be the luckiest, rarest, weirdest, most wonderful thing
ever? I got pregnant before a year had passed. Now, after having that one child, I find I have a bad case of the baby rabies… only, the idea of pregnancy (and finding a qualified nurse-midwife who does homebirths in my area AND has a personality that doesn’t clash with mine) makes me reach for a paper bag to breathe into.

I don’t often think of life in terms of lucky vs unlucky, but I do when it comes to pregnancy and birth. There, I was dealt a bad hand. I’m not sure I have it in myself to go through it again, particularly when I know my kidney issues are very likely to also be an issue in a future pregnancy. I’m aware of and educated on great many issues surrounding birth, I am not easily cowed by anyone, I have the wisdom from experience, the support of my fantastic partner and a lot of different options with pre/postnatal and childbirth care thanks to
where I live … and I’m really scared, because while all these factors would and will contribute towards not having unnecessary medical interventions done before, during or after childbirth, they will do absolutely nothing if and when there IS a real medical need for such. I would know. And I’m not sure I’m mentally strong enough to deal with the anxiety and uncertainty, nevermind the medical issues present, on the next round.

Really, the best thing about my pregnancy is that it’s over.

The photos included: myself 22 months postpartum twice, my toddler nursing her teddy bear in the middle of Ikea, myself looking for braaaaains! at 37 weeks pregnant, myself at the age of 25 before pregnancy.

Body Image Issues, Husband Not Helping (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 40 Comments

Age: 23
Number of births: 1
Age of Child: 2 months
Currently 2 months post par tum

My story goes back all the way to elementary school when I started struggling with body image issues. I had precocious puberty which is basically going through puberty way too early. I started my period at age 8 and had severe acne by age 10. Obviously I was very different than all the other girls my age, and not in a good way. Not only was I going through all this, but I was also at a very awkward age. I was a little chubby compared to all the “pretty girls”. Boys constantly teased me about my severe acne saying things like “pizza face” or they would tell me to go wash my face. I came home crying from school just about every day in 4th and 5th grade. My acne was so severe, I was the only 10 year old in the country at the time taking the strongest acne medication made. Fast forward to middle school. My face finally cleared up and I had the biggest breasts in the entire school. Boys were actually paying attention to me (because of my boobs lol), but I still compared myself to all the “popular girls”. First of all, I am NOT by any means “skinny”. I have never been skinny, I’ve always been “thick”. All the girls the boys were attracted to I had tiny petite frames and tiny petite weights to go along with them. I don’t know why, but I continued comparing myself. When I got to high school, I still wasn’t happy with my weight. (Looking back, I looked dang good but I always thought I was fat) I started skipping meals a lot toward my senior year and one summer all I really consumed was sugar free red bull. Living in Florida by the beach, makes it easy to be motivated to stay skinny. Like I said, I’ve never been super skinny, but when I graduated high school I weighed 145. It may seem a lot to some, but 145 looks really good on me.

My first year of college I met my husband. When we started dating, I weighed 150. My weight jumped from 150-165 over the next two years. Hubby decided to join the Air Force and when he was away at basic, I made it a priority to get back down to 145-150. I did this by working 12 hour day serving shifts, eating only one low calorie meal a day, and surviving solely on diet sodas for energy. I succeeded and looked really good when he graduated. Six months after he graduated basic, I moved up to Montana in February and we were married. From February 2010-November 2010 my weight jumped all the way up to 175. Everyone told me when I got married I would gain weight, but I didn’t think it would be that much. I got pregnant that November and of course my weight continued to sky rocket. Near Christmas, I discovered some racy videos on youtube that my husband watched. It wasn’t anything hardcore, but still upset me. He knew before we were married that I do not put up with porn or strip clubs. We are Christians and in my opinion, lusting after other women is considered cheating. He had never done that before when I was skinnier, and I felt so rejected. Because of the military, we didn’t have a wedding, so we had one on our 1 year anniversary to celebrate with our family since they weren’t there at the courthouse the year before. I knew my husband was having a bachelor party, but he kept assuring me he didn’t want to go to a strip club. Well stupid me believed him, and I found out the next day they did. It completely broke my heart. I already was feeling completely self conscious about my changing body and it made me feel uglier and uglier. I was half way through my pregnancy when that happened. Then two months later, I flew home for a baby shower. Because I was feeling very suspicious, I installed a program on our computer that tracks every move you make on it. I wanted to know if my husband was looking at inappropriate stuff on our computer. Sure enough, as soon as he dropped me off at the airport, guess what he was doing? Not only was he doing that, he was making moves to ensure I wouldn’t find out (deleting stuff, being in “private mode” on the computer, etc) This made me lose all trust in him and really took a tole on our marriage. All I could think about was how things might be different if I weren’t pregnant. If I wasn’t fat, he would want me instead of the girls on the computer. He said this was the only time he had done that since we were dating. (I just recently found out that was lie and he was looking at that stuff in December) It kind of made me resent my bulging stretch marked belly. My weight kept going up, and all I could feel was rejection from my husband. The day before I went into labor I weighed a whopping 223 pounds.

I am currently 8 weeks post par tum and weigh 190. I absolutely HATE my body. I still do not feel sexy, and don’t think I ever will again. I do love my son with all my heart though. I never thought I could love someone as much as him, and I don’t resent him at all for my body looking like it does. I am having a really hard time though because my husband comes from all brothers. The only other female in the family besides his mom is our sister in law. She is a size 0 and probably doesn’t weigh 90 pounds soaking wet. Her son is two years older than ours and you could never tell she’s ever had a baby. She has no stretch marks and returned to her pre-pregnancy size after a month post par tum. His family always talks about how small she is and how great she looks in front of me, and in a way I have built up resentment toward her because of it. I’m taking it one day at a time though and trying to come to terms with how I look now. My husband says I look sexy, but I don’t believe him. I just recently found a search of a porn star on his iPod. I know he cant possibly be turned on by me. We are trying to work and build back trust in our relationship though.If any of you knew me personally, I would NEVER in a million years show you how my body looks. But, because of all the wonderful women on this site, I am willing to open up and show pictures. I think this site is so inspiring. It makes me realize I’m not the only one who looks like this. You women are so incredibly awesome and I wish I could have one ounce of the confidence yall have.

Obsessed with this jelly belly (B.J.)

Bonnie (SOAM) African American, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 13 Comments

I’ve struggled with my weight since I was 9.At one point in time I even became anorexic. I’ve always been one to exercise and diet to stay in shape. In high school I had a really nice body, and for once I was kind of proud of it. But at the age of 16 I got pregnant and gave birth to my son in June of 2009. I lost all of the weight really fast but my stomach is saggy and stretched with stretch marks. I can’t wear a bikini and though with clothes on my body looks fine, I try not to look at myself in the mirror with clothes off. I’m getting married in December and my fiance’ has never seen me with my clothes off. I’ve told him about this dilemma and he assures me its not that big of a deal but he hasn’t seen it yet so I’m like how can he say its not a big deal? I don’t even wanna take my shirt off around him. I’ve been dieting and exercising and though the rest of my body is in shape my stomach is so ugly. I’ve been using creams and everything but the results are limited. I emailed pictures to doctors and they tell me only a tummy tuck will fix my tummy and no amount of dieting or exercise will give me significant results. I just want my husband to think of me as beautiful when he finally sees whats underneath but I doubt he can if I can”t even look myself in the mirror.

Age:19
Number of pregnancies and childbirths:1
Age of child: 2 years
Postpartum: 2 years

Comfortable in a new body? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 3 Comments

I never thought I’d be posting on a website like this. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mean that in a bad way I just assumed I would be one of those lucky few women who bounced right back after having a baby. You know no stretchmarks, toned and taut tummy less than 6 months PP? With every new stretch mark I found on my belly during pregnancy I got sadder and sadder. What a cruel joke, I thought, to get stretchmarks @ 35 weeks in my pregnancy. After all I went 8 1/2 months without getting them! After I had my son and I first saw my PP body I just about fainted. Where was the pretty flawless tummy I use to have? Whose body was this in the mirror with the sagging and stretchmarks all over it? I felt gross, disgusting, and not beautiful. I didn’t even want my husband to touch me. The only part of my body I was happy with ironically was my vagina which held very well after an easy vaginal delivery. Well 5 months PP after the stretchmarks have faded (yea they still have a lot of fading to do but overall 100% better than right after birth) and the saggy, jiggly stomach has shrunk and attempted to bounce back to its previous state. I realized my body is just as beautiful now as it was before. I have carried life inside me and it was a blessing and such a beautiful gift. The stretchmarks, yea, they’ll never go away but each time I look at them I’ll smile and think of the little kicks and nudges that used to be inside me. The breasts, yea, they’re saggier and not as perfect and I am contemplating a boob job but I look at my son and realize I wouldn’t do a thing differently if it meant not having him here with me and healthy. I still have a long way to go but slowly and surely I am getting comfortable with my new body.

Age: 25
Number of Pregnancies and Births: 1
Age of Children: 20 weeks
Weeks Post-Partum: 20 weeks

24 Year Old Mom of Two Boys (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 7 Comments

Age: 24
Number of births: 2
2 boys, Age 2 & a half & 3 months.

This is my body 3 months after having my SECOND son. Both births I experienced were vaginal & natural. My first son weighed 7lbs 10oz. Second weighed 8lbs 9oz. I gained about 60lbs during both pregnancies.
I weighed about 135 before ever becoming pregnant, NO stretch marks, PERFECT boobs. My body returned ALMOST to normal after having my first. (Breastfed him for 20 months.) I lost all the weight when he was about 6 months- but it took a LOT longer for my belly to look almost normal…… That happened at about 13 months. Since it’s so early to tell after 2nd baby, I’m wondering what YOU all think of this body? Is this extra skin or will it go away once I lose the remaining 15lbs????!

(the first 3 pics are me, normal, the LAST 2 are me when I tighten my stomach) So I’m wondering if it looks like that when I tighten my stomach, will it look like that if I do tons of situps??????

How could my beautiful babies leave me looking like this? (Anber)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Four or More Pregnancies, Postpartum, Submissions 10 Comments

I am 27 years old, and the proud mother of 4 beautiful boys! I was 15, and weighed 120,130 when I got pregnant for the first time, I was 150 after delivery and couldn’t lose it! Two years later I had my second son, up to 180!! Three years later third son, 205. Got pregnant immediately after and nine months later I weighed 230! Its been four and a half years and I still can’t lose the weight! My legs are still thin but my tummy still looks like I’m about 7 or 8 months pregnant!! Now my hubby is talking about going for a little girl! But I’m terrified about how much bigger I might get! If anyone has a secret I don’t know about please tell me!!!!!

My New Perspective (Amy)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 15 Comments

~Age: 28
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: Baby #1: 2 years. Baby #2: 6 months

Here I am. Almost six months after the birth of my second daughter. Complete with stretch marks, sagging skin, extra weight, and everything just…misplaced, for lack of a better word.

I had two babies in less than two years, my second being rather large. To say I got stretch marks is an understatement. I have been drenched in stretch marks! I remember when I was pregnant with my first daughter and the stretch marks starting popping up, and the weight piled on. As ashamed as I almost am to admit this, I was sad and upset. I remember crying as I was trying on maternity clothes, thinking about how my body would never be the same. By the end of the pregnancy my entire abdomen, hips and thighs were covered in stretch marks, despite every effort by me, covering myself in every cream and body lotion I could find. Nothing worked. I was just predisposed to get these things. By the time my second daughter came along the stretch marks had faded. But she, being her strong-willed and determined self, added her own marks. While my first daughter decorated my stomach (now nicknamed her “old apartment” by my husband) with mostly vertical stripes, my second was much more creative. She added horizontal lines, squiggly lines, and extended the vertical ones even higher. She was much larger than my first daughter, so the saggy skin was greatly intensified. I would look in the mirror at my post baby body and cringe. I would think, how on Earth could my husband EVER find this attractive?!! But, oddly enough, he somehow does.

Something happened recently that has entirely changed my outlook on my body, my flaws, and my “ruined” abdomen. This story is very sad, but I wanted to share it because it was been so inspirational to me.

On Christmas Eve, 2010 my twin sister found out that she was pregnant. I remember her calling me just minutes after the two lines appeared on the pregnancy test. She was excited, and scared, and a little in shock, as most newly pregnant women are. Her pregnancy progressed well. Everything was fine and uneventful. I remember the day that she got her first stretch mark. She called to tell me about it, and she was EXCITED! She was actually HAPPY about it! She said that that stretch mark showed that her baby was growing. That was the most important thing to her. She was not upset in the least. She was thrilled that her pregnancy was progressing, and that her baby was getting bigger. She had been having premonitions that something wasn’t quite right, and that her baby wasn’t big enough. Everyone, her doctors included, assured her that everything was fine. To her, that stretch mark was just more reassurance that her baby was, in fact, growing.

Tragically and suddenly, at almost 37 weeks pregnant, my sister lost her baby. The details are incredibly sad, so I won’t share them all. She had to deliver her baby and say goodbye. It was, without a doubt, one of hardest things I can ever imagine someone having to go through. After she had been released from the hospital, and was sent home, she was telling me how her abdomen had shrunk down so much. How strange that felt…that her pregnant belly was gone, and she was left feeling completely empty. She said that she still had just that one stretch mark. I asked her if it made things harder to look at it. She said no. She said that her one stretch mark would always be proof that her baby existed. Those words stuck with me, and will stay with me forever.

Now I look at my stretch marks and saggy, floppy skin quite a bit differently. I was BLESSED with the opportunity to carry my babies full term. I had healthy, full term pregnancies, and I was rewarded with two, big babies. Sadly, so many women aren’t this fortunate, which I’ve now seen firsthand. I’ve realized that the sacrifice of my more youthful and skinnier body has been more than worth it.

My sister’s pregnancy was the only time she was given with her baby. I know that she will remember and truly cherish the memories of every kick, every hiccup, every elbow jab. Now I feel that because I was lucky enough to bring my babies home, feed my babies, cuddle with my babies, and raise my babies, the last thing I should do is complain about my less than perfect mid-section.

When I look in the mirror now, do I think my body is pretty, or attractive? No, definitely not. But this body has been through a lot in the past two and half years. Two births in 23 months, a combined weight gain of over 70 lbs, 18+ months of breastfeeding. It takes its toll, and I am grateful for all of it. I’m PROUD of what my body has done and, most importantly, what it has given me. My pregnancies were, by far, the most exciting times of my life. I often miss the moments of pure excitement and anticipation. I miss rubbing my pregnant belly, and bonding with my baby before she was even born. Both pregnancies were such specials times that I will always look back on with so much fondness.

My little niece, who I was never lucky enough to meet, and my incredibly amazing sister have taught me so much and inspired so many, and I wanted to share this story with you. These stretch marks are here to stay, and that’s fine with me.

Stretch Marks and All (limiwa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Hips, Homebirth, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Submissions, Surgical Scar (Non-Cesarean) 13 Comments

Age: 27
Pregnancies: 3 (miscarried 2nd pregnancy at 10 weeks)
Births: 2
Children: boy 8 years, girl 3 years

I just found this site a few weeks ago, and have found such comfort in the stories and pictures I have read and seen so far. Every woman has a story to tell, each as important and resonant as the last.
This is mine.

My body image issues started around the time I turned 15. It was then that a long buried secret had come to the surface of my life. For a time during my adolescent years, my uncle (by marriage) had molested and sexually assaulted me. Although the abuse had finally stopped, the shameful memory of it remained. During a time when my body was changing rapidly, the truth of the past at last came out. When I looked in the mirror I saw only an object that a man would lust after, it terrified and disgusted me. There was nothing wrong with my body at that time. I was at an ideal weight and had a nice figure, but still I hated it. My butt was too big, my boobs too small…etc, etc. I think in reality what I hated more than the actual appearance of my body was what my body had been through, what it now represented to me. It was like his fingerprints were all over me. I wavered constantly between feeling good about myself and feeling very, very low.

Not long after my “confession” my parents separated and later divorced. With an absentee father and a depressed mother, I found solace in a close male friend who later became my boyfriend. Little wonder that I became pregnant at age 18 by the same boy. I married that boy two weeks after I found out I was pregnant. Despite the ups and downs of those first few years together, it has certainly been a blessing in disguise. We just celebrated out 9th wedding anniversary and our relationship has never been better. He is a wonderful husband and father who is still my very best friend.

During my first pregnancy I was so clueless as to what it took to grow a healthy baby. I ate pretty much whatever I wanted, both good food and not so good food. I did exercise during the 2nd and part of the 3rd trimester, which helped to control my weight gain a little. I slathered on the cocoa butter religiously – to no avail. Before getting pregnant I weighed 125lbs (I’m 5’5”). Just hours before giving birth I weighed in at 168. My pregnancy went smoothly, as did my 16 hour labor and vaginal delivery. (With no drugs! Yikes! Now THAT was painful.) I never looked in the mirror or weighed myself the entire time I was preggo, however, I still felt enormous and I didn’t entirely enjoy being pregnant. It was quite a shock to see this red, floppy tummy at the hospital after giving birth.

When I came home I knew there was no way I would fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes, but I wanted to try it, just to see…I couldn’t even get my jeans past my knees! A week postpartum I weighed 150lbs and felt so terribly fat. After that I made myself stop thinking about it (I’m quite good at putting things out of my mind when I want to), and tried my best to focus on this new precious baby boy in my life. It was always there though, this nagging thought in the back of my mind telling me, “You’re ugly now. You’re all used up. And you hated yourself before! What are you going to do now?” It was (and still is sometimes) this scary, unsettling feeling. The only perk was the boobs! Lol. I finally had the chest I’d always wanted, but unfortunately nothing else remained of the body I used to have. Stretch marks covered my belly, my hips, and the tops of my thighs, angry and red. My butt and thighs had ballooned and I had no waist to speak of.

By the time my son was 6 months old the stretch marks had faded and most of the weight had come off. I decided that a serious exercise program was in order to tone my squishy body back up. Three months into it and I had lost the last 10lbs, bringing me to within 5lbs of my pre-baby weight. Although I was back around my “normal” body size, things didn’t look the same. The texture of my skin is forever damaged, never again to be smooth and seamless. My boobs are like empty, saggy sacks. A scar that runs the length of my stomach from a previous surgery at age 12, was also stretched. The pressure of the extra weigh gave my some spider veins and cellulite. I managed to get my body back though (for the most part), and feel a measure of confidence and acceptance, at least clothed. I could never regret the birth of my children no matter what the damage to my body :)

Nearly 5 years after having my son, I gave birth to my daughter. This time around I was smarter with what and how much I ate, and even exercised up until a few days before giving birth. Instead of the 40+ pounds I put on with my son, I gained a mere 25. Through out the pregnancy I felt glowing and lovely (Me! Imagine!). It was easier this time to appreciate my body for the wonderful thing it was doing rather than loathing it for getting bigger. Knowing my body better this time around, I decided to have the baby at home. It was an amazing experience! The atmosphere was calm, all my family was able to be there and I felt relaxed. After only 6 hours on intense labor and 10 minutes of pushing (thank goodness for all those tummy exercises!), out came my beautiful baby girl.

Surprisingly, my body bounced back even faster the second time. By the time my daughter was 4 months old I was back in my regular jeans. She is now 3 ½ years old and I’m actually 10lbs lighter than before I got pregnant with her. The only thing I can chock it up to is good nutrition, regular exercise and natural whole food supplements, which has helped my body to be in balance.

Still, I struggle at times. I’m sure many women, after looking over my photos, will roll their eyes and cluck to themselves, “Oh, please…”. And for the most part you’d be right. I realize that things could be so much worse (Can’t they always be?) and I should just be grateful for a healthy, functioning body that gave me two amazing kiddos and managed to come out of it okay. Only when I look at my super skinny friends who’ve also had kids (granted only one child each), who hardly have a single stretch mark to speak of, I feel a little robbed, cheated of a nice body at such a young age. Of course, no one else sees it this way, especially my husband who has always thought the world of me. He sees a goddess, and I only wish I could see myself through his eyes. It’s those past feelings that linger, the ones that tell me I’m shameful and worthless, a constant mental roadblock I fight to overcome. I may be able to ignore it for a time, then I’ll get a glimpse of myself in the mirror at the wrong time of the month and the negative feelings come rushing in on me.

Interestingly, I can look the pictures of all you lovely women and think to myself, “Aww, that’s not so bad, she looks great!” But it’s harder to be objective with myself. Having a daughter now, I’m so afraid of passing along these body hang ups to her. I don’t want her to ever criticize her body the way I find myself doing of mine. I want her to feel strong, beautiful and confidant. Although I don’t ever put myself down in front of her or my son, it’s still a near constant mental dialogue.

It has been, and probably will continue to be for some time, a battle to love myself 100%. I have my good days where I can wear something and feel extremely sexy, and other days I would rather be almost anyone else but me. The journey seems never ending, but I am determined to make progress, to take care of myself, to treat my body — stretch marks and all — as a vessel worthy of respect and awe whether or not I actually believe it yet.

Thank you for reading, I know it was long!

**The 1st two pictures are recent ones of me – don’t let the push-up bra fool you! ;)
The others are more close ups of my stretch marks (sorry for the low quality, these were taken with a camera phone)
It’s not really clear in the pictures, but I do have stretch marks all along my hips running down to the tops of my thighs, plus ones below my belly button. Yes, they’ve faded, but they’re fairly deep and thick so the long cracks of them remain. They look far worse in the flesh!

Pride and Struggle with Self Image (Heather)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 8 Comments

Age: 22

Hello. My name is Heather. I am a very proud mommy of 3 beautiful kids. My children are 2 1/2, 17 months and 6 months. I have been pregnant 5 times in the past three years, but have lost 3 angel babies. One pregnancy was twins.

I first got pregnant at 19..on my birthday, can you believe that? Talk about a birthday present! I first gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, then came two magnificently adorable baby girls. People always tell me that I should know the meaning of birth control BUT I was on birth control when I got pregnant. Lol. I am just a very fertile girl! And my husband has 2x’s the sperm count than a normal man. I would NEVER change a thing. These are my blessings, they are my life.

Before getting pregnant I was 150lbs and a size 5/7. After all my pregnancies I was 240 pounds. Since giving birth to my last baby six months ago I have lost 100+ pounds and now weight 130 pounds and am a size 7/9. My hips have not shrunk back and I doubt they ever will. I can’t get over how saggy and wrinkly my stomach is. When I look at it and touch and pull it feels like the skin of my grandmother. Sometimes I cry because I hate my body so much, and then there are times I carry myself with pride because of what my body has done-given me beautiful children.

With my last child I have Pre-Eclampsia that got me induced at 38 weeks. During labor it progressed to Eclampsia, and my reflexes were a +5…I nearly knocked the doctor out when he did the test on my knees. I got my epidural and then I got put on magensium to help control the Eclampsia. From there my BP went from 170/150 to 50/30…I almost died. I could literally feel the life draining from my body. I had 2 doctors and 3 midwives in my room for hours. Right when my BP dropped no doctors were in my room, and I could hear nurses yelling at the doctors, “Can’t you hear that?!?! Shouldn’t someone be in there?!?”
Not long after I gave birth to my daughter…3 pushes and she was in my arms! :) I did it! We both came out fine. :)

I still relive that birth experience, I see it as a joy instead of a near tragedy! I am one blessed momma!

Sorry for the tangent, I’ve just never told my story before. I am a young, newly single mother of 3 children and I am overall happy. Except for the bouts of severe depression over my body.

Number of pregnancies: 5
Number of births: 3
Ages: 2 1/2, 17m, 6m….I am 6 months postpartum