Before Pregnancy

The Guilt of Hating a Body That Birthed an Angel (Amanda)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo, Update 14 Comments

It has only been three and a half weeks since I gave birth to my beautiful daughter. I should be applauding myself and my body for being able to create such a perfect angel, and yet I am not. Instead I find myself hating the mirror because the mirror shows what I look like now. Huge and covered in stretch marks. Three years ago I weighed 100lbs and even back then the voice in my head said I was fat. Now I find myself three weeks post pregnancy sitting at 160lbs; can you imagine what that voice is saying now?

It is hard being a mother. A lot harder than I imagined. I have bigger things to worry about other than how huge my belly and ass are, but yet those thoughts take hold every time I look down or look in the mirror. I try to tell myself “it took nine months to get this way, give yourself eighteen months to get back from here” but it doesn’t work. I feel like I have lost all my hotness and all of my youth. I dread the idea of having anyone see me naked ever again. I hope this feeling doesn’t last.

I am told by fellow moms that “this too shall pass”, that this body will not sag forever. The stretch marks will fade and one day my skin will regain its elasticity. I hope this is not a lie. I hope these friends are being honest because, right now, I can’t imagine loving this new body. I always thought I would be the kind of woman who ‘bounced back” from pregnancy. Some silly idea planted in my head by TV and the movies. How come those women never stay fat? Where is their extra weight? Why can’t we all live in that fantasy land?

Reality isn’t as pleasant.

I feel like admitting this makes me sound ungrateful and like a “bad mother”. I really love my daughter and feel blessed that I had the ability to create her. I just hate that I had to give up something so important to me in order to do it. I guess that makes me selfish. I guess I am not “seeing the big picture”. This is reality. I can love my daughter but I do not have to love what happened to my body to make her. So why the guilt? Why do I feel guilty every time I think of how horrible I look?
And why do I think this is a horrible way to look?

I wish I could be one of those moms who adore her stretch marks and sagging belly. The ones who claim “it is their badge”… of what? Honour? Strength? The ability to make a baby is great but I don’t need my body to remind me that I did it, that is what my child is for.

Time heals all wounds. I hope time also heals all post pregnancy bodies.

I am 28 and this is my first and hopefully last pregnancy.

The photos are my belly before pregnancy, during pregnancy, and three weeks post pregnancy.

Updated here.

Will it ever get better? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 13 Comments

My biggest body-related fear once I became pregnant was stretch marks. I oiled and lotioned my belly as often as I could. I was hopeful that I’d escape stretch marks altogether because my mother never got one throughout her six pregnancies. And I almost made it. Around 37 weeks they started to appear. A few purplish-red marks below my belly button. I slathered on the vitamin e oil, as if it wasn’t too late. My husband came home that day and I told him “I think I’m getting stretch marks” and burst into tears. Why did I care so much?

Then it got worse. The marks spread upward and outward until my belly was covered. And I got smaller ones on the sides of my stomach/waist as well. I felt helpless. There was nothing I could do to stop them, and my belly was still growing. I started Googling tips and tricks until I couldn’t stand to look at the computer screen for another second.

Up until that point I had loved my pregnant belly. It was nice and round and beautiful. Now I wouldn’t even let my husband see it, let alone look at it myself.

My beautiful baby boy was born a few weeks later and I couldn’t bear to look at my stomach in the mirror in the days that followed. When I finally did get a glimpse, the stretch marks had become all loose and saggy, and seemed to cover even more of me now that my stomach had shrunken down.

It makes me so mad. Mad that there was nothing I could do to stop it. Mad that so many women seem to get through pregnancy without getting any. Most of all, mad that I cared so much about what I looked like. After all, I had a beautiful, healthy baby – something I had always, always wanted – so what should I have to complain about?

Don’t get me wrong. He is absolutely worth it. I don’t even really associate my baby with my new body. He is this perfect, wonderful gift that has made my life better in every way. I just feel like my body has somehow failed me.

Almost 3 months later, and it’s not any better. My stomach is still covered in dark stretch marks. And it doesn’t stop there. My breasts – which I used to love – are now big and saggy, and my stomach is loose and jiggly. Despite the fact that by my 6-week post-partum checkup I was back to my pre-pregnacy weight, my body is nowhere near what it used to be. My clothes all look weird and unflattering. I had thought that losing the weight would be the hard part. No, the hard part is realizing that my body, regardless of how much weight I lose, will never, ever be the same. And I just don’t know if I’ll ever be happy with it again. I can’t even fathom ever putting on the bikini I wore on my honeymoon just over a year ago.

My husband still tells me that I’m beautiful and sexy, and I love him for it, but I simply can’t believe him. I don’t think he’s even seen me naked since I gave birth – if he has, it was by accident. It’s hard to want to be intimate with him when I’m so unhappy with how I look. Not just unhappy, but actually embarrassed. I’m embarrassed about my body.

I guess what really bothers me is that I feel like I can’t do anything to fix it. I’m 26 and I feel like my body is ruined forever. And what about my next pregnancy – will it get even worse? That scares me too.

Until then I continue to do sit-ups, watch what I eat, and buy all those expensive stretch mark creams. Still waiting for it to somehow get better…

Photos:
#1 – pre-pregnancy
#2 – 40 weeks pregnant
#3&4 – just under 3 months post-partum

~Age: 26
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 3 months

Struggling With My New Body (Alexandra)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 11 Comments

age: 19
2 pregnancies 1 birth
4 weeks postpartum

pre-pregnancy 142 lbs
delivery aprox 200 lbs
current 170 lbs

In October of ’09 my then boyfriend and I found out we were expecting. He proposed, and we planned the wedding for 2 weeks later. On Halloween I was at work and started spotting. I panicked and went home. The bleeding never stopped, and the next day it became very heavy. Six days before our wedding at 7 weeks pregnant, I lost the baby. We went ahead with the wedding and it was wonderful. After the miscarriage I begged my husband to try again to get pregnant. I was obsessed with getting pregnant and could think of nothing else. As the next few months went by we found out he would be deploying in August and in late February I decided now was not the time to get pregnant. Well low and behold I was already pregnant. My pregnancy was flawless, we even found out my husband was going to deploy in August but December/January. We had no worries, no problems, no nothing. During the next 9months I put on 58lbs. I’m still not sure how I gained that much weight. I struggled with the stretchmarks, and my poor husband did everything he could to help me feel better. Two weeks prior to my due date my water broke. The labor did not go as planned but despite the complications my son is now a healthy happy little boy. After we left the hospital I kept telling myself the weight would just fall off, that’s what everyone had told me. And for the first 2 weeks it did. I went down to 184 in 5 days and then to 172 the next week, but it seems as though i have hit a wall. For two weeks my weight has stayed the same. I see my friends who gave birth within a week or two of me back in their pre-pregnancy jeans and it hurts. In the beginning I said I wanted to be back at my high school weight of 135 by the time my husband gets home from Afghanistan in July. It seems to far away and almost unachievable. After my son was born I stopped caring about my stretchmarks, which is nice. I realize there is nothing I can do with them but give them time. I just wish I could accept this new body. I look in the mirror and I don’t really mind what i see all that much. I don’t hide my body from my husband but the thought of staying this weight upsets me. I know its only been 4 weeks and maybe I had unrealistic expectations after the first 30lbs came off so easily.. I just hope i can accept my new body and be ok with possibly never being a size 3 again.

photos me at 17
Holding my son with my husband for the 1st time
36 weeks pregnant
4weeks postpartum

I have all the battle scars of carrying a child for 9 months, yet I am a childless mother. (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 21 Comments

Age: 22
7 1/2 months postpartum
1 pregnancy

I found out i was pregnant on Aug. 5th 2009. I was 20 years old and my husband and I couldnt be anymore excited. Most of my life i had mange to stay skinny even though it was very much a struggle for me. Im 5′ 1″ and my average weight was always around 115 my lowest being around 102. After getting married i did get a little lazy and put on a lot of weight going up to 180. I began to work out and got down to 150 when i found out that I was pregnant. It was much a surprise since my husband and I hadnt used protection for about 2 years and were getting worried about not being able to conceive. On October 20th we found out that we were having a baby girl. At first i didnt gain too much weight or get very many stretchmarks but then at about 33 weeks I blew up and was coverd in strechies.
Friends and Family couldnt stop talking about how much weight i had gained. They would go on and on about how big of a baby I was going to have and how there was no way I would lose the weight after. I was even told by someone that I was just going to be fat and ugly afterwards and I should just get over ever being skinny and pretty. By the time I hit 38weeks I had gained a total of about 88lbs. My mom supported me through it all though and kept me confident that even though I did gain too much weight, that she knew how I’ve always been able to stay thin and that I would lose weight this time too.
As my due date approached I became overwhelmingly excited. I was so ready to have this little girl home with me. On Saturday March 27th 2010 My doctor sent me to the hospital to get monitored because my blood presure was a little high and I had been really swollen for quit sometime. He tried everything to find a good enough reason to induce me but he couldnt find one, so I was sent home. My doctor told me though that he would induce me for sure on wednesday. To my suprise on March 29th I went into labor on my own. I was exactly 38 weeks. I went to the hospital and was in lots of pain but so ready to do this and have my Daughter in my arms already, but something was wrong. They couldnt find my Daughters heartbeat.
Within an hour it was confirmed that my daughter had passed away. Her unbilical cord was wrapped around her neck. I felt as if my heart was litteraly ripped out of my chest. I have never nor will I ever feel so much pain. After 15 hrs of Labor I gave birth to my Beautiful Sleeping BabyGirl. She weight 5lbs 3oz. and was 17in. long. Yes, She was so tiny. She had tons of amazing black hair, long eye lashes and the most perfect little lips. She looked just like her daddy. Her funeral was on April 1st.
It was going to be hard enough having to lose so much weight but now I was so depressed I didnt want to get out of bed or even began to think about working out. I hated going anywhere. I always think that people look at me and think she is just fat because I have no child to explain that I was pregnant for 9 months and I did give birth to a baby. but eventually I began to work out again.
I’ve had major issues with my body my whole life. When I was 15 it was to the point that I would go days without eating. Now I couldnt even stand to look at myself. I had stretch marks on the back of my knees, my thighs, my stomach, my back, butt, hips, boobs, arms, just everywhere. I couldnt even attempt to where jeans. Nothing fit me right. I could only where stretch pants or sweats.
I have been working my butt off in the last 5 months. I started to see a difference and was happy. I knew my husband was a little put off by how heavy I am but I didnt think he had a major issue with it since he knew I was trying really hard to get it off. Untill recently when I found out he was cheating on me with a itty bitty skinny girl and then had the nerve to compare me to a barley 20 year old girl who has never had a child by saying “well when I seen her naked, I thought, My wife use to look this good but not anymore” If my self esteem wasnt already shattered it is now. Anyways I am currently seperated and proud to say that I have lost 65lbs so far. I weight 175lbs. and I’m not stoppin anytime soon. I excersie everyday and eat healthy. I still feel very disgusted with my body and dont think I will ever be able to be naked infront of a man again but atleast I can wear jeans now and little things like that im greatful for.

First photo: Pre pregnancy 2ndphoto: 7 weeks 3rdphoto: 38weeks 4thphoto: 2day PP 5thphoto: a little over 7mths PP

Updated here.

5 Weeks PP, Almost There (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 8 Comments

I’m a 24 yr old women who just had a beautiful baby boy on october 1st of this year via emergency c section due to fetal distress. My c section was very painful I never been in so much pain and I was a little sad I didn’t deliever vaginal. I’m five weeks pp and I must say my body is changing back very nicely. This is my first baby and first pregnancy so when I found out I was shocked but very happy! Here’s my story. In 2008 (april) I was 168 pounds standing about 5’7 I hated my body I hated my boobs which was a size 36DD my belly my face and cheeks my weight always ended up never in the places I wanted it to be. I was just tired of being thick so I set out on a journey to lose about 20 pounds and I ended up losing 60. I went from a 36 DD to a 32 B, a size 32 to a size 24 which is a zero. I hit my 60 pound goal in (june) of that year. I change the way I ate and live no fastfoods sodas or juices just healthy natural wholefoods (fruits and veggies) only chicken and fish. I started cooking and walking more and the weight just fell off I got down to 108 and was underweight and a little to thin so I started working out and put on weight really healthy as well as muscle. I had amazing abs/ small waist small arms nice long legs I just loved going shopping and putting on clothes I took my body for granted and didn’t apprecaite at all. The saying you don’t miss something until its gone. So when I got pregnant I was very sacred of getting big and getting a ton of strecth marks on my tummy (how vain) yes I know. Funny I didn’t get a single one on my tummy (mama mio) tummy rub which I believe worked cuz I had some strecth marks on my butt from puberty which I just knew was going to come on my tummy. I started googling post baby tummy and found this website and that gave me hope but also freaked me the hell out I must say ( the real life stories) but I continue to gained weight (healthy) and blossom as my baby and tummy started growing I cared but didn’t it was nothing I could physical do that could stop me from gaining weight or getting strecth marks I continue to walk a lot and enjoyed foods (cake) I love the way I looked in pregnancy.my belly was round, my breast were nice and ripe, my skin was amazing, my hair and nails grew I got complients from both sexes it was a great experience. I just thought like many women ur body would just snapped back (123 after birth)but it takes time. My mother told me her stomach went flat days after and she left the hospital looking like she never push out a baby. You can imagaine I started thinking that would happen to me boyyy was I wrong I gained about 25 pounds I went from 130 to 155 I left the hospital at 152 five days later still looking about five months preggers I was a little shocked at how my body looked I had huge breasts ( went from a 32B to a whopping 32F) they hurt like hell they were so swollen and very painful I couldn’t move cause I was in so much pain I was severly stopped up annother side of a c section when I did have a bowel movement it was so painful. I looked in the mirror and this is what I saw: a dark line running down my tummy thick thighs a soft very soft tummy that jiggle when I walked or move a fatter face and bigger arms. I said to myself how could this be? I gained the right amount of weight I already had a nice figure b4 baby why isn’t it looking back to how I use to? The answer is I just had a baby that’s how and it took time for me to gained the weight and it will take me time to lose it. I kept telling myself that but I just didn’t like my body I was only a couple of weeks pp (silly) I know but hey how you feel about yourself effects your life in every way and I worked so hard so I just didn’t want to let go of what I looked like just a few short months ago. I was just shocked my pre preggers jeans didn’t fit I had a tummy and leaking breasts ( I pump) no one told me this (its like the secret) to motherhood. No one told me that the weight takes time to come off so when I went for my two week post scar check up I weighed 142 pounds and looked very much like I did. My scar was healing I should have been happy but I wasn’t. I was a little upset (hormones) I started working out 2 weeks pp just walking and doing light excersises to help my abs regain strength which helped my skin attach back to the muscle. My body is amazing it helped grow my baby, this amazing little boyy who is so perfect (to me) my body may not be model thin or bikini ready but it will be. I haven’t been on the scale since but my six week pp appointment is coming up I’m happy cause I know I lost more weight I can see and feel the difference as soon as I’m in the clear I would love to start running a couple days out the week, I know my body will come back I try to have a postive out look I eat healthy and in small porportions I listen to my body when I need rest I rest (try 2) and most of all I’m enjoying my lil man I could hold him forever. Its not easy it takes time and work I’m like many people I like things to happen over night which is just not real. I now really apprecaite my body and all that it did/does for me, motherhood is such an amazing experience I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I kind of wish I would have truly enjoyed the weight gained and not got upset when the number on the scale went up (that’s one thing I would have changed) I wished I would have embraced it more. I know next time what to expect (I want more kids) and I’m going to enjoy it and welcome the weight gain as a sign that I’m something short of amazing. I included some pics the first three pics are me pre pregnancy, the second one is me preggers and the third two pics is me two weeks pp and the last three pics is me a five weeks pp!

Updated here.

One Day at a Time (Lu Ella)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 9 Comments

The hardest part of dealing with my postpartum body? For me is the bipolar-ness of it all. I gained 52 pounds while pregnant with my daughter, and about half the time I am comparing the body I have now to the one I most recently inhabited: one that was 9 months pregnant. During this half of the time I feel fantastic! Thin, and beautiful, and sexy, and limber, etc. etc. The other 50% of the time I am comparing the body I have now to the one I had most of my life: a professional modern dancer who was always fit, shapely, and pretty damn skinny. This half of the time I feel fat, and flabby, and stretch marked, and out of shape, and stiff, and old, and about as un-sexy as you can get. I yo-yo back and forth between these states of mind multiple times each day. I’m only 3 months pp now, and trying my best to take life, and my new body, one day at time. Mostly, I try to concentrate on my beautiful baby…

~Your Age: 25
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancy, 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 3 months

First photo: right after my positive pregnancy test
Second Photo: 39 weeks pregnant
Third photo: my beautiful daughter (3 days old)
Fourth photo: 3 months postpartum.
Fifth photo: 3 months postpartum.

Looking at My Future With Fear (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 12 Comments

My age: 31
Number of pregnancies: 2
Age of my child: 18 months
31 weeks with second pregnancy

I had made it to the ripe age of 28 without giving the though of having children the time of day. Then my husband broached the subject after his younger brother celebrated the arrival of his second child. I won’t lie, I was cautious about the idea, my body being my main concern. After years of dealing with depression and various eating disorders I was finally at a place where things seemed okay. I had found a sport I loved, long distance trail running, and I had maintained a healthy weight for three years, something I had never dreamed of. Of course I had the idea that I, unlike many women, would be able to control every aspect of my pregnancy and come out of everything much the same as I went in. This proved to be my greatest folly. I had a bit of a struggle getting pregnant, which became my ultimate goal for months, if not my obsession. Being a perfectionist I constantly fight with having control over everything, and doing everything to the ninth degree.

When my doctor started making plans for my husband and I to see a fertility specialist I found out I was pregnant. My joy was short lived when I was placed on bed rest 5 days later with spotting and cramps. I was told that my body was threatening to miscarry and the best I could do was to keep my feet up and wait. Wait, me? The first thought in my head was, when can I get back to the gym. Of course I was horribly concerned about the baby, but old habits die hard and my weight was also at the forefront of my concerns. I made it to nine weeks and was sent back to work after a second ultrasound confirmed that all was well. Then at 18 weeks I was pulled off work again and put on modified bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. Talk about losing control. My emotions were up and down due to the pregnancy, my own depression and the fear I had for my child. I managed to eat pretty healthy for the majority of the pregnancy and gained 40 lbs which I was not overly happy with, but I carried quite well. In the end my son arrived 2 days past my due date, apparently he came to the conclusion that it was rather comfy in Mommy’s tummy. I had a difficult labour which lasted 30 hours and ended in an emergency c section due to my son’s position. I was not upset about not having a natural labor ( at the time ) and was happy to have three days in the hospital with the nurses to show me the ropes. I healed really well and enjoyed nursing my son for 13 months. During my 12 months post partum I was not surprised to find out that I had PPD, but what I was surprised about was how difficult it is to be a Mother. My husband is a sub contractor and thus he has to put in long hours when the work is there, mostly to compensate for the slow season in his trade. Fortunately the recession has not affected him too much, unfortunately this means my husband is rarely home. Time to myself and help with my son has become a luxury. None of my friends have or want children and I have had to limit my interactions with my Mom due to some lines that have been crossed on her part. Daycare has been annexed by our paediatrician because of the number of times my son came home sick and the severity with which the illnesses would affect him. It was during one of his colds 7 months ago that I became sick as well and found out I was pregnant. I must have conceived within days of his first birthday which seemed like a miracle after my attempts to get pregnant the first time. I wound up taking 4 pregnancy tests at home and then seeing my GP for a test before I went in to see my obstetrician. When I found out I was pregnant I had only just grown comfortable with my son’s routine and had found time to workout and take care of myself. I was upset that I still had 10 lbs to lose and a lot of toning to do but I thought I would be able to maintain what ground I had gained. Then the morning sickness hit, I had never dealt with this in my first pregnancy and most definitely not to the degree where I had to be placed on medication. I was one of those women who found that eating helped calm the sickness, and that’s when the scary weight gain started. At this time I also seemed to become ill every time my son came home with something, which was approximately every two weeks. I am now 8 months pregnant and have gained 40 lbs in addition to the 10 extra pounds I started with. I fear seeing my doctor and stepping on the scale, which humiliates and saddens me. I should love going in for my appointments, as I did with my first son, there is nothing like hearing your child’s heart beat. I am overextended, exhausted and have little patience for my 18 month old, who is a bundle of little boy energy. I hate myself and the future I see for myself. I feel as though I can barely manage with one child and dealing with two seems impossible. It has taken forever to get my son to sleep nine hours a day, I don’t know when I am going to rest with two kids under the age of two, let alone when I am going to be able to put some focus back on myself. It seems as though I have a target on my back when it comes to other people’s opinions. I hate being judged within a glance or based on someone else’s preconceived notions. My doctors blasé comments about my weight gain and the lack of support I am receiving from my family and friends seems to be making matters worse. If people knew about the dramatic changes that have happened within my family life the last two years I don’t think they would be so quick to believe that they could do better. I am truly at the end of my rope. Sometimes I hate being a Mom and resent my family. I worry about failing as a parent, most especially in the ways that my parents failed me. I feel so detached from the baby I am carry now, because everything I have is being spent on my son.

Who am I? What have I become?

first picture: 7 months before my first pregnancy
second picture: 4 days after I found out I was pregnant, 5 weeks pregnant, I had to put on weight to help get pregnant
I have no post partum picture as I refused to be photographed
last 4 pictures: me as of today 31 weeks pregnant with second child

Updated here.

I Wish I Would Have Known (Khanna)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Twins 23 Comments

~Your Age: 23
~Number of pregnancies and births:1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 7 months

~Pre-pregancy weight- 113 pds
~Weight gained during pregnancy- 35 pds
~Post- pregnancy weight- 106 pds

I had my twin boys at 38 weeks they were 6 lb 7 oz and 6 lb 2 oz, 12 pounds of baby!!. I am 5’7 and gained 35 lbs with the pregnancy totaling to 149 and because I had been so thin my entire life couldn’t stand the weight I gained even though it was all just in my belly.

After I gave birth to my twin boys I suffered through postpartum depression and just four months before I gave birth I found out that my boyfriend at the time of 3 years that I was hoping to marry had another relationship with another woman for the entire duration of our relationship. So now I’m a single mother, I’m alone and I didn’t realize to the extent that my body would change. I wish someone in my entire life would’ve told me that this is what you will look like once you have a child. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE my boys but I wish I would’ve been mentally prepared.

My friends and family think I’m crazy because I lost all of the pre-pregnancy weight and they say of course you don’t even look like I had a baby or when they do see me with a bathing suit on: Well you look good for having twins.. I want to look good because I look good not because I had a baby. I feel people don’t understand that losing weight is entirely different from the integrity of your skin (the wrinkles and stretch marks). Some days I feel really positive and say that it’ll change and it’ll get better. On other days like now..lol, I feel like who would want me now, I’m damaged goods mentally and physically from a previous relationship and can’t help but think when guys compliment me on my fully clothed body that I’m deceiving them because I have wrinkles in my tummy. I feel totally closed off to any sort of relationship because of how I look.

I never really cared about the stretch marks and just wanted my old tummy back with my old belly button which is an outie now and was an innie-outie before. The stretch marks are gradually fading away remarkably. I have put myself on a workout plan and have given myself until the twins are two to fully recover. Hopefully my esteem will come back and I’ll just focus on being strong for my boys, and raising them. Men have no idea what we women go through I wonder what they’d looked like after having a baby…lol

My body has been destroyed, and I’ll have nothing to show for it. (Michelle)

Bonnie (SOAM) Adoption, Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Legs, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom

Age – 18
Number of pregnancies – 1

I’ve been on this site countless times, reading other women’s stories because I am trying to cope with how much my body is changing, and have been debating for months now on whether to post my story or not. Well, it’s a bit long, but here goes!

I was 17 and a senior in high school when I found out I was pregnant, and had only been sexually active for less than two months. THAT’S IT. I’ve always been the good girl in my class and people have disliked me for it, because for some reason to them it was disgraceful that I didn’t do drugs, drink, party, or have sex. I’d never even had a boyfriend before the man who got me pregnant. My boyfriend and I were very much in love, and knew we would be together for a long time because we had endured a long-distance relationship for the longest time, but nevertheless, I am having the most difficult time dealing with him during this pregnancy.

I am currently almost 38 weeks pregnant with a baby boy that we are giving up for adoption to a wonderful couple that has tried to have a child for over ten years. This wasn’t my original plan, however. A week after my mom found out I was pregnant she drove me two hours away to have an abortion. I knew that there was no possible way I could parent this child or deal with the emotional aftermath of giving them up for adoption, so for me abortion was the best decision. At the clinic, however, they told me I was 15 weeks along and to have an abortion would be a two-day procedure. Obviously, we’d have to set up another appointment and come back later, much to my mother’s disappointment. She was pretty enraged by the whole situation.

After coming back home and talking it over with my boyfriend, he told me that he wanted to go through with an adoption. “Great!” I thought. Because I would be staying pregnant, all of my plans for the next year would be put on hold. A selfish thought, I know. I also thought that my belly would grow, I’d give birth, and then the whole ordeal would be over with.

I was very wrong.

Even though I haven’t eaten nearly enough to gain so much weight, it’s in my genetics to gain incredible amounts of weight during pregnancy. Pre-pregnancy I was a tiny, cute girl weighing 125 and standing at 5’ 7”, now I weigh 217 and I haven’t even given birth yet. My in-between 34 B- C boobs have gone to a 40 DD, I have acne all over my face, my back, and my chest when I didn’t have acne at all before, I have a disgusting amount of new moles and freckles EVERYWHERE, and I have deep, purple stretch marks all over my boobs, stomach, sides, butt, the tops and backs of my thighs as well as on my inner thighs, and behind my knees and on my calves. I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I’m constantly in pain. Some days I can’t even get out of bed because I will be sobbing from the pain my body is in. My feet and face swell constantly to where they don’t look human anymore.

And on top of the physical changes I have to deal with, I have to deal with this emotional roller coaster of giving my baby up for adoption. Just after typing that sentence I began to cry! I find myself crying constantly now, and I don’t have support from ANYONE. I haven’t left my house (except to dr appts) in over five months because I am so ashamed of myself; my body and my decision. I spend every day in my room with only the company of my kitten, Sophie. In a day I talk to her more than I will talk to another human being in two weeks. I still live at home, and my family constantly makes remarks about my weight or the stretch marks or the acne, it’s just always something. They make fun of me. They criticize me for my choice. They talk about me when they don’t think I can hear them. And to top it all off, my boyfriend is, to put blatantly, being a butt. He is so rude to me, and even went as far as to say that he wished this wasn’t happening. HELLO! You’re the one that decided this! He tells me that my stretch marks “better be gone within a few months” and that he doesn’t even want to be in the delivery room with me when I’m in labor. I feel like I am dealing with this pregnancy all by myself, and to tell the truth, I am. No one ever offers to help me do anything. I almost 10 months pregnant and I’m still cleaning an entire house in which six people and three cats live in by myself.

I feel the kicks and movements of my baby all by myself, because there is no one to share this joy with. I wanted an abortion because I didn’t want me and my baby to deal with this lifelong choice and the effects it will have on us. I already am extremely depressed, and I know that postpartum it will only be multiplied. I still haven’t decided if I want to meet my baby after he is born, because frankly I don’t know if I can handle it.

I just turned 18; my body has been destroyed and after the grueling hours of labor I won’t even be holding the beautiful baby boy I created and nurtured for nine months. So it almost feels like I’ve done all of this for nothing.

I would have posted a picture of my entire body, but I don’t have anyone willing to take one for me so these will have to do.

Pic #1 is pre-pregnancy. (Excuse the dazed look, I was listening to someone jabbering)
Pic #2 is of my swollen feet
Pic #3 is of the stretch marks on my left inner-thigh
Pic #4 is of my side view

Updated here.

I Love My Boys, I HATE My Body! (Christina)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Plus-Sized Mom, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Teen Mom 21 Comments

Age: 20
# of pregnancies/births/cesareans: 2
Age of children: 2 1/2(born:2008) and 13months(born:2009)
Postpartum: 13months as of 10/10

I got pregnant for the first time at 17, before then i had always worried about my weight and at 5’6″ 147lbs i wasn’t over weight. Now i am 286lbs and i cant stop thinking about it. Not only do i feel bad and unattractive, but i know it is bad for my health.

during my first pregnancy i didn’t really care about my weight gain, i guess i always thought it would be easy to lose later. but after i had my first son i felt (and looked like) and empty vessel. i had gained at least 40lbs during my pregnancy, though I’m not sure how sense i was vomiting the whole pregnancy. i was all stretch marked and i hadn’t really lost any weight after giving birth, which BTW i had a csection. and then i actually gained weight after the birth. so after my csection i had that as an excuse not to exercise, that and ya know being too tired and any other excuse i could think of. then me and my then boyfriend/baby daddy got married. then we decided to have another baby. and at 18 i got pregnant right away(9months after my first). and i had actually been put on pills to get my period back, which I’m sure i didn’t get cause of the weight gain. but after my first period on the pills is when we got pregnant. then yet again i really didn’t worry about how much weight i gained. i monitored it a little more but i still ate what i wanted, when i was not barfing cause yet again i had morning sickness the whole pregnancy. and at the end of my second pregnancy i had gained I’m sure at least 30lbs. and after the birth of my second son i still didn’t lose the weight. and yet again gained more after the baby was born and used the excuse again that i had a c section.

now that I’m pushing 300lbs, I’ve gone from a 38C cup to a 44 DD cup, I’m stretched marked to hell, and have horrible back, knee, and hip pain, it really is alot harder to exercise. i tire a lot easier and the pain gets almost unbearable. on top of all that, I’m really scared of exercising alone. I’ve set up dates to walk with friends and they some how always end up blowing me off. and i know that i need to just get over it and go do it. and even if i do lose the weight i do not think that i will ever be satisfied with my body again(not that i was really before). all i keep thinking is “I’m 20, my body shouldn’t look like this.” i don’t like looking in the mirror or shopping for clothes cause its just depressing, when you used to be able to pick up a size 11 or 12 and it would fit now you’re in a 20 something. my husband hates when i say things like this, about being fat and such. he doesn’t understand cause he has the high metabolism, and so hes skinny. and i know its horrible but I’m so jealous of him. he says I’m beautiful, and i just really wish that i could see it that way. I’ve read about a bunch of women who are embracing their post baby bod, and i just wish that i was that strong. and the crazy thing is while pregnant i feel so much more beautiful, but as soon as the baby is born i don’t.

I love my boys so much, they are everything to me. the only thing i would change is i would exercise and watch what i ate while i was pregnant and after.

yet again we are talking about another baby. i really do want a big family, but i know that i need to be in good health to have a healthy baby. so i want to at least get close to my pre-pregnancy size. i just wish that i knew now how to do that.

Thanks to all of you brave women for posting your stories. :)

1. before pregnancy
2. pregnant with #1
3. PP after 1
4. pregnant with #2
5. PP after 2
6. c section scar after 2
7. 13 months PP after 2
8. 13 months PP after 2
9. my 1 year old
10. my 2 1/2 year old