Will I ever find peace with myself? (Megan O)

1 pregnancy
1 daughter 14 months old

I have always had weight acceptance issues or what have you, but I have always been a very active person and was fit as an adolescent. I grew up in a family where being overweight was normal but for some reason I had issues accepting even the slightest weight gain. When I met my husband I was in the best shape of my life but I could not accept it, I constantly hid my body, did not take a compliment without protesting and you would NEVER catch me in a pair of shorts. I find all of this completely absurd now that I am post partum and the biggest I have ever been in my life. I went into my pregnancy at 5’9″ 179 lbs , ran every day and played basketball for an hours almost every day. I had just ended a long term relationship and took shelter in the comfort of my best friend ( now my husband ; couldn’t be happier). I ended up with a surprise pregnancy which took my family and his parents for a spin and needless to say gave me a good bout of depression. This caused me to take comfort in eating and all exercise and activity ceased. I gained so much weight my doctor told me to “take it easy hunny we still have 12 weeks to go” That moment didn’t help my self esteem and I promised to ease up and start walking but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I went into the hospital at 244 lbs and had a beautiful healthy baby girl without complication. I couldnt find anything to wear since all my clothes were size 12 jeans and medium shirts, I went to the store and couldn’t fit into size 22 jeans without fat hanging over and this was not something I was comfortable with so I resorted to tight maternity clothes and sweat pants and my fathers old shirts. By October I decided I was going to start to work out and started to drink weight loss shakes. By January I had lost 30 lbs and was down to 215 lbs. I started a Biggest Loser competition at work and convinced everyone it was a quick way for them to win money when really I wanted a support group when it came to eating and exercise and it worked. At the end of the competition I was down to 198 but I was still not happy. I kept looking at the scale and seeing 20 lbs to go rather than being proud of the close to 50 lbs that I had lost. Today I am still at 192lbs and have hit a plateau but I can run 4 miles in 40 minutes and can do 1 hour of power yoga daily. But this is still not good enough for me I will run and critisize my times or say I should have done another hour, I will do Yoga and obsess over doing another hour or working out again that day. I just want to be happy with me, my husband loves me and my curves, my daughter loves me unconditionally no matter who I am and I should do the same. I have my good days and sometimes weeks where I look at myself and see a beautiful woman but some days all I see is ” Bigger than before”

I took the first step to happiness and threw away my scale, I will not let a number dictate my day. I have also promised to tell myself two positive things about myself every time I think negatively of myself. I also remind myself that if a friend said all the bad things about herself in front of my I would tell her no and wouldnt let her do that to herself so why do I allow myself to this to me. Enough is Enough, just like last October when I decided I would work out today I decide that I will workout my mind and spirit. This is more important than my size, this is important for my family and my daughters well being. This matters more than the size of my jeans.

3 thoughts on “Will I ever find peace with myself? (Megan O)

  • Wednesday, September 5, 2012 at 7:45 am

    Thank you for sharing! Your story is similar to mine in many ways. I think you have done an amazing job with your pregnancy weight loss. It sounds like you have great determination in being active but what you are missing is confidence in yourself – which i truly believe is the biggest factor in weight loss. Love yourself for who you are and the miracle you have created. I myself struggle with this but I have found that the happier I am, the better I feel! Good idea with the scale – what is the purpose in relying on those numbers every day to determine your happiness? Keep up the great work of eating healthy and being happy and *try* to focus less on weight loss. Instead of hitting the gym some days, take walks or turn on music and dance with your little girl! Trick yourself into thinking that it’s not a workout. You are alive and beautiful!

  • Wednesday, September 5, 2012 at 5:10 pm

    Wow, great job and inspiring story! I so understand how you feel about your workouts. I can be the same way (too much just isn’t enough). I’ll put in a long run and really work my butt off but think to myself, “well, that sure was slow”. I’ll do an hour of weight lifting but feel lazy cause I didn’t add any cardio that day. But we know these are silly thoughts and hopefully we’ll learn to let them go. I’m glad you threw your scale away, you’ve inspired me to do the same. Since it’s hard for you to give yourself the pat on the back you deserve, I’ll do it for you- you look awesome and are such an inspiration! You daughter also looks like a real sweety. Anyway, thanks again for sharing and keep up the awesome effort!

  • Tuesday, September 18, 2012 at 2:59 am

    you are beautiful and so is your little princess, and good on yah for throwing away that scale!!! i just wanted to tell you that i have many friends that trained very hard to lose weight and never actually got to their desired weight (actually far from it) until 2 years post partum(including myself), some of our bodys just hold on to it ( reason unknown ) just continue what youve been doing ( mental training as well as physical) and you will find yourself in a great position in a few months from now !!!

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