(Un)expected Miracle (Proudmama)

Previous entries here and here.

Age: 31
Number of pregnancy and birth: 1
Age of child/months postpartum: 20 months

I’ve been meaning to post an update for a while.

I realized the other day that the reason I hadn’t was because I was waiting for a miracle. I kept waiting for that day where I would wake up without that extra skin and that belly button drowning in wrinkles. Without the abdominal muscle separation that keeps me away from wearing certain type of clothes. So that I could post: “See, if you wait x amount of months, your body goes back to pre-pregnancy shape!” Not quite. Not for me anyway.

But I did take pictures a few days ago with the intend of updating and telling you that my body hadn’t changed much, but upon further examination it has. The changes are more subtle that I expected but while comparing these pictures with the 11months post-partum pictures, there are definitely less wrinkles and I think my shape has overall improved. It might just be because I’ve gained some confidence or because after 19 months of breastfeeding my breasts look like their old self again. It might very well be an optical illusion caused by lighting and a slight tan…But the important thing is that I’m able to look at myself and think, “You know what, I don’t look too bad at all.”

See the thing is, a miracle did happen, it just wasn’t the one I expected. My baby who at 11 months was just learning to stand on her own…well she isn’t quite a baby anymore. She’s this precious beautiful 20 month old little girl who’s running everywhere, getting into everything and talking up a storm. I’m in awe of her everyday. Every new word, every new skill is a miracle in itself. And while re-discovering the world through her eyes, I can’t help but see myself the way she sees me. And how can I not then think that my motherly shape is beautiful. She still loves to lovingly pat my belly (and now she actually says belly while doing so.) She still occasionally will lift my shirt to see if the breasts that nourished and comforted her for so long are still there. But now she just smiles and lay her head on my chest, “no boobies”, she says. Because she is “a big girl.”

My body might never be what it used to be and it might take me a long time to be confident enough to rock a bikini. But what it did by bringing my daughter into this life was miraculous. And whenever my little girl stops whatever she’s doing and runs over to give me a kiss, it really does remind me of what truly matters.

PS. I just wanted to let you know that after I sent the update, my husband and I found out we are expecting baby #2. We are ecstatic! And although a part of me does worry about how it will affect my body, it really is nothing compare to how blessed I feel to have been given the chance to experience motherhood a second time. I will keep you posted!

Updated here.