So it doesn’t really matter after All (Deineria)

First, I love this site. I think it provides immeasurable comfort to moms from all walks of life, and I also feel it is a reality check for those who initially believe what they see in magazines represents a fair picture of most women.

I had my first son when I was 19. I was a size 8, 34D bra size then, and I weighed about 155 lbs. I delivered him at 38 weeks vaginally, and I weighed 205 lbs at that point. I wore a 40DDD bra when I first started breastfeeding (though that did settle into a 38DD as time went on). I weighed around 165lbs and wore a size 8/10 for the first year or so, and overall, I felt pretty “frumpy,” but honestly, it did not bother me much. I breastfed him until he was 22 months old!

I did not really mind the weight because I did not start out what most people consider thin, and my size just was not on my mind. I was married and outside of that, I did not consider my appearance.

When my son was 16 months old, my then husband and I separated and filed for a divorce, and suddenly, my appearance mattered once again – and it mattered a GREAT DEAL, and I essentially cut my eating in half, and I went down to 135lbs. At nearly 5’9”, this put me in a size 2/4. I admit, I was pleased with how I looked more so at 21 through about 23 than I had ever been as a teenager. My family is pretty vain in general, and the weigh loss brought it out in a big way in me. I was so happy to be thin, the fact I went from a 36D bra to a 34B bra was wonderful as well.

I met the man I married in the winter of 2004, and eventually, a complacency set in, and gradually, the weight crept back up, but honestly, he did not and does not mind, and I realized that the fight with food just was not worth it. By the time we married in 2006, I was in a size 6-8 and weighed about 155 lbs.

After the heartbreaking loss of my three younger siblings in a fire, any concern about weight and appearance drained totally out of me, and I went up to about 170lbs. Then, in March of 2008, I became pregnant with my second son after a miscarriage only the month before, and in October of 2008, weighing 200 lbs at 33 weeks, I had an Emergency C-section following multiple hospital stays for severe pre-eclampsia. Blood flow to the baby was severely compromised, and when they got him out, he was in the last 24 hours babies usually have of life upon blood flow being cut that strictly, but after 2 weeks in the NICU, he came home and has done so well! I pumped for quite sometime to keep milk for his IV, and then breastfed him until my milk supply went away with this current pregnancy when he was 9 months old.

My weight stayed around 168-170, wearing a size 10, thanks to breastfeeding until I found out I was pregnant in May of 2009. This will be my third BOY, and at 22 weeks, I now weigh 187lbs. My dad died in June this year, right after I found out I was pregnant, and soon after, I was diagnosed with a very enlarged aortic root valve which may dissect during pregnancy and needs replaced following pregnancy, at any rate. My blood pressure problem makes this condition worse, and I am considered about as high risk as a one can be, and the doctors have told me this has to be my last baby.

I suppose worries about the health of this baby, which will almost certainly be quite early, and how the pregnancy will effect my heart, all adds to the larger weight gain this time, but when you realize this is your last child, like it or not, weight gain as a result of a pregnancy is so trivial.

I do not think of pregnancy as something that breaks down the body, makes a woman incapable of even upholding the “ideal” body women as “supposed” to present because in my experience, life events outside of child birth, both good and tragic, led to my body changing and the insignificance of my weight, though I am aware of the changes and all, is amplified with it all.

Do not get me wrong, my weight bothers someone, actually quite a few people – even my 8 year old son and 5 year old sister make comments, as do my grandmother and mother, but I think the healthiest mindset is one that just shrugs it off as the minor thing that it is.

I am aware that I do not get attention from the opposite sex like I did at 135-140lbs, but at this point in my life, it just does not matter, and whether I have to look a bit longer for jeans and shirts that suit me is not something on my “worry” list. I would not say I am nearly as confident in my body and image at this size, overall, but I am confident as a person in ways beyond that.

I am 14 year vegetarian, so I obviously want to be healthy, but I think I can be okay at 170lbs, if that is what I weigh without having to worry over what I am eating.

Yes, I got stretch marks, varicose veins, floppy boobs (mainly because mine become SO very huge) and with effort on my part, it all looked pretty dang good while I worked to maintain it – – – it is just that the life I have been dealt in general has made all of the time put into that seem a bit wasted and the “end result” seems rather unimportant now, and maybe that is the better perspective in the first place. I love my boys, love eating things I enjoy and my husband really does not mind if I squish here and there. :)

19 thoughts on “So it doesn’t really matter after All (Deineria)

  • Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    wow! youre really beautiful! Youre attitude is relly refreshing as well. Congrats on finding a good man and all your babies :)

  • Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    Your body is so beautiful!

    And your attitude is incredibly healthy!

    It gives me hope that eventually I’ll realize that the way my body looks compared to how it used to is the least important thing in my life

  • Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 2:35 pm

    You do not look over weight at all…you look amazing :)

  • Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    You are lovely, and I feel privileged to have read your story.
    I’m so sorry for the many losses and difficulties you have had. I wish for a healthy, happy, baby for you.

  • Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 5:23 pm

    you are beautiful!!! and i mean that very seriously. you are a gorgeous mommy, that has been through so much more than anyone deserves! you should be proud of the lives you brought into this life and the body that helped to do so! :)

  • Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 6:13 pm

    Wow, thank you for sharing your story! You have been through so much!! I think you are absolutely beautiful and the only thing that matters above anything else is that you love yourself and you treat your body well. Good luck with this pregnancy! For whatever it’s worth I will say a prayer for you tonight. Please send an update once your little guy is born. Take Care!


  • Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 7:03 pm

    I’m sure you know this but you are VERY beautiful. I am so sorry for the tragedies that have taken place in your life. I hope this pregnancy is healthy and magical!

  • Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 8:34 pm

    You have such a pretty pregnant belly and you look wonderful. You look healthy to me. Good luck with this pregnancy and I hope you are able to keep him in there longer than expected.

  • Wednesday, October 28, 2009 at 10:09 pm

    You are such a beautiful girl! At all sizes in these photos, you are radiant and gorgeous. I especially love the one of you and your baby in front of the waterfall. You must be so strong to have gone through all that you have. Good luck on your journey. :)

  • Thursday, October 29, 2009 at 1:36 am

    Goodluck with your pregnancy and I hope it all goes well for you!! You have a great attitude :) I think you are stunning you have a great smile, and is it me or do you seem ‘happier’ in the photos where you aren’t as thin? Either way you look AWESOME!!!

  • Friday, October 30, 2009 at 6:40 pm

    I’ve never felt the need to comment on this site before, but I do now. You are absolutely gorgeous, and look like such a happy person!! Good luck with this pregnancy!

  • Wednesday, November 4, 2009 at 8:25 pm

    I want to tell everyone thanks very much for the kind words.

  • Saturday, November 7, 2009 at 6:28 am

    you are soooooooooooo beautiful and your hair is wow !!! wish u the best

  • Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    The fact that you even think you might be fat is why very few little girls even have a chance of having a healthy body image.

  • Saturday, November 14, 2009 at 4:31 pm

    Well, to be fair, at 5’8” and 187 lbs (205 now at 29 weeks), I am not in a healthy weight and my BMI is out of a healthy range, and with my high cholesterol and blood pressure, my body is telling me it is strained. The fact that people would not accept those facts is unfortunate. My point is that vanity should not be a reason for worrying over weight, and for me, it no longer is.
    I would never want a young girl or adult woman to feel that 187lbs is a healthy or ideal weight, but I would not want vanity to be the reason for a change, it should be for ones own health. My doctor has let me know that a weight loss to a 150-155 range is vital once the baby is born because my heart condition, blood pressure and other health issues demand it. There are certainly many women out there worried they are too heavy and weight 120lbs, but we should not get so caught up in telling everyone their size is perfect that we further health problems exacerbated or caused by too much weight.

  • Tuesday, December 1, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    so sorry for your losses, I can’t imagine. you look absolutely beautiful

  • Sunday, December 6, 2009 at 10:13 pm

    you’re beautiful and so inspiring. :)

  • Monday, December 7, 2009 at 11:36 pm

    you are very beautiful, the type of beautiful greek woman.

  • Tuesday, January 5, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    You are inspirational. Truly.

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