Sad (Anonymous)

I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy just over ten month ago. I didn’t have the best pregnancy with one thing and another. However nothing could of prepared me for giving birth. Lots of damage was caused which meant I had to have surgery after having my baby. This was for vagina reconstruction and to repair a fourth degree cut they gave me. Since having the baby I have had regular physio but still have no pelvic muscle at all. Which means I have stress incontience and urgency. I am also struggling to get down to the weigth I was before I had the baby. It is really getting me down. I have been back at work a while but just feel like am failing at everything. I hate the way I look and just don’t know what to do for the best anymore. I just can’t motivate myself to do anything. Am sure my husband thinks I should just get on with stuff and that 10 months on I should be getting on with things. Everyone around me who had babies at the same time are all back in shape and seem to have perfect babies that sleep through. My baby does not sleep through and never as however he is perfect other than that. Am I just being stuipd? How can I feel better? Thanks

16 thoughts on “Sad (Anonymous)

  • Friday, January 30, 2009 at 7:30 pm

    You’re not being stupid at all. I haven’t been through what you have, but from my outside perspective, I have a few thoughts:

    1. What you percieve as other people’s realities is what they’re letting you see, what is presented to the outside world. Think, in your case, of what you show to the world vs. what you know is behind the scenes. Don’t worry too much about looks. There’s a lot you can’t know about other people’s lives.

    2. You were through an unusually hard birth, so cut yourself some slack. Talk to your Dr. Maybe there’s something he/she can do to help you mentally or physically.

    3. Talk to your husband, about how you feel and how he feels. You seem to be assuming how he feels; maybe he feels differently than you suspect. This has been a massive change for you both, and he probably has no idea what’s up either. Talk it out and take comfort in each other. Get some time alone if you can.

    Good luck!

  • Friday, January 30, 2009 at 7:33 pm

    My daughter didnt sleep through the night until she was 18 months… and she occasionally still wakes up. Getting your body back takes time…you are doing wonderfully!

  • Friday, January 30, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    Hi hun.. First of all hugs! Im so sorry your experience with pregnancy and delivery was so hard on you and your body! I suffered from PPD after my first child, and I didnt realize it until my doctor pointed it out 6 months later. I had no energy, didnt want to accomplish anything, I couldnt recognize myself! I wasnt me and longed to be me again! I would suggest you talk to your doc; and find a forum for woman whom have had babies.. it has helped me tremendously to speak with woman who had similar stories and similar babies! (both of mine had colic.. so no perfect quiet baby for me)…

    Please feel free to email me if you need to talk!
    Sometimes talking to a stranger is easier and liberating!

  • Friday, January 30, 2009 at 8:35 pm

    My daughter will be turning 10months in the next 2 weeks. She only just recently started sleeping through the night. (knocks on wood) Not everything works for all infants, my doctor said to let her cry it out…it didn’t work. But what does work for me now is getting her up at 8am, laying her down for a nap around 11 or 12 for 2 hours or so and then laying her down for another hour long nap around 4 or 5. Then around 9:30 I make her a warm bottle with rice cereal and give her the right dose of tylenol and put her to bed. [I only give the tylenol because she is teething really bad right now]

    As for your weight, I gained 90 during my pregnancy and have only lost 55-60lbs. It doesn’t help that the baby wouldn’t sleep. How can a person really fuction on little to no sleep let alone exercise or really be able to eat right? pfft. Once you start getting some sleep things will get better. I can’t guarentee it but it seems to be helping me. Along with doing 10-20 minutes of yoga before bed.

    All my friends and family have had babies who sleep through the night almost straight away and who lost every lb and then some. Don’t feel like a failure! You’re not. And you’re certainly not alone in feeling that way. I see a doctor at least once a month now and help talk it out. She helps me keep things in perspective. Maybe try it?

    Don’t worry, you’re not being stupid. It’s being a parent. Unfortunatly there isn’t a definitive way to make things better. Sometimes you have to just keep going, and you’ll realize that tomorrow can be better if you just think more positive.

    I wish I could offer advice on the incontinence and such, but I had a c-section and didn’t have any significant damage done. I’m sure someone will respond later with good advice on the subject.

    Just remember every baby and every person is different. But things WILL get better. <3

  • Friday, January 30, 2009 at 9:13 pm

    I too had a 4th degree tear from birthing my daughter. That was 23 months ago. I did not have to have any major surgery, just a trip from the birthing center where i had my daughter to the hospital to get stitched up. It was hard to think about the implications that having a 4th degree tear would have for incontience or birthing children. but as time passed i tried to think of what i could do to make the best of what i had. I try to do kegels daily (although that doesn’t always happen). I too had gained a lot of weight during pregnancy, and it seemed that it would never come off–but it did. the thing to keep in mind is that many things are not just going to change on their own. you have to focus on small things that you CAN do. those small things will slowly add up to bigger things. DON’t get caught looking at other women–even though it is so tempting to compare yourself with others. you are normal, you are not stupid, and you can feel better. but it starts with your state of mind.

    ps-my daughter still doesn’t always sleep through the night. and at 10 months she never slept through the night. she slept with us so that i could at least get some sleep at night. no worries. you can get though this.

  • Friday, January 30, 2009 at 9:33 pm

    Try to be kind to yourself. You have obviously been through a lot. Things will get better. My son is 15 months and doesn’t always sleep through the night, but he will when he’s ready, like everything else.

    The best thing you can do is to stop measuring yourself by the little bit you see of other families’ lives. While you may be struggling with something that comes easy for someone else, they might be struggling with something that comes easy to you, something you might not be able to see or know. We all struggle to find our own way, our own solutions, our own contentment.

    You have a lot to recover from, and it’s okay if it takes some time. Count your blessings every day, and work on improving your situation one baby step at a time.

    Good luck to you.

  • Friday, January 30, 2009 at 10:07 pm

    of course you’re not being stupid. you’re going through a traumatic time right now. and i understand when babies don’t sleep like everyone else’s do. mine was like that too. It got better though–she is now almost 2 and things are getting a little easier. She can communicate her needs to us and we can help her feel better.

    I had a really hard pregnancy too, but i opted out of natural child birth. I did choose to have a c-section because the baby was so big. I’m sorry you had to go through the surgery and the reconstruction. I know my c-section was really, REALLY painful and I can only imagine the pain you went through.

    My suggestion is to try to see the bright side. And if you’re finding it’s really hard to do that you might want to consider talking to your doctor about a low dose of anti-depressants. A lot of mom’s go through hard times after the baby is born. I certainly did, and i’m still taking anti-depressants to cope with stuff. don’t be embarassed about it. A lot of people are suffering when they don’t have to. LIfe can be so much more enjoyable. No one deserves to feel sad and that they are failing at everything. No one.

    Chin up, buttercup. Things will get better. I will keep you in my prayers.

  • Friday, January 30, 2009 at 11:10 pm

    Oh, you are not being stupid at all! This whole process is so different for all of us. Some of us have an easy go at it, some of us- not so much. It is easier said than done, but don’t compare yourself to others. What you went through is as unique as you are, and it can take god knows how long to get us back to where we feel comfortable.

    If it makes you feel better at all, I’m not even close to my prepregnancy weight and my daughter, at 15 months, doesn’t dare sleep through the night!

    Just keep on, you know what is best for you and for you!

  • Saturday, January 31, 2009 at 10:00 am

    It took me almost 1 1/2 to feel ” normal” after having my son. I didnt have as many problems as you, but my son was in the NICU for 12 days and will have the problem the rest of his life. It has taken me 2 yrs to get the weight off.
    I remember feling the same way you do. Not eveyone gets back n shae right away.
    My son still at 2.5 rs old wakes up in the night. ( not as much as when he was born til 1.1/2).
    Motherhood is tough and the toll it takes n our bodies is extreme. You gave life to another person and be grateful for that ad y ou child.
    Keep your head up and knwo that there are other people who felt the same way you did.

  • Saturday, January 31, 2009 at 12:17 pm

    I did not have tearing but the nurse failed to take out my cath before I started pushing. While pushing it ripped the cath out while fully inflated. I had serious damage to my urethra and had to visit a urologist. I wore depends for a long time and felt so stupid and gross. Nothing says sexy like a diaper. It was a long road, but I finally have control again and no longer wet my pants. It took about year for everything to heal. Don’t give up, these things take time.

  • Saturday, January 31, 2009 at 11:09 pm

    My daughter is almost 10 months and still get up about every 3 hours at night, it’s exhausting, but it won’t last forever.
    What I would do, set some small short term attainable goals for yourself, take your time, but start doing small things that you haven’t been able to do yet, maybe its just to get a shower and get out of the house… I also find that having things to do each day helps me, you could try to find a baby and mom swim class, I also go to a baby and me class which is just a bunch of moms talking about life with their new additions, it really helps! Good luck!

  • Saturday, January 31, 2009 at 11:14 pm

    I had a third degree tear and a second degree episiotomy with my first son. It was horrible. It took almost two years before I could have sex with my husband without pain. Many kegels later I was about 90% back to my former self.
    I know how hard it is when everyone is telling you to count your blessing and be thankful when you feel tired, not sexy and worried about your body.
    In time things do get better. Just be kind to yourself now…having a baby is a major emotional and physical event.
    If it helps any my second child’s labour was nothing like my first. I could have opted for an elective (based on the mess they made of my perineal area) C-section but didn’t. It was the best decision I could have made for myself. It gave me faith that my body was OK again.
    Many (((hugs)))

  • Tuesday, February 3, 2009 at 1:30 pm

    Why is it that chilbirth is so hard on some of us? I had a difficult pregnancy, horrible delivery, and I know that my daughter is the one thing that carried me through the long, dark year following her birth. While think of postpartum depression as something that affects only brand-new mommies, it can strike at any point during the first year after childbirth. Or later, if you’re nursing. You might check with your doctor about a prescription, it could make a world of difference.

    On a side note, I’ve read that it takes up to four years for your body to fully recover from giving birth. The changes are agonizinly slow, I know, and while I am finally back to ‘normal’ it has taken me a full 17 months to get here. Give it a little bit, being a mommy is hard. :)

  • Friday, February 6, 2009 at 8:10 am

    I just wanted to say that you are young and you should not have to suffer from incontinence issues. Have you looked into pelvic floor reconstruction? When you are done having kids, you might want to consider that. You should not have to suffer from this for the rest of your life. Kegels can only help so much.

  • Saturday, April 3, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    I Had a 9IB baby and had internal and 4th degree tearing resulting in an internal repair and anal sphincter repair surgery.I hear you I am 3 years after baby and 2 years after surgery.Went to physio for 1 year after surgery and now am still not myself and probably never will be.I am trying to deal with it and it is better post surgery than before.If you need to talk I would be happy to have someone else to talk to about it too.Take care

  • Friday, August 31, 2012 at 7:59 am

    I figured that it probably will be 52,000$
    worth of incontinence supplies by the time I am dead.

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