Happy… This is Who I Am (Bryana)

Previous posts here, here, and here.

I’ve written on here many times before. Each time a progress report or a pep talk. Each time has been therapeutic and refreshing; taking a few minutes to reflect solely on myself and my feelings of myself. It’s not often we take time to acknowledge ourselves as women, not just mothers. But this time for me, it’s about the acceptance and happiness with myself. Now that is refreshing.

As I approach the 2 year mark since my daughter’s birth and the 2 year mark of the last birth I will experience, I no longer feel empty or alone. For the last 18 months or so I have had a feeling of loss. I
felt like I was cheating myself. I am 23, nearly 24, and my fiancée and I have decided that our 2 beautiful
and healthy children are enough to fill our lives. The decision to stick to our 2 children was never something that bothered me. After a long talk with God and my fiancée we knew that the children we had were the only children we would be having. Not only financially or mentally motivated, but medically as well, we knew our decision was the right one. All the doctors I had seen had advised me not to have any more children. It could be detrimental. Why would I risk leaving my 2 children to possibly add a 3rd? It didn’t seem right to me. So my husband went in and got his vasectomy. The feeling of emptiness or loss came from knowing I would never feel that kick in my ribs again, or the excitement of hearing the heart beat, or finding out the sex. I feel I took my daughters pregnancy for granted. I never really took the time to relish in it, to realize the miracle taking place. Maybe I was just feeling guilty. I still don’t know, but those feeling have faded and no longer haunt me. Watching all my friends bring children into this world brings me so much happiness and joy now, rather than a little envy. That’s when I knew my feelings were fading and acceptance was taking place.

Today, nearly a month away from the 2 year PP mark, I am finally happy and completely accepting of myself, my life, and all the blessings I am granted each and every day. I absolutely love my body, stretch marks and flabby skin included! My body seemed broken for a while. Previously written about, my body could not hold any weight. I was losing weight faster than I could say “Stop!” and no one could figure it out. But finally, my body has found its balance. I stay steady at 110lbs, I rarely have headaches any more, and I can eat a healthy balanced diet without fearing the outcome. If I want chips, then I’ll eat them. I’m not afraid of my body any more, and that is such an amazing feeling.

I have begun to see my body as a place where miracles took place. Why should I be ashamed of the marks that were left by a miracle? All they are is proof of where a miracle was born. That’s nothing to be ashamed of. Many women who happen to not be blessed with having children, or being able to carry a child to term, yearn and beg for a mark to show. A stretch mark to many are ugly, but to others it is such a beautiful thing. To me, they are beautiful.

Today I stand at 4’11” tall. I am 110lbs and healthy… finally! I am comfortable in my own skin. I love myself. In a month and a half, July 2nd, I will be married, living in a new amazing house, and beginning new memories to last a life time. My daughter will be 2, and my son nearly 5 ½ ! He will be starting grade 1 in a new school with new friends. I will watch them run in the back yard, much like a miniature jungle for kids. I will watch them celebrate each other and holidays. That for me is what life is all about. That for me is beautiful.

I don’t believe I will post again. I find closure in this post. However I will continue to read the amazing stories on this website, and continue to help you all find peace within yourselves.

I have posted picture. They are of me today, May 20, 2011. This is me happy and proud of who I am!