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baby love. body love (Mariel)

So…. I was a crazy teen, doing the regular crazy teen things- and ended up becoming pregnant at the age of 15. I lost her sometime in the second half of 2005. I am guilt ridden, and am learning how to let go… I lost my first daughter (I say daughter because I knew she was a she- even without a pregnancy test or ultrasound- I am her mother, I know…) because I was an irresponsible, self-loathing teen. I subconciously knew that I was pregnant for about 5 1/2 – 6 months. I didn’t care. I didn’t show. It was unreal to me. I continued to drink and had serious issues with substance abuse- because “it is my life and I am going to live it” – at least that’s what I always said. Technically my daughter would have been considered a stillborn- I do not recall anything about the week I lost her. Not a THING. I continue to pray for her saftey in heaven. God sent me that particular blessing for many a reason. After that horrific experience, I sort of came to. I was addmitted to a rehab facility, attended meatings regulary, started to go back to church, renewed my broken relationships with family and friends… I finally had gotten my crap together. I personally do not think that anyone belived in me, or respected my efforts- They all were just waiting for me to fail. And I did (in their eyes at least). Throughout my crazy years, I wanted a child so badly because I wanted someone to love me. I actually look back and don’t know what I would have done if I had given birth to my first daughter. Things would be very different for sure. Now it’s April of 2007 and I am a proud single mother (18 years old) of my beautiful, healthy, gorgeous daughter Helena Elizabeth. She was born November 24th at 8:44 am; she weighed 7lbs. 1 oz. and was 19 & 1/4 inches long (she was born by c-section, which I was disapointed about because on going 100% natural- but… she was breech). Things were rough in the beginning because everyone was dissapointed in my downfall, and just thought that history would be repeating. My parents thought that it would be best for everyone if I was to move into some type of maternity program as to learn how to take care of myself, and be strong and independent enough to raise my child. Everyone was so set on adoption, but I wasn’t sure… When I found out I was still kind of blinded by all that was changing around me, and was kind of in my own little world for a while. Time went by, and even though my relation ships with my family were EXTREMELY rocky in the beginning, things evened out and they way they should be now. I am so grateful for the love and support they provide me with, I couldn’t do anything without them. I live on my own now, and support my little family as best I can, with the occasional financial help from my parents. I live 3,000 miles away from them and all that I know of this world. I work, go to school and am trying my hardest to be a successful young single mom. Anyway- that’s my story… and I love this site! I am so dissapointed with my post pregnancy body, but I’m learning to love it!!! Oh… and we’ve been breastfeeding since day 1, and still lovin’ it!!! -Mariel&BabyHelena

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18 comments… add one
  • Little Mommy Tuesday, May 1, 2007, 9:09 am

    Good for you! Don’t believe that pregnancy was your “downfall.” No child is ever a mistake or a bad thing. Kudos to you for picking yourself up for your daughter.

  • tanyetta Tuesday, May 1, 2007, 9:16 am


    i love this site! the honesty is amazing! everyone looks beautiful.

  • Alexis Tuesday, May 1, 2007, 9:52 am

    Good for you for being so strong and proving everyone wrong! You are the best mother that both of your little girls could ever have. You are truly blessed and you are beautiful!

    By the way… Your little girl’s eyes are mesmerizing! :)

  • BubbaMom Tuesday, May 1, 2007, 11:35 am

    I think it’s wonderful that you are working so hard to be the best mommy for your little girl. I wish you much happiness and success in the future!

  • C. Tuesday, May 1, 2007, 12:00 pm

    Good for you!! I am sorry for your loss. You are doing the right thing by both your daughter’s, keep it up.

  • D Tuesday, May 1, 2007, 1:09 pm

    The black and white breastfeeding picture is so lovely!

  • Lori Tuesday, May 1, 2007, 4:07 pm

    She. Is. GORGEOUS!!

  • ashley Tuesday, May 1, 2007, 5:41 pm

    good for you for posting your story andd your pictures, maybe one day i’ll do mine too- hope to see you guys soon!
    good for you for posting your story andd your pictures, maybe one day i’ll do mine too- hope to see you guys soon!
    <33 ashley

  • lisanne Tuesday, May 1, 2007, 8:21 pm

    Having a child is truly a miracle! It truly can change our soul!
    You are both gorgeous :)

  • Lil Wednesday, May 2, 2007, 12:07 am

    What a trip you’ve been on mother-sister…and look, you’ve survived with tenacity and love…if I knew you, I’d hug you! BTW, age has nothing to do with the kind of mother you CHOOSE to be…

    Peace to you and Helena,

  • Bethie Saturday, May 5, 2007, 10:45 pm

    you both look beautiful

  • Yemi Sunday, May 6, 2007, 8:36 pm

    You two look so gorgeous in the last two pictures:)

  • Corrie Tuesday, May 8, 2007, 12:34 am

    You and your daughter are both beautiful! Good for you for going forward against the odds. And I think you look wonderful!!!

  • Diva Sunday, June 10, 2007, 5:11 am

    What an inspiring story….You should be extremely PROUD of yourself for picking yourself up after the loss of your child, for deciding you and your daughters were worth you doing something about the problems you had. Your girls are lucky to have you, keep up the awesome work and be kind to yourself! I love your pics btw, the black and white one is especially gorgeous!!! And you look GREAT!!!

  • Natalie&Addysen Saturday, July 21, 2007, 8:47 pm

    Good for you!! the picture of you nursing your daughter is amazing.

  • Natalie&Addysen Saturday, July 21, 2007, 8:47 pm

    Good for you!! the picture of you nursing your daughter is amazing.

  • PrOud MommY Wednesday, October 3, 2007, 12:44 pm

    omg!! she is sooo beautiful!…. i totally know where ur coming from… i gave birth to my baby girl Mariana Rubi almost 3 months ago at the age of 18. I’m 19 now.. and honestly i dont know what i would of done without my family.. especialy my mom and her daddy.Being so young realy brings on the talk amoung everyone.Good luck with everything!

  • Tracie Monday, November 3, 2008, 7:38 pm

    So inspiring! You look amazing!

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