Author: Bonnie (SOAM)

My New Tattoos (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Cesarean, Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 6 Comments

Age: 31
2 pregnancies/2 c-sections
20 months and 2 months

When I made my first submission I was in a great place and had finally accepted my new body. I was pregnant a month later (the first time we had unprotected sex) and enjoyed my second pregnancy just as much as the first – there’s something to be said for creating someone out of nothing…. Anyway, I gained just as much weight with this pregnancy (40lbs) but my body did very different things. My giant baby boy was born 11lbs 1oz with my first pregnancy. I had a couple stretch marks on my hips and some elephant skin on my belly but that was it. With my smaller little girl (9lbs 14oz) I got stretch marks all over the right side of my belly. I had been hoping for a vbac but my baby was in distress – every time I had a contraction her heartbeat went from 140 beats per minute to around 40. And do you know what upset me the most about having another c-section? Losing the giant scar I had from my first baby because he left so few marks on my body. The doctor had stapled me back together after my son was born, and the scar was probably 7 or 8mm wide in some places, and it had huge ridges and dents…. My new c-section scar is teeny tiny (I got stitches instead of staples), maybe a bit more than a hair wide. Except on one end, where I’ve still got a little bit of my baby boy tattoo left. And that’s what I’ve started calling all these special marks I have all over my body. My husband goes and gets a new tattoo every time he accomplishes something. Or wants to remember something. And he used to ask me if I was ever going to go get one. The other day I told him that my stretch marks and wrinkled skin and c-section scars are my tattoos. Even without them I’d never forget what I’ve accomplished or my wonderful little people, but I think these marks on my body are pretty darn special. I just really wish I knew which ones on my hips were from which kid :-)

Updated here.

Young and Blessed (Cara J.)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Piercing, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom 5 Comments

I got pregnant at the age of 18 and I remember everything so vividly. It was November 29th (my birthday) and my bestfriend and I went to go get piercings. I already had the top of my belly pierced so I wanted to get something different and get the bottom done. I remember on the consent form it asked if I was pregnant and of course I said no because I just couldn’t be! So December comes and the week my period is supposed to come, it doesn’t. I call my boyfriend and tell him I think I’m pregnant so we go get tests and sure enough they come out positive! I was shocked, scared, and mad at the same time! But as time went on and I heard my little baby’s heartbeat I instantly fell in love with this life inside of me. I was due August 21st and it was fastly approaching. I had a wonderful and healthy pregnancy. In April I found out I was expecting a boy and was so excited because there were so many girls in my family and he would be the first boy. I was 8 months and had not one stretch mark. The next month is when they attacked and I was horrified of the sight! I never thought about what my belly would look like after the baby until I saw my first stretch mark. I was 4″11 and weighed about 120 before I got pregnant and had a nice flat tummy. Towards the end of my pregnancy I gained about 30 pounds and it was all belly. Some people even thought I was carrying twins! Anyways, my due date comes and goes. I was a week overdue when I got induced. I was probably in the hospital for a couple of hours when the contractions started coming back to back. Boy were they intense! All of sudden I felt a gush of fluid. I thought I went to the bathroom on myself so I got up to go to the bathroom. When I stood up I noticed the fluid was still gushing and when I looked down it was all blood! My boyfriend called for the nurse and when she came in and saw all the blood she instantly rushed out of the room. I was so scared because I didn’t know what was going on. I had planned on having a natural birth and going home right after, but it didn’t happen the way that I had hoped. A doctor that was on call that night came in to do an ultrasound and didn’t say anything for awhile. After a few minutes he tells the nurse that I have to have an emergency c-section due to a placental abruption! The doctor said if we didn’t hurry my son could die. I was so scared that I started to cry. My boyfriend was there the whole time and cried with me until it was time for them to roll me into the operating room. They gave me the meds and after about 10 minutes my healthy baby boy was born crying that cry that I loved so much. Carsen Lyle was born at exactly 4:00am weighing 7lbs 7oz. The crazy thing about that weight was that, that’s what I weighed when I was born! It wasn’t the birth I planned on, but all I knew is that I had my son in my arms. I was lucky considering I didn’t know how serious a placental abruption was until very recently. After all the drama at the hospital and when I got home is when I started noticing how ugly my stomach was. I didn’t dwell on it because I was thinking, Hey Im young, it’ll go back to the way it was. But I was dead wrong. I am so insecure about how pudgy my stomach is that I’m always wearing sweats and big t-shirts. I’ve been working out as much as I can with my little guy and school, but it seems like a slow process. Even when I feel insecurities arising in my mind my boyfriend looks in the mirror with me. We look at my stomach, my stretch marks, and my scar and he always tells me I have the most sexiest body he’s ever seen and would love me no matter what. He always makes me feel better and tells me that he should be the only one I’m trying to impress even though he loves my body more than I do. Even though I still look at my stomach in disgust sometimes, I look at my son and see how lucky I was to have this stomach. Not many people can look at their pudgy tummies and be thankful for it. I’m working on it day by day and I will eventually get there. Thanks for reading my story :)

Age: 19
Number of pregnancies: 1
Age of your children: 7 1/2 months

My Ever-Changing Body (Danelle)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Four or More Pregnancies, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 6 Comments

I’m currently 6 weeks postpartum I’m 28 years old and I’ve had a total of 4 c sections. My name is Danelle and my oldest girl is 10 years old I had her when I was 17 exactly one week before my 18th birthday. I went from 195 back to 150 in about 6 months. But I got pregnant again with my second girl she will be turning 9 in august I went from 175 back to 160 and then gained weight because of my junk food habit! But I started going to the gym and going on walks and dancing in my living room and then boom my son came along! He is now 4 years old and he’s a handful probably because he’s surrounded by women. My new baby girl came along when I was extremely overweight I am 5ft 1 and I weighed 200 pounds with this pregnancy I gained 10 pounds. I’m now 190 and I’m hoping I can keep the weight loss going I go back to work in 2 weeks and my job is very physically demanding. I have been walking everyday but I’ve had to take it extra easy. This time my recovery has been a lot harder because of our financail situation but I hang on to my faith. My body still isn’t back into shape but it usually takes me about 4 to 6 months to get myself up to speed. But this time I’ve quit smoking I’m making excercize a habit and I’m eating healthy and staying away from soda and fast food. I’m extremely self conscious about my belly. But its a part of me and it carried 4 beautiful children into this world. Belly or no belly thunder thighs or stick thighs I’m a beautiful woman regardless of what our society says I should be! I’m going to get myself healthy for myself and for my children so I can see my grandchildren grow up. No woman should be ashamed of the damage left by child birth we should wear them with pride. We brought a life into this world and survived and that combined with the neverending love we have for our children is priceless! I have included pics of my belly pics of my children and myself at 5 weeks post partum I like this site and what it stands for! Its wonderful to see a site that allows women to express their feelings and tell their stories and learn to love and accept their bodies

Forever Hiding Behind My Clothes (Amanda)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 24 Comments

Pregnancies:1
Age: 19

Hello my name is Amanda I am ONE WEEK postpartum from having my beautiful daughter. I had a great pregnancy with no complications up untill I was due I went 4 days over my due date and then I had false
labor when I got to the hospital they checked my amniotic fluid levels and it was so low they said I had been leaking for a few days,they decided to induce me and I was in labor for 23 hours total! After all that time I stopped dilating at 4 centimeters and then the baby’s heartbeat kept dropping,so they decided to do an emergency c-section. Thankfully the baby was perfectly healthy and all was well.

At the start of my pregnancy I weighed 110 lbs and at the end I weighed 161 lbs. With the weight gain i got a MASSIVE amount of stretch marks what seems to be every place imaginable my stomach, hips, butt, boobs, thighs, even the back of my knees. They are so big and dark in color they make me so disgusted. I can’t even where shorts or dresses anymore because I am so insecure and embarrassed about the stretch marks… I’m only 19 and I feel like my body is destroyed and i never want my husband to see me naked again. I hope eventually I can come to terms with my body and start to take pride in my stretch marks.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to lighten stretch marks and tighten the loose skin on the stomach please I am willing to try anything.

Thank you all for reading my story.

Widowed, But Never Alone (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Widow 8 Comments

Age: 22
Number of births: 2
Ages: 4 years and 2 years

I had my first son when I was seventeen. It took almost two years before I decided to change anything about myself as I weighed almost fifty pounds more then I had before pregnancy. Shortly after getting my body back I lost my husband to the war and was pregnant with my second child. I did everything I could to not loose the hard work I had done and stayed healthy. It is a long struggle and I am still trying to get my body back but I know that things can never be the same. My children keep me strong and fighting everyday.

Beautiful Blessings (Leah)

Bonnie (SOAM) African American, Belly, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 10 Comments

I am 23 years old and expecting my third baby. My children are 1 and 8 months apart ,I have two girls and I’m praying for a little boy. My first pregnancy was a natural birth that lasted 5 hrs. and my second pregnancy was an emergancy c-section. I love my doctor I have the smallest scar you ever seen. The journey through both pregnancies were life changing and I can’t wait to see whats next. I came across this site to get a glimps of what my belly might look like in my third pregnancy and I’ve seen dissapionting comments that led me to post my story. Not only am I m having a third baby but my children are bi-racial and I know how it feels to be ridicualed in public by people. They are half puerto rican and african american and their beautiful. I actually was in shoprite and A women came up to me and said your a very young nanny, I thought to myself she must think my kids were somebody elses becauses their so light and I’m darker then them. It did hurt alittle, but I just told here that these are my children and then she went on saying that I should be ashamed because of my age. I asked her how old do you think I am , she replied 15 and yes I do look young but to flat out embaress me like that in public was rude of an older women.

so I finally told here that Im 23 and I could see that she was embaressed , I said its ok I get it alot. I knew she was embaressed and she apologized. I had so many comments given to because thier bi racial and because I look young but, I just pray for those people and keep my head up. I write this not only for myself but all moms out there. God bless you and keep doing the best career in the World.

How do you forgive yourself? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Submissions, Teen Mom 26 Comments

2 pregnancies 1 birth
Age 6 boy
4 years postpartum
I am 24 years old

I was 17 when I found out I was pregnant with my first child. More excited then ever, I told the father right away but knew deep down my parents would not be happy so I hid it from them. It wasn’t until one evening that my brother and I had gotten into a confrontation that I was forced to tell my parents. My mother took the news well but my father not so well, he disowned me at the age of 17. I graduated high-school and continued my education, had my son in October :) and he was the highlight of my life. soon after a few year later becoming pregnant again but at that point the father left me. I didn’t think I could do things on my own. Taking care of one child, managing school, and work was hard enough. Having another one I thought would only make it harder. Being a young single mother with no help except what I expected at the age of 20. So I had an terminated the pregnancy. And to this day I regret it. Before I got pregnant with either child I was about 100 lbs. With my son I gained 18 lbs and lost it all right away, with my second by the time I had the abortion I had already gained 15 lbs, and after I fell into post postpartum depression. I now weigh 135 lbs. I dont know if I will ever forgive myself for what I did, I know I was not financially stable but its hard.

I am just starting to like myself ever. (Alice)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo, Teen Mom 5 Comments

24 years old. 2 pregnancies 1 live birth 1 abortion
My daughter is 5 years old in 2 months. I am almost 5 years pp.

I got pregnant with my daughter a week before my 19th birthday. I was in love with a boy who was “out of my league” but it seemed he was interested in me. We were together for 8 months before we got pregnant. Before that I was constantly trying to keep his attention any way I knew how, but he would flirt and cheat and it made me hate myself and my body.

I am 4’11” and pre-pregnancy I weighed 130 pounds. It was the thinnest I had ever been and I was struggling to be skinny for my boyfriend after being overweight my entire life. I gained 55 pounds during my pregnancy and hated myself every minute for it. After I had my daughter I worked quickly to lose all the weight I had gained but my boyfriend turned husband left me for a 90 pound girl 3 years my junior. I hated myself even more. I then promised myself that I would lose all the weight plus some to show how beautiful I was. After 3 years I decided I was losing weight for the wrong reason and I needed to love myself before anyone else could love me. I changed my diet and lifestyle and I wanted to be healthy rather than skinny. When I started getting my confidence back and stopped looking for love in the wrong places I found my now fiance. He told me he loved me no matter what I looked like! Stretch marks and all! I am proud to say that I am down to a healthy (not starved) 107 pounds. We will be trying to have another baby after we are married and this time I will stay healthy and happy for my baby.

picture 1: 8 months pregnant
picture 2: 1 month pp
picture 3: 4 years pp
picture 4: 4.7 years pp still stretch marked but feeling better about me

My Body is a Battlefield (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 11 Comments

18 months post partum
1 pregnancy
1 birth by C-Section
Age:24

First I have to say – THANK YOU so much to the creator of this site and everyone who has participated. You have all made me feel sane and normal when I thought for sure I was losing my mind. Women are real, strong, beautiful, courageous people who deserve far more than to feel belittled by the cover of Cosmo magazine every time we go to the grocery store. Thank you to everyone fighting the good fight.

This is my story…

My body is my worst enemy.

Seriously.

But I still love it.

I’ve had body issues as long as I can remember – normal teenage girl stuff like most women. But when I became an athlete most of that went away. I swam division one in college. I was strong, muscular and fast. My body was thick, my shoulders were broad, I was still bigger than some girls on the team, but it did what it was supposed to do: it won races.

Through swimming I tore both of my shoulders and had reconstructive surgeries, gave myself permanent nerve damage in my right arm, made both of my knees crooked and painful to walk on, and had injections in my hips from painful bursitis. I had to quit swimming when they couldn’t fix the nerve damage. Ever since I’ve felt like my body is my enemy. It is not functional. It doesn’t do what it’s supposed to. I’m still living with the chronic pain.

I got married to an incredible man – the love of my life – after my junior year of college. Five months later we found out we were expecting! I managed to finish my degree and graduate, but I wasn’t happy about being pregnant. I had my own plans. But not anymore. My life became completed absorbed into my physical experience. My body didn’t handle pregnancy well. From 16 weeks of nausea, to heartburn, sciatica that made me fall down, to knees and hips that felt like they were going to fall out of their sockets. I worked out for 2 hours five days a week, untilI had pre-term labor that put me in the hospital at 30 weeks, then bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy. Then I had prodromal labor for five weeks and went directly into transition phase with no breaks between contractions when my water broke. After two hours of screaming my brains out ignored by the nurses in the hospital they discovered that the baby was breech, his heart rate was dropping and I needed an emergency C-section. My spinal didn’t take, so they had to knock me out. I woke up to see my husband holding a little bundle. He showed me our beautiful and perfect son. But I forgot quickly because I was still coming out of the anesthesia and he had to show me again several times.

I still grieve not actually “giving birth.” I’m sad that I didn’t hear my baby’s first cry or see him come out, mess and all. I’m sad that my husband didn’t either because he couldn’t come in the room when they knocked me out. Once again, I feel like, my body failed me.

As much as I HATED being pregnant I equally LOVE being a mother. My son is the light of my life and a constant joy! From the first second I saw him, everything was okay. I love devoting my life to my family, and any earlier feeling of being upset at graduating college to immediately become a stay-at-home mom is gone. There is nothing that could drag me away!

Recovery was rough, but the worst part was that my nerve pain became far worse after giving birth. I felt like someone was putting cigarettes out along my spine. I still had (and have) sciatica, knee pain, and hip pain. Some days I can’t walk up stairs or pick up my son. I became so injured when swimming because all of my joints are naturally loose or hypermobile, so they banged up easily with 20 hours of training each week. When pregnancy introduced the hormone relaxin into the mix, I literally fell apart. Now I hobble around, have nerve pain spiking out of every joint, and will be having major back surgery to fix my scoliosis and relieve the chronic pain.

We’re very excited to be adopting our next baby, hopefully this summer!, as we work with doctors to try to “fix” my body. I’m not sure if I will ever get pregnant again. Maybe one day. But we are committed to adopting this year, then we’re going to start an international adoption to adopt siblings a year or two from now. Learning about adoption and the plight of 143 million orphans around the world has seemed to help all of this make sense. If I am in this much pain so that I will give a mommy and a daddy to three orphaned children – then it is all well worth it.

My body image after birth was (is still is) pretty awful. My breasts became about 100% stretch marks. My tummy has them too, but I don’t mind them so much. My C-section scar is crooked. I have a wrinkle over my belly button – though I’ll admit I actually think its kind of cute. I still struggle to let my husband see me naked because all I see is fat, stretch marks, and loose skin. I assume that’s what he sees too. He thinks I’m crazy and tells me I’m gorgeous every single days without exception. Nonetheless, sSome days I don’t want to leave the house because my pants won’t zip or my shirt is too tight. I know that’s stupid. But on those bad days it takes over my mind. But I know that I am healthy and I know that I am a mother. I’m trying to grasp the fact that I can lose another 10 pounds, but I will still have stretch marks and loose skin. I need to come to grips with that. But it is so hard.

Because my body is constantly working against me, being in shape and managing my weight is a major priority in my life. The stronger I am and less I weigh (to a healthy extent of course!), the less pain I should be in and the better I feel in general. I hate my body, but I love it too. I want to take care of it. I want it to last another 50 years. I was to be strong, functional, energetic, and ready to live life. I do at least an hour of exercise and physical therapy six days a week. I eat as healthfully as I can (with cookies on the side), cook everything from scratch, and my whole family benefits from that determination.

Posting these pictures is a major part of my accepting my body for what it is: the good, the bad, and the painful. When I saw my most recent picture next to my picture of 9 months pregnant I thought: Wow. How can a body even do that? That is really incredible.

Pictures:
9 months pregnant – wow I was huge, but it was all out in front and you couldn’t even tell from behind
5 days post partum – all see is monster boobs! Milk is coming in!
2 months post partum – check out those bright red stretch marks on my breasts!
7 months post partum – still nursing. We just moved – its a mess!
18 months post partum – breasts went all the way back down
18 months post partum – stretch marks are all silver

Update (Lucia)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Submissions, Update 6 Comments

Previous entries here and here.

I read this site as often as I can now, I have a very active 9 month old and I try to be out with him as much as posible, and i´ve been meanin to share something with you all.

When I was little I remember asking my mom if a pregnant woman went back to her shape right after the baby came out, and she said yes, right away so I imagined it like when you deflate a ballon, it just goes back. Little did I know it was more complicated that that, then I got pregnant and curious as to what really happens to your body and I came across this site, so I talked to my mom and tried to remind her about that time she had told me that all mommies bodies go back after having their baby, and her response was “I don’t remember, but how did you believe me seeing that I ended up so deformed” deformed, that’s what she thought of herself, to me she was always beautiful and I didn’t know her before I was born so how was I
supposed to tell the difference?

I also remember that she would complain about how fat she was when I was, lets say 5, then we would look at pictures of that time when I was 9 and she´d say “Oh God! I was skinny back there and I couldn’t appreciate it, now I´ve turned into such a cow” And what I have seen in most of these post is something like that, women who were not completely happy with their pre preggo bodies and that would now kill for them, I just have a little advice, if I may.

Woman: enjoy your body AS IT IS, down go moping over what it USED to look like, don’t wait until it is gone to appreciate it, it would be really sad if you took a picture of yourself today and not realizing how beautiful you are until you see it years from now. And this applies to everything really, I apply this mostly to my baby, I try to love every one of his stages because they aint coming back, it gets harder in some ways and easier in others. Also, your fear of how looking bad is not helping, you put yourself under a magnifying glass every time you look at yourself in the mirror, and you assume everyone else sees the same flaws you do, and you give your supportive husband such a hard time cause you don’t believe he doesn’t care about (or sometimes doesn’t even see) your stretch marks or all of those imaginary flaws, that’s a good thing, and heres a secret, most men don’t notice and if they do, chances are they don’t care, I´ve always thought that when you put make up on to look pretty for a husband, boyfriend, men in general the ones who notice it the most are women, now women may notice your flaws, but if someone tells you something you really shouldn’t give a damn, especially if you’ve got one of those rare unsupportive spouses who do, try to put them in their place or see if you can make it without them, I know being a single mom is hard and not a first choice but you
shouldn’t allow them to psychologically abuse you or bully you, is that the kind of thing you want around your kids?

And lastly, as an update, I finally found some stretch marks! I was 5 moths pp and right out of the shower I bent over to wrap my hair up in a towel and there they were, little silver lines that I can only see when there’s direct sunlight and strect my skin, They are way down in my belly so any two pice bathing suit would almost cover them up, also at 8 months pp I found some more higher, near my navel, and it’s the weirdest think, I am totally sure it wasn’t there before, I mean I could see something weird but it seemed to be under my skin, ever happened to one of you? Oh and my breasts get smaller I can feel their share of stretch marks, then after a while if I focus a lot and have very good lighting I can see a couple of them.

Anyways, this post was intended to be much more articulate, but as I mentioned I have a very active baby and I shouldn’t sit here typing any longer because he is begging me to go out. Don’t wait until its too late to appreciate and love your body, try to look at yourself through the adoring eyes of your partner and kids.