Author: Bonnie (SOAM)

Disgusting Body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 12 Comments

I’m 18 years old. I have a five week old baby and he’s amazing I love him so much and he’s just made my life completely amazing! I look at him and I’ve never felt so happy he’s is genuinely the most beautiful baby boy!

Then there’s another part of my life when I’m on my own and I just sit on the bathroom floor and sob at what I look and feel like postpartum. I still weigh the same as I did when I was pregnant, a 2.5/3stone bigger than before, at 12 1/2 stone. Throughout my teenage years I hated myself, I was so insecure always wearing loads of clothes and feeling depressed about it, at about 15/16 I started to feel better about myself as I started meeting boys etc, at 17 I met my partner and he made me feel great! I’ve never felt so comfortable with anyone and I love him so much! I started to be ok with my body and maybe even liked it! This for me is amazing, at 18 I got pregnant and when pregnant although I felt a bit fat I could take comfort in what my body was doing for my baby boy and be happy about it. But after pregnancy I kind of expected it to just go back to normal, but it really didn’t, I didn’t even really look at myself in the mirror that much before or when I was pregnant and now I feel like id taken my body for granted because now I can’t even look in the mirror without hearing horrible thoughts. ” your disgusting, look at how much saggy fat you can grab.” “You can’t go out looking like that, your going to embarrass him, your fat.”
And it’s true I’m sure i do embarrass him, my partner, sometimes he says things that make me feel so terrible. Nothing really intentionally horrible but just remarks that he Dosent see my side of. I feel like he thinks if he makes me feel bad then I’ll work harder but it dosent work like tht and I jut feel worse. When I feel like this I just can’t eat and then I feel a bit better and have something quite healthy but then I feel like this again and stop eating. I try to exercise but It jut feels pointless, it dosent seem to help atall.

I feel like just as I was started to like my body I ruined it. I had a saggy, fat, flabby belly, an unlimited amount of stretch marks of my belly, hips, breasts, legs and the ones on my belly carry on a lot further down that i would like to admit as well. My breasts are a a bit saggy and I’m just all around fatter, big thighs, bum, really big hips ect. I’m on 5″1 and I have 36GG breasts and massive hips, so you can imagine how kinda strange I must look already and how hard it was to dress how I thought was nice. Now I have no idea what to wear. I feel like wearing big hoodies and joggers but just can’t. I made the mistake Of trying on my size 12 pre pregnancy jeans and couldn’t get them past my thighs and this made me feel disgusting! I can now only wear leggings like when I was pregnant, before that I had never worn when before that as I thought they showed too much, too fitted I guess, now I have no idea how to dress. I look horrible in everything and I’m so scared that my partner thinks I’m disgusting too. Went to a primary school today and I saw all these really young women with two kids who looked so skinny and gorgeous and I was younger, I guess I felt like I was supposed to be the younger skinnier one. Yet I looked like this. It’s so hard to feel good, this voice is always there telling me how disgusting I am, I still feel shocked when I see how horrible my body looks.

I just want to feel okay again, get rid of these stretch marks and all this fat. I want to feel like my boyfriends attracted to me again. I want to feel like me again not this sorry excuse for a women .

3 Months Postpartum, 5 Weeks Pregnant (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Second Pregnancy, Submissions 3 Comments

I’m 20 years old, young I know, and I got pregnant with my baby boy on my birthday haha I had a healthy pregnancy and it all went great. He was born May 24, 2015. Well after all of the after birth bleeding I got a regular period after 2 months had passed. Then the next month my period never came so I thought I was just adjusting to the changes. I did start worrying a little because me and the father weren’t being careful, so I took a pregnancy test and it came up negative, so I went to get on birth control 2 weeks later and the doctor told me that I was pregnant so we scheduled an ultrasound since I had no idea how far along I was. When it came time for my ultrasound all he could find was the sac.. he measured it and said I was 5 weeks along which honestly didn’t really add up cuz I figured I would have been like 8 weeks along but my body could still be messed up right? well I started having very light bleeding, no clots, mild cramps. Am I even pregnant?? Idk what to think or how to feel and my bf left me and I have no friends due to my bf so I have nobody to talk to..I need advice ladies please

Boy #4 (Shannon)

Bonnie (SOAM) Children with Health Complications, Four or More Pregnancies, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, VBAC 2 Comments

Previous post here.
Age – 29
Pregnancies – 5
Births – 3
PP – 9, 6, 2

Hello again everyone! For those not familiar with me, I have given birth to 3 boys so far. Connor would be 9 this month, he passed away when he was 19 months old. Liam is 6, and Emerson will be 2 this month. Right before I got pregnant with Emerson, I lost a baby when I was 7 weeks pregnant. I am now 22 weeks pregnant with my 4th and last baby, another boy! We are naming him Gavin Michael :) I would not call myself a person that likes to be pregnant. In fact, I hate being pregnant! I feel sick the whole time, I feel tired, and I get huge. I started this pregnancy weighing 150 lbs (at only 5’2′), since I had not lost all of my weight from Emerson. After I had Emerson, I did not have motivation to work out, so I didn’t. I very much regret that now! I am 22 weeks and I am up to 166 already. I ended my pregnancy with Liam and Emerson at around 180. After this baby I am planning to get into great shape again, and then get a tummy tuck. I know that I should embrace my loose skin, and I always said that I would not get a tummy tuck (especially after Connor passed away), but I have changed my mind. I just want to feel good in clothes again. Something I was worried about was losing my stretch marks…but since they go far above my belly button, I will keep a lot of them :) I will keep you all posted!

Pictures are Connor age 15 months, Liam age 6, Emerson age 22 months, Gavin, and me at 22 weeks :)

Skin tags and scarring on anus and perineum (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Hemorrhoids/Etc., Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions, Vulva/Vaginal Damage 10 Comments

My daughter was born 2 years ago. I was 30 at the time. Throughout my pregnancy I had hemorrhoids, which only got worse during delivery. I was so embarassed about them that I didn’t want my husband to watch the delivery. I made him stay in a chair near the head of the bed. I know that a lot of women get hemorrhoids, but no one talks about them, and mine must have been pretty bad, because the nurses made somewhat of a fuss about them (in front of my husband, which was mortifying to me).

Additionally I tore pretty badly, both inside my vagina and through my perineum, going down towards my anus. I had an epidural, so I didn’t feel any pain when it happened, but I was aware immediately after delivery when the doctor started stitching me up. I could feel him inserting his finger into my rectum to stabilize or push forward the back wall of my vagina while he did this. I asked him how many stitches I was getting, he said he hadn’t been keeping track.

The pain afterwards, when the epidural wore off, was quite bad, and I could barely walk to the bathroom for the first two days. Nevermind actually using the restroom. I couldn’t wipe for at least 2-3 weeks; I just used that squirt bottle that the hospital provides. Even six weeks out, at my first follow up appointment with the OBGyn, one of my stitches burst back open when she inserted the speculum and I was back to bleeding again for a couple days.

Now, two years later, my perineum and anus look nothing like they did before. The whole region is just one big mess of disgusting flaps and folds of excess skin and scar tissue. My anus itself is a gross collection of skin tags and folds, which blurs together with the extruded fold of excess skin where my perineum once was…and then you arrive at the opening to my vagina.

Then just inside the entrance to my vagina, when I insert my finger I feel all this firm, lumpy scar tissue (like pea-to-blueberry sized lumps). This is NOT what the inside of my vagina used to feel like. Before childbirth it had a soft, silky, smooth texture with folds — not lumps. This region of scar tissue is still painful during sex, and I can’t imagine that it feels good to my husband either.

The whole mess down there makes me so embarassed. My husband is a visual person who like the lights on. He also likes the doggy-style position — which gives him the perfect view of it all, which I can hardly stand.

If it were just the childbirth scar, it wouldn’t be so terrible, as that is a relatively socially acceptable thing to talk about. It’s the excess skin from the hemorrhoids, which no one talks about, that is more of a problem. And even then, that in itself even wouldn’t be so bad if it were localized to my anus. But instead, as I said, the whole mess just runs together so that I feel like my anus is right up against the opening to my vagina. I am so self conscious that I cannot enjoy oral sex, and it’s actually even worse to be touched down there with fingers, because I feel like you can’t even tell what’s what.

I have heard many people here say how their husbands have helped them to feel better about their bodies. I do not have that kind of a relationship with my husband. We have sex very infrequently due to ED and other issues, and my husband’s troubles are enough that there is really no room to rely on him to heal my own emotional baggage around this issue.

The Mid Drift Trailer is Here!

Bonnie (SOAM) Mid Drift Movement, News 0 Comment

middrift2

YOU GUYS. YOU GUYS. YOU. GUYS. This is gonna be so awesome. I wrote a little about it here, but the trailer was just released (in time for labor day! har!) so go check it out.

middrift

A few months ago, the mama in the picture above, contacted me and asked if I wanted to collaborate on this project. We talked on the phone a little bit and I loved what she had to say. Seems we share a lot of the same thoughts about mama bodies and how best to learn to love ourselves. To be clear, she and her husband are leading this project and I’ll just chip in where I can, but I’m thrilled to be even a small part of this.

From their GoFundMe page:

Mid Drift is a feature length documentary film about postpartum experience around the world. America’s obsession with “body after baby” is harmful and we want to shift the conversation to center on the incredible experiences and community surrounding motherhood.

We believe that, in order to change the conversation, we must learn from other cultures that are serving new mothers in a more positive way.

We plan to visit several countries from around the globe to discover how postpartum body image and experience varies among cultures and how it impacts their experience.

Basically, it’s going to be a documentary about mama bodies and how to learn to love yourself just as you are. I cannot wait! So go throw some money at this for me, okay? Let’s change the world together!

“Mama, You’re so Pretty” (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Submissions 6 Comments

This morning.

(Wake up, 5:18, ohgodwhymyalarmisn’tforhalfanhourpleaseletmesleepjustalittle)

Making breakfast, packing lunch, getting dressed, brewing coffee, queen of multitasking. Tick tock routine next step now what.

In the kitchen, slicing cucumbers and washing grapes, eggs scrambling on the stove, cooking in my slacks and bra because today’s shirt is still hanging in the laundry room, when my son says

My son

He says “Mama, you’re so pretty.” And he strokes his tiny hands across my hanging belly, battle scars bared, and he leans in and kisses it, rests his cheek on the bulge above my belly button, and whispers,
“I was a baby in there.”

My son is 4 years old, and he doesn’t know that I’m not pretty. And he doesn’t know that nobody wants to touch stretched out wrinkled up sagging old skin. He doesn’t know that his mama isn’t beautiful, or strong, or brave or smart or perfect.

Maybe he has a lot to teach me.

20 years old 9 week PP (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Prolapse, Submissions 6 Comments

Hi I am 20 years old and I gave birth 9 weeks ago. My baby boy was 7lbs 2 oz and I’m not sure if I have a prolapse or not but it is making me very insecure and hsvent had sex yet because of it. I did attach some pictures because I would like to know if it looks “normal” or if it does look like a prolapse. I really want to enjoy my baby but I can’t stop thinking about it :( I’m sorry the pictures look really nasty I tore on the sides.

082615-anon-6

(I’m posting the intimate photos via links below.)
Photo 1
Photo 2
Photo 3
Photo 4
Photo 5

My Story and Photos (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Four or More Pregnancies, Postpartum, Postpartum Psychosis, Submissions 1 Comment

Age: 26
# of children: 5

Hello, I have found this site so uplifting the last few days as I am struggling with my weight, again, after baby #5. I married the love of my life and my best friend when I was 18. We are getting ready to celebrate 8 beautiful, amazing, exciting, hard, wisdom-building years together! We had our first child when I was 20, a boy. After he was born I started having serious issues and was diagnosed with postpartum psychosis (another thing rarely ever talked about.) This was the most difficult time of my life. A time that’s supposed to be magical and beautiful and full of happiness, instead was marred by grief and confusion and pain. Only with the saving grace of my Lord and Saviour JESUS CHRIST did my family and I make it through this. And for the first time in my life I questioned my calling of motherhood. All I’d ever wanted was to marry the love of my life and have LOTS of babies, and after the time we had with the first I thought surely I’d gotten it wrong. Well, as usual, God laughed (in love, of course), and gave me another and another and another and another. And so, in the space of a little over 5 years, my husband and I were abundantly blessed with 5 beautiful sons! Yes, that’s right, all boys. No, none of them are twins. Yes they are all ours together. Yes, I know what causes that (and I like it ;)) And yes, we could have our own basketball team! (These are questions I’m asked and comments that are made every time we leave our house.) At first, I really hated all the staring we got, but eventually I realized our family was a rarity, and a badge of honor. I’m starting to see my fat and my stretch marks and my grey hairs and my cellulite as badges of honor too. If it weren’t for this body, none of my mini-men would be here. And if it weren’t for my mental war after #1, I wouldn’t be able to stand tall and say, ‘after that I can do anything.’ Every single person on this earth needs to know that there are much much worse things than being fat or ugly or too skinny or bony or soft or whatever has you down. I’d much rather be fat than mean or angry or selfish. The hardest person to love is yourself, but look at those beautiful babies YOU created and know that they don’t see what you see. Your littles see momma’s kisses, momma’s hugs, momma’s comfort, momma’s love. Your babies see you through God’s eyes, they do not care about your outside, just as God does not. What matters is your heart.

These are pictures of me at 2 months postpartum with baby #5. #4 and #5 were born 10 months apart. I now have 5 under 6

God Bless

Who’s This Person? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions 4 Comments

I’m 32 years old and 11 months postpartum from my second child (4th pregnancy), my oldest is 3. I don’t know how much weight I gained during my pregnancy but I know I ate far too much. McDonalds, chips, just writing it down disgusted me. I tried training and being nice with myself but it’s hard. I know my body went through a lot in short time so I tried to take easy but it’s hard. No matter what I do the weight won’t come off. Oh well, I have two kids who love my tummy!!!

I don’t know what happened to my breast but they’re completelly different sizes now and I think it’s the thing i’m most self conscious about. I always had small boobs but nw they’re sagging, and weirdly shaped. It’s hard looking in the mirror and not recognize the person who’s starting back at you.

I think all the women here are beautiful but I’m still looking for the beauty in myself.