A pain I would never wish on anyone. (Anonymous)

Age: 29

Number of pregnancies: 1

Number of births: 0

It’s very hard for me to write about my experience because I’m a very private person. That being said, I don’t know if my heart can withstand all the pain and sadness I’m feeling, so I figure it’s best to try and get it out.

I met my husband 10 years ago. We dated for a long time before getting engaged, and we were engaged for a long time before getting married. I really wanted kids right after we got married, but we waited because we wanted the timing to be such that we were more financially stable, more mature, more confidant in ourselves. We wanted to set ourselves up to be the best possible version of ourselves before we had a baby. It was hard waiting, but I was so excited when we finally felt ready.

What worried me about getting pregnant is my history of anorexia and bulimia. My self esteem, especially self image, is incredibly fragile and delicate. I am overcome with feelings of inadequacy about myself, my accomplishments, and my looks. I was worried what my body would look like after I had a baby, but then I was so angry at myself for feeling like this, and kept thinking that I would never let my future child see how much I struggled; how I would lay in bed and cry when I felt like I ate too much that day, or how I would work out at the gym until I felt physically sick to assuage my guilt for eating a hamburger or some ice cream. I couldn’t handle the thought of my future child learning to self loathe based on how they saw me treat myself.

January 2015 finally seemed like the right time to start. I work in healthcare, so I’m familiar with the do’s and don’ts of pregnancy. I started prenatal vitamins a full cycle before we started trying to conceive. Once we started trying, I cut caffeine down to one 8 oz cup a day. I stopped drinking. I was very careful about exposure to radiation in the workplace. I stopped using my face cream because it had a vitamin A derivative in it and I didn’t want to chance it. I worried about the sunscreen I was using and if the ingredients were potential endocrine disrupters for my developing baby. I washed my hands like crazy to minimize exposure to pathogens. I stopped eating deli meat. I even stopped green tea because I was afraid that my prenatal folic acid wouldn’t get absorbed properly, so I stuck to water. Whenever I went out to eat, I’d bug the servers and ask if the cheese they served is pasteurized.

After one month of trying to conceive, we got pregnant. I was so happy that it happened so quickly, and so scared, because all I could worry about was miscarriage. Scheduling my prenatal visit at 8 weeks seemed like forever. I stopped my one cup of coffee, stuck with my workouts at the gym as best I could (though exhaustion prevented me from running as much). Every day was constant fear of wiping and seeing blood, but I was always OK.

Until that first appointment.

My baby measured 2 weeks behind at 6 weeks when it should have been 8. My doctor was cautious and said things could go either way. There was a heartbeat, but he couldn’t measure it. He scheduled me for a follow up in a week. He also said my cervix was friable, so when I spotted dark brown the next few days, I didn’t worry because I figured the pap smear and the transvaginal ultrasound had irritated my cervix.

But then 4 days later, the spotting became heavier, and it was red. I went to my obgyn that morning and the baby still had a heartbeat, but it was slow. He still couldn’t measure it. The baby had grown over those few days, but the bleeding was a bad sign. He said I have an 80% chance of miscarriage.

So here I am today. It is the afternoon of the appointment where I was told my baby is almost certainly going to die. My heart hurts. My head hurts. Everything inside me hurts. It’s wrong to judge people, but I can’t help but feel angry at all the women I’ve seen throughout my career in healthcare who have so blatantly abused themselves and have had healthy babies. Women who have done meth, heroin, Percocet, and smoked while they were pregnant only to have healthy babies. I just wonder why my baby can’t be healthy when I have tried so hard to do everything “right.”

I don’t care if I get stretch marks or varicose veins. I don’t care about gaining weight now. I just want to meet my baby, to hold it and love it and hopefully teach it to love itself the way I never loved myself.

I hope things work out for me and my husband after this entire heartbreaking ordeal. Thank you so much for reading my story.

11 thoughts on “A pain I would never wish on anyone. (Anonymous)

  • Monday, March 16, 2015 at 10:01 am

    I am so sorry you are going through this, Anonymous. ((((Hugs!))))

  • Monday, March 16, 2015 at 10:10 am

    I’m so sorry and I hope that everything works out all right for you. I know it is a bleak and frightening time for you. When my son was born, we didn’t know if he would live for what felt like forever, and I felt completely isolated. Please know that you are not alone; please let the people who love you help to take care of you.

  • Tuesday, March 17, 2015 at 8:49 pm

    Oh sweetheart don’t lose hope! My first pregnancy was a miscarriage as well. I remember the terror of thinking “what if this means I can’t carry a baby?” I do not have a history of anorexia/bulimia but I can imagine the lies that come into your mind about that. Please don’t receive that shame that says you are broken. You are NOT broken. I got pregnant with my son a month and a half after my miscarriage and I was sick as a dog but celebrated because I knew that meant he was healthy. I now have two boys, 11 and 8, and I’m praying for health for you. I’m praying for you and your husband to have the family you’ve dreamed of, and for God to bless your marriage. Most of all right now I’m praying for comfort for your grieving heart. You are now a mama. A mama how has a wee little one in heaven. It is hard. We grieve with you.

  • Wednesday, March 18, 2015 at 10:34 am

    i´m so sorry about your loss. as someone else have said before, don´t lose hope. I´ve had 4 miscarriages, but i went to have a healthy baby and i´m now 16 weeks pregnant and everything is going great so far. my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 9 weeks after having seen the heartbeat at 6 weeks. it was the most terrible thing that had ever happened to me. i too was angry at all the women that didn´t take care of themselves enough during pregnancy, and i couldn´t stand close to any pregnant woman without starting to cry. the pain never goes away completely, but it gets much much better, i promise. just keep on trying when you feel ready again, and look for all the support you´ll need during these difficult months. i wish you all the best

  • Wednesday, March 18, 2015 at 11:23 am

    I am so sorry dear mama and I am sending love and hugs your way.
    It is okay to feel the pain and loss you are feeling but please do not get angry and compare your situation to any other woman’s. Just rest in the fact that you did all you could and all hope is not lost. Do not lose your determination to keep doing the right things.
    God will bless you.

  • Monday, March 23, 2015 at 1:52 am

    Oh my darling, my heart is crying for you. Your baby is going to the safest place, heaven and one day you can hold her/him in your arms but until that day, just breathe. Breathe in, breathe out. Don’t dwell on what is lost but what you gained. You gained love. You are a mother, even if you don’t get to hold the hand of your child, nothing will take that away from you.
    Hugs sweetie.

  • Tuesday, March 24, 2015 at 2:45 am

    I have been in your shoes. My first baby died in the womb at 5 months gestation. The second at about 6-8 weeks. I then had a beautiful full term baby boy, now 11. I then had another miscarriage. Pregnancy 5, almost lost my life because of complications. Yet when I had given up on another baby….a precious little girl was born. A total of 6 pregnancies, of which 4 were fetal demise. Hang in there your miracle will arrive.

  • Saturday, March 28, 2015 at 5:26 pm

    Im so sorry for what you have been through. Please remember that you are not alone. Im so glad to hear you are taking care of yourself. It will work out for you. Again im sorry. I wish i could tell you the right words to help you feel better but the truth is that you will find it inside yourself. Pain often exposes our truest strength. Please take good care. Sending you love and strenth.

  • Tuesday, April 21, 2015 at 4:45 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I know that no amount of words from anyone can make your heart hurt less but in time it’ll heal. My first baby was a miscarriage, I was blind-sided by it. I went to my 14 week check up, when my doctor couldn’t hear a heart beat and realized that I haven’t had an ultra sound, he sent me to the next town’s hospital, while there I wasn’t told anything by the nurse except go back to my doctor immediately when the ultrasound was done; well the longest 30 minutes of my life later my doctor sat me down and said “Jennifer, your fetus was non-viable at 12 weeks. I’m sorry”. My baby was dead inside of me for 2 weeks before my appointment. It took another week and half for him to come out. Now it’s 4 years later and I have a healthy beautiful baby girl, hold your head up everything will be ok.

  • Saturday, May 16, 2015 at 11:56 am

    I could have written this myself, certainly it’s what am trying to convey to people but you are more articulate than I. I also had a similar miscarriage, the baby weighed six weeks at 8 and six weeks around 11 weeks. There was a heartbeat, it was measurable because I was overseas and they have significantly higher tools. I had to wait like you to miscarry. It happened very suddenly, a sharp pain about where a c-section would be. This point in unfortunately where we differ. It felt exactly like pain of my first miscarriage and when I gave birth to my son. I have two children and have had two miscarriages. So I’m saying what you said about your body resonates with me, I know something of that sort of miscarriage experience but certainly it was not as emotionally painful as yours. Oh, while they could measure the heartrate it was very slow for the number of weeks.

  • Saturday, June 11, 2016 at 3:26 pm

    Wow, this totally breaks my heart because us humans take everything for granted and don’t realize the true value in things until it is too late. I really feel sorry for you and I hope and pray that you get your blessings from God! Just don’t give up! :( Stay strong….. miracles happen all the time. <3

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