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It all seems so petty (Kim)

Previous post here.

I had c-sections with my first two births (please see my previous posts). I wasn’t thrilled with the birth experiences, but I had living babies because of them. My 3rd child was born via successful vba2c. It was amazing to hold her right after she was born. My body was stretched a bit more, but still bounced back nicely. We bought a treadmill and I ran and ran and ran and got in to the best shape I’d been in in years. I was actually lighter than I’d been before I got pregnant with our first child. June 2013 I got pregnant for the fourth time. Something felt off the entire time – the baby didn’t bounce around like I was used to. At my 12 week dating ultrasound I left with a picture and something not sitting quite right in my brain – I STILL don’t know what was wrong, but something was. When I went in for my 18 week doctor appointment on September 13, 2013 there was no heartbeat. The baby had passed days before. I had a D&C at the abortion clinic because there was less waiting than at the hospital. I got back on the treadmill and ran and ran and ran until I was smaller than I’d been when I got pregnant so all evidence of that baby was gone. Except the heartache. And then I ate. And I gained back all the weight I’d lost after my 3rd child was born. It wasn’t much – only about 20lbs, but I was right back where I was when we’d started trying to conceive #4. And then I got pregnant with our 4th child. I was terrified. I distanced myself from her during the pregnancy. I didn’t want my heart broken again – how much grief can one person withstand? I’d joined some late loss groups after my loss and knew that nothing was certain. The moment that baby was born healthy, screaming, via another successful vba2c, my world was complete. My husband at my side – I was whole. We took a picture of our 4 babies in a chair together and felt whole. I had plans. To run. And run. And ignore the loose skin and the sagging boobs and to be in the best shape of my life so I could be healthy with my Ironman (triathlon) husband. And wear a bikini. But it still hasn’t gotten to that point. Baby is 4 weeks old now. 2 weeks ago my 33 year old husband had a major gut pain and went to the emergency room at the hospital. 2 weeks ago we found out my husband has stage 4 colon cancer. 2 weeks ago my husband had a giant tumor removed from his colon and gained a colostomy bag. 2 weeks of happiness, of pure bliss, was all this mother was allowed.

Right now the shape of this mother is broken. Scared. TERRIFIED. We have 4 kids 5 and under. I’m fortunate I don’t suffer from post partum depression because I’m enough of a mess. I don’t look in the mirror. What’s the point? My husband now poops in a bag. If he can deal with that, what’s a well used belly in comparison?! In one of my earlier posts I think I said something about worrying about our body shape being a first world problem. And it is. There are so, so many worse things to worry about, to have happen.

Love yourself the way you are ladies. You’re beautiful, you’re healthy, you’re alive.

~Age: 35
~Number of pregnancies and births: 5p/4b
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 5, 3, 2, 1 month

Update here.

in Cesarean, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions, Update, VBAC

7 comments… add one

  • Mina Tuesday, December 9, 2014, 12:31 pm

    Oh my goodness. I am not a religious person, but I am keeping you, your husband, and your children in my thoughts and holding you in my heart. I wish for the best possible outcome for your husband and your family.

  • Senga Wednesday, December 10, 2014, 3:59 am

    Wishing you, your husband and family strength and togetherness xxx

  • Susan Wednesday, December 10, 2014, 8:45 pm

    Kim, I am almost 39 with a 5, 4, 3, and 1.5 year old. My hubby had a health scare last summer, 2 weeks after the birth of our #4. I prayed and leaned on our support system, and still do to this day. Thankfully, my hubby’s health has not deteriorated, but who knows? I also suffered a miscarriage and am still trying to deal with the grief without feeling too selfish for seemingly not appreciating our 4 healthy little ones running around. Please know I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. You have a friend in PA, should you ever need or want to talk/vent. Wish I could give you a hug. Sending all the positive vibes I can to a fellow phenomenal momma.

  • Sarah Saturday, December 13, 2014, 4:15 pm

    Kim, I’m so sorry to hear your sad situation. I came to this website looking at what to expect after my first baby (due March 15th) and came across your story. I know you have probably considered all your options. I have heard that people have amazing results in healing their body naturally using things like Gerson Therapy. It’s definitely not easy but results I’ve read have been outstanding. Wishing you and your family all the best. Stay strong, miracles happen every day :)
    Xx

  • Tatiana Wednesday, January 7, 2015, 9:53 pm

    Kim, I am sorry to hear about your husband situation. I recently read some artickles from chrisbeatcancer.com and he healed his colon cancer naturally. May be some information from his site can help your husband?

  • Tash Tuesday, January 13, 2015, 12:58 am

    Kim, I cannot believe I came across your story.
    I am sitting in hospital with my husband, who 1 week before christmas fell on a garden stake damaging his bowel, liver, diaphragm and lung and almost lost his life. He now has a colostomy bag also, but his 3 daughters (4, 2 and 1) and I are so grateful he is alive. I am 18 weeks pregnant with our 4th and have spent the last 3 weeks at his bedside in another state where they sent him for his operations. It has been the hardest 3 weeks of my life, no Christmas, New Years or Birthday, but also without my girls, having only seen them once. My husband is awake now, and taking baby steps to recovery. We couldnt be happier, it is going to change our lives, we will always be grateful for what we have and the time we get with our family. Life is short and thank god this baby will get to meet their father, and thank god their dad is there to see the girls grow up! I wish you the very best! I hope this gives you a little comfort in knowing that there are other people going through what you are, dont give up! Take care

  • Shell Wednesday, January 14, 2015, 8:29 am

    your words brought me to tears. I know the pain you feel. the pain sometimes on earth is unbearable. may these painful moments be your only ones. you are brave. thank you for sharing you message is correct. it’s inside that counts.

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