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I have all the battle scars of carrying a child for 9 months, yet I am a childless mother. (Anonymous)

December 15, 2010

Age: 22
7 1/2 months postpartum
1 pregnancy

I found out i was pregnant on Aug. 5th 2009. I was 20 years old and my husband and I couldnt be anymore excited. Most of my life i had mange to stay skinny even though it was very much a struggle for me. Im 5′ 1″ and my average weight was always around 115 my lowest being around 102. After getting married i did get a little lazy and put on a lot of weight going up to 180. I began to work out and got down to 150 when i found out that I was pregnant. It was much a surprise since my husband and I hadnt used protection for about 2 years and were getting worried about not being able to conceive. On October 20th we found out that we were having a baby girl. At first i didnt gain too much weight or get very many stretchmarks but then at about 33 weeks I blew up and was coverd in strechies.
Friends and Family couldnt stop talking about how much weight i had gained. They would go on and on about how big of a baby I was going to have and how there was no way I would lose the weight after. I was even told by someone that I was just going to be fat and ugly afterwards and I should just get over ever being skinny and pretty. By the time I hit 38weeks I had gained a total of about 88lbs. My mom supported me through it all though and kept me confident that even though I did gain too much weight, that she knew how I’ve always been able to stay thin and that I would lose weight this time too.
As my due date approached I became overwhelmingly excited. I was so ready to have this little girl home with me. On Saturday March 27th 2010 My doctor sent me to the hospital to get monitored because my blood presure was a little high and I had been really swollen for quit sometime. He tried everything to find a good enough reason to induce me but he couldnt find one, so I was sent home. My doctor told me though that he would induce me for sure on wednesday. To my suprise on March 29th I went into labor on my own. I was exactly 38 weeks. I went to the hospital and was in lots of pain but so ready to do this and have my Daughter in my arms already, but something was wrong. They couldnt find my Daughters heartbeat.
Within an hour it was confirmed that my daughter had passed away. Her unbilical cord was wrapped around her neck. I felt as if my heart was litteraly ripped out of my chest. I have never nor will I ever feel so much pain. After 15 hrs of Labor I gave birth to my Beautiful Sleeping BabyGirl. She weight 5lbs 3oz. and was 17in. long. Yes, She was so tiny. She had tons of amazing black hair, long eye lashes and the most perfect little lips. She looked just like her daddy. Her funeral was on April 1st.
It was going to be hard enough having to lose so much weight but now I was so depressed I didnt want to get out of bed or even began to think about working out. I hated going anywhere. I always think that people look at me and think she is just fat because I have no child to explain that I was pregnant for 9 months and I did give birth to a baby. but eventually I began to work out again.
I’ve had major issues with my body my whole life. When I was 15 it was to the point that I would go days without eating. Now I couldnt even stand to look at myself. I had stretch marks on the back of my knees, my thighs, my stomach, my back, butt, hips, boobs, arms, just everywhere. I couldnt even attempt to where jeans. Nothing fit me right. I could only where stretch pants or sweats.
I have been working my butt off in the last 5 months. I started to see a difference and was happy. I knew my husband was a little put off by how heavy I am but I didnt think he had a major issue with it since he knew I was trying really hard to get it off. Untill recently when I found out he was cheating on me with a itty bitty skinny girl and then had the nerve to compare me to a barley 20 year old girl who has never had a child by saying “well when I seen her naked, I thought, My wife use to look this good but not anymore” If my self esteem wasnt already shattered it is now. Anyways I am currently seperated and proud to say that I have lost 65lbs so far. I weight 175lbs. and I’m not stoppin anytime soon. I excersie everyday and eat healthy. I still feel very disgusted with my body and dont think I will ever be able to be naked infront of a man again but atleast I can wear jeans now and little things like that im greatful for.

First photo: Pre pregnancy 2ndphoto: 7 weeks 3rdphoto: 38weeks 4thphoto: 2day PP 5thphoto: a little over 7mths PP

Updated here.

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21 Responses to “I have all the battle scars of carrying a child for 9 months, yet I am a childless mother. (Anonymous)”

  1. Kerry Says:
    December 15th, 2010 at 8:38 am

    Oh hun, I am sorry about your loss. Your daughter sounds so beautiful! I’m also sorry to hear what a jerk your husband is! I’m glad you’re sticking up for yourself and not staying in such a negative situation. I think your body is beautiful, and it’s sad that your husband cant see that. Like you I was also always thin and when I got pregnant I put on 60lbs, the same comments were made to me, I’m glad you are persevering and not letting them get you down. Keep pushing on mama! And I just wanted to add that some day you will be comfortable being naked in front of a man ;) it takes time, but it will come.

  2. Alicia Says:
    December 15th, 2010 at 9:09 am

    What a terrible, unfair, painful tragedy for you. I’m so sorry. Hugs to you, momma.

  3. Sarah P. Says:
    December 15th, 2010 at 9:41 am

    That’s just horrible. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I don’t know how I’d make it through that. I wish I could give you a hug right now!
    I think you look lovely, by the way. You really look very nice.
    Blessings! Thank you for sharing your story.

  4. Shannon Says:
    December 15th, 2010 at 9:58 am

    I am so sorry about your baby girl. I lost a child too, he was 19 months old. At least we have the marks to remind us of our babies. Try not to get down about your marks, instead, let them remind you of the 9 months you got to have your baby inside of you. Who cares what people think when they look at you? (BTW I am sure they think you look great!) You know you have a baby girl!
    I am sorry for the language, but you ex is an asshole..I hope you NEVER go back to him. Not only did he cheat on his beautiful wife who just carried his child…but he cheated on the mother who just lost her baby…he lost his baby too, sex should have been the LAST thing on his mind. You can do wayy better…
    You are beautiful, and remember, you ARE a mommy…your baby just lives with God.

  5. betheny Says:
    December 15th, 2010 at 11:14 am

    Wow your ex husband is jerk, and a shallow pile of poop!
    be happy he is gone, would you really want someone like that in your life, he was too immature to be in a serious relationship anyways, if he is cheating on you with some mini mouse type of woman.
    Your still young, you have alot of time to find a man or do what itis you want to do, i hope things work out ofr you, rememeber he is only one a million men out there…he isnt anything special. he will do the ame to the girl he was cheating with once she gains 10 pounds anyways, your free!

  6. Len Says:
    December 15th, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    You are a beautiful person inside and out. What a jerk your husband sounds. You have been through so much and you are still a surviver. My heart goes out to you for having to got through the worst possible thing and every parents worst nightmare.
    Please look at yourself in the mirror and stare deep into your eyes and know that you are loveable. strong and worthy.
    Peace be with you. xx

  7. Liz Says:
    December 15th, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    Ohmygosh… my heart aches for you. I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. Honestly, I can’t even begin to imagine what it has been like to walk in your shoes.

    You are SUCH a strong woman. I admire you.

    You did the right thing in separating from your ex-husband. He didn’t deserve you, truly. I hope you find deep peace from all of this.

    I don’t know your name and I don’t know you personally, but you’ll be in my prayers. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

    (psalms 90:12-17)

  8. Colleen Says:
    December 15th, 2010 at 9:45 pm

    I love your mom and hate all of those other people who are your “friends”. Who talks to a pregnant woman about how fat she’s getting?! Seriously? Could you be any more of a jerk?

    But I digress…you’ve lost 65 pounds in 7 1/2 months?! HOLY CRAP that’s amazing! I’ve been holding on to an extra 15 pounds for 16 months now, unable to lose it. You kick ass mama, and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.

    ALso, in your most recent picture, it actually looks like your skin seems to be keeping up with your tummy–not terribly saggy. I think that when you get to your goal weight you’ll be fairly surprised with yourself :)

    I have a friend that lost a baby last February, and somebody made her a necklace–angel wings with his birth (and death :( ) date on the back. She said it’s nice to always be able to wear something that reminds her of her son. You might want to consider something like that.

    Finally…your ex was such a jerk! A man–I mean BOY–like that doesn’t deserve an amazing woman like you. Some day a man who appreciates what real women–not almost-teenagers–look like (there are more of them than you’d think!), and he will think you’re the most beautiful woman ever. Stay strong, mama, you can do it!

  9. Ashley Says:
    December 15th, 2010 at 10:58 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss, and for the things your husband has said to you — he has no right to say those things to you, especially after the loss of your child. Don’t let him treat you like that, or talk down your achievement; it’s amazing that you’ve lost so much weight and taken such good care of yourself after such a hard time.

    Stay strong; you’re already there. Don’t let the terrible people in your life bring you down.

  10. Mary V Says:
    December 16th, 2010 at 7:32 am

    You are so beautiful, inside and out. So sorry for the loss of your daughter and all the pain you have been dealing with. I was so happy to read that through it all you were staying healthy, you are such a strong woman. Just because you gain a lot during pregnancy doesnt mean you are ugly, I hate that anyone even thought of saying that to you… keep on the healthy road, you will amaze yourself. I agree with a previous posting, it looks like your skin is firming right up, which is the hard part! I wont even bother writing about how your ex makes my blood boil, because it sounds like you were confident enough to remove yourself from that situation. Stay strong beautiful!

  11. laura Says:
    December 19th, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    I’m so so so sorry about your baby girl, your story has moved me to tears, how absolutely shattering for you. I have to say that if your ex is as weak and selfish as that, he doesn’t deserve you. You’ve been through so much and yet you have picked yourself up and carried on. You’re amazing and strong and you’ve made such progress. Keep going and don’t listen to negative comments. You’re beautiful inside and out!

  12. Josie Says:
    December 21st, 2010 at 5:55 pm

    You must be so strong to get something so trumatic like this. Im very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how hard it must be. Peace and love.

  13. laura Says:
    December 23rd, 2010 at 8:11 am

    you are an inspiration. When i look at your pics i see a sexy, strong woman. My stomach looks the same and it should be how you feel about yourself it sounds like your husband is a child and you need to move on. Your daughter will live on in memeories. take care

  14. d Says:
    January 9th, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    Honey, I am so sorry for your loss. There’s a really great community for bereaved parents at http://www.glowinthewoods.com if you need support. Please take care of yourself and surround yourself with as many loving, understanding people as you can.

  15. amanda Says:
    January 27th, 2011 at 11:05 pm

    I have a very similar story, carried my baby boy to term, and after a hard labor and botched delivery, he died 25 hours later :(
    It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, burying my first born son, something you never get over. It has been over 7 years since then, and God has blessed me with 2 more beautiful childen, my daughter is 6, my son is 4 months. I am not, nor will I ever be, even close to the same size I was before I got pregnant. I’ve almost come to terms with that. I’m so sorry for your loss, just know that you are not alone. Sending a cyber hug and prayers your way

  16. Robyn Says:
    January 28th, 2011 at 9:01 am

    keep up the amazing work, mama. I cannot imagine what you went thtough. Make that husband of yours eat his words :)

  17. earthdaymama Says:
    January 30th, 2011 at 6:00 am

    Oh mama, my heart goes out to you. Know that there are love vibes coming to you now! You are beautiful! It is so much easier to see it in others… I too am 5′ 2, 172#, and 9 mo pp.
    Please know that you deserve a man that respects & loves you, both inside and out. I hope that P.O.S. husband got a swift kick in the ass! It took a long time to find my love (31 was my first relationship that lasted more than 3 weeks) but worth the wait :) .

  18. Barb Says:
    February 1st, 2011 at 10:32 pm

    I’ve never been pregnant but felt that I had to comment on your story. I am so sorry your precious baby died. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are living with.

    Regarding your body, you are beautiful just the way you are. Actually, your body is very similar to mine (except that I think I am fat and you are beautiful). I have gained 30+ pounds from taking steroids to control my asthma. I always gain my weight in my stomach area, so I have stretch marks on my stomach and breasts. I also have rolls of back fat that are very uncomfortable and a big belly. I look pregnant. About 1-1/2 years ago, before the steroids, I weighed 110 pounds. Now I weight 143 pounds, and rising. I went through a very painful experience (nothing compared to yours) and was so traumatized that I began binge eating and can’t stop.

    I think that very few people are immune to weight gain. Almost all of us need to watch what we eat (I watch it go right into my mouth) and exercise (I used to be a ballerina – not right now; my only exercise is walking to the fridge).

    Your husband’s cheating must have been devistating especially since he chose a little tiny girl. (I’m waiting for mine to cheat because we haven’t had sex in about a year, due to my depression. If he cheats, I suppose I can’t blame him. Before I married him I had sex (I can’t call them affairs because it really was just sex) with married men. I chose married men because after we finished our business for the evening they went home and didn’t bug me. I didn’t want them hanging around. So if my husband cheats on me, I guess I will have reaped what I sowed. Karma.) Your husband may have cheated on you because he is unable to cope with his own grief, or maybe he cheated on you because he’s a jerk. The fact that he compared your body to that of a 20 year old female makes me believe that he may be a jerk.

    Losing 65 pounds is one heck of an accomplishment. I commend you for that and believe that you should be very proud of yourself. I cannot even control how much food I stuff into my mouth. Regarding your separation, it may be the best thing for you (don’t you have when people say that?). I am on my second marriage. Marriage #1 lasted 5 years. After that I remained single (with just my married men for entertainment) for 13 years. My second, current, marriage is going on 7 years. He is a wonderful man. You never know what is waiting around the corner for you. Sometimes that corner is REALLY far away (like for me – 13 years of waiting for the right man) and all you can do is hang on and try to get through the day. But I believe good things will come to you and you will someday be happy. Case in point:I live in Detroit. My husband is from Montreal, Quebec, Canada. He was laid off in 1998 or 1999, while living in Quebec. He was unable to find a good paying job for several years and he lost just about everything thing he had. He was invited to work in the U.S. several times because he possesses a skill that is in high demand. He always refused because Montreal was his home and he didn’t speak English (French is his native language). Finally he gave up trying to find a job in Quebec and he came to the U.S. He worked in several states before I met him in 2003. We married in 2004.

    Now, seriously, what are the chances of us meeting? If he’d had any choice in the matter he would never have come to the U.S. He suffered in Quebec while unemployed and it took a lot of courage for him to come here, not evening being able to speak the language. I had remained single for 13 years because my first husband brutally abused me. The marriage lasted 5 years only because it took me that long to decide that such a life wasn’t worth living. If he killed me for leaving him I was better off dead. Death was preferable to a life with him. I lost all of my property except for my clothes. He got the bank account, the house, the cars, the boat, etc. He wanted it and I let him have it. Material things were not worth dying for. So, like my 2nd husband, I lost everything, including my sense of safety.

    My second husband and I went through years of suffering before we met. I never believed I would ever marry again, but 7 days after I met him I knew I was going to marry him

    What you are going through is very difficult and words do not exist to accurately describe the depth of your pain. But… it may be possible that this is something you need to go through, to learn and/or grow, to help you grow into the person you need to be so you are ready when you meet the person who will be your lifelong partner. And your lifelong partner may not yet be ready for you. He may have his own lessons to learn before he can become the person he needs to be.

    Regarding your precious daughter. She will always live in your heart. I don’t know what your beliefs are, but I would like to share with you something a Buddhist monk wrote about his mother. Before he was born his mother endured a pregnancy and miscarriage. Buddhists believe in reincarnation and he often wondered whether his mother’s first pregnancy was him. He wondered if maybe the time wasn’t right for him, or perhaps it wasn’t right for his mother, so he aborted. A few years later he was born. You can believe that your beautiful daughter is in God’s care, in the special part of Heaven He reserves for His babies (He loves them too – that’s why He created them) and will be waiting for you when you go to Heaven. You can also believe she is in God’s special part of Heaven watching you and waiting for the time to be right for you to give birth to her. Either way the bond between you will never be broken.

    I’m sorry for the excessive length of this comment. I hope that it helps you.

  19. L Says:
    February 2nd, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    Im so sorry for your loss. You are beautiful though and we all sacrafice so much to bring life in to this world. Some dont gain alot of weight and dont get stretch marks but the majority of women do. Finding this site makes me realize that I thought I was the only one that had stretchies. Cause most women around me dont have them my mom did but she passed away. Anyway, I started around 185 after my son and daughters pregnacys and tummy was big also. 2.5 yrs pp from my youngest I am down 50pounds. It may take awhile in my case about a year but hard work and determination pay off. It just takes time. You will one day find someone who will cherish you for you and not what your body looks like. That is not a womans worth. your ex was a jerk and Im glad you are not together because you dont deserve that. Nobody does. its his loss of a gorgeous wife. i agree with previous poster who and sex should have been the last thing on his mind. . . anyway your beautiful and strong!!!

  20. Christa Says:
    April 25th, 2011 at 12:34 am

    I am so truly sorry for your loss. My sister has just lost her baby girl, the same way you did.
    There is nothing that can be said but, I’m sorry.

    From what my sister has said, something stuck out to me that I found rather empowering. I asked her how she was doing because I heard she was struggling with her tummy and she just said “well… it’s the marks of a woman”. It just threw me because so soon (only 3 weeks) after the loss, she feels that her daughter left her those marks and I don’t think she “minds”. Maybe if would help if you thought of it in that sort of way? I know, no one likes them – but maybe thinking of it as your “forever marks” from your little angel might help how you look at them? Although, that could take alot of time and that’s ok too!
    And as for your ex, I’m very sorry for that. I know it probably isn’t what you want to hear but I think you are beautiful and CONGRATUALTIONS ON YOUR WEIGHT LOSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I certainly feel men are idiots and if he was too stupid to see how unbelievable you are and he cheated on you, especially after you carried his(and your) baby, he is just NOT worth it! There are good men out there and I pray that your knight comes because he will treat you the way you DESERVE to be treated!

  21. Daniela Says:
    January 31st, 2013 at 7:44 pm

    You are an amazingly strong woman! I am so sorry for your loss…I don’t know if I could even deal with such a tragedy. And looking at your photos I can see a huge difference already and you should be so proud of all the weight loss. I know its hard because when I look at myself in the mirror all I can see are my stretch marks and saggy skin, and I can’t help but compare myself to my pre-baby body. Its tough but you are on the right track and so strong and beautiful… screw your ex!!! He doesn’t know how to appreciate what he had. His loss

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