age of children: 2 and 1 (on june 29th)
I’ve been reading stories here on TSOAM for awhile now. And I have finally gotten the courage to write the self-image struggle I am going through right now.
I was raised by a materialistic mother where looks, glamour, and fashion were a priority.
I was the tomboy type. Hair in a pony tail, wearing comfortable clothes, care-free of what the world saw me as. That was my attitude through my high school years. I didn’t care what people thought of me. If they wanted to judge me by my looks, fine.
I was also “realistic” when it came down to looks. My mom always told me I was too fat and ugly.
I didn’t think I was TOO fat. I would say I was a bit thick, but not fat.
In terms of being ugly, I don’t know…I had my pretty days, I had my ugly days, but boys have told me I was cute. I would say I’m just average.
I didn’t let my mom bring my confidence and self-esteem down. But it was an everyday hobby of hers.
“You’re so fat.”
“I can’t believe you’re my daughter.”
“Why couldn’t you look more like your sister?”
“Do you always have to wear those jeans?”
“When are you going to start wearing make-up?”
“You know you’re ugly, right?”
I’m 4’11” and I never went past 120 and never below 100 but mostly stayed at 105-110.
(My weight fluctuated A LOT because I’m a terrible picky eater..so it was always famine or feast with me)
Well, I got pregnant when I was 19 with my first child and I was clueless. I didn’t know anything. Literally.
So I just lied around the house, eating whatever I wanted but never exercised (and I was work-out-aholic), thinking that’s what pregnant girls did (so naïve, I know). I ended up gaining 67 pounds but my doctor said I was healthy and so was my baby girl.
After giving birth I dropped to 140-145 but 3-4 months later, I got pregnant again with my second.
During those first three months however, my self-esteem was at an all time low.
Ladies at my church don’t even look fat. They are model skinny.
Seeing them so skinny, even after having three kids, made me feel depressed.
My mom hounding at me about how hideous I looked wasn’t exactly helpful either.
I got stretch marks on my calves, ALL AROUND my thighs, my stomach, and my hips. EVERYWHERE.
And it was hard to adjust seeing bright, red wrinkly lines on my skin that was once smooth and soft.
It was even more difficult seeing my stomach. My mom was right…I am hideous.
Through that depression, I found out I was pregnant.
I pushed my self-pity aside and tried to be as happy as I could.
But this time, I educated myself about pregnancy.
That’s when I found out that exercising is a healthy part of pregnancy.
I started a workout routine right away, determined to not gain 50+ pounds again.
This time, I gained 15 pounds.
And after giving birth to another beautiful baby girl, I weighed 135.
Seeing that weight drop brought on a lot more depression.
I was happy I lost more weight than I did with my first pregnancy, but it was because of exactly THAT, that got me depressed.
Why didn’t I learn about pregnancy before instead of just getting by other people’s advices (whom never mentioned exercising…)
I could have gained 15-20 pounds the first time and maybe I wouldn’t be so fat right now. I wouldn’t have so many stretch marks. My baby would be healthier. I had the worst baby blues, it was at the point where I was contemplating suicide. But I never told my doctor…I don’t believe in medication if I don’t think it’s necessary.
My oldest is now two and my second will be one in a couple weeks.
I am happy for the most part. As in, I am happy when I don’t see myself in the mirror.
When I do, I’m hit with that regret of not controlling my weight my first pregnancy.
I’m hit with depression all over again because I let myself get so fat.
My husband tells me I am beautiful..but I just don’t believe it. (Side effect from my mom’s raising..I can’t ever accept compliments on my looks..)
I love my baby girls, they are hilarious and beautiful. My husband is always supportive and loving.
I just wish I can be confident again.
Or at least just…comfortable in my own skin again…
pic 1: side view of my post partum tummy
pic 2: front view of my post partum body
pic 3: post partum breast and tummy
pic 4: holding in my tummy- I wouldn’t mind looking like this