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I Feel Hideous (Anonymous)

July 26, 2011

age: 22
pregnancies:2
births: 2
age of children: 2 and 1 (on june 29th)

I’ve been reading stories here on TSOAM for awhile now. And I have finally gotten the courage to write the self-image struggle I am going through right now.

I was raised by a materialistic mother where looks, glamour, and fashion were a priority.

I was the tomboy type. Hair in a pony tail, wearing comfortable clothes, care-free of what the world saw me as. That was my attitude through my high school years. I didn’t care what people thought of me. If they wanted to judge me by my looks, fine.

I was also “realistic” when it came down to looks. My mom always told me I was too fat and ugly.

I didn’t think I was TOO fat. I would say I was a bit thick, but not fat.

In terms of being ugly, I don’t know…I had my pretty days, I had my ugly days, but boys have told me I was cute. I would say I’m just average.

I didn’t let my mom bring my confidence and self-esteem down. But it was an everyday hobby of hers.

“You’re so fat.”

“I can’t believe you’re my daughter.”

“Why couldn’t you look more like your sister?”

“Do you always have to wear those jeans?”

“When are you going to start wearing make-up?”

“You know you’re ugly, right?”

I’m 4’11” and I never went past 120 and never below 100 but mostly stayed at 105-110.

(My weight fluctuated A LOT because I’m a terrible picky eater..so it was always famine or feast with me)

Well, I got pregnant when I was 19 with my first child and I was clueless. I didn’t know anything. Literally.

So I just lied around the house, eating whatever I wanted but never exercised (and I was work-out-aholic), thinking that’s what pregnant girls did (so naïve, I know). I ended up gaining 67 pounds but my doctor said I was healthy and so was my baby girl.

After giving birth I dropped to 140-145 but 3-4 months later, I got pregnant again with my second.

During those first three months however, my self-esteem was at an all time low.

Ladies at my church don’t even look fat. They are model skinny.

Seeing them so skinny, even after having three kids, made me feel depressed.

My mom hounding at me about how hideous I looked wasn’t exactly helpful either.

I got stretch marks on my calves, ALL AROUND my thighs, my stomach, and my hips. EVERYWHERE.

And it was hard to adjust seeing bright, red wrinkly lines on my skin that was once smooth and soft.

It was even more difficult seeing my stomach. My mom was right…I am hideous.

Through that depression, I found out I was pregnant.

I pushed my self-pity aside and tried to be as happy as I could.

But this time, I educated myself about pregnancy.

That’s when I found out that exercising is a healthy part of pregnancy.

I started a workout routine right away, determined to not gain 50+ pounds again.

This time, I gained 15 pounds.

And after giving birth to another beautiful baby girl, I weighed 135.

Seeing that weight drop brought on a lot more depression.

I was happy I lost more weight than I did with my first pregnancy, but it was because of exactly THAT, that got me depressed.

Why didn’t I learn about pregnancy before instead of just getting by other people’s advices (whom never mentioned exercising…)

I could have gained 15-20 pounds the first time and maybe I wouldn’t be so fat right now. I wouldn’t have so many stretch marks. My baby would be healthier. I had the worst baby blues, it was at the point where I was contemplating suicide. But I never told my doctor…I don’t believe in medication if I don’t think it’s necessary.

My oldest is now two and my second will be one in a couple weeks.

I am happy for the most part. As in, I am happy when I don’t see myself in the mirror.

When I do, I’m hit with that regret of not controlling my weight my first pregnancy.

I’m hit with depression all over again because I let myself get so fat.

My husband tells me I am beautiful..but I just don’t believe it. (Side effect from my mom’s raising..I can’t ever accept compliments on my looks..)

I love my baby girls, they are hilarious and beautiful. My husband is always supportive and loving.

I just wish I can be confident again.

Or at least just…comfortable in my own skin again…

pic 1: side view of my post partum tummy
pic 2: front view of my post partum body
pic 3: post partum breast and tummy
pic 4: holding in my tummy- I wouldn’t mind looking like this

Updated here.

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22 Responses to “I Feel Hideous (Anonymous)”

  1. Mary V Says:
    July 26th, 2011 at 9:24 am

    You look awesome!!!!! Look how wonderful your breasts are!!! I totally know how you feel about your pregnancies, my first I didnt read anything and just got lazy so I gained 70 lbs, with my second I worked out and took care of myself and I always think the what if I would have just talked to people about pregnancy or read some books and educated myself…. bla bla bla.
    We can never turn back time, and I feel like maybe there is a lot to be learned from having my body change this way. I started school, and have been working on my inner beauty :) Its much more rewarding! Keep your head up and appreciate your beautiful body!

  2. amber Says:
    July 26th, 2011 at 9:29 am

    GIRL YOU LOOK GREAT!! a little cardio and that mommy apron will be gone!! did you have a c section?

    i posted blessed and tortured – i WISH my skin was as smooth as yours… but i love me and my mommy belly…

    Love yourself! you are beautiful!

  3. Mommyto4boys Says:
    July 26th, 2011 at 11:06 am

    WOW! You look amazing! I don’t think your weight/body is the problem at all! Your breasts are lovely. I think you need to get away from your mom’s negativity and stop her voice in your head, telling you you’re not good enough. Lean on your husband- he’s right. You are beautiful and he loves you. Appreciate your strong and wonderful body for giving you two beautiful girls!!!

  4. mjs Says:
    July 26th, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    were body twins hehe!! except ive got luv handles and ten times more stretchies than you! you look awesome i think most moms have the mommy apron… just had my third baby and finally “like” my body i need to lose 35-40lbs to “love” it again tho… i agree with doing things diff the 1st time i wudnt have gained as much either.. your not alone :) *hugs*

  5. me Says:
    July 26th, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    well i am one of the model types after birth you speak of, and my opinion is your mom is crazy, your not fat at all…wow, she needs glasses.

  6. Melissa Says:
    July 26th, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    You look awesome girl! I commend you on posting, I think that that is the hardest thing to do is to admit that you do have self-esteem issues, because it’s so easy to put on a face and say “I don’t care” when in actuality we all do in the beginning.

    Give yourself some time. Stretchmarks are more based on genetics, and girl you have flawless skin! My tummy looks like it was raked by a lion! lol But I don’t mind, they are starting to fade.

    Just remember every time you hear mom’s voice in the back of your head tearing you down, look at your babies, and realize that there is so much more to beauty than physical appearance. We can fix physical appearance if it’s really important to us, but you really can’t fix an ugly personality. 90% of beauty is how we see ourselves, and how we interact with the world. It’s our personalities, hobbies, and interests. :) You are beautiful, you should listen to that husband of yours!

  7. Colleen Says:
    July 26th, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    You have a lovely shape! This is going to be the most awkward comment I’ve ever made on here but you look like you’d be awesome to cuddle with (lol. I really can’t think of any other way to put that). You have a beautiful curvy shape that says “I am woman, here me roar!”

    My mother gained ~70 pounds with her pregnancies. I was 13 before she got back to her pre-pregnancy weight, but that was simply because she hadn’t really tried before (she also went through hell with her thyroid for a few years). And you know what? When I was 21, she rocked a bikini at my sister’s beach wedding. I was so proud of her! You CAN lose the weight, you just have to be in a place where you are ready and willing to make the effort.

    Your mother did you a great disservice by teaching you that you’re never good enough. You have a beautiful shape that your husband obviously finds sexy or you wouldn’t have those two little ones! I really hope you can learn to see the beauty in yourself so that your babies can grow up with a mother who loves herself instead of forcing her insecurities onto her daughters.

  8. Dee Says:
    July 26th, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    So jealous of your boobies! After my daughter my tits just shriveled up. I went from voluptuous 34C’s to barely filling out a 32A. They’re still perky, but adjusting to a much smaller chest has been my biggest body struggle.

    Exercise, exercise, exercise. Your tummy is definitely something you can get rid of if you want to. Taking a 20 minute walk or hitting the gym when you get the chance really makes the difference. Along with eating well. Starting out small and making little changes is the best way to go about it, I think.

    But you have every reason to be confident right now! Your body is beautiful!

  9. Izzy Says:
    July 26th, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    Wow I was expecting to see someone a little bit more on the heavy side..you look fabulous, and I’m not just saying that..I have one baby and I don’t look half as good as you. You have a beautiful mommy body embrace it and enjoy your two wonderful babys :)

  10. kc Says:
    July 26th, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    I agree, you have awesome boobs. Mine are SO screwed up from stretch marks and nursing! UGH. My story was sent in and should be up next week or the week after. Look at my boobs and you will feel MUCH better about youself! lol

  11. taiyo Says:
    July 26th, 2011 at 9:19 pm

    I am so sorry that your mother treated was so hard on you growing up, and continues to be. That is so damaging, and I think it’s amazing that you have been so strong and resilient. Also, you look AMAZING. Gorgeous. Perfect. I hope you can someday see that in yourself.

  12. anita Says:
    July 26th, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    You’re so beautiful!! What you have done is amazing. Don’t be hard on yourself for what you didn’t know– celebrate all you have learned and how far you’ve come. Because you know what? You Are Not Alone!! NO one is born knowing how to “do pregnancy right.” We *all* have to learn– either from supportive moms and doctors and midwives, or from friends or from experience. You are so brave and smart– that’s the truth. You are young and will go far. It’s hard when they are so young, but even now, with my girls at 4 and 2, I can see how much easier it gets. Hang in there, mama!

  13. Stacy Says:
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:14 am

    You look fucking amazing! As hard as it sounds, and I don’t mean to simplify the trauma your mother left you to deal with; you must disassociate from her perspectives. You are not her views. She had trauma too that lead her to hold more shallow and unhealthy views on herself and the bodies of others. Self worth is obviously much more than the body. Discover your own truth and your own beauty. Listen to your husband.

  14. Lola Says:
    July 27th, 2011 at 1:30 am

    Your body is beautiful. I hate that we must compare it to something that is supposed to be beautiful. Why can’t your belly be the ideal over a flat one? I think your is better looking than a skinny models. I had 2 c-sections so my dough roll will not come up unless i get a tummy tuck which i would feel like such a hypocrite doing! i think im sexy and if the rest of the world can’t figure out that this is what beauty looks like oh well. you have really great skin. Im sorry your mom was such a witch. I have a thick beautiful daughter and i would never call her ugly. No one deserves to be called that by their own mother that is insane.

  15. rachel Says:
    July 27th, 2011 at 2:13 am

    Don’t sweat it girl!!!
    Stretch marks don’t have anything to do with the ‘amount’ of weight you gain…..I only gained 20LBs with my first but am covered in them. My friend gained 70LB and doesn’t have any!!!
    x

  16. Kayla Says:
    July 27th, 2011 at 6:58 am

    I am sorry, but I would really like to slap your mom in the face. YOU are BEAUTIFUL! You talk about yourself as if you are scary to look at. You should walk around with your head held high. Tell your mother to shut her mouth. If she doesn’t have something nice to say to you don’t say it at all. As mothers, we are supposed to instill confidence in our children. I promised myself I would for my daughter and I can’t imagine putting her down! She is an insecure woman and feels like she needs to put you down because of her own self hatred. Don’t let it get you down!

    Just start looking at the positives of your body. Let me point them out to you so you can later look at them through the eyes of a stranger and see that you are beautiful… You have really nice breasts! They don’t even look like you had children at all! You have a gorgeous womanly shape to your body that you should be proud of. Your skin looks tight and smooth all around. I have only had one child and your skin is tighter than mine! You have given birth to 2 beautiful babies, and so close together! I wish you would have shown a picture of your face so I could point out your facial beauty as well. It makes me so sick to hear that your mother said those things to you. Look in the mirror, get her voice out of your head, and look at yourself. Find what you LIKE and tell yourself you are beautiful. Because you are.

  17. christina Says:
    July 27th, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    It will not help to dwell on the “if only I knew then what I know now” part. So just do what you can now to feel better about yourself again. Regret accomplishes nothing. You’ll get your body back if you want to enough. It will take time and work, but it will happen.

  18. becky Says:
    July 28th, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    Wow reading how you are put down about your body seriously pisses me off!!!! You body no lie hands down is off the hook!! Your breast look absoutly perfect and your tummy you would have thought you gained that much weight with your first pregnancy. I wonder if most women on here thinks when people write ( oh your body is beautiful) do they really beleive. Well from the bottom of my heat your look really good. We are not stick figure model women. Your lovely

  19. ana Says:
    August 2nd, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    Sometimes the marks appear no matter how little weight you gain. I only gained 30 lbs which is the average that is recommended for someone with my BMI. My belly is covered with stretch marks.

  20. chris Says:
    August 5th, 2011 at 8:05 am

    “I feel…”,

    I back your husband and the ladies above, You ARE a VERY BEAUTIFUL Woman!!!! Harsh words from our parents can be the hardest thing to put in the past so that we can move on to the future. Please, PLEASE put your mom’s harsh words in the past, where they belong. (Though should have never been said at all.)

    Today embrace who you are… a STRONG, CONFIDENT, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN…. “But why?” might you ask. Because you are the above and so much more. By embracing your strength, confidence, and beauty you will be a positive role model for your girls. You want to give your daughters the best. Well, my lady, You ARE the BEST. YOU are Their mom and YOU ROCK!!! Carpe Diem and give nothing back!!

  21. corey Says:
    December 20th, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    youre beautiful

  22. Michelle Says:
    January 17th, 2012 at 10:36 pm

    I have to same body type as you do…I was 140 when I got pregnant and only got up to 170…if that tells you anything! I’m telling you we have matching bellies, the little mom pouch and everything! You may have gained more weight the first time, but that doesn’t mean your belly or your baby would have been smaller if you had worked out!! You look great! Looking at your pictures make me feel good too because I know I look just like that!

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