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Feeling better about my body (George)

October 22, 2009

Age: 26
3 pregnancies, 1st was a extremely preamture vaginal birth, 2nd was a catastrophic c-section, 3rd one I lost.
My first girl should’ve been 9 years old now, she died almost 6 weeks old. My second girl is soon 6 years old, and I just lost my third child in the first trimester 3 weeks ago.

Because of this page, and all you wonderful mamas, I’m feeling better about my body.
Before I saw all the gorgeous pictures here, I was feeling quite bad about myself. Particularly my belly and c-section scar.

I had my first child just over 9 years ago, vaginal birth, but in week 23, she was 17.5 oz and 11.9 inches. Traumatic and dramatic birth, and I watched them work on her after she was out, intubate her etc. She lived for almost 6 weeks before she couldn’t go on anymore, due to critical and serious illnesses. Long, heartbraking weeks in the NICU with a very sick baby who was in pain a lot.
Loosing her was the total loss. I still wake at night because every cell in my body is screaming for her, screaming that one of the people I loved the most is gone. I miss her more than words can say. The pain and grief vibrates with amplifiers in my bone marrow.Still.
She is with me in my heart and thoughts every day. I love her more than anything.

My second child was born 6 years ago in november. She was born in week 30. That was a catastrophic c-section. She was out less than 10 minutes after I woke up bleeding heavily. She wasn’t breathing and didn’t have a heart rate when born. My placenta had ruptured totally. But they managed to bring her back to me. I am so greatful for that, every day. She was 2.6 lbs and 15.8 inches. I was very sick with HELLP-syndrome, and luckily in the hospital when this happened, or she wouldn’t have made it.
That was a very dramatic and traumatic birth, again. This time though, I was so sick, and lost so much blood, I almost died too.
We were both very critical the first few days.
I didn’t get to see my baby until she was 40 hours old. I don’t even have the words to describe the pain in that.
She pulled through, came home after 7 weeks in the NICU. The next few years she struggled with a lot, they were filled with illness, hospitals, tests, doctors, meds etc.
But she’s doing great now.
My joy and pride, my beautiful, amazing, strong, miracle-girl. I love her more than anything.

Then I got pregnant again, and I was very happy about that. But this time, I lost my child, just three weeks ago, in the first trimester. I am sure she was a third girl. I’ve never felt so empty in my life, this emptiness is filling me up. I didn’t know that a loss like this could be so terrible, so painful.
I dreamed last night, that my baby was gone, and even in my sleep the pain was so real and so overwhelming.
I’m scared I wont be able to carry more babies.
I wanted this baby with all my heart. I miss her so terribly much.

So, that’s my story, longer than I thought it would be.
My contribution to the page.
It is kinda scary this, putting yourself out there like that.
But I’m hoping others can feel better from looking at this page too, so I’m going to do it.
Best wishes to all the beautiful mamas out there, and thanks a lot for this page!

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16 Responses to “Feeling better about my body (George)”

  1. Amanda Says:
    October 22nd, 2009 at 11:34 am

    I think this is one of the saddest things I’ve read. I’m sorry seems like the understatement of the century, but I am so sorry for the tragedies you’ve been through. What an amazing woman you are. And how lucky your daughter is to have such a pillar of strength and love to look up to. Everything happens for a reason. It’s such a cliche, but it’s the truest thing I’ve ever known. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are amazing, and you are beautiful.

  2. Kaitlyn Says:
    October 22nd, 2009 at 11:39 am

    Your doing great!!! i would love to see more updated pictures of you too!! keep up the hard work! u have a very beautiful body

  3. Kate C Says:
    October 22nd, 2009 at 11:44 am

    Your story is truly amazing. I actually cried reading it, as I can’t imagine the pain you have gone through. The thought alone of every losing my daughter (she is 11 months old) makes me feel like I could never go on. If she were to die, I would die with her.
    You are an amazing woman for having the strength to get through all of that pain and hardship.
    And your pictures are absolutely beautiful.

  4. Tinia Says:
    October 22nd, 2009 at 12:01 pm

    Your story is very touching and deeply sad. I am so glad you have it out here because I know it will help mothers who have gone through the loss of a child!

  5. shannon Says:
    October 22nd, 2009 at 12:22 pm

    I am sooo sorry about your baby girls…..my son Connor passed away when he was 19 months old…I know what you are going through. He had a lot of pain too, trach to breath, feeding tube, tarsorrophy (had to have his eyes stitched shut almost completely bc they were too prominent)…but he was still sooo happy and smiling! Now our babies are healthy and happy in Heaven. You look beautiful by the way.

  6. dee Says:
    October 22nd, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    mmm…your stomach looks awesome ill trade ya :)

    at least you can wear a bikini…

  7. Nichole Says:
    October 22nd, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Your story is so inspirering it has brought me to tears, and your body looks great!

  8. lisa Says:
    October 22nd, 2009 at 1:46 pm

    i am so sorry for your losses, and so very happy that you have your 2nd daughter with you. i had 23 weeker twins in 2003. one of my daughters was stillborn, and my survivor spent 4 months in the NICU. i know what you mean about every cell in your body aching for the one(s) that are not there. i am glad to hear that you rejoice so much in your surviving daughter. i will pray that if you try again God will see the little one through to a healthy full term birth. good luck to you!

  9. Susy Says:
    October 22nd, 2009 at 8:18 pm

    You are so strong, and you look amazing.

  10. holly Says:
    October 22nd, 2009 at 9:47 pm

    think of your scar as a badge of courage. sorry for your losses. (((hugs)))

  11. Elizabeth Says:
    October 23rd, 2009 at 12:07 am

    I am so very very sorry. :’(

  12. Kristen Says:
    October 26th, 2009 at 9:08 am

    I knew I had a miscarriage when I had a terribly morbid dream. Everyone in my dream was dying except for one lady. She had the name Arden in my dream. The very next day I met a lady named Arden. I believe God was trying to comfort me with that dream and that not so coincidental meeting. This child wasn’t going to live long enough for me to name, but He had named her. The name comes from the word ardent and it means passionately devoted, eager, enthusiastic. God has comfort for you as well. And, it is okay to grieve. With all that you have been through, I hope and pray that you have a good support system. Seek help if you need it. You have been through a lot these last few years.

  13. maggie Says:
    October 26th, 2009 at 9:20 am

    there are so many stories on here of GIRLS who are pregnant, and I am just wondering what is going on that this is a common occurance now? babies and hospital bills are so expensive right now — to be so young and to have gone through what you have and to still have hope and be an active mother for your daughter must be terribly hard work, on top of coping with the tragedies and traumas in your life. You must be very strong for your age.

  14. Janette Says:
    October 28th, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    I am terribly sorry for your loss. Take comfort in knowing that one day you’ll meet with your little girls in heaven and nothing — nothing can ever separate you again.

  15. Ange Says:
    November 2nd, 2009 at 9:33 pm

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I can not even begin to imagine the pain you are going through.
    Have hope.

    On a more positive note, You have a wonderful waistline by the way!

  16. Sarah Says:
    November 21st, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    Wow you are a strong woman. Brave. Makes me ashamed to care so much about my flabby body. I wish you the best. I am crying tears of gratitude. God bless.

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