Submissions

Comfortable in a new body? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 3 Comments

I never thought I’d be posting on a website like this. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mean that in a bad way I just assumed I would be one of those lucky few women who bounced right back after having a baby. You know no stretchmarks, toned and taut tummy less than 6 months PP? With every new stretch mark I found on my belly during pregnancy I got sadder and sadder. What a cruel joke, I thought, to get stretchmarks @ 35 weeks in my pregnancy. After all I went 8 1/2 months without getting them! After I had my son and I first saw my PP body I just about fainted. Where was the pretty flawless tummy I use to have? Whose body was this in the mirror with the sagging and stretchmarks all over it? I felt gross, disgusting, and not beautiful. I didn’t even want my husband to touch me. The only part of my body I was happy with ironically was my vagina which held very well after an easy vaginal delivery. Well 5 months PP after the stretchmarks have faded (yea they still have a lot of fading to do but overall 100% better than right after birth) and the saggy, jiggly stomach has shrunk and attempted to bounce back to its previous state. I realized my body is just as beautiful now as it was before. I have carried life inside me and it was a blessing and such a beautiful gift. The stretchmarks, yea, they’ll never go away but each time I look at them I’ll smile and think of the little kicks and nudges that used to be inside me. The breasts, yea, they’re saggier and not as perfect and I am contemplating a boob job but I look at my son and realize I wouldn’t do a thing differently if it meant not having him here with me and healthy. I still have a long way to go but slowly and surely I am getting comfortable with my new body.

Age: 25
Number of Pregnancies and Births: 1
Age of Children: 20 weeks
Weeks Post-Partum: 20 weeks

24 Year Old Mom of Two Boys (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 7 Comments

Age: 24
Number of births: 2
2 boys, Age 2 & a half & 3 months.

This is my body 3 months after having my SECOND son. Both births I experienced were vaginal & natural. My first son weighed 7lbs 10oz. Second weighed 8lbs 9oz. I gained about 60lbs during both pregnancies.
I weighed about 135 before ever becoming pregnant, NO stretch marks, PERFECT boobs. My body returned ALMOST to normal after having my first. (Breastfed him for 20 months.) I lost all the weight when he was about 6 months- but it took a LOT longer for my belly to look almost normal…… That happened at about 13 months. Since it’s so early to tell after 2nd baby, I’m wondering what YOU all think of this body? Is this extra skin or will it go away once I lose the remaining 15lbs????!

(the first 3 pics are me, normal, the LAST 2 are me when I tighten my stomach) So I’m wondering if it looks like that when I tighten my stomach, will it look like that if I do tons of situps??????

How could my beautiful babies leave me looking like this? (Anber)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Four or More Pregnancies, Postpartum, Submissions 10 Comments

I am 27 years old, and the proud mother of 4 beautiful boys! I was 15, and weighed 120,130 when I got pregnant for the first time, I was 150 after delivery and couldn’t lose it! Two years later I had my second son, up to 180!! Three years later third son, 205. Got pregnant immediately after and nine months later I weighed 230! Its been four and a half years and I still can’t lose the weight! My legs are still thin but my tummy still looks like I’m about 7 or 8 months pregnant!! Now my hubby is talking about going for a little girl! But I’m terrified about how much bigger I might get! If anyone has a secret I don’t know about please tell me!!!!!

My New Perspective (Amy)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 15 Comments

~Age: 28
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: Baby #1: 2 years. Baby #2: 6 months

Here I am. Almost six months after the birth of my second daughter. Complete with stretch marks, sagging skin, extra weight, and everything just…misplaced, for lack of a better word.

I had two babies in less than two years, my second being rather large. To say I got stretch marks is an understatement. I have been drenched in stretch marks! I remember when I was pregnant with my first daughter and the stretch marks starting popping up, and the weight piled on. As ashamed as I almost am to admit this, I was sad and upset. I remember crying as I was trying on maternity clothes, thinking about how my body would never be the same. By the end of the pregnancy my entire abdomen, hips and thighs were covered in stretch marks, despite every effort by me, covering myself in every cream and body lotion I could find. Nothing worked. I was just predisposed to get these things. By the time my second daughter came along the stretch marks had faded. But she, being her strong-willed and determined self, added her own marks. While my first daughter decorated my stomach (now nicknamed her “old apartment” by my husband) with mostly vertical stripes, my second was much more creative. She added horizontal lines, squiggly lines, and extended the vertical ones even higher. She was much larger than my first daughter, so the saggy skin was greatly intensified. I would look in the mirror at my post baby body and cringe. I would think, how on Earth could my husband EVER find this attractive?!! But, oddly enough, he somehow does.

Something happened recently that has entirely changed my outlook on my body, my flaws, and my “ruined” abdomen. This story is very sad, but I wanted to share it because it was been so inspirational to me.

On Christmas Eve, 2010 my twin sister found out that she was pregnant. I remember her calling me just minutes after the two lines appeared on the pregnancy test. She was excited, and scared, and a little in shock, as most newly pregnant women are. Her pregnancy progressed well. Everything was fine and uneventful. I remember the day that she got her first stretch mark. She called to tell me about it, and she was EXCITED! She was actually HAPPY about it! She said that that stretch mark showed that her baby was growing. That was the most important thing to her. She was not upset in the least. She was thrilled that her pregnancy was progressing, and that her baby was getting bigger. She had been having premonitions that something wasn’t quite right, and that her baby wasn’t big enough. Everyone, her doctors included, assured her that everything was fine. To her, that stretch mark was just more reassurance that her baby was, in fact, growing.

Tragically and suddenly, at almost 37 weeks pregnant, my sister lost her baby. The details are incredibly sad, so I won’t share them all. She had to deliver her baby and say goodbye. It was, without a doubt, one of hardest things I can ever imagine someone having to go through. After she had been released from the hospital, and was sent home, she was telling me how her abdomen had shrunk down so much. How strange that felt…that her pregnant belly was gone, and she was left feeling completely empty. She said that she still had just that one stretch mark. I asked her if it made things harder to look at it. She said no. She said that her one stretch mark would always be proof that her baby existed. Those words stuck with me, and will stay with me forever.

Now I look at my stretch marks and saggy, floppy skin quite a bit differently. I was BLESSED with the opportunity to carry my babies full term. I had healthy, full term pregnancies, and I was rewarded with two, big babies. Sadly, so many women aren’t this fortunate, which I’ve now seen firsthand. I’ve realized that the sacrifice of my more youthful and skinnier body has been more than worth it.

My sister’s pregnancy was the only time she was given with her baby. I know that she will remember and truly cherish the memories of every kick, every hiccup, every elbow jab. Now I feel that because I was lucky enough to bring my babies home, feed my babies, cuddle with my babies, and raise my babies, the last thing I should do is complain about my less than perfect mid-section.

When I look in the mirror now, do I think my body is pretty, or attractive? No, definitely not. But this body has been through a lot in the past two and half years. Two births in 23 months, a combined weight gain of over 70 lbs, 18+ months of breastfeeding. It takes its toll, and I am grateful for all of it. I’m PROUD of what my body has done and, most importantly, what it has given me. My pregnancies were, by far, the most exciting times of my life. I often miss the moments of pure excitement and anticipation. I miss rubbing my pregnant belly, and bonding with my baby before she was even born. Both pregnancies were such specials times that I will always look back on with so much fondness.

My little niece, who I was never lucky enough to meet, and my incredibly amazing sister have taught me so much and inspired so many, and I wanted to share this story with you. These stretch marks are here to stay, and that’s fine with me.

Stretch Marks and All (limiwa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Hips, Homebirth, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Submissions, Surgical Scar (Non-Cesarean) 13 Comments

Age: 27
Pregnancies: 3 (miscarried 2nd pregnancy at 10 weeks)
Births: 2
Children: boy 8 years, girl 3 years

I just found this site a few weeks ago, and have found such comfort in the stories and pictures I have read and seen so far. Every woman has a story to tell, each as important and resonant as the last.
This is mine.

My body image issues started around the time I turned 15. It was then that a long buried secret had come to the surface of my life. For a time during my adolescent years, my uncle (by marriage) had molested and sexually assaulted me. Although the abuse had finally stopped, the shameful memory of it remained. During a time when my body was changing rapidly, the truth of the past at last came out. When I looked in the mirror I saw only an object that a man would lust after, it terrified and disgusted me. There was nothing wrong with my body at that time. I was at an ideal weight and had a nice figure, but still I hated it. My butt was too big, my boobs too small…etc, etc. I think in reality what I hated more than the actual appearance of my body was what my body had been through, what it now represented to me. It was like his fingerprints were all over me. I wavered constantly between feeling good about myself and feeling very, very low.

Not long after my “confession” my parents separated and later divorced. With an absentee father and a depressed mother, I found solace in a close male friend who later became my boyfriend. Little wonder that I became pregnant at age 18 by the same boy. I married that boy two weeks after I found out I was pregnant. Despite the ups and downs of those first few years together, it has certainly been a blessing in disguise. We just celebrated out 9th wedding anniversary and our relationship has never been better. He is a wonderful husband and father who is still my very best friend.

During my first pregnancy I was so clueless as to what it took to grow a healthy baby. I ate pretty much whatever I wanted, both good food and not so good food. I did exercise during the 2nd and part of the 3rd trimester, which helped to control my weight gain a little. I slathered on the cocoa butter religiously – to no avail. Before getting pregnant I weighed 125lbs (I’m 5’5”). Just hours before giving birth I weighed in at 168. My pregnancy went smoothly, as did my 16 hour labor and vaginal delivery. (With no drugs! Yikes! Now THAT was painful.) I never looked in the mirror or weighed myself the entire time I was preggo, however, I still felt enormous and I didn’t entirely enjoy being pregnant. It was quite a shock to see this red, floppy tummy at the hospital after giving birth.

When I came home I knew there was no way I would fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes, but I wanted to try it, just to see…I couldn’t even get my jeans past my knees! A week postpartum I weighed 150lbs and felt so terribly fat. After that I made myself stop thinking about it (I’m quite good at putting things out of my mind when I want to), and tried my best to focus on this new precious baby boy in my life. It was always there though, this nagging thought in the back of my mind telling me, “You’re ugly now. You’re all used up. And you hated yourself before! What are you going to do now?” It was (and still is sometimes) this scary, unsettling feeling. The only perk was the boobs! Lol. I finally had the chest I’d always wanted, but unfortunately nothing else remained of the body I used to have. Stretch marks covered my belly, my hips, and the tops of my thighs, angry and red. My butt and thighs had ballooned and I had no waist to speak of.

By the time my son was 6 months old the stretch marks had faded and most of the weight had come off. I decided that a serious exercise program was in order to tone my squishy body back up. Three months into it and I had lost the last 10lbs, bringing me to within 5lbs of my pre-baby weight. Although I was back around my “normal” body size, things didn’t look the same. The texture of my skin is forever damaged, never again to be smooth and seamless. My boobs are like empty, saggy sacks. A scar that runs the length of my stomach from a previous surgery at age 12, was also stretched. The pressure of the extra weigh gave my some spider veins and cellulite. I managed to get my body back though (for the most part), and feel a measure of confidence and acceptance, at least clothed. I could never regret the birth of my children no matter what the damage to my body :)

Nearly 5 years after having my son, I gave birth to my daughter. This time around I was smarter with what and how much I ate, and even exercised up until a few days before giving birth. Instead of the 40+ pounds I put on with my son, I gained a mere 25. Through out the pregnancy I felt glowing and lovely (Me! Imagine!). It was easier this time to appreciate my body for the wonderful thing it was doing rather than loathing it for getting bigger. Knowing my body better this time around, I decided to have the baby at home. It was an amazing experience! The atmosphere was calm, all my family was able to be there and I felt relaxed. After only 6 hours on intense labor and 10 minutes of pushing (thank goodness for all those tummy exercises!), out came my beautiful baby girl.

Surprisingly, my body bounced back even faster the second time. By the time my daughter was 4 months old I was back in my regular jeans. She is now 3 ½ years old and I’m actually 10lbs lighter than before I got pregnant with her. The only thing I can chock it up to is good nutrition, regular exercise and natural whole food supplements, which has helped my body to be in balance.

Still, I struggle at times. I’m sure many women, after looking over my photos, will roll their eyes and cluck to themselves, “Oh, please…”. And for the most part you’d be right. I realize that things could be so much worse (Can’t they always be?) and I should just be grateful for a healthy, functioning body that gave me two amazing kiddos and managed to come out of it okay. Only when I look at my super skinny friends who’ve also had kids (granted only one child each), who hardly have a single stretch mark to speak of, I feel a little robbed, cheated of a nice body at such a young age. Of course, no one else sees it this way, especially my husband who has always thought the world of me. He sees a goddess, and I only wish I could see myself through his eyes. It’s those past feelings that linger, the ones that tell me I’m shameful and worthless, a constant mental roadblock I fight to overcome. I may be able to ignore it for a time, then I’ll get a glimpse of myself in the mirror at the wrong time of the month and the negative feelings come rushing in on me.

Interestingly, I can look the pictures of all you lovely women and think to myself, “Aww, that’s not so bad, she looks great!” But it’s harder to be objective with myself. Having a daughter now, I’m so afraid of passing along these body hang ups to her. I don’t want her to ever criticize her body the way I find myself doing of mine. I want her to feel strong, beautiful and confidant. Although I don’t ever put myself down in front of her or my son, it’s still a near constant mental dialogue.

It has been, and probably will continue to be for some time, a battle to love myself 100%. I have my good days where I can wear something and feel extremely sexy, and other days I would rather be almost anyone else but me. The journey seems never ending, but I am determined to make progress, to take care of myself, to treat my body — stretch marks and all — as a vessel worthy of respect and awe whether or not I actually believe it yet.

Thank you for reading, I know it was long!

**The 1st two pictures are recent ones of me – don’t let the push-up bra fool you! ;)
The others are more close ups of my stretch marks (sorry for the low quality, these were taken with a camera phone)
It’s not really clear in the pictures, but I do have stretch marks all along my hips running down to the tops of my thighs, plus ones below my belly button. Yes, they’ve faded, but they’re fairly deep and thick so the long cracks of them remain. They look far worse in the flesh!

Pride and Struggle with Self Image (Heather)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 8 Comments

Age: 22

Hello. My name is Heather. I am a very proud mommy of 3 beautiful kids. My children are 2 1/2, 17 months and 6 months. I have been pregnant 5 times in the past three years, but have lost 3 angel babies. One pregnancy was twins.

I first got pregnant at 19..on my birthday, can you believe that? Talk about a birthday present! I first gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, then came two magnificently adorable baby girls. People always tell me that I should know the meaning of birth control BUT I was on birth control when I got pregnant. Lol. I am just a very fertile girl! And my husband has 2x’s the sperm count than a normal man. I would NEVER change a thing. These are my blessings, they are my life.

Before getting pregnant I was 150lbs and a size 5/7. After all my pregnancies I was 240 pounds. Since giving birth to my last baby six months ago I have lost 100+ pounds and now weight 130 pounds and am a size 7/9. My hips have not shrunk back and I doubt they ever will. I can’t get over how saggy and wrinkly my stomach is. When I look at it and touch and pull it feels like the skin of my grandmother. Sometimes I cry because I hate my body so much, and then there are times I carry myself with pride because of what my body has done-given me beautiful children.

With my last child I have Pre-Eclampsia that got me induced at 38 weeks. During labor it progressed to Eclampsia, and my reflexes were a +5…I nearly knocked the doctor out when he did the test on my knees. I got my epidural and then I got put on magensium to help control the Eclampsia. From there my BP went from 170/150 to 50/30…I almost died. I could literally feel the life draining from my body. I had 2 doctors and 3 midwives in my room for hours. Right when my BP dropped no doctors were in my room, and I could hear nurses yelling at the doctors, “Can’t you hear that?!?! Shouldn’t someone be in there?!?”
Not long after I gave birth to my daughter…3 pushes and she was in my arms! :) I did it! We both came out fine. :)

I still relive that birth experience, I see it as a joy instead of a near tragedy! I am one blessed momma!

Sorry for the tangent, I’ve just never told my story before. I am a young, newly single mother of 3 children and I am overall happy. Except for the bouts of severe depression over my body.

Number of pregnancies: 5
Number of births: 3
Ages: 2 1/2, 17m, 6m….I am 6 months postpartum

Empowered (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Submissions 7 Comments

Previous posts start here.

After 4 years. 3 posts. and alot of sweat and tears. I DID IT. lol. i wore a 2 piece confidently this summer! I dont think i EVER would have without this website. THANK YOU. im still not confident the way i would hope i would be, i still get insecure, but i def feel better. I still plan on a tummy tuck sometime in the future, but am in no rush, and even considering another baby :) ive been so scared about gaining weight, and the PPD, but im stronger now than i was then. SO who knows.

Thank you to the shape of a mother website!

If only I loved myself as much as I love my life… (Miss Meliss)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Plus-Sized Mom, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 18 Comments

I really do have a wonderful life. I have a beautiful son, a loving husband, a supportive mother, a best friend of almost 30 years. I am a student-nurse. I live in a nice, modern home. I drive a decent car. I have a dog, 2 cats and some fish. I laugh often, I love constantly. I do not want for anything…except my old body back. I am not a fan of what has become of Melissa. Matter of fact, I am completely devastated by how my body has changed. I am not ashamed of who I am, I am just tortured by the way I look. Writing this essay makes me queasy. The thought of attaching a photo? Downright nauseating. I cant look at myself in the mirror…and when I cast that fleeting glance, I think, “That is not me.”

Most of my life I considered myself fat. Key phrase being “I considered myself fat”. No one else ever thought I was. Matter of fact, most considered me rather shapely and thin. I am 5’8 and now 205lbs. And I detest what I look like. I have had BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) since my very early teens. I decided to journal to this site because I know I am not alone, that I am a garden variety postpartum mom, and I want to ease the hearts of other women as they have done for me. And while I am sickened by my physique, I am enamored by my life. I just wish I could figure out how to meld the two and accept myself for who I am and not by my size or how much I weigh. It has affected many aspects of my life. My self-esteem, my sexual attitudes, my style, my grooming…I just don’t feel like “me” and I really, really want to. I just seem to be preoccupied with my weight. I compare myself to every woman, and it just makes me feel worse. I don’t care to dress nicely or fix my make-up or hair. I don’t even care if I match. I want to draw the least bit of attention to myself. But then I look at my son…and none of that matters. And when my son is with me, attention is what we catch…and lots of it. I can make him laugh and smile, he had bonded to me like glue. He looks into my eyes and I know I am beautiful, because he sees the truth. He sees me with no judgement, none of the much influenced, unattainable norms. He sees Mommy…and he loves what he sees.
I gain 76 pounds with my angel. I weighed in at 238lbs on the day I had my C-section. Throughout my entire pregnancy, I dropped all of the years of dieting. I just let it go. I wanted to be able to eat copious amounts of whatever I wanted…and I did. And the doc never complained. Since I had started at a much meeker weight, no one really seemed to notice the scale (but they did remark on how rotund I was becoming with each passing month!) My little man entered the world kicking and screaming at a healthy 9lbs 9oz and 22inches long! He was a big’un. I was so swollen and distended antepartum that by the end of the second week I had lost 25lbs. And what was leftover was not nearly as “cute” as when he was still riding shotgun. I never got any postpartum complications. I didn’t even have any antepartum issues either. I had a wonderful, easy pregnancy. For the first time in my life I was able to live a life free of anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication. It felt good to be anticipating the arrival of my son. It felt marvelous to have my son. Every moment that I have spent with him has been the best moments of my life. While I long for the body of yesterday (er, yesteryear…) I wouldn’t trade in this body for the world. Without my fat, flabby, uncomfortable-in-my-own-skin body…I wouldn’t have the single most amazing treasure on earth. I love being a mommy. I love waking up to seeing his smiling, happy, exuberant little face. I love hearing the raspy, melodic and curious jibber-jabber. I adore that laugh. Oh my oh my, that laugh. And those two little teeth he has? Pure joy. I love how total strangers compliment his handsomeness. I love how people walk over
to me and tell me how wonderful of a mother I am…or they say my favorite, “That boy sure loves his mommy!” I have followers on my facebook, people who have never met us, that look forward to seeing my happy, sweet boy. I love when my mother hugs me and says to me: “You are beautiful, and you are the best mother I have ever seen…” And I know she means this. And I know she wishes I could just see the beauty in me. While I can take all the compliments and praise…I just don’t feel pretty anymore. I often say that if I could lose the weight “I’d have a perfect life”. Something I never thought I would ever have. My son has completed me, I just need that itsy bitsy complement. But, I will wait for it…I’m trying not to rush it. After seeing all you ladies post pictures and stories, I feel a bit better. I feel like a little breath can be taken, and a little pat on the back to congratulate me on my acceptance into the “Mommy Club”. Where great women come in all sizes. Where strong women have the right to complain. Where valiant women are awarded with the utmost love and admiration. If only I could just get back to me.

Age: 33
1 pregnancy 1 birth
10 months PP

Pictures 1,2 and 3 are me, 10m PP.
Pictures 4 and 5 are me pregnant
Picture 6 is me and my boy

They Say it Takes Nine Months (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions, Tattoo, Update 10 Comments

Previous posts start here.

23 years old
one pregnancy, one birth (an adorable son)
I’m now 9 months postpartum. I have a few dresses: size 6, size 8, size 9. I have several jeans: size 8, size 9, size 10, size 13. I have shirts: S, M, L. I am between an A cup and a B cup. I am five foot seven inches and 160 lbs. My measurements are 36 (34A)-28.5-43. Dark brown hair. Blue green eyes.

What do these numbers mean? What do they make me?
They can’t give you any insights into my character.
They can’t tell you that I can hoist 250lbs+ with my “thunder thighs”.
They can’t describe the work I put in to do pull-ups.
They can’t tell you I have an IQ of 153. Or that I love books. Or that I have a warped, twisted sense of humor and love to laugh.
They can’t describe the lengths I will go to in order to help my friends: midnight phone calls, trips to the ER, “cheer-up” trips, lending money.

They don’t give you any idea of the pain I’ve felt in just the last nine months: my grandmother dying, an old friend writing me a good-bye e-mail and committing suicide before I could do anything, another friend lost both legs and an arm in Iraq, I worried about another friend possibly committing suicide, I worried about my own health postpartum, I worried about my relationship with my husband, I worried about my own body and attractiveness.

Those numbers won’t do you any good in telling you how I’ve battled an eating disorder for over a decade, or how I overcame the desire to self-injure years ago.

They also won’t do any good in telling you that I love comedy, drama, action, animals, psychology, running, swimming.

They won’t describe the incredible relationship I have with my husband or the overwhelming love we both have for our son.

THESE NUMBERS DON’T tell you anything IMPORTANT about me.

They say it takes nine months for your body to “go back to the way it was.” I respectfully disagree. My body is different, not less attractive nor more attractive. It’s very close to how I was pre-pregnancy, but I recognize the subtle differences in my curves and various lumps and bumps :) I looked in the mirror yesterday morning and saw my body as a whole instead of the usual random conglomeration of body parts haphazardly sewn together like some kind of disproportionate frankenstein. I am not the sum of round arms, chubby legs, lovehandles, thick calves, and a soft-but-toned stomach. I am just ME. And I say take ME as I am, because I don’t want part of any friendship or acquaintance with anyone who thinks a person can be summarized by a small, narrow scope provided by a few numbers.

I am beautiful. And my stretch marks and scars only add to my beauty and uniqueness as a person. I am happy with myself, and I hope that all you ladies on this site can find your own beauty too.

Jealous of Your Breast Complaints, Terrified of Post-Pregnancy Body (Wren)

Bonnie (SOAM) Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 40 Comments

pictures:
-4.5 months pregnant (closest I have to pre-pregnancy)
-6 months
-last three are me at 7 months

Age: 20
Number of pregnancies: 1 (8 months along)

I couldn’t wait until after birth to post something because every time I come to this website I ache to share my own story. I’m not generally an insecure person; I don’t do my hair, wear make-up, or strive to be super-skinny (140 lbs, sz 9 prepregnancy). But I have tried so, so, so, SO hard to accept and love my breasts and continually find it impossible. I dealt with them all right before, but pregnancy has made it almost obsessive. At about 3 months it occurred to me what my post-breastfeeding boobs might look like, which began the inevitable downward spiral. Then, upon doing breastfeeding research I discovered that I might have a milder case of hyperplasia, or tubular breast deformity. Meaning they are underdeveloped, lacking “normal fullness” and breast tissue with the aboslute WORST part being that I might not be able to breast feed. Having my breasts officially labeled as “deformed” was too much for me to handle and then not being able to breastfeed.. as if it isn’t awful enough to have ugly breasts, but they don’t even WORK? It was all I could think about for a few days and it depressed me incredibly, to the point of me getting hysterical when a pair of nice breasts popped up in a movie that I was watching with my boyfriend. It made me feel horrible. My boyfriend and I have been together 2.5 years and I -know- he’s tired of hearing me complain, even though he always reassures me that he loves them. I just don’t see how he could ever be aroused by such a sad excuse for breasts. I tell myself that I wish I could love and be proud of them, but even then I think I would feel as if I’m lying to myself, I feel so justified in hating my breasts and that’s an awful feeling. Aesthetically, they’re just so ugly. Not round, not perky, not anything good, just ugly. I try to look here or on 007b.com to make myself feel better but to look at all the girls with beautiful breasts hating on themselves only makes me more sad. I try to look for support online for girls with this condition and all I can find are breast augmentation boards, which obviously makes me feel worse. I feel ugly and unfeminine, like I’ve been deprived a right as a woman, like my wonderful boyfriend deserves pretty breasts and mine are such a disappointment. I’m terrified of my post-pregnancy body and how I’ll handle it emotionally but I’ll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it. On the bright side, I have had an easy pregnancy so far and only gained 18 lbs, not counting 10 that I lost and re-gained because of awful morning sickness. I can’t wait to meet my precious baby girl and start a family with the love of my life, and I feel so selfish to be so worried about my body issues. But it’s such a deep-seeded horrible feeling, I feel like it will never go away. Some days are better than others, but then I see breasts on mannequins, in pregnancy books, or cleavage on other girls and I just get that useless “why-me” syndrome, it’s a vicious cycle. Hopefully having my baby can somehow change my view of my body and I hope to god that I am able to breastfeed. I very much look forward to posting post-pregnancy!