Submissions

I’m so disappointed in myself. (Not Myself)

Bonnie (SOAM) Cesarean, Four or More Pregnancies, Postpartum, Submissions 12 Comments

I have just given birth to my fourth child. I have had four c-sections now. Each pregnancy I have gained between 18-25kg (40-55pounds) but have been fortunate to lose it all each time.

I’m now 12 days PP and I’m feeling very depressed about myself. I can’t believe I’m now plus sized. I started this pregnancy at 58kg (127pds) (about 4kg (8pounds) over my ideal weight) and a size 10Australian sizing. I’m only 5ft 4.

I got to 80odd kg (178pounds) at the end of this pregnancy and 12days pp I am down to 70kg (154pounds). I feel like I’m going to have to hide in my house until I can shed some of these kilos. I’m horrified with my reflection. I know I’m not supped to focus on this right now, but I can’t seem to help it.

None of my clothes flatter my new shape and I feel so ashamed. :( I don’t feel myself as a bigger person. I really want this weight to move. :(

~Age: 35years
~Number of pregnancies and births: 8 pregnancies, 4 births.
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 8, 6, 3 and newborn.

Second Birth, Second Chance (Colleen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, VBAC 7 Comments

Previous post here.

My Age: 28
I have two children, aged 3 years 3 months, and 7 weeks.

Seven weeks ago I gave birth to my second daughter. She was my triumphant VBAC, and her birth healed the wound that my cesarean had left in my heart. My body is amazing; we knew what we wanted and by golly, we got it.

And yet…it didn’t exactly go as planned. Nowhere near it, actually. Six days past my due date I developed even worse oligohydramnios than I had with my first. I was sent for an induction; a long, drawn-out process in which pitocin was a last resort because of my previous cesarean. I wanted an all-natural birth. I’ve spent years of my life planning for one, convincing myself that the pain of labor was manageable. The pitocin proved me wrong, and my daughter was born with an epidural after 30 hours of induction and 14 hours of active labor. I pushed her out under my own power, and that’s what’s most important, but the irritation over how medicated her birth was dampened some of the ecstasy I expected to feel.

When I last posted I was fretting over my inability to gain weight, and boy did that change fast. Between my 20 and 24 week appointments, I put on 9 pounds. It continued to shoot up and by the end I had gained 42 pounds (39 of that in the second half of my pregnancy). I don’t know if it was because I had developed habits of eating calorie-dense foods since I wasn’t eating much, or because I essentially starved for 4 months, but even through the lingering nausea it added up. It distressed me to get so close to 200 pounds for the first time in my life (196), but I figured my body knew what it needed.

I’ve lost about 20 pounds or so…maybe a little more. At any rate I seem to have hit that wall where nothing more is going to come off until I make an effort. I WILL make the effort this time, but I’m not ready yet. These two little girls are more important to me than exercise and worrying about calories right now. I once again came out without stretch marks on my tummy. The ones on my thighs and hips spread a little bit (I gain all of my weight in my thighs), and new ones appeared on my love handles. Actually, just one love handle—the left one is covered and the right side only has one lonely stretchie. My biggest problem with them is that they’re not symmetrical! Seriously, how do you grow symmetrically and only one side stretches? It doesn’t make any sense.

Am I at peace with my new body? No, not really. I only have one pair of pants that “fits” (even my maternity pants were too small by the end). My thighs rub together a LOT when I walk. My breasts are larger than ever (32K) and uneven because I’m nursing. I have a little new mommy pooch and—most distressing to me—my face got fatter. But these “flaws” do not consume my every waking moment. I see them, they register, but then I think, “man, I’m sexy”. I carried two babies, I rocked out a VBAC, I breastfed/feed both (the little one nurses like a champ). My husband thinks I’m irresistible. The women in my life tell me I look great (in clothes, of course). I haven’t learned to say “thank you” yet without pointing out a perceived flaw, but I’m getting there. I want my daughters to see confidence. I see the extra weight as something temporary and therefore not something to obsess about.

When I last posted, I decided to include my face in this one (finally!). Then I received a message on Facebook from a man I had never met asking if I was the poster and, frankly, that creeps me out. I understand how it’s possible, but tracking me down took a not-insignificant amount of effort when I obviously chose to remain semi-anonymous for a reason. The fact that it was a man and not another woman just added to the creeptastic factor. Maybe I’ll get brave eventually, but this time isn’t it. I’ll include a lovely silhouette of myself that my husband (accidentally) took at 24 weeks, but that’s as close as I can get this time.

The pictures are 24 weeks pregnant, 40 weeks pregnant, and 6 weeks postpartum.

Updated here.

I heard, but never imagined it would be like this. (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 19 Comments

Age: 27
Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancies and 1 births
The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 3 months postpratum

First of all, I´m not from english speaking country, so my english isn’t very good, nevertheless I try to write my story and i hope it will be readable. Me and my husband decided that we want a baby and started trying, it took a while, but finally i was pregnant. I was unbelievably happy about that. I was decided to enjoy every single day of my pregnancy, but… . First 5 months i didn’t look pregnant, but i gained some weight so I looked just fat. Finally at 5 months i looked pregnant. I was jogging (I love that sport really much) during 7 months of my pregnancy and later I took a walk almost every day. I felt pretty and cute, until my co-worker told my that i look really puffy and that i have really big belly. Later doctor asked me if I’m pregnant with twins. I cried that day. It finally hit me. I´m not cute nor pretty i´m just huge. I felt like I am some weirdo, who doesn’t look like supposed to. I tried to cope with that feeling. I told myself, that I was not weird, that I was just myself, maybe different from other pregnant women, but beautiful, but then I got a terrible stretch marks over my belly, breast, hips and legs. It was shock for me. I didn’t expect them, since my mother never had any of them. I tried cope with this too, but without success. I hate them. Sometimes is hard for me even look in the mirror.

All my life i feel like i`m not good enough. Not good enough as a daughter, not good enough as a student, not good enough as teacher, not good enough even as a woman and of course not enough like mom and wife. Me and my baby-boy had a hard time at the beginning. We needed to stay longer at hospital. It was really hard. In our country in hospital mum and baby aren’t together all time. They took my baby-boy every night and also in some hours during day. Now I know I should never let them do it and would fought more for time with my son. I`m so sad when i imagine my son crying somewhere in a hospital crib without me. I blame myself for that. After we got home i tried to be a good mum. But my son didn’t gain a weight during first month. I was determined not to give up on breastfeeding, and we made it. I`m breastfeeding and my son weights as he is supposed to. jupi!!! I was so focused on my baby and trying to be a good mum, that me and my husband didn’t spent much time together. Also i had an episiotomy during labor so i needed more time to heal. We didn’t made love for almost 3 months. My husband was awesome during my pregnancy. He was always there for me with kind words about me and my body. After birth he told me that he loves my belly and stretch marks, because they gave him beautiful son. Whenever I needed to hear that i`m pretty he was there for me. I never felt pretty until i met him. He taught me to love myself a bit, but before 3 days i accidentally found out that he was watching photos of naked women in his cellphone on internet. I couldn’t believe it. I asked him when it started. It started during my pregnancy while he was away from me for work, but didn’t stop when we were together. I was so sad and mad. I`m sad and mad. I never looked like those women and never will. My saggy belly, stretch marks… i look so different from them. If he likes their bodies how he could like my devastated body? I`m feeling that i`m not longer good enough even for my husband whom i always counted on. I trust him no longer when he saying i`m beautiful, because obviously he needs to look at another naked women to feel good. I`m just not good enough. I think that my husband really loves me, and also I know he didn’t want to hurt me, I even understand why he was doing it but i feel hurt. I don`t know how to deal with it. Maybe is time for me to love myself no matter what and stop counting on somebody’s else opinion but i don`t know if i`m strong enough to do that.

I love my babies, but hate my body and myself. (Very Insecure)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Teen Mom 7 Comments

Age: 21
Number of pregnancies: 2 births: 2
My son is 1 yr and 3 months my daughter is almost 3 months (i know crazy!)
I had both babies via cesarean births

Hello, i am 1 month shy of turning 21 and although i did not imagine having kids this early they are my little blessings. I got pregnant at 19 with my first child a boy and 2 and a half months later due to me believing breast feeding was a form of birth control, and not knowing how fertile a woman is after birth. i got pregnant again. I am pro life so i took the hand that i was dealt. Before my first pregnancy i weighed 110(i am 5″) and i only gained 16 pounds during pregnancy which i thought was GREAT! after i gave birth i was at about 113 but my stomach still looked about 4 months pregnant. I had a c section so i waited before i worked out and before i knew it i was pregnant again so i didnt bother trying to slim down my pouch again. With my daughter i weighed about 130 total with my pregnancy so i was elated i thought i would bounce right back with a little workout. I also only gained belly no fat in my arms or legs.

After i delivered my second baby via c section (both were) i was so eager to work out and loose all the extra skin and fat! i wasnt able to start until 2 months pp bc my incision would hurt alot. I am trying to find the time to work out but its so hard with two kids and a house to clean after. i do a 20 min ab workout everynight and i try to stick to it but my ugly body discourages me. My fiancé says i look great for two kids but i couldnt disagree more. Im disgusted with myself. I see other young girls having kids and springing right back. Although they did not have two back to back it should still be the same right? I hate my stretch marks my DARK belly looks so ugly, my belly button looks like its ben punched in, my linea negra is so dark and all that extra skin is just despicable. And on top if that i look 4 or 5 months pregnant.! i absolutly hate myself to a point that i think im becoming depressed. Im used to always being so petit and i loved my pre pregnancy body and now i cant stand what i see when i look in the mirror. Why is my stomach so ugly so completely loaded with stretch marks? I feel like i got the worst of both worlds. The stretch marks, the fat, and the dark skin. I wouldve ben okay with just one but i got them all! I hate my body! I am now 3 pp -sincerely a very insecure girl

Two Months PP With #2 (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 2 Comments

Number of children/births- 2
Age-23
Prepreg weight- 116
Postpreg weight- 129

Previous post here.

I wasnt in a good place after my second post. I was struggling with my body after my husbands infidelity. Soon after that post I got pregnant with my second child, a girl. I was excited, but thought Oh Boy, here we go again. I have never been one of those people who love being pregnant, I think its cute on everyone else and I miss it when I’m not. With my first pregnancy, I gained 20 pounds and got one long, thick stretch mark on my side. Breastfeeding for nearly 2 years had left my breasts alittle saggier then I remembered them, but I was feeling really pretty about my body! Almost right away, I was hungry all the time, really hungry not just snacky. I gained 10 lbs in the first 8 weeks. This was making me really nervous. I had another GREAT pregnancy though, I have been blessed to be able to have such healthy pregnancies and then healthy babies. When all was said and done at the end of August near my delivery date, I had gained 29 pounds, and my stretch mark got long and wider. I had an awesome delivery, I wanted to go it natural since I had had an epidural the first time and it ended up with me not being able to push effectively and having to have a vacuum assit and then I tore, healing took longer….So I labored until 8-9 centimeters before getting some pain relief through my IV, but I could still feel to push, feel her move down, feel her come out with her little hands up by her ears and didnt tear this time. Recovery seemed fast and easy, although everyday brings me something new having two little girls to care for, I still have about ten pounds I’d like to loose and hopefully tone up my tummy. My husband and I were able to overcome our problems, and our marriage is going pretty well. We’d like to have another child a few years down the road, I am excited for that yet nervous, I feel that having two children has made my body alien to me, what would a third do to it? I love this site, been following all your stories since my first daughter was born, its a great place for us to voice our fears and concerns and find reassurance! Thanks for posting and thanks for reading.

First and second photo-30 weeks with #2
Third and Fourth photo-8 weeks pp

Over Two Years Later and Another Baby – Update (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 6 Comments

Original post here.

It has been over two years since my first submission/story was posted on this wonderful site. My amazing son will soon turn five years old and he is still more than I could have ever hoped and wished for. My husband is still active duty in the Marine Corps and we endured another combat deployment, this time to Afghanistan. It was even harder than the other deployments for a few reasons. One being the communication was almost non existent. We went over a month with no contact due to his location. The second was that I was pregnant during the deployment! We had no clue the day he left, but about a month into the deployment I found out we were expecting. I could hardly believe it. I had to then wait and wait for a rare phone call to finally tell him the news! At my first Dr appt. we calculated that we must have conceived within 7-5 days before he had left! During the second trimester we then found out we were having another boy. Due to some re enlistment/time left on contract issues they had to send him home a few months early (hey no complaints here!!!) I was so beyond relieved to have him home and so happy he would get to be around for the last part of the pregnancy and birth!

I did a bit better with weight gain this time around. Started at 150 lbs and was at 186 lbs day of delivery. Unfortunately I delivered via repeat c section even though the Dr had given me a 75% chance of successful VBAC. The delivery was awful. I had mild Pre eclampsia and they wanted to induce me at 39 weeks. I ended up getting food poisoning/bad stomach virus a few days before my induction date. I was so sick and dehydrated that it was causing me to contract. They admitted me and gave me fluids & anti nausea medication. Then proceeded to start pitocin. Within the first 15 min or so of getting the pitocin the baby had a drop in heart rate severe enough that they told me we HAD to do an emergency cesarean. At that point I was so exhausted that I didn’t even want to talk about it. To top it all off, my spinal did not fully take. I wasn’t “numb” completely and ended up feeling some of the pain from the surgery. They wanted to put me under with a breathing tube but I freaked out on the table and pleaded with them. They instead gave me very strong meds during the rough parts. I felt like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. It was loopy, scary, weird and painful all mixed together, but I was awake to hear his first cry. I was able to see his face and kiss my beautiful baby boy, and that I am grateful for. It was love at first sight. He looked just like his big brother! 7 lbs 1oz and perfect from head to toe!

His 1st Birthday was just a few days ago and I still find it hard to believe he is ONE! I love my boys and I love how they interact together.
As for me and my body these days… I still have work to do… But as I’ve gotten older and possibly wiser lol, I realize that I am not ruined or unsightly. I am a Mother. I am Unique. I am strong, and I am filled with love. How can I hate those things?? I am on the right path I believe. I am now at 156 lbs, with a goal of 140 lbs and 21% body fat. I plan on adding more weight training to my fitness and am excited to find out how my body will react to it.

I’m not sure if I gained any new stretch marks or not.. To me it doesn’t really look like it. Although I do think I have a bit more loose skin now… The wrinkle under my belly button is still there and I have an “apron” when I bend over lol.

I keep saying this lately: “Love conquers all”. I truly believe it too… For whoever may read this far.. All I ask is to love yourself, love who you are, you are one of a kind!

~Age: 28 (will be 29 on Nov 28th)
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies and 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 years old and 1 year old, 1year postpartum.

Recovered/ing Anorexic and 36 Weeks Pregnant (May)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions 4 Comments

I am currently 24 years old and 36 weeks pregnant. I have struggled with self image my whole life, first started making myself sick after eating at age nine and advancing to anorexia around 14 years of age. I have been on the way to eating normally since I was 19 and in my own opinion doing quite well… regarding weight but my mind and feelings on my weight still needs lots of work.

My whole life I have wanted to be pregnant, I think some part of me believed I would love my body totally while pregnant because it would be ‘big’ for a reason other than me being ‘fat’. Since being pregnant I have realized that I may have misjudged my personal strength and also realized that people skip out on telling you many hardships of being pregnant.

Even though I have a wonderful loving partner who encourages me to feel beautiful and often times succeeds I can’t help but be terrified of what my body will look like after giving birth. Another reason I am afraid of my body after birth is because dieting and workouts have always been a struggle for me due to my history of eating disorders… It is very easy for me to get carried away with it and become unhealthy about it all. I have been lucky enough to avoid stretch marks on my belly (fingers crossed) but have gotten some on my breasts. I have also been lucky to have gained only a small amount of weight, going from 155lbs pre pregnancy to 170lbs currently.

So far I have found it very important to actively remove my fear in anyway I can and speaking to other mothers about my fears, of both motherhood and weight. This blog is a wonderful way to hear stories of women who have given life and to see how amazing their bodies and attitudes are, hopefully I can have such an amazing attitude about it all and can share my story later on.

Photo description:
~Me when I first met my partner, at my healthiest weight of 125lbs.
~Me the day after finding out I was pregnant. I had gained around 15lbs since I had first started dating my partner to when we got pregnant (happy weight I guess)
~Me feeling beautiful in my belly at 31 weeks.
~me last week.

I’m still alive, but we lost our precious daughter. (Maureen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean (Vertical), Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Child Loss, Complications During or After Birth, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 22 Comments

Age: 32
Pregnancy/birth: 1
Children: 1 angelgirl in heaven, passed away 3 days after birth

Title: I’m still alive, but we lost our precious daughter
Name: Maureen, Proud mama of Chloë*
Country: The Netherlands

On Monday evening the 25th of July 2011 I was brought to the hospital by Ambulance, because of serious belly ache. I passed out several times. By the time I arrived in the hospital I was in shock. I was rushed to surgery to get the baby out. The doctors thought of a placental abruption. But in surgery they found out that I had an internal bleeding, I lost about 3.5 liters of blood. At 23.59h our beautiful daughter Chloë was born. The moment she was born she was not breathing, so they helped her to get her breathing right. Her heartbeat was stable.
Later that night Chloë was transferred to a specialized hospital because the doctors worried about her brainactivity as a result of the lack of oxygen.

After surgery I was brought to the Intensive Care, where I was kept asleep and on the respirator. My condition was stable at that time.

My sister in law and my husband went to the hospital where Chloë was taken to. She was brought to the NICU. She was also on the respirator. Her tempature was brought to 33.5 C to minimize brainactivity and braindamage.
While my husband was with Chloë, he got a telephone call from the other hospital that I was brought to surgery again because of another bleeding…
My sister in law brought my husband back to me. In surgery they found out that I had another 2,5 liters of blood in my belly. When I was back from surgery, I was brought with a mobile intensive care unit to the same hospital as Chloë.

Chloë wasn’t doing very well… 2 brainscans showed no activity, this was caused by the lack of oxygen. Probably caused already on Friday when I had some belly ache also. I was doing better and after my condition was stable enough I was able to see my daughter for the first time on wednesday. Later that day we were told that there was nothing the doctors could do for Chloë anymore. On
Thursday they would stop the treatment.

On Thursday 28th of July, Chloë stayed with us the whole day and we could even hold her in our arms. But at 19.00 h the respirator was stopped and at 21.00 h she passed away in my the arms of my husband…
We kept Chloë with us until Sunday, then she was brought to the mortuary. I was doing better and after in total of 4 days of intensive care and 3 days of medicare, I was transferred back to the hospital closer to home on Monday, were I stayed until Thursday.

Together with our family and friends, we said goodbye to our sweet little princess on Saturday the 6th of august when she is cremated.”

We’re so proud to be the mommy and daddy of Chloë, but it hurts we had to let her go after 3 days…
We were so looking forward to have a child to take care of. We love her, we miss her… But she will always be our little girl.

The scar that I have confronts me every day. It’s a negative memory, it reminds me extra that we have lost our baby girl. But it is also a positive memory, as I’m still alive and we have a daughter now, although she is an angel in heaven. Since that scar we are a mommy and daddy. We love you, Chloë. You are our little princess. ? ? ?

I even can’t remember how my belly looks like without the scar, this is now who I am and in a strange way it makes me also that I’m blessed.

It will mean a lot to me if my story will be part of the ‘The shape of a mother’ community.

My body eight months after my little miracle. (Jamie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 6 Comments

Age: 22
Number of Pregnancies/ Births: 1

I just turned 22, and have a beautiful 8 1/2 month baby girl. My pre pregnancy weight was 166lbs, I did great through the first 7 months of pregnancy only gaining 10lbs, then all of a sudden I was gaining a pound a day getting up to 214lbs!! I was scared to death of stretch marks, I already had very fragile self esteem. I started getting them one by one ,at 7 months, I cried after seeing each one form.

After my daughter’s birth I was grateful, she is my little ray of light. Even though I was so happy, I also was so depressed. I hated my body and myself. I didn’t want to eat, or get dressed in the morning, on top of that, I had to get over it quick because I had to go to work 2 weeks after I had my baby.

It was a slow process getting used to the new routine and being away from my pride and joy all day. (Not to mention having to dress in business attire)

I eventually got used to it, and lost all of my weight plus some. I bought the expensive stretch cream, and applied it religiously; my stretch marks faded some but my stomach never tightened up. Below are the pictures now 8 1/2 postpartum. I already lost 74lbs, have been doing pelvic tilts and trying to make my stomach look better. Will it ever be normal again? I know stretch marks fade but will my belly button ever be circle? Will my stomach ever not have wrinkles? I just need to know, what I am facing for full recovery.

Updated here.

Trying to Love Me (Katy)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions 5 Comments

24 years old
9months pregnant with my first baby
Pictures first 3 are of me 5 weeks away from my due date last one is the day I found out I was pregnant (4weeks along)

Like some of the other stories i’ve read on here, I’ve never thought that I was beautiful. Looking back on my engagement pictures or pictures from high school I see someone different than I saw in the mirror at the time. I weighed about 150 in high school and I felt like I was overweight and ugly, but now I don’t see it the same way at all. My weight has never been what i thought it “should be” and i’ve never appreciated the way my body looks In the moment. I can look back and say, “oh, I didnt look as bad back then, why did i hate my body?!” But then I hypocritically do the exact same thing now, I look at my stretch marks that have completely taken over my body and I see the flab and rolls and I consider how little of the 40 pounds i’ve gained is actually my baby. I am 9 months pregnant now due to have my baby boy on thanksgiving day, i’m So happy and I can’t Wait for him to be in my arms! I currently weigh 240 pounds. I hate saying that number and even typing it makes me cringe. I had creeped up to 207lb’s before I got pregnant and started exercising about a month before I got pregnant and then morning sickness and tiredness took over. Ever since I was about 6 months along I get so many comments from people saying how huge I am. They say it at church every week, as if i’ve forgotten. Another comment I frequently get is “are you sure there aren’t twins/triplets in there?!” That comment not only makes me feel like i’m the fat woman at a circus but it hurts because we did have twins. I was carrying two babies but one of them died at about 9 weeks and then slowly dissolved and just disappeared. When we first found out there were two but the Dr. couldn’t detect a heart beat for the second one he said ” Maybe it will turn out to be fine and we’ll get a heart beat next time!” We asked again for clarification before we left the appointment and he said ” well most likely it will just resolve itself and dissolve.. Its not likely that the baby will live” we prayed and prayed for months that the baby would be alive and well at our next ultrasound. But it wasn’t. It took several months for it to dissolve though, It hurt so much to see that still form and at the same time be happy at the bouncing, kicking, healthy baby. Sometimes I still feel guilty for missing our other baby, since I still have one inside me.. I should just be overjoyed about that one. I tell myself that after the baby comes I’m going to work hard and shed not only the baby weight but the extra weight I needed to lose before I got pregnant! I don’t even have a goal weight right now, its too depressing to think of how much I should lose. I really wish that I could look at myself and see someone beautiful no matter what I weigh! My husband sometimes gets frustrated because he “wishes I could see what he sees” I know that I should appreciate my body. I know that its doing something amazing by making and keeping our baby safe. I know that down the road i’ll look at pictures of me pregnant and probably say ” I didn’t look that bad” But even knowing all of this I truly do Not know how to love me, right now, the way that I am. My body has changed forever because of this pregnancy, I want to let the past go and love my body NOW. Can anyone tell me how?