Submissions – Page 104 – The Shape of a Mother

She Changed My Life (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) African American, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions Tuesday, June 29, 2010 16 Comments

28 years old/ 1 pregnancy/1 birth/12 months postpartum

First off, I would like to say that I appreciate this site and the support that it offers to mothers. I have been visiting it ever since I was about 7 months pregnant, and it has been cathartic to me and my struggle with my body. Here is my story:

I grew up thick. Being classified as an African American, thick connotates having a little extra meat to love on your body. My parents, family, and friends never criticized my looks and I always felt like I was accepted. After leaving for college, I developed some poor eating habits( eating fast food everyday) and I topped out weighing about 185lb and being a size 12. Im 5’8 so it didnt look bad, but I wasn’t healthy. One day in 2006, I looked at my body in the mirror, and I hated the reflection. So I did something about it. I joined a fitness center, and with the help of a personal trainer, I dropped 40lb and got down to a size 4. My confidence and self esteem went through the roof! And I was beating the men off needless to say….I met my husband during this physical journey also. After having quite a few ups and downs over the next two years, we decided to consciously get pregnant.

After making this decision to bring life into this world, I was pregnant two weeks later! We were happy and excited to have a combination of ourselves coming into our lives. I had bad morning sickness until I was five months pregnant, and lost a few lbs, but after the sixth month, I was hungry again!!! I got to about 34 weeks with no stretch marks, until one morning I noticed one creeping up the bottom of my belly. It was a wrap after that. Everyday it seemed I developed a new mark. I had a really hard time accepting this. I had hoped to be one of the “lucky” ones, and not have any, and I slathered on raw shea butter and oil daily. Needless to say, as She grew, I was covered in stretch marks. And I gained a hearty 36lbs. From side to side, past my belly button, which looked weird and popped out. I went past my due date, which was June 7th.

Early in my pregnancy, I had planned to have a natural birth. I exercised throughout my pregnancy, ate heartily and prepared myself mentally with childbirth classes and lots of reading. The OB decided to break my water on June 9th. I chose a hospital that had nurses familiar with the natural birthing process, and they allowed me lots of movement during my labor. I even got to get in the shower while I was transitioning, which kept me from losing my mind! My daughter was born on June 10th, unmedicated, and when her head popped out I didn’t feel anything but joy! (Seriously) She opened her eyes and looked around the room before her body was out. It was the best experience of my life, and I will never forget that day.

I had a minor tear that took three stitches, and I was ok with that. But back to my body. My tummy was black and wrinkly at first. I used belly bandits to shrink it and I nursed my daughter until she was 6 months old. I did have tummy skin that I was unfamiliar with. How am I going to fix this? So about 2 weeks after I began walking, and as the months went on I gradually increased my activity. I had a lot of support from my husband to work out, despite whatever issues we had. I was a full time student, and I managed to stay in school, work out, and take care of my daughter. I had help from family and friends, and I’m very thankful for that. I know some women aren’t as blessed. I lost all my weight plus some by the time she was 9 months, but still was paranoid about my marks and extra skin. My husband and I had a lot of problems and this made me feel worse.

I started P90x about 2 months ago, and it really helped tone up my midsection and whole body. I still have the marks and skin, but you can hardly see it. It still moves and flaps a bit when I sit down. I have thought about tummy tucks, but I actually am fitter now and look better in clothes now than before I had her. The jury is still out about the tummy tucks…I don’t have the money, and the down time could drive me crazy. I’m a fitness junkie now.

Thank you for reading this long post, I have been waiting over a year to submit it. I am including some pictures of my stomach and breasts, as well as a picture of my love, Aashima. I feel like more of woman now, I have so much motivation to be successful, and I owe it to her.

The pictures are all 12 months postpartum. And the photo of Aashima is at 8 months.

This is Your Fault (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Thyroid Issues Tuesday, June 29, 2010 13 Comments

I am 22 years old and I have been pregnant once. I have one child,a 16month old son.

The day I found out for sure I was pregnant was one of the hardest days of my life. I was in a bad relationship with a man who was a lot older than me. We had moved in together 3 months before and my life was one big bundle of stress from that point on. I was a full time student that worked full time to support my ex’s drinking and gambling habits and pay our rent. All I could think was my god this is my fault, I am bringing another life into this world with that despicable man. We tried to make it work after I told him I was pregnant but, he started becoming physically abusive. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I moved home and focused on my health and well being, and tried not to let him affect my pregnancy any more than he had. I finished another semester of school and had one semester left until my degree was complete. My pregnancy was pretty uneventful except at the end of my 2nd trimested I began having almost disfiguring stretch marks. I cocoa buttered and used mederma and bio oil and every product I could think of, but nothing stopped the deep purple welts that were coming up all over my body. I then started to gain a ridiculous amount of weight and was experiencing awful constipation. During an appointment with my obstetrician who obviously felt no sympathy for me I began to cry , and expressed feelings of hopelessness about my body, I said how will I ever fix this? She said “This is your fault” she then went on to say if I would be more careful about what I ate maybe I wouldn’t have gotten so heavy. I knew it was coming, I was going to hear those words someday. In the beginning I didn’t realize what a blessing my pregnancy was. It’s been about a year and a half since that appointment, and my life has changed so drastically since then. My labor was an incredible, 43 hours long, with pitocin running the entire time. I did most of it with no pain relief, the last 3 hours I gave in and asked for en epideural because I was scared that they were going to send me in for a cesarean if he wasn’t born soon. 12:19 am I pushed my son out and I will never forget that first moment they sat him on my belly and he just looked up at me. I kissed his little head and I have been madly in love with him ever since. I just graduated from college and I’m studying to take my state boards. I have lost 45 of the 69 pounds (yay for breastfeeding) I’ve gained, but there is one thing I haven’t lost and thats my stretch marks. When my son was about 6 months old I went to my GP for a sinus infection and she asked how long I had been hypothyroid for, I asked her to please repeat the question. My doctor referred me to an excellent endocrinologist who has been incredible. I have been taking Synthroid for almost a year now and I feel like a new women.Sometimes I wonder what my obstetrician would think if I told her I gained that weight because my thyroid was bearly functioning. I look down at my tummy, breasts and thighs in the shower every morning and think oh lord I have some work to do. However I comfort myself by looking at my perfect little boy and my diploma (which is hanging over the mantle) and I think to myself, This is your fault. It is my fault and caused by all of my hard work and sleepless nights that I have my incredbly smart vibrant child and my college degree which will ensure a bright future for us. Remember ladies no matter how bleak the outlook is now, wait a little while things can and do change with an exceptional amount of hardwork.

One of the “lucky ones” (Lxnn)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Tattoo Monday, June 28, 2010Sunday, June 27, 2010 9 Comments

age 28
one pregnancy one birth
my son is now 2 ½ years old

I say “lucky” because in reality I do not have many stretch marks and the ones I do have are light. I have returned to my pre-pregnacy weight but that does not mean I am at my pre-pregnacy shape. I gained 70 pounds during my pregnancy. Watching your body go through such a transformation in it self, no matter what you end up looking like down to road, is something to deal with. I never wanted a kid. I didn’t even like being around children. I was one of those people who scoffed at all the people who go around saying ‘children are a blessings in disguise.’ ‘its different when it is your own child.’ When I found out that I was pregnant my first thought was to have an abortion. I am a naturalist and there for went to a herb store and asked about herbal abortions. Of course they were out of the herb and would not have it for three days. By the time I made it home (actuality by the time I asked about herbal abortion) I knew that I would not be able to go through with that choice. I knew that there was only one option that I would be able to see to the end. To have the child and raise it. The father and I were not together, we were not even talking. He was trying to get sober but relapse, bad, and was now a junkie. So I was pregnant and had no idea if the father was even going to be alive when I gave birth or how I was going to pay my bills. So I was not only dealing with the mental mind fuck but also the physical changes. I think I did well considering! When I gave birth to my son and they laid him on my stomach everything changed, I changed. The father had gotten sober 2-3 months before I gave birth and is still sober today. He also changed. My son was a catalyst for amazing growth in my self and his father. His father and I are still not together but we have stubbornly gotten to a point where we are friends. I know this should be more about the physical shape of a mother but the mental shape is what I had the most difficulty with. I am a single working mom. I have felt the person I was disappear. I am either working or being a mom there is no time to be me. Or so I thought/felt. Every article, book, magazine, what have you I have read has been written from the perspective that you have a significant other. Because of this I stopped reading a long time ago.

Today I am able to see the beauty and strive for balance. I do my best to balance work, time with my son and time for myself. The mommy identity is the biggest part of my life but not the only part. I’ve never been one to stay down long and my son is so amazing that down is not even an option! He amazes me every day and the love I feel for him amazes me every minute. If I get a glimpse of the stretch marks or my mommy pouch it is just a reminder of the little person that I created. In my son’s eyes I am perfect! At least until he is a teenager! I have discovered that when I am able to stay present in the moment when with my son, I am happy. He has been and will always continue to be worth every sacrifice.

And I still have a nice ass!!

The Day After (Maddy)

Bonnie (SOAM) Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions Monday, June 28, 2010Sunday, June 27, 2010 3 Comments

This is a photo of the day after I had my daughter, Abby. My husband took the photo to show me how much my belly had shrunken so quickly, and at the time, I was so pleased that I was so much smaller than I was before. A few months later, I looked at this photo and was appalled at how giant I still was. But now I see it as a badge of honour, that I was still going through so much to bring my baby girl into this world. I am happy now when I see this photo, because what it represents to me now is my new attitude about my post-baby body, but it took me a long while to get there. I’m hoping that by sharing it, others will be prepared to still be a little inflated and see that as the (small) price you pay to gain so much.

~Your Age: 31
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 7 months

Young Mom of 2 (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions Friday, June 25, 2010 5 Comments

i am 22. my husband an i were blessed with two amazing little men. i went into labor naturally at midnight on both of their due dates. my first was born at 1:48 pm. 7 pounds 10 ounces 19 and a half inches long perfectly healthy. he surprised us pretty good. they told me at 18 weeks pregnant with him that he was a girl. after about 12 hours of labor i pushed him out in about 10 minuets and they put him on my chest and i was the first to see that he was a boy! when our son was 4 months old i told my husband that i wanted another. my doctor told me that it will take about 4 months for my body to recover. so at 4 months pp we started trying for another. lucky us it didn’t even take a month and i was pregnant again. this time at 18 weeks i was told i was having another boy. this time they were right and after about 7 hours of labor and 5 minuets of pushing we had another healthy baby boy 7 pounds 10 ounces 20 inches long. i had an epidural with both of my births. i had a episiotomy with my first and honestly the doctor sewing that up after my son was born in the worst memory and pain that i remember from both births. with my second i tore but the doctor numbed me and i couldn’t feel anything. i have never really liked my body but seeing what it has done i have grown to love it and all of its imperfections and wrinkles. i only nursed my first son a few times (something i regret but cant change now) and i nursed his little brother till he was 16 months old he never had a drop of formula. i am almost to my pre preg. weight. but my body has changed so much. i know it sounds silly but i am thankful for my stretch marks when i feel them or see them i just think about how much i love my babies. kind of like a tattoo but saggy wrinkly skin instead. they will be 2 in september and 3 in july and i couldn’t be any happier. we are done reproducing and i am doing my best to make sure my sons grow up to be great men.

1st picture my belly now
2nd picture is my belly the day before my 2nd son came into the world.
3rd picture is a few days before the birth of my first son

5 week PP, hating my body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Tattoo, Teen Mom Thursday, June 24, 2010 8 Comments

Pre-pregnancy weight: 169
Labor Weight: 210
Weight now: 200

I have been struggling with my weight since I was a kid. I was 240 in my sophmore year of high school and just last year I got down to my weight of 157. I wasn’t too happy there, but I was content and felt like I looked great. I met my husband and I gained love pounds. So when I got pregnant I was 169. I lost 20 pounds my first and second trimesters, and then gained it all back when I got to my third. I got a beautiful baby girl now, but now it just looks like I never even had a baby. I just look plain old fat. I’m having the toughest time getting back on a healthy diet and exercise plan. My husband says I’m still attractive to him, but I just hate myself and how I look. I know I have a beautiful baby girl that makes it all worth it, but I can’t help to hate myself for it.

First 3 pictures are of me 5 week PP and my last picture is of me pre-pregnancy

~Age: 19
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1/1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 5 week PP

Behind Enemy Lines (SMS)

Bonnie (SOAM) Body Image, First Pregnancy, Infertility, Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions Wednesday, June 23, 2010Tuesday, June 22, 2010 6 Comments

Age 30
1st pregnancy, 1 year postpartum

My body has always been the enemy. This shape which outlines the whole of who I am, encapsulating the parts of me both seen and unseen. Somehow, with time and age, it had come to represent me, a personal definition of who I am, carefully crafted for the world to see. The “me” that existed behind the lines of my body was lost in my attempts to measure up to a cultural ideal.

Before my daughter, I was constantly at war with my body. It never did what I wanted, when I wanted it, how I wanted. Having internalized so many of the messages my culture had fed me, I never felt thin enough, shapely enough, sculpted enough. I starved myself for years on end, adopting strange diets in the name of being healthy, and obsessed that it was never enough. It seemed, my body was always bound to fail me. Years of my life were spend battling body dysmorphic disorder – no matter what I did, it was never enough.

When we decided we were ready to have a baby, my body failed me again. The first few months passed. Then a year. Then another year. My body was failing me on a whole new level. Not only did it fail to measure up to some abstract standard of beauty, but apparently its functionality was also impaired. I spent nights lamenting over a loss of my future family, tears wasted after our Re told us it wouldn’t happen on our own. In the war between me and my body, my body was winning.

Shortly before the three year mark of trying to conceive, we finally did just that. And as my body began to change, so did I. For the first time in my, my body had a purpose. It had a purpose greater than myself. In the first three months I gained 20lbs, and I stopped getting on the scale. My best guess is I gained at least 45lbs during my pregnancy, but that was just a number. I felt free. Free to exist as I was, as a woman bringing life into this world. My growing curves stood as testament to the amazing thing happening inside my body and the only standard of comparison was in my heart.

My daughter was born a mere 5lb 10oz. Complications at the pregnancy caused her to stop getting adequate nutrition – one last attempt from my body to fight my new empowerment. But my daughter was strong and healthy. And next week my tiny peanut will be turning a year old. My body shows the proud signs of mommyhood. A handful of stretchmarks adorn my tummy and thighs, my hips are ample, my breasts have nourished my daughter for these nearly twelve months and they show it, and I’m still carrying some baby weight around because my life is too busy chasing my daughter around to obsess all that much. I still won’t get on a scale. This is not the same body I had a few years ago. This body is better. And I am not the same woman I was a few years ago. I am stronger.

Some days are rougher than others. Some days the drive to perfection revs up again. Then I look at my daughter, and I marvel at how this body could do something so amazing. And I remind myself that how my daughter will look at herself starts with how I look at myself. I never want my daughter to fight with her own body, because she is beautiful and incredible as she is. I have learned that one of the best ways to love my daughter is to also love myself.

Who will you be? (Lauren)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Poetry, Submissions Wednesday, June 23, 2010Tuesday, June 22, 2010 1 Comment

I am not a mother but I think about that day so often…who she (or he) will be, how I will feel, etc. This simple poem is a reflection of those thoughts.

Who will you be?