Submissions

Why Can’t I See What He Sees? (GG)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Twins 21 Comments

26 years old
1 pregnancy
2 babies (twins) boy and girl.

My husband is such a wonderful man. He sees in me the most beautiful and sexy woman alive. Why can’t I see that?? All I see is fat here and there and everywhere! I see imperfections and that is it. My stomach is ugly with stretch marks and saggy on my lower abdomen. My legs are fat! They have always been fat but now they are fatter. Every time I see myself in pictures I feel disgusting. I want to cry!!! I see my twin sister who had her baby four months ago and is so skinny. I see my cousin who just had twins who already lost all her baby weight and then some. I see everyone around me so thin and I feel so ugly. All I feel when people look at me is embarrassment because I can only imagine what they must be thinking of how fat I look. I realize that is probably not the case but I feel that way. It makes me want to run and hide. I had someone at work mention that I was fat and I need to breastfeed in order to lose that weight. Do you know what that comment did to me? It made me feel disgusting and ugly. I felt like a failure. I wanted to cry. I want to cry right now! I hate looking in the mirror but I still do! I pick at every imperfection and cry about it. My question is: Why can’t I see that person my husband sees? You should see how he looks at me. He is all over me when I get out of the shower or when I change. Why can’t I see that woman? If it weren’t for him I think I would’ve have gone insane about how fat and ugly I am. You know, I come to this site and see so many pictures of you ladies and I wish I would look half as good as all of you. I decided to post how I feel and see if I can break free from all this bad attitude towards my body so, I decided to take pictures of me as I am. I want to learn to love me. The mother of two beautiful babies who make my day with just one smile. Who I wouldn’t trade for anything, not even for my pre pregnancy body. I came here so that all that I put above is part of my past and of how I FELT about myself. After this I want to start clean and I want to see that sexy diva my husband sees in me. Thank you all for posting your stories and giving me hope.

4 Babies – 3 Years (Malissa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Twins 5 Comments

I am a mother to 4 beautiful little girls: 2 year old fraternal twins, 15 month old, and a 3 month old. All were carried to term and born vaginally. Pre babies I weighed about 140 and was in pretty descent shape and now post partum I weigh 174.

My story started three years ago when I met my now husband and had the shock of my life when I missed my period a mere month after we had met. Low and behold I was pregnant and pregnant with twins at the age of 20. My twins were born healthy at 5lbs 2oz and 5lbs 14oz on January 8th, 2008. When our twins were about 8 months we found out we were expecting again. This time only one. She was born on April 23rd, 2009 weighing 8lbs even. My husband had gotten a vasectomy and we thought we were in the clear but obviously not because I began feeling nauseous and I’m not one to get sick often we knew baby number 4 was coming. Fortunately we had baby number 4 this year on April 2nd, 2010 and she weighed 8lbs 9oz. Things were not planned but hey when you do the deed you’re bound to get pregnant. Luckily now for sure my husband is in the clear and there will be no more babies for us. Four is a lot but also a blessing. I am a stay at home mother and love my kids and would do anything for them. At times I do get down on myself not looking like I did pre-babies but have to step back and realize my body has been through thick and thin for the past 3 years and has given birth and held 4 beautiful little angels. I may not like it all the time but it’s my body. I realized that no matter what my husband and kids all still love me no matter how ugly my skin may feel to me or look to me at times. I am slowly starting to embrace my new found body and looking at each stretch mark as a mark of love my children have given me. I am now 23 and love looking at my beautiful girls each day. Knowing I carried each one of them amazes me.

Like a Road Map (Heather)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Four or More Pregnancies, Postpartum, Submissions 8 Comments

Age: 34
Pregnancies: 7
Births: 4
Kids’ Ages: 16,13,11,8 ALL girls
8 Years Post Partum

“What happened?” said the young boy, “Did your baby scratch you?”

This is the moment I discovered the awful truth that would impact the rest of my life. I had stretch marks. Back story: I was a 5’10” model who weighed 120lbs soaking wet. I was 17 when I conceived my first child, and pretty happy about it actually. My pregnancy was calm, serene and basically uneventful, until my friend’s son uttered the above quote. I couldn’t see the underside of my belly, so I immediately went home and broke out the hand mirror. There they were. Approximately 4 tiny, purple, stretchmarks. Two on each side of my giganormus belly. “Oh well.” I thought. “They’re little, no biggie.” However these scars grew exponentially for the next three weeks until I delivered my healthy 8lb baby girl. I didn’t think of them during labor, delivery, or recovery of course. I was too busy falling in love with my baby. But when I got home I decided to shower and change into a nice pyjama for easy nursing. There was a full-length mirror in the room and I didn’t immediately recognize myself at first glance. But when I did, I cried at the sight of my huge, painful boobs and belly full of ugly stretch marks. “They are the stars and stripes of motherhood!” my mom said. Well, I am not that patriotic of a mother I suppose. I literally mourned my former body for the next decade or so. Not only did puberty just grant me that “kick ass” body I had always dreamed of, but mother nature came and took it away! And only after a completely natural and painful birth. To make a long story short, covering my belly has been a goal since that day. Swim suit shopping often ends in me crying in some department store dressing room. Three kids later, my youngest taught me a lesson. I was wearing a tee-shirt, and my lil one was cuddling with me on the couch-both of us in sleepy mode.

“What are these mom?”
“They’re stretch marks, hun.”
“How’d they get there?”
“My tummy stretched a lot when you girls lived in there.”
“Well it looks like a map! With a lot, A LOT of freeways!”
“Yeah, thanks Paisley. It does look like a map.”

That stung, but then she started doing something odd. She traced the stretch marks one by one with her fingers and said-get this:

“I think they’re pretty! They are all shiny like satiny. And all the stretch marks are the map to where I came from!”

I kissed her forehead, and remembered exactly why I should not be ashamed to have them. They kind of are the map to where my kids came from. Its been an honor and a blessing to be their mommy, and I would not trade it for anything, especially minor vanity.

Update! Slowly learning to love my new body! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 11 Comments

I had posted 10 months ago about how much I hated my body and how much I envied all of the thin girls I see day in and day out. I am proud to say (although I have not lost a single pound) I am now slowly learning to love my body and be proud of it! I took this picture and keep it with me to look at when I’m feeling down or ugly. For some reason I just feel so good about it! I know I’m nowhere near where I want to be but I think I’m finally ok with it! Hopefully things will just keep getting better and better from here!

~Age: 23
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 20 months

081210-anon-1

A Healthier Lifestyle (Georgia)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Tattoo, Update 9 Comments

Previous entries here and here.

Age: 25
Pregnancies: 1 Births: 1
Weeks PP – 13

I thought I would give another update on how things are going. Im 13 weeks post partum. Loving every minute of being a mommy. I have lost all of my pregnancy weight, plus 8 pounds more. I have been doing, Lindsay Brins postnatal bootcamp dvd workout. Saved my life! Lol.

My husband and I decided 3 months ago to change our lifestyle. Get in better shape and eat better, so we can be healthier for our son. He lost 20 pounds and is very fit now, I lost 15 pounds and have trimmed up a bit. There are still good days and bad days. Sometimes Im like “Whos breasts are those? So deflated and soft..” and “Why wont the layer of fat on my tummy go away?!” other days I think “Im looking pretty dang good for 13 weeks PP..” .. I think no matter what we will have these good days and bad days.

I hope someday when I have a daughter.. my unhealthy relationship with my body will have changed.. I never want her to think shes not good enough. I want to show her how to live a healthy lifestyle and love herself. My mother never showed me that.

Anyway this will be my last update until 1 year post partum.

Pictures: My before and afters (1 week PP and 13 weeks PP), my son, my son and I, and my little family. ( If you want pics of me pre baby, please see my previous posts =) )

Thanks for reading! and hang in there ladies! Remember: “Be miserable or motivate yourself, whatever has to be done, its always your choice..”


Updated here.

My Story of Childbirth (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Twins 7 Comments

i had just left school,starting college when i found out i was pregnant, at the start i didnt know what to do. i was so scared and alone. i was in a relationship with a man i loved for 6months but knew for a long time before,but the last thing i thought of was being pregnant!
i went to the local doctor who comfirmed i was 8-9 weeks preg and examined me etc and booked me into a hospital. at the time i was 16 and had to think of how i was going to tell my mum and dad! dad was great about it,mum was a little annoyed. but it could of been worse i could of been dying etc!

my man was also fine. just came as a shock to every one. my first scan was 12 weeks and i was that early they had to do an internal scan. this is the day we found out we were havin two babies and not one,i was laughing and crying at the same time, anthother shcok to tell everyone, seeing my lil babies on that screen made so proud that i could be the mother carrying these precious little things. i didnt think it would be possible. i had always been slim and around 8 stone for my 5.6 height. the doctor told me to take it easy as i was so young and that my frame weight etc mite make it hard for me to carry to full term. that got me worried.

i started showin after 3 months ,a little baby bump it was so cute.after 5 months i just got bigger and bigger lol. i was never sick alot but i had heartburn every single day all ay long i hated it! every scan went great,no problems wat so ever. i was soo happy.

i got nearer and nearer my due date i started to worry about the labour i was scared. reality was kickin in that these babies wernt staying inside me forever.
the hospital told me they were goin to start me at 39 weeks. my waters broke the night before i went into hospital but labour was slow and tiring so they gave me a drip to start my contractions and i got an epidural. contractions were sore and the pressure of delivering the babaies was horrible. i was glad thje pain was over and
both my little babies were healthy and ok, twin 1 was the smallest at 5.5 pounds and the 2nd twin was 6.5. i had stiches and was home in 3 days.

i wouldnt change a thing apart from my belly now. it really makes me feel down and although i know i should be proud of what i have acheived but i cant. i would love a tummy tuck but couldnt afford it. i am trying to lose a bit of weight as i am 10 stone now. and at 5.5 height that is overweight,it is hard to keep motivated!
ihave really small boobs now,34b size and stretch marks over them and my belly and sides. all my weight seems to go to my hips now.

i read stories on her and im amazed by some of them use are all very strong minded woman and i wish i was like that x

Not happy with the new me. (B’s Mommy)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 11 Comments

Age: 22
1 Pregnancy, 1 Birth Via C-section
6 months PP

Six months ago I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy. I was in labor for nearly 30 hrs, I pushed for 3 and then had to have a c-section. My little man weighed 9 lbs 7 oz! This was my first pregnancy and it was unexpected, but I wouldnt change it for the world. I have had many ups and downs in these past 6 months. B has been in and out of the hospital. During these past 6 months I’ve heard more crying then i’ve heard my entire life. He has cried almost every day for the majority of the days. We didnt know what was wrong, and neither did the doctors. They passed it off as ‘colic’ and each time it kept getting worse. Finally a doctor figued out that he had a Urinary tract infection and he was put on antibiotics. They keep coming back and we don’t know why. He also has acid reflux and a milk allergy. It has been a difficult time but he makes me smile every day!

One thing that doesn’t make me happy is my new body. I really try hard to be happy with myself. I have been trying to work out and eat healthy, but it’s hard to do being a single mom. I gained 70 lbs during my pregnancy! I went from 120 up to 190! I was used to being small. Just when I start feeling a bit better about myself I have yet another person ask me if I am expecting again, or “how far along are you”. Even strangers ask me, it’s pretty depressing! I have more stretch marks then I can count and a sagging stomach. I don’t think I will ever feel comfortable naked around anyone. I wish I could just feel happy with myself, regardless of all this, but where do I start?

My husband calls me beautiful (Alyssa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom 12 Comments

Age: 20
Pregnancies and Births: 1 pregnancy and 1 birth
The age of your child: A terrible two year old

I was married at 16, pregnant at 17 and gave birth to my handsome little 9lb 10oz baby boy when I was 18. Here I am now 20 years old, still happily married to the man I love but inside of me I feel ugly, worthless, and worst of all a failure as a mother. I had the perfect body, skinny waist, big perky natural breasts, a firm butt and killer legs. My husband is in the military and I gave new meaning to standing at attention when I would swing by work for whatever the reason may have been. Back then my husband called me stunning, beautiful, etc. He wanted a baby more than anything with me, and because of my stupidity on the honeymoon a month or so later I found out I was pregnant. When I took the test and saw it was positive I cried, not of happiness but of complete sadness, the same could not be said for my husband, I don’t think I had ever seen him so happy before. I had to go back home and finish high school so I spent my senior year pregnant, constantly ridiculed and such, thankfully I had enough credits to graduate early in January, I couldn’t stand the talk of prom and senior trip when all I could think about were the increasingly large stretch marks growing on my stomach. Needless to say I started out at 130lbs and the day I was admitted I was 200lbs. After an emergency C- section and almost losing my child I sit here today writing of my story. I haven’t lost all the weight it took me til now, 2 years later, to reach 145lbs and my husband still calls me beautiful. He doesn’t care about my stretch marks, or my overlap of extra skin and I wish when he says that to me that i really feel it. I do not blame my little boy anymore like I used to, but instead I beat myself up for allowing myself to fall so deep into this pit of self loathing. My husband is in Afghanistan right now, and told me today that even though he is thousands of miles away, my beauty can still be seen. I guess the point of this story was more to vent to those who I know have experienced and have gone, or are going through what I am. I just cannot seem to find myself to be beautiful like my husband sees, but I know that girl is in there somewhere wanting to come out again.

It is what it is! (Nina)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions 7 Comments

I am 31, and I have two babies. The first one was born in August 2005, the second born in July 2007, so I’m 3 years pp since my last baby. I’ve been pregnant two more times, on top of that, but they both left my body before the 3 month mark.

Two years before having my first kid, I had a breast lift. I’d wanted one so badly for many years! As a teen, my breasts came overnight, and when they did, they weren’t the perky pair that I spied on my friends. They sagged, had stretchmarks, and worst of all, they weren’t team players. Meaning, they had each settled on their side of the body, never the twain shall meet. I called them my National Geographic Breasts, since they resembled something you’d see on a tribal woman from Papua New Guinea. It affected my self image, my self worth, and my sex life. Lights OFF please! Having them done gave me freedom, personal and sexual, and I wore clothes I’d previously never dreamed of wearing. Fun while it lasted!

After breastfeeding twice (totally possible, the surgery removed skin only, not touching mammary glands or nipples), my breasts are back to square one. Slightly better than before, the nipples at least point upwards now! My belly has taken a beating too. Soft, saggy, with a peekaboo bellybutton. My children love them though. We’re often naked at my house, when it’s just us. The kids love to come and press their faces into my soft belly, and carress my breasts, old friends that they are. I did have the belly jowls before, but for the past year I’ve insistantly dry brushed my skin every day, before showering, and that has really improved my belly. Jowls are gone, skin is softer, and the rippling surface looks smoother. I do suffer from some odd condition though. It’s like keratosis pilaris, but it’s right on my old stretchmarks. Not as severe as Pupps rash, but still not all that appetizing.

When the money comes along, I would like to have another breast lift. And a tummy tuck. I’m pretty sure I’m done having babies, but it’s a good idea to wait a few years to be totally sure before blowing that kind of money. I love my husband, and he loves me, but in the event that we ever split, and I find a new man one day, I don’t want to be weighed down by a body that is scarred from the pregnancies of a previous relationship. Like a lot of people on this website have commented, I feel like I’m living a double life. I’m beautiful and really sexy in the right dress. Downright irresistable if I do say so myself ;) But the dress and the expensive, ironlike bra comes off – and everything goes about a foot south! It feels like I’m false advertising!

Until then, I console myself by being otherwise happy and healthy. I have all my limbs, a beautiful face and a pretty good sense of style that camouflages most of my flaws. I try not to look at my body close up in the mirror, keeping a safe distance of about 10 ft. Arms up doesn’t hurt! I look pretty good at that distance! We should all have a sticker on the mirror that says: “Warning, object in mirror may appear worse than it really is!”

I had no idea pregnancy would do this to my body, but in retrospect, I remember being so excited about being pregnant, that I couldn’t wait for it to show. I think I over-ate on purpose, so the belly would hurry up and grow. At any rate, I gained about 20-25 kilos (50 lbs) with both pregnancies, and people always asked if I was carrying twins. Both my babies were pretty big, around 8-9 lbs, but they are healthy, beautiful, smart, funny and all that jazz, so not a drop of regret there! Part of this is learning to accept that I’m not a kid anymore, my body isn’t tight and elastic, but I’m still pretty hot, in my own way (aka clothed!).

080910-nina-1

Only 9 days postpartum, but discouraged… (Renee)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Tattoo, Toxemia, Update 11 Comments

I gained 65 pounds with my son. It’s not that I was overeating; quite the opposite was true. I started uncontrollably gaining weight (sometimes 7-9 lbs a week) and finally the doctor caught on. I had pre-eclampsia. Needless to say, all that extra water stretch my skin out something bad. On July 12, I gave birth to my son (after a 3 hour labor). Now, 9 days post, I am 31 lbs lighter but still discouraged. I know I should be patient but I am so scared that my husband will leave me soon just because I don’t look right…. Right before I got pregnant, I was desperately trying to lose weight that some meds had made me gain. Now, I don’t know if I’ll accomplish it…I can’t stand to look at myself.

~Age: 25
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 9 days postpartum

Updated here.