Postpartum

Underneath it All (Heidi)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom, Update 9 Comments

19 years old
1 pregnancy, 1 birth
3 1/2 months PP

In March of 2010, I met the man who would give me our beautiful son. I was the epitome of the typical (stereotyped) 18 year old, I stopped going to school to party all night and sleep all day. All I cared for was getting high, getting drunk, getting s*x. School wasn’t important, they told me I wasn’t going to graduate with my class (of ’10), so I gave up on going.

I got kicked out of my house a couple weeks after my 18th birthday (Feb. 26th), and spent a couple weeks bouncing from house to house until I met my fiancé. I moved in with him permanently, with a very strong intention to start a relationship.

Within about three weeks of us living together and being together, he asked if we could try to have a baby. I agreed wholeheartedly. I’m still not sure why, it just seemed like a good idea. Well, I was pregnant the next month. I had figured out my approximate window of time where I was ovulating, and two weeks later I missed my period (I was always regular). I took a pregnancy test and I was pregnant! We were so excited, but we were the only ones. Everyone likes to form their own opinions: “too young”, “too soon into the relationship”, etc. I didn’t care, I was extremely happy.

I was 134lbs before pregnancy. within the first four months, I had dropped to 114lbs because I suffered from hyperemesis gavidarum. I was not hospitalized for it. I was only able to drink Pepsi (I don’t know why), and I could barely keep any food down. I was vomiting maybe seven times a day at the most, mainly when I got up the courage to try to eat something. I was always tired, but I pushed myself to go to “work” (I babysat three children next door from around 5-6pm until 2-3am) because it was the only income we had at the time. Eventually, I got so weak that I just could not bear the thought of babysitting, and I called off working for her one day (She didn’t even have work, she just wanted to go tan at the beach), and she fired me.
I was exhausted, but I was so happy to be 114lbs. I’d always struggled with my weight and body image. Even at 125lbs, I thought I was fat. I got stretch marks when I was only 13 (I hit puberty at 11) and my chest size when from a B to a D in one summer. I was around 127lbs, and I was horrified. I’m only 5’2″, and I felt terribly chunky. I knew I was predispositioned to be curvy, but I was a stick before, so I honestly had no idea what “curvy” meant.

114lbs was the thinnest I’d been since I was around 12. I didn’t “hate” that I’d only achieved the weight b/c I was pregnant, but you can bet I wished I could be that weight afterwards!

I didn’t start showing until about the end of my 5th month, but I was still happy with my weight, my shape (I was all belly at the time), everything.

By the end of my pregnancy, I weighed around 157lbs. I started suffering from depression again (I was diagnosed with MDD-Major Depressive Disorder at age 14) when I hit 145lbs. After I gave birth, my weight only went down to 154lbs. My son was born a healthy 6 lbs, 13 oz, but I hadn’t even lost that much! I was so disappointed.

To top it off, I had a very hard birth. My epidural only worked partially (on my legs, they might as well have not been there for how much I could feel them), so I had horrible, painful back labor, my midwife would not let my fiancé or my Mum help me with holding my legs at my chest (I don’t know why). I got an episiotomy at the very end of my 18 hour labor (three hours pushing) and my beautiful baby boy was born three pushes later at 1:56pm on January 12th, 2011.

I decided to breastfeed early on, and I am proud to say I still am (despite a nasty case of mastitis 3wks PP). I went down to about 147lbs in two weeks, but I haven’t gone below 153lbs since the end of 1 month PP. I was told by many nurses and midwives that the baby weight just melts off when you breastfeed. This has not been true for me, but I’m not going to stop feeding my son breastmilk just because of the stubborn fat.
I absolutely hate to look in the mirror though. All I see is fat everywhere. My thighs touch almost down to my knees, my stomach is poochy, stretched marked and squishy. My boobs are alright, I’m used to them being huge and they didn’t really get many stretch marks, I already had some from puberty, but I’d never been terribly self-conscious of those.

I wear a size 15. I get upset a lot going clothes shopping (which I don’t really do) because most of the stores I like to shop at, I can’t find my size. I went to the mall with my fiancé for my 19th bday, and I cried because I could not find one pair of pants that fit. I couldn’t even find a bra, because at the time I had shot up to a DD. I still grab shirts that would fit my prepregnancy body when I’m shopping. Sometimes I laugh when I realize my mistake, and sometimes I get very sad. I have absolutely no will to exercise, it never helped me much before. I look back at the body I used to have and I wonder why I was so unhappy with it. I’d love to be a size 5 again. At one point, I fit into a 0, but that’s way too much to ask for lol.

My fiancé is very supportive. He thinks I look just fine. He supports me wanting to lose weight, but I get mad and accuse him of thinking I’m fat when he asks me if I want to exercise or if he suggests buying an array of chocolate bars is not a good idea (I’ve always been a chocoholic).

I don’t believe him when he says I look fine, I’m always putting myself down. Sometimes it gives me a spark of happiness when he says I look good. Because I want to believe that I do. I want to feel like I do. One of my younger sisters asked me how I’m going to fit in a wedding dress if I’m so fat. She also told me I still look pregnant.

I hope that sometime soon I feel good in clothes and out of them. My goal weight is 130lbs by my wedding date, November 12th of this year. I have to be careful about rapid weight loss while breastfeeding though. I hope I can do it.

1st picture: Me in May of ’09
2nd picture: 8 months pregnant
3rd picture: 3 1/2 mos PP
4th picture: 3 1/2 mos PP
5th picture: 3 1/2 mos PP
6th picture: 3 1/2 mos PP
7th picture: My son Ruskin Damian Dodge, 3 1/2mos
8th picture: My son again
9th picture: My beautiful family

Updated here.

I Rock, Size 00 or Not (Katy)

Bonnie (SOAM) Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 9 Comments

I rock, size 00 or not

I had a special photo shoot done with Gretchen McFarland Photography for a surprise birthday present for the Pilot. Family members may not want to look. I have always been a pretty confident person. I also
don’t have a lot of shame and for the most part could care less how people think of me. I was a ballet dancer & loved being on stage. When I had to quit ballet for a hip injury, I went to running. Running kept me in shape. I was running normally about 8 miles every other day and was planning on running the Marine Corps Marathon in Oct of 08. As soon as I felt better after twisting my knee by stepping on a dog, I found out I was pregnant and stopped running. This August will mark three years since my last run (I wasn’t medically cleared to run after giving birth to the Hoo, due to the same hip problems). I loved my body when running. I had muscles & definition. Abs. Great thighs. My husband loved me too. I like being in shape. Two kids later, yeah, not so much. I am still about 7-10lbs off from where I was pre-pregnancy.

-off subject tangent- Why can’t thin people be bothered by their own fat or unhealthiness? I feel so much like that if you aren’t overweight, you have no right to complain. And yes, thin people never have to go through the ridicule or whatnot that overweight people do. But losing weight should be more about just looking good; it should be about feeling good. Healthy. I have no doubt in my mind that there are some people my height with 20 extra lbs on them that can run a mile faster. I am so not in shape right now! And I hate that. -end rant-

I had ordered what I was going to wear weeks ago. When I tried it on before the shoot, I hated it all. I hated the way I looked. I didn’t like how some pieces cut into my now softer body. I felt like the
bottoms made my hips seem even wider, my butt bigger. I felt fat and unhealthy, far from the usual confident person I am. I wanted to be perfect for Pilot, back down to my size 00, with a rock hard body.
But I wasn’t. I was a tired mom of 2 who hasn’t been able to make it to the gym & who also gave birth just 3 months ago. I was thinking of Heidi Klum, who walked the runway what, 6 weeks after she gave birth?
Where were her hips? Where was her line from ribcage to hips dividing the softness of belly & loose skin from pregnancy? Or are Hollywood moms so above the rest of us that it never happens to them?

It isn’t that. I am a full time mom, in all ways. I don’t have a nanny (or hell, even a husband around) who I can pass the kids off to while I go work out. I don’t have a chef preparing me fresh, healthy meals every day. I am lucky if I can grab a piece of toast & some yogurt for breakfast. I live off sticks of Colby jack cheese, coffee, almond M&Ms, fruit & nuts throughout the day. I don’t have the money to spend on liposuction, spa treatments, and specialty creams…so why am I letting the constant swarm of media shatter my self-confidence? Why, when I am so vastly different from the women we see in media am I paying any attention to them? I am real, not some airbrushed, snipped, plastic, vapid woman on the cover of Star or Vogue. And more importantly, what would my girls think if they saw me like this? I never say anything negative about my appearance around them. I don’t want them to grow up thinking they have to be perfect in their looks, hearing their mother’s moaning over her own perceived imperfections. I want them to have a positive body image and to realize that they are beautiful no matter what size they fit in. The perfection they are swarmed with isn’t real, and I plan to do my best to make sure they know what goes into making the images they see. Real will always be more beautiful. The human body is a work of art. I don’t want them sitting in front of the mirror in their prom dress nearly in tears over the way it is cut, or being ashamed of their nakedness, picking apart their body until there is nothing left to love. Their body is a
gift from God and I want them to appreciate, use, and love every part of them, from the brain in their head down to their toes. I want them to shout proudly, “I love myself, no matter what Barbie/Vogue/gossip
magazines/E! Channel/advertisements tell me I should be!” The mass media has done such an excellent job of telling women that we suck, our bodies are inferior, and we need this weight loss fad, this cream,
this make up, these shoes, these pills, etc to make us this ‘perfect’ shallow shell of what we really are. We need to celebrate our bodies, not berate ourselves for perfection that is really just a false ideal to sell us junk.

I stopped tearing myself apart. I looked at myself in the mirror and said, “Fuck you media.” I rocked at the height of my running/working out days. I rock now. I walked in there wearing my 5-inch patent leather peep toe pumps with pride. I am a woman. I am a mother. And I am damn smokin’ hot, size 00 or not.

Originally posted here. Photographs here.

C(section) You in Heaven, My Dear (Krystal)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Child Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 21 Comments

My third, and what I was hoping to be my final, pregnancy was beautiful in every way. I was always an active Preggo momma and continued this through my third pregnancy with walking, riding bikes and yoga. My first 2 pregnancies were also active and easy, leaving my body in pretty good shape and with healthy natural births. With just a few stretch marks here and there to complement the easy loving children who came with them. I was heading into my 38th week of pregnancy and preparing for a homebirth with a midwife who seemed to be just wonderful and perfect to accompany us. Again my body was holding up so well and I was always happy that each of my children left me with just a few battle scars. Oct. 27th I had a MW appointment and was gaining steadily, baby was ready for arrival and I was happy to only have acquired another 3 or 4 stretch marks with the 45 lb. gain on my 5’2” frame. Little did I know the next day would leave me with one of the hardest scars to accept. I awoke at 5 am, on Oct. 28th, and was instantly worried because my little bean wasn’t waking me up like she usually did at 3 am doing jumping jacks. I waited it out till about 7 am and was only getting small shifts. I called my MW and received no answer so I called the OBGYN I was also working with through my pregnancy. The nurse called me back about 930 am and told me to head on up to the hospital. My MW was still no where to be found as she is even to this day. I went in and at about 1030 am I was called back to have a NST. The sweet sound of my little beans Heartbeat was beautiful and a normal 141. My husband showed up about 10 minutes later and we sat and listened to the sweet thumping sounds coming from the little machine next to me. Suddenly, as if the world stopped, her heartbeat did too going from 141, to 80 , 40, 80……gone. That little machine then turned into the worst little machine I had ever seen when it started alarming to warn us that my baby was in distress. The Dr. took me to L&D where I was stripped, gassed and cut open. The very last thing I remember was my baby moving one last time in me to say goodbye before she headed on up into the Lords arms. I awoke 4 hours later to the most excruciating pain and life shattering news that I was cut open, robbed of my soul and left scarred and empty armed. I have a scar now stretching 8 inches across my abdomen reminding me on a daily basis that I have an angel in heaven, just waiting for me to join her some day, thanks to the grace of the good Lord. I try daily to accept this scar as a reminder of Gods grace and promise that some day I will see my little angel Stella again.

~Age: 28
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies, 2 live births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 12, 4, 6 months post partum from my angel baby’s birth

My Belly Has Stripes Like a Zebra’s (Stephanie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 2 Comments

Every day I see in the magazines, and on TV all of these women/mothers that are perfect 6 weeks after having a baby (if not sooner) and after reading this site, and everyone’s stories it made me realize, we are taught to think so badly of our stretch marks and our pooches because we don’t see them in the magazines and on TV every day. We see perfection. Well in my eyes, my zebra striped pouch came from something and someone special. I am a single mom, and I DO worry about whether or not the next man I am with will accept me stripes and all. But then I think to myself, if he loves me and wants to be with me, he will accept what I did with my body and what it went through to give my child life. I will never regret that I didn’t drop the weight right away, or that I have stretch marks in some of the most random places. I am happy, and my son is happy, and to me that is all that matters to me.

Two Blessings, My Sister and My Problem (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Four or More Pregnancies, Plus-Sized Mom, Postpartum, Submissions 4 Comments

I am 37 and have had 6 pregnancies and 2 live births. My first born is 3 year and 3 months and my second is 13 months old. I became a plus size after my first pregnancy and I still am. I don’t like my body and from time to time I wish I could come off my skin. I had a new year resolution to loose the weight and exercise. I felt unattractive and have been having problems with my husband for that, I don’t want to be intimate with him because I feel so ugly and that the belly and extra fat gets in the way. He tells me he loves me just as I am… so it is me the problem, I cannot look at my self in the mirror and think how bad I look…

I had both babies by c-section. With the first one I had postpartum depression, I cried for everything and anything and to make everything worse I was afraid of my baby. With the second one I had no time to think of depression. My oldest expected me to be there and so did the new born, I have no family or friends to help, so I pulled my act together just for them. I have nursed both of them and with my last I still am, baby is not showing interest on getting of the breast milk, refuses water, juice, milk.

14 days into the new year my sister tells me that she is going to have a tummy tuck and a liposuction done… I felt scared for hear and tried to talk to her out of it but no such luck on January 18th I called to talk to her and come to find out that she was in the OR having the procedure done, I had so many things going through my head… now I will be the ugly one of the bunch, I am going to be the fat and deformed one, to a point I felt envy, one because she was able to pay for a procedure like that and two because she was escaping the gang of us chubby ones. That same day I tried talking with her on the phone but she was not up to it, so I waited for the next day and that night I kept thinking those same thoughts of envy and self pity. The next day I woke up and went to the chiropractor like I always do on Wednesdays and felt the need to talk to my sister. At noon I received the most horrible news of all my sister, the better part of me had died of a pulmonary embolism.

Now 3 months latter I am still 185 pounds on a 5’2” tall body and feeling guilty for the thoughts of envy, for my lack of commitment to my new year resolutions, without my best friend and confident and with a husband that does not understand why I cannot love my body and my self.

Twice Blessed (mommy2twincesses)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cosmetic and/or Reconstructive Surgery, Postpartum, Submissions, Twins 21 Comments

After suffering the heart breaking loss of a miscarriage, my husband and I were beyond elated to find that shortly after we were expecting twins. From that amazing discovery at just 7 weeks, I slathered myself religiously with any and every tummy/stretch mark cream I could get my hands on. By the time I was 30 weeks I still had not been graced with stretch marks but decided that I’d better go ahead and take maternity photos at that time, just in case. It’s a good thing too, because at straight up 31 weeks my tummy looked like a road map. At that point I swear I thought I couldn’t get any bigger if I’d even wanted to without literally popping open, but low and behold I did. By the time I delivered my gorgeous identical twin girls via c-section at 35 weeks I measured an impressive 44 inches. My girls were healthy and at that time that was all that mattered. Within the first weeks after their arrival I didn’t have time to think about my body’s aftermath and honestly thought that with time I would “get my body back”. However, after two years of trying to “get it back” through healthy diet and exercise, I finally admitted to myself that although the weight was gone (and then some) that there was nothing I could do about the “twin skin” and in fact, the more I lost, the more saggy my tummy got. My wonderful husband knew full well that my insecurities was not only damaging my relationship with myself, but it was driving a wedge between us too because I was so ashamed of my body that I simply refused to let him see my naked body. He fully supported my wishes to have my belly surgically corrected and for us, it was the best decision we could’ve made! I still have stretch marks, but finally, I feel like and can see ME again!

The shape of a mother should be one that she is completely proud of and confident in. For me, it took drastic measures, but there is still plenty of evidence of the miracles my body grew and nurtured. At 28 years young, I just couldn’t see spending the rest of my life ashamed of my body and now, I don’t have to! And through sharing this as well as my blog I want to give others hope and let them know that yes, you should love yourself, but if you were injured or disfigured in an accident you wouldn’t think twice about correcting the damage done and in my eyes, pregnancy is no different.

My Story (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo 8 Comments

At 19 I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend (now husband) and I were scared and shocked but we knew we wanted our little Angel. I worked for the first 7 months of my pregnancy as a Driver at a plumbing company. This kept my body in great shape and know one could even tell I was pregnant. Then we moved to PA to be with my family. The last two months I did not do much of anything. As a result my weight sky-rocketed from 135 to 179. I got stretch marks everywhere, thighs, belly, calves. Thankfully I have my sides tattoed with a Phoenix. This helped to hide some of the stretch marks. I also, stupidly left my belly ring in. It is not destroyed. I wear an over the top one simply to hide what damage it did from leaving it in. I had my son vaginally and every part of me felt worn out and ugly. I didn’t want my husband to touch me because I just felt disgusting. Thankfully I did not get postpartum depression very bad. The only thing I was unhappy with was the radical changes my body had endured. At 22 now, my son is 2 1/2 and he is healthy and I have struggled with my weight for quite some time. It was hard to get used to the fact that I was never going to look the same again. Finally I accepted it and decided that although my stomach might not be firm like it used to, my breasts will never be perky like they used to, and the stretch marks will always be there, I decided I didn’t care. I decided that I was still beautiful. I started to slowly work out so I could at least feel healthy again. I am now at 129 and I feel wonderful and I feel sexy again. A feeling that I have been missing since my son was born. This site has helped me to realize that I am not the only one with stretch marks as bad as they are, and I am not the only one thats breasts will never stand like they used to and it doesn’t matter because we are all beautiful and we are all mothers. Thank you so much!!!

FYI: White dress is a year before I got pregnant. Red dress is a year after I had my son, at my wedding. The rest are all current as of now since I have been working out a little more.

Pregnancies: 1
Age: 22
Children 2 1/2 yrs old

Still Coping After Almost Five Years (Lora)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 6 Comments

My name is Lora. This is my story.

I was 18 yrs old when I found out I was pregnant the first time, and I found out by having a miscarriage. When I had made it to the doctor’s they told me I was four months along. I had no idea that I was pregnant. My periods were regular and nothing was “strange” was happening with my body. However, I felt a huge loss when this happened. Even though I didn’t know about the baby until after the fact, I still felt guilty. So when my husband and I found out we were pregnant for the second time, we were thrilled!! I was 20yrs old, and we had been married almost a year by then. I was a normal 20yr old. I had a wonderful body that I was proud of. I worked out, and had gone my entire life never having to worry about what I ate, and when I ate it. My pregnancy we extremely easy. I had no morning sickness, no crazy hormone imbalance. I felt great!! Except once my girl started ‘really’ growing, my body had no where to put her except straight out in front of me!!! From behind you could not tell I was pregnant. Even standing in front of me at the right angle you couldn’t tell. But when I turned to the side, Wham! haha…I was so worried about the skin and stretch marks that were starting all over, but my family kept encouraging me saying, “don’t worry, that happens to all women. It snaps right back after the baby.” This mostly coming from my mother and my aunt who both had 3 children, and not a trace showed on their bodies. I decided to believe them for the time being. But after my daughter was born 9/24/07 by c-section, I began to realize what they had said wasn’t true in my case. Immediately after the birth my tummy sagged. My husband kept telling me that after I lost the pregnancy weight it would go back. But it never did. I was so miserable with myself that first year after her birth, I didn’t lose any weight at all. I even gained some replacing my baby’s weight. I was 21yrs old, and while all my friends enjoyed summer days in bathing suits, I couldn’t even bare putting on a pair of shorts. I had stretch marks in my inner thighs, outer thighs, breasts, and of course my tummy. To make matters worse, I had sustained an injury to one of my breast before my pregnancy and never gave it a second thought, until I started breast feeding. The one that was damage had a reduced milk flow, so as my other breast grew and grew, the injured one did not. I found myself padding bra’s and wearing very lose shirts to hide it. I just felt so ashamed of myself and felt like it was all my fault. “just lose the weight” my husband would say. Finally after a year, I decided to finally take him up on that, and was just further depressed. No matter how much weight I lost (30lbs total) and was only 3lbs away from my prepregnancy weight, my tummy still sagged. My breasts were still uneven and lop sided, and I still couldn’t wear a bathing suite outside. I am now 24yrs old and after 4yrs I am finally starting to adjust to this new me. My daughter is now 3 1/2 yrs old. We also found out that we are expecting again! Our second child is due 11/26/11 of this year, and I have decided that there is nothing that this baby can do to me, and my daughter hasn’t already done!!!

Five Years Later and Still 20lbs Heavier and Loving It – Confessions of a Skinny Girl (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 10 Comments

I love what pregnancy has done to my body, beforehand I was skinny as a rail and super self-conscious of my body. People used to say that they were afraid to hug me because they thought I would break. I wore long sleeve shirts and pants my entire life to hide my “chicken arms and legs.” Some people can’t understand the woes of being too skinny, but it can have just as detrimental effects growing up as being overweight. I was so ridiculed and ashamed. Now I have a body that another human being helped me shape, it is round, soft and pudgy in places…and I love it. I feel more like a women than I have ever before in my life, I have curves and am now officially embraceable :)

Current Age: 34
Number of Births: 1

Photos: First picture I am 2 months pregnant. Second picture I am about 7 months pregnant. Third picture I am 9 months pregnant. Fourth picture I am 3 months postpartum. Fifth and sixth picture I am almost 6 years postpartum. Seventh picture is my baby girl at 3 months old (who is now a whopping 5 years old!)

I am Blessed with One (Cassandra)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom 6 Comments

Pregnancies: 6 Births: 1
Age:19
Postpartum: 4 months and counting.

This is very hard for me to write. I had my first miscarriage at 15. I was 9 weeks pregnant, it was very hard, no one knew I was pregnant it had to be kept a secret. I had to mourn my loss on my own, from that day forth I’ve never felt so alone. After that, I lost 3 more children in the years to come also at 9 weeks. Doctors told me I’d never be able to hav a child. :(

They were very wrong. On June 9th 2010 I found out I was pregnant, terrified when the doctor told “you’re 9 weeks!” I quickly bursted into tears. But as days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months my confidence in the pregnancy was sky high. I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl on January 12, 2011. She weighed 8lbs 12oz and was 21inches long.

And still I was very depressed. I still am. On April 15, 2011 I discovered I was pregnant 7 weeks., and on April 25, 2011 I miscarried, at 8 weeks.

My body is in a shape its never been before. I’m embarassed of my body, I hide it under layers of clothing. Before I had my daughter I weighed 120 lbs, after I had my daughter my weight has increased to 182 lbs. But with the help of my sister Jennifer Harmon and my husband Kevin Mendoza, I’ve realized… My body IS beautiful. My body shows a story of the struggles I went through, the tears I’ve cried, the children I’ve lost, and the child I’ve gained. I have the shape of a mother! Although looking in the mirror sometimes disgusts me, I have the strength within myself to see that the form of my body, that everyone else might see as flaws, I see as perfection. I carried a child of 9 months and 1 week. I am no celebrity, I am CASSANDRA RAE LEIJA and I am The Shape Of A Mother.!