I am 37 and have had 6 pregnancies and 2 live births. My first born is 3 year and 3 months and my second is 13 months old. I became a plus size after my first pregnancy and I still am. I don’t like my body and from time to time I wish I could come off my skin. I had a new year resolution to loose the weight and exercise. I felt unattractive and have been having problems with my husband for that, I don’t want to be intimate with him because I feel so ugly and that the belly and extra fat gets in the way. He tells me he loves me just as I am… so it is me the problem, I cannot look at my self in the mirror and think how bad I look…
I had both babies by c-section. With the first one I had postpartum depression, I cried for everything and anything and to make everything worse I was afraid of my baby. With the second one I had no time to think of depression. My oldest expected me to be there and so did the new born, I have no family or friends to help, so I pulled my act together just for them. I have nursed both of them and with my last I still am, baby is not showing interest on getting of the breast milk, refuses water, juice, milk.
14 days into the new year my sister tells me that she is going to have a tummy tuck and a liposuction done… I felt scared for hear and tried to talk to her out of it but no such luck on January 18th I called to talk to her and come to find out that she was in the OR having the procedure done, I had so many things going through my head… now I will be the ugly one of the bunch, I am going to be the fat and deformed one, to a point I felt envy, one because she was able to pay for a procedure like that and two because she was escaping the gang of us chubby ones. That same day I tried talking with her on the phone but she was not up to it, so I waited for the next day and that night I kept thinking those same thoughts of envy and self pity. The next day I woke up and went to the chiropractor like I always do on Wednesdays and felt the need to talk to my sister. At noon I received the most horrible news of all my sister, the better part of me had died of a pulmonary embolism.
Now 3 months latter I am still 185 pounds on a 5’2” tall body and feeling guilty for the thoughts of envy, for my lack of commitment to my new year resolutions, without my best friend and confident and with a husband that does not understand why I cannot love my body and my self.
I’m sorry for the loss of your sister. Those procedures often aren’t seen as life-threatening anymore because it’s so much more common for people to go under the knife, but it really is sad when something like that happens. Being down never helps you get anywhere and I know time is needed to grieve, but the best thing you can do for your children, your husband, and yourself is to be positive.
I had a hard time exercising because I felt like it was such a big task and it would be so much work and I never felt like it, but I started just going on a short walk around the block or hitting the gym for 20 minutes, just doing what I could; not trying to exhaust myself. In the past month I’ve seen improvement with my body. I feel better and more positive and can do so much more at the gym and on walks than when I first started. It’s all going at your own pace and slowly progressing. Good luck with your body image. You have the shape of a mother, be proud of it! :)
I am SO sorry for your loss. It must be unimaginably difficult for you. For whatever it’s worth, you DO NOT need to feel guilty. You were thinking normal human thoughts and they don’t make you a bad person. You just felt insecure and envious and scared. Again, that doesn’t make you bad, just human.
As for the weight loss, give yourself some time. Trying to make those sorts of major life changes when you’re grieving and don’t have the world’s best social support system isn’t easy. It also sounds to me like you still might also be fighting a bit of depression which would also make it harder. Just give it time.
I want to add that what really impresses me about your post is that you obviously really work at being a good mother. Through thick and thin you’ve been plugging along for your little ones. That is SO brave. Keep up the good fight mama! I hope things get a little easier for you!
Be kind to yourself. Give you a break for Pete’s sake. Really.
If I may, I’d like to add a bit of my story, perhaps to illustrate that we are so brainwashed with the idea of what is and what is not attractive that even when the evidence that this is wrong is right in front of us, we ignore it b/c it doesn’t jive with what we “know” to be “true”. After 2 children and 20 years of a difficult marriage, my husband left and we got a divorce. I was terrified that I would be alone forever because I was fat and ugly and who is going to want this body that bears the signs of 2 children from another man and 130 extra pounds from 20 years of living hand-to-mouth in poverty?
Within a few months, I met several men who were very much into my “shape” and my ex laments his decision now. (I don’t.) I have been dating the most wonderful guy for the last year who rejoices in my body and loves all the things it can do. It’s taught me to rejoice in those things and others as well and while I still cannot see the beauty that he does, I can at least accept that *he* sees it and loves it and allow him that gift–even if I’m not seeing it as a gift. As long as he does…and it sounds like your husband is seeing beauty where you are not. Accept that he sees it. Then, allow yourself to embrace the amazing things your body can do.
Please, please know – you are not alone. Not in your shape, how you feel or what you think. You look just like me and sound just the same. It isn’t easy. And when there’s another speed hump or the weight yoyo’s, it just puts you back to square one. But, I will tell you something I am only just learning after 10 years of marriage and 5 years PP – if your Husband tells you he loves you and your body, if he holds you and touches you and wants to be with you – accept it and accept him. Tell him how you feel, tell him you need to be held up, tell him you want to work with him. He will hold you up and cherish you. It will take some time. I’ve only just started being able to have sex with my Husband again after almost 2 years of not being able to tolerate anyone coming near me. Work at it. Speak with your GP. Relish in his opinion of you and it will help you come to terms with yourself.