No Photos (Story Only)

I Just Don’t Feel Good Anymore (Tawnya)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 6 Comments

Age: 20
Number of births: 1
Age of child: 1 year

My name is Tawnya, I just turned 20 and I’m a mother of a beautiful 1 yr old girl. I was 120lbs before I got pregnant, I was in a size 3. I gained 80lbs during my pregnancy. I’m just struggling with the way my body looks now (I’ve only lost 30lbs), I have stretchmarks everywhere and I just found out that I’m pregnant again. My family told me not to worry that I was young and my body would bounce back into shape, so I waited and waited nothing happened. I feel so ashamed of my body now and it seems like no one understands at all. Some of my friends had babies too and they didn’t get horrible looking stretch marks or gained a bunch of weight, no they were back in their pre-pregnant clothes just weeks after having their children. My boyfriend doesn’t understand either he tries to but in the end he has no clue about how I feel. I try to fix myself up, do my hair, dress nice but I still feel repulsive. I was starting to feel a little better about myself when I was loosing weight, but when I found out I was pregnant again it devastated me. I feel like I’m never going to feel good about myself again and the way I feel about my looks is taking a toll on my relationship. I love being a mom don’t get me wrong but I hate what the process of becoming one did to my body. I just feel so alone in everything I’m going through. This is the first time I can actually freely express myself and I hope someone out there knows what I’m going through and can give me some advice.

Update – The Shape that Love Built (Amanda)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Complications During or After Birth, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 5 Comments

Original entry here.

Age: 24 (had a birthday since posting my last article lol)
Number of Births: 3
Ages of Children: 5 years old, 23 Months old, and 4 months old.

Hello again!! I just thought that I’d update on my post “The Shape That Love Built”. I still feel the way I did in that one. I really do. I look at myself in the mirror and see past the sagging breasts,flabby belly, chubby legs and dimpled bum… and say “helloooooooooo gorgeous!” I am updating for another reason… to let people know that I’ve been through a lot since I wrote that last post, I gave birth 2 days after submitting the article actually. My son was 9lbs even, my SMALLEST baby, the easiest birth, but the hardest to recover from. You see. Sometime during the birth… my right leg was paralyzed. It’s not permanent, and I CAN use it again, but it took 6 weeks for me to be able to walk unassisted (as in, without a walker, cane or wheelchair),
and its been about 6 or so weeks since I gained feeling and control back, and I still cant feel parts of my leg, or the bottom of my foot. My leg is incredibly weak now, and I need a brace to walk, otherwise my leg just folds up under its own weight. For a time, I thought and asked myself; why me? And a little while ago, I realized that the answer was sitting right here. It happened because it was supposed to. That’s the simple answer anyways. The longer answer is that it happened so that I can be the voice for other women and show them that yes… something terrible and physically happened to me during the birth of my son, but I still get out of bed every day, I still slide down the stairs on my bum like my toddler does, and I still make them
breakfast, pack my eldest’s lunch for school, and get lost in my youngest son’s smiling face. It happened because I am supposed to show women that they can do it too. That its ok to scream, cry, stamp your
feet in frustration, and grieve when something terrible happens. I am supposed to be their voice, and tell the people that made this happen to me that its not ok, that they stole my independence from me, and show them that its not ok to just sweep it under the rug or let them think that I’ve forgotten (believe me, I haven’t and I am reminded every time I can’t help my 5 year old practice for soccer, or race around the back yard with my toddler, or dance with my baby). I believe that I also have to tell other women that this has happened to… because they ARE out there, that even though one or both of your legs aren’t working for you the way you want them to, and you have a brace or a chair to help you walk… you are still beautiful and
perfect. My leg is swollen right now. I am not sure why, neither are the doctors who have been trying to figure it out. It dimples when someone presses on it, it has stretch marks, and its not “pretty” to look at… but that’s just a small part of the overall package. If its happened to you, I understand. Its hard to deal with, but we do what we have to. And that my friends is what makes us stronger than the strongest man, it makes us more beautiful than this year’s sexiest woman, and it makes us even better than we were before… why? Because we have to work harder for it to make things like going to get a cup of water, showering, and all those little things that people who don’t have to deal with the un-cooperative limbs take for granted. So, I
guess I’m saying that I believe that you are all still beautiful, strong, and wonderful people… and to never take your legs for granted. I also think that I needed to update for my own well-being. I needed to say out loud (or at least on a public site/board) that I’m ok, and that there are a lot worse cases out there. Its my own personal therapy. I guess… I needed to get it off of my chest. Its been a huge weight that I’ve had to bare for the past 4 months, and it feels really good to write this, and tell others my story, and to let them know… that it does get better because once you hit rock bottom, the only way to go after that is up.

Disappointed (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 12 Comments

Original post here.

children: 5 yrs, 2 yrs

Today I was looking at soam and noticed the NYC newspaper had done a column on Soam I read it and continued on to read the comments.

I cried, I come to this sight when I am feeling low and need to see and hear people I can relate to and then ignorant comments take that comfort away. Those comments just solidify my fears of people thinking I’m gross, I was scared to post pictures in my last entry and now I probably will never post pics of myself in fear that people will see them, laugh and make comments I already get from myself. I wish I was one of those people who could just feel good about themselves and not compare myself to what I used to look like and not care what others think, but I’m not and hearing and seeing those comments is not getting me any closer.

Save the Mom Jeans (Jenna Moffit)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions 6 Comments

Age 24; Pregnancies 2; Births 1; 8 months post partum

There are too many days I wake up to my 8 month old daughter talking to herself in her pack and play at 5 am. When I look in, she sees me and her face lights up with joy; I can’t help but pick her up, put her in my husband and my bed, and pray for just 30 minutes more sleep. What I get, rather, is my hair pulled and kicked in the tummy. Between my daughter, our two dogs, my husband and me, our queen sized bed fills up pretty quickly. I roll out of our bed, pick her up, and we start our day. The days I don’t have to work, I immediately get thrown into a whorl-wind adventure of dirty diapers, sweet potato and peas, and of course chasing our golden retriever around, attempting to get the socks he has stock piled somewhere in our tiny apartment. Those days, I’m lucky to get a shower, let alone put make up on. On the days I work, I quickly get the two of us ready, and shuffle off to drop her off at her babysitters before I rush off to work, hoping to get coffee so I can stay awake throughout the day. Every day I wish I could sleep in until 12, take a 30 minute shower, put make up on and do my hair (in other than a pony tail that looks like I didn’t brush it), but those days are long gone. But would I change it? Absolutely not, because my daughter’s smile brings me more joy than not looking like I’ve just rolled out of bed ever has. Am I embarrassed of how I look: every day? Thank goodness my body bounced back pretty quickly (minus my breasts, which now hang somewhere by my belly button), or I think I may be completely devastated.

My lack of fashion isn’t the only area of my life to be drastically different. The complete aloneness I feel from the people I used to call friends is becoming more and more apparent to me. Being a mother and a young adult sometimes do conflict, but I wasn’t aware that also included the people who were once around me. I suppose our priorities do differ drastically, but I never imagined that people I were so close to would have never met my daughter in her 8 months of life. Hopefully there will be a day when that changes, but until then, my husband has always been my best friend anyways. Thank the universe for him.

So I’ll go home this evening, fix my daughter her favorite meal of spinach, apples, rutabagas and cereal, feed it to her while I’m in my pajamas, and go to bed at an early 8 pm. I’ll wonder if there’s ever going to be a time again when I have time to look decent when going out, or if I’ll ever have a best friend to call my own, knowing both are probably not going to happen any time soon. I’ll kiss my gorgeous daughter goodnight, put her favorite pink hippo in her arms, and tuck her in. Fight with the dogs for space on my growing smaller by the minute bed, and get ready to take it all on again tomorrow.

I Get it Now (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions 18 Comments

So, when my son was born, I remember finding this website and submitting a story of my own. I read it yesterday. I felt so sorry for myself. I hated how I looked, how I felt. I was depressed. I read so many “woes me” stories, and of course, the stories of strength and courage. But it never really sank in.

I get it now.

I get why complaining is not only stupid, it’s selfish. I get that the marks I have are the marks left by my son – my life.

You might ask yourself why – what changed? I’ll tell you. My sister was due any day now to have our first girl in the family. She went in for a routing check-up and they coudln’t find a heartbeat. Today my sister is giving birth to her first child, our first girl.. And my niece is born with angel wings.
Maybe I’m angry – well – I know I am. Maybe this is my outlet. But I guess I want to tell mothers who were just like me – stop the bitching. Harsh? Very much so – but guess what… We are a truly blessed bunch who may have given up their bodies to create this perfect little person.. But we got to take them home. My sister will be left with those same marks we all have, but she has nothing to ‘show for it’. She has no perfect baby to hold. She has nothing but an empty house and a truly broken heart.

This isn’t just a message to other mom’s out there – but a reminder to me as well. We were given the opportunity to hear that first cry, see those eyes open for the first time and whisper “hello.. I’m your mommy” (which may have been the most amazing, most memorable moment of my entire life). You are ALLOWED see them grow, learn, explore. Their first smile.. First steps.. First word…

So the next time you look in the mirror and think “God, I’m disgusting”..or “I wish I could just get rid of these stretch marks or this flabby skin” – Take a step back and go straight to that baby, give them the most sincere embrace you have ever given in your life – and be thankful you got to take your reason for looking like that home and your wish isn’t “I wish I didn’t have to go to a grave to visit her” or “I wonder what she would have looked like..who’s smile she would have had..”.

My New Tattoos (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Cesarean, Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 6 Comments

Age: 31
2 pregnancies/2 c-sections
20 months and 2 months

When I made my first submission I was in a great place and had finally accepted my new body. I was pregnant a month later (the first time we had unprotected sex) and enjoyed my second pregnancy just as much as the first – there’s something to be said for creating someone out of nothing…. Anyway, I gained just as much weight with this pregnancy (40lbs) but my body did very different things. My giant baby boy was born 11lbs 1oz with my first pregnancy. I had a couple stretch marks on my hips and some elephant skin on my belly but that was it. With my smaller little girl (9lbs 14oz) I got stretch marks all over the right side of my belly. I had been hoping for a vbac but my baby was in distress – every time I had a contraction her heartbeat went from 140 beats per minute to around 40. And do you know what upset me the most about having another c-section? Losing the giant scar I had from my first baby because he left so few marks on my body. The doctor had stapled me back together after my son was born, and the scar was probably 7 or 8mm wide in some places, and it had huge ridges and dents…. My new c-section scar is teeny tiny (I got stitches instead of staples), maybe a bit more than a hair wide. Except on one end, where I’ve still got a little bit of my baby boy tattoo left. And that’s what I’ve started calling all these special marks I have all over my body. My husband goes and gets a new tattoo every time he accomplishes something. Or wants to remember something. And he used to ask me if I was ever going to go get one. The other day I told him that my stretch marks and wrinkled skin and c-section scars are my tattoos. Even without them I’d never forget what I’ve accomplished or my wonderful little people, but I think these marks on my body are pretty darn special. I just really wish I knew which ones on my hips were from which kid :-)

Updated here.

Update (Lucia)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Submissions, Update 6 Comments

Previous entries here and here.

I read this site as often as I can now, I have a very active 9 month old and I try to be out with him as much as posible, and i´ve been meanin to share something with you all.

When I was little I remember asking my mom if a pregnant woman went back to her shape right after the baby came out, and she said yes, right away so I imagined it like when you deflate a ballon, it just goes back. Little did I know it was more complicated that that, then I got pregnant and curious as to what really happens to your body and I came across this site, so I talked to my mom and tried to remind her about that time she had told me that all mommies bodies go back after having their baby, and her response was “I don’t remember, but how did you believe me seeing that I ended up so deformed” deformed, that’s what she thought of herself, to me she was always beautiful and I didn’t know her before I was born so how was I
supposed to tell the difference?

I also remember that she would complain about how fat she was when I was, lets say 5, then we would look at pictures of that time when I was 9 and she´d say “Oh God! I was skinny back there and I couldn’t appreciate it, now I´ve turned into such a cow” And what I have seen in most of these post is something like that, women who were not completely happy with their pre preggo bodies and that would now kill for them, I just have a little advice, if I may.

Woman: enjoy your body AS IT IS, down go moping over what it USED to look like, don’t wait until it is gone to appreciate it, it would be really sad if you took a picture of yourself today and not realizing how beautiful you are until you see it years from now. And this applies to everything really, I apply this mostly to my baby, I try to love every one of his stages because they aint coming back, it gets harder in some ways and easier in others. Also, your fear of how looking bad is not helping, you put yourself under a magnifying glass every time you look at yourself in the mirror, and you assume everyone else sees the same flaws you do, and you give your supportive husband such a hard time cause you don’t believe he doesn’t care about (or sometimes doesn’t even see) your stretch marks or all of those imaginary flaws, that’s a good thing, and heres a secret, most men don’t notice and if they do, chances are they don’t care, I´ve always thought that when you put make up on to look pretty for a husband, boyfriend, men in general the ones who notice it the most are women, now women may notice your flaws, but if someone tells you something you really shouldn’t give a damn, especially if you’ve got one of those rare unsupportive spouses who do, try to put them in their place or see if you can make it without them, I know being a single mom is hard and not a first choice but you
shouldn’t allow them to psychologically abuse you or bully you, is that the kind of thing you want around your kids?

And lastly, as an update, I finally found some stretch marks! I was 5 moths pp and right out of the shower I bent over to wrap my hair up in a towel and there they were, little silver lines that I can only see when there’s direct sunlight and strect my skin, They are way down in my belly so any two pice bathing suit would almost cover them up, also at 8 months pp I found some more higher, near my navel, and it’s the weirdest think, I am totally sure it wasn’t there before, I mean I could see something weird but it seemed to be under my skin, ever happened to one of you? Oh and my breasts get smaller I can feel their share of stretch marks, then after a while if I focus a lot and have very good lighting I can see a couple of them.

Anyways, this post was intended to be much more articulate, but as I mentioned I have a very active baby and I shouldn’t sit here typing any longer because he is begging me to go out. Don’t wait until its too late to appreciate and love your body, try to look at yourself through the adoring eyes of your partner and kids.

Chemically, Artificially Me (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Poetry, Submissions, Update 3 Comments

Previous entries here and here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

if I were less of me

and more like you

would I be alright?

would you love me more

if I looked like the models in the magazine?

boney flesh, bared on glossy paper, beautiful?

layers of colours, a madeup mask.. hides you..

redefining your idenity

wrapped up in your image

and forgetting that you breathe

your tiny frame

breakable like glass

never thin enough..

the pages

they tell you who you are..

who you should be..

tired of the comparison

“the perfect look”

change this… change that

look like this..

this ever changing standard of beauty

distorted by the consuming vanity

physical scrutiny

you forget that I am real

you forget that I feel

I am not an object

I am not on display

and would it be okay if I were just ‘me’?

apart from the vision you have for me

I fade away

..and only this distorted image remains

who am I?

and what have I become?

chemically, artificially, me

My Story (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, No Photos (Story Only), Pregnant, Submissions 3 Comments

I have always been worried about the day I would find out I was pregnant. Not because I didn’t want a baby or a joy in my life but I had always felt insecure about my weight. I come from a family where weight was a big issue and both me and my brother were little fat kids growing up. In high school, I changed that and lost 80 pounds and felt wonderful. I met my husband and we dated. Throughout our relationship, he had never had to worry about weight but I did and I failed. I ballooned back up from stress, a sit down job, and falling back into habits. I am 6’0 tall and I was down to 209 (which was skinny for me) and now pregnant at 260 pounds. We got married 7 months ago and I am now 4 months pregnant. I am so glad that the “nightmares” I had about pregnancy and weight gain are steady for now. Knowing my mom had gained 70 pounds in a pregnancy scared me. I have actually taken this opportunity to get healthier with foods and not being able to eat a whole lot now has allowed me to loose 13 pounds (of course not by choice). I am to the point where I am getting depressed about my body even more since my belly is pulling forward more and that has always been an insecurity anyways. My clothes are limited now and it is hard to be a plus sized pregnant woman. As if I didn’t already have a hard time shopping for clothes, now it’s even more selected in what I can buy. My husband is one who keeps me going because he has never judged me or made fun of me and especially now, emotionally, any little thing can make or brake me. I would love to share photos but I can only tell I have a “baby bump” when I am laying down so maybe in my further months I would love to share. I am trying to make the best of this and give myself the opportunity to prep myself and my family for a better and healthier life style. It may sound odd, but I think I have gained a motivation to do better with my health now that I am pregnant and I would love to finish my weight loss goal and this time, FINISH. I am hoping my little baby will be my inspiration.