My Own Ramblings

Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?

Bonnie (SOAM) My Own Ramblings, News 33 Comments

Heh. But seriously? Why can’t we? Every so often there will be a post that inspires controversy in this website. I’ve just closed comments on the most recent one without even reading the ones that appeared in the last 24 hours. Because I don’t have the energy at this moment in my life. I’m grieving, trying to clean up an entire life and make plans for the goodbye while still trying to keep my usual life somewhat in control. So, I’m sorry for deleting the last comments, and I hope you understand why. I’m just tired.

But what I want to ask you is this: keep your ears and mind open. Everyone has a story. It might not match yours, but it is just as valid. Language is the only way we have to communicate with each other online, and being very careful with the words you choose can change everything in how others respond to you. Likewise, assuming the best of the person using the words can change everything in how you feel about what you are reading. I’m not asking you amazing women to keep quiet and just take whatever shit comes your way, rather I’m asking you just speak up carefully and wisely, as though you were speaking to a dear friend.

In controversies the true intent of SOAM is often bandied about by various commenters, each giving their own take on it. What I love about that is that everyone has a different opinion, and everyone is right. SOAM is about many things. Just as most things in life, people especially, it cannot be reduced to just one facet of its existence. All those different ideas are what makes up SOAM together.

Similarly, there is no one shape for a woman’s body to take. Women are curvy and not. Women are tall and not. Women have large breasts and not. Women have stretchmarks and not. Women have extra skin and not. (Those lines inspired by this post.) What I love about this is that every one is beautiful. My goal is to help women truly understand that and be able to say, “I am beautiful!” No qualifiers. Full belief of that statement.

SOAM is often criticized for not showing mothers whose bodies are unchanged. It is equally criticized for showing only mothers whose bodies are unchanged. Personally, I think it shows both. But there is a disconnect between the two, and it seems to live within the myth that healthy eating and exercise = thinness. The truth is that there is SO MUCH that goes into what a body looks like that you just can’t make such a statement. Sometimes women do everything “right” and it’s not enough. Other times women don’t move enough or eat too much sugar, and still look like a body in a magazine. We each have our own story. Please remember this. When you write your words, please remember that everyone lives their own story and that everyone is beautiful.

Like I said, I’m in a bad place in my own life right now so I hope this all came out sounding clear and kind. If it didn’t, give me the benefit of the doubt and ask me to clarify. On a related note, please excuse my inactivity here. I’m just trying to keep swimming.

And like I said above, you are all amazing. Thank you for everything you do here at SOAM.

Five Years Old

Bonnie (SOAM) Contest, My Own Ramblings, News

The last few days have been a strange whirlwind of PMS hormones and the resulting emotions, insomnia and the resulting exhaustion, and some strange allergic reaction and the resulting Benedryl (And, FYI, watching Twin Peaks after taking a Benedryl is, well, exactly how you’d think it is). Under normal circumstances I’d be more prepared to celebrate SOAM’s fifth birthday (this may be wishful thinking) but this entire year has been just about as strange as the last few days and I’m just trying to keep swimming. But five years is a big deal and I want to mark it somehow.

Day 95 Learned Love

Five years and some months ago, I had that moment in the restaurant in Anaheim that sparked this thought that maybe I wasn’t the only one. The idea took hold and grew as I talked with people about it. And then, one warm July day, as my four year old was taking a nap, I snapped a picture of myself holding the baby, and uploaded it to a new blog. And here we are.

stretchmarks

Five years ago I was a different person, at a different place in my journey to self-love. Five years ago, the world was a little different, too. The internet changes things, makes the world smaller. Today it’s so much easier to connect with people who are going through the same things you are going through. Today it’s so much easier to find the information you need for your journey. Five years ago SOAM was just born and now it’s a staple for moms online.

Mama

I think right now we are at a sort of crossroads in this fight against society’s idea of what a woman should look like. Over the last five years I have witnessed a massive shift away from that idea. Unfortunately, I have also felt society grip that idea even stronger as it feels us pulling away. So we still have a lot of work to do before women are totally free from it, until we are free to love ourselves as we are, at every step along our own roads. But you mamas have shown me that we can do it.

belly line up

So, let’s celebrate! Leave a comment here and you’ll be entered to win a copy of Fifty Nude Women which, as I’ve said before, is one of the best short films ever made. I’m also running a contest over on TIAW, so check that out and you can double your chances of winning (although I will make sure the same person doesn’t win both contests). I’ll run both contests until this Friday at midnight and I’ll announce the winners on Saturday Monday. The winners will have until midnight on Monday Wednesday to get me their addresses, or I’ll choose another winner.

UPDATE: Contest is now closed and winners announced! Thanks for participating!

And Diego met the Pacific Ocean

Thank you, all of you. You are beautiful!

(Photos from the SOAM Flickr Pool, all submitted within the last year.)

A Comment Left Today by Rosie

Bonnie (SOAM) Collaborative, My Own Ramblings, News, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement 9 Comments

Rosie just left this comment on an entry from a few days ago. I love it so much I want to marry it. I found myself nodding along with her the entire time, it’s so true to everything I believe that I decided to post it here as an entry of its own. (Paragraph separations and bold are mine.)

The entire first paragraph is vital to understand other women – no matter what we look like, we struggle with it. It’s not a reflection on others, period. I wrote to someone on Facebook the other day that if you put two identical women in a room together they’d declare the other beautiful while picking apart every flaw they could find on themselves. It’s an internal conflict that, at it’s truest heart, has less to do with body image and far more to do with our ability to love ourselves wholly.

The last paragraph has a universal truth that I bolded for emphasis. Read it. Listen to it. I mean REALLY listen. With your deepest heart.

Thank you, Rosie, for writing this.

“Its very complex isn’t it because obviously even if a woman still looks fit and slim and relatively unchanged in appearance her feelings of self loathing are still very real to her. Invalidating those feelings can often lead to an even louder cry of anguish, a feeling that no-one else understands or sees what she sees. But the thing that really pisses me off is that its not her fault. We live in such a crap culture where ideas of what is beautiful or normal are so narrow that even this young gorgeous woman thinks she is undesirable.

We women need to be so courageous, to stand up and not be ashamed of ourselves and not hide our bodies so the idea of beautiful and normal can expand. I’ve had three kids including a set of twins I carried for 39 and a half weeks. I have stretch marks over my hips, twin skin round my belly button that wrinkles when i lean forward and a big bottom and thighs but I wear a bikini when I go swimming. I eat very well and exercise and look after myself. Why should i be ashamed?

But it still takes huge amounts of courage to expose yourself because every other woman who looks like me is covering up in shame! To be honest even women who look like this(with a slightly imperfect belly) would likely be covering up and that is sooo sad (where does that leave the rest of us?).

I don’t think its because of what men expect from us. I know good men see the whole woman. I also separated from the father of my kids and went through these fears. Now I am with a man who is younger than me and everyone says is really gorgeous and he is totally into me. So who are we hiding from, who are we scared of. Shallow crap men that you wouldn’t want to be with anyway? Its not easy but I say we need to have the courage to expect the best for ourselves whatever we look like. To me that means being with a man who sees me as beautiful and desirable as a friend and as a lover. And knowing also that its OK to be alone until that comes along.”

Happy New Year!

Bonnie (SOAM) My Own Ramblings, News 6 Comments

I read this article today about a woman who discovered that what she had perceived as overweight turned out to be just exactly who she is (and not overweight at all). It really moved me to read about her inner transformation and her decision to embrace herself and buy new clothes instead of her usual January-diet-up-and-down-cycle. How beautiful, to be able to discover that maybe you already are, well, beautiful.

Do you have a similar cycle? Have you made resolutions or plans to lose weight this year? How about loving yourself? Has that played into your New Year’s goals at all?

To be clear, I absolutely always support a healthy lifestyle. Eating whole foods with a large produce base, and moving your body regularly is a solid foundation for everything else to follow. Living healthfully allows you to feel better physically and emotionally. But I feel strongly that learning to love yourself is equally as important and, sometimes, must be accomplished before the rest can begin to follow. And the fact is that I have met many women who, for various health reasons (thyroid, food intolerances, adrenal issues, hormonal issues, etc) simply cannot lose the weight no matter how healthy they are. I’ve also met women on the other end of the spectrum – who are underweight and cannot gain enough no matter how they try – their struggles aren’t any less just because they happen to look, at first glance, more socially acceptable. Should woman, over- or underweight, have anything less than love for their bodies, just because they don’t happen to meet some number on a doctor’s chart? Hell no! They should love their bellies and breasts and legs and hips no matter what size they are. Because we are all beautiful. Period.

Working on this website has been such a blessing in so many ways. I get to see such beautiful people every day. I get to read about their struggles and their joys. I get to watch them love themselves. And they inspire me. I had already begun my journey to love myself wholly by the time I started this site, but I cannot believe I ever would have come this far without each of you. I hope I can return the favor.

Over the past year we had some incredible stories shared here. Colleen wrote about making peace with her cesarean and the scar that came with it. Lisa took a moment to ponder what she would say to a friend in her position – this is, in fact, one of my own personal tricks for being loving to myself. Mary wrote an incredible account of her feelings toward her body – beginning in the midst of hatred and coming into appreciation and respect. Emily realized how incredible a mother’s body is and promised to never forget. Proudmama touched readers’ hearts by comparing her body to a well-loved home full of warmth and memories. Eden shared what has become one of my favorite photographs ever. And that is just a drop in the bucket of the stories shared here. The pain, the joy, the emotional growth. I want to thank all of you – writers, readers, supporters. You are beautiful women. I mean that.

So. What resolutions are you making now? I hope that loving yourself, physically and mentally is on that list. Or moving further down that road, or sharing the message of love to others you know. Whatever applies to you. Because, you deserve it, our daughters (and sons!) deserve it, and together we can kick this self-hatred crap right out of womanhood altogether.

Happy New Year!

Own Your Beauty: Creativity

Bonnie (SOAM) My Own Ramblings, News, Own Your Beauty 1 Comment

Karen’s post went up yesterday talking about how important creativity is to owning your beauty. It’s an excellent post; I found myself nodding along the whole way through. Creativity isn’t something out of your reach – it’s something you already do every day, and something that truly enhances the soul the more you intentionally practice it (am I’m not talking just about making “art”). Go, read it. Be inspired. Make a vision board – I know I will (and I will probably post about it on my personal blog).

Also, did you know Karen’s book has been released? Check it out, it’s beautiful and, frankly, I think would make a perfect gift for any woman.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Bonnie (SOAM) My Own Ramblings, News 8 Comments

41 weeks

Here in the US we are preparing to stuff ourselves silly with turkey and stuffing and gravy. The day gives us a chance, pilgrims and American folktales aside, to remember to be thankful for all that we have. Which is a lot. The fact that you are reading this implies that you have a computer, or at least access to one, and that indicates a certain level of riches. I assume that you have clean water, a warm shelter, access to information and the freedom to make changes in your life, at least to some degree. That’s pretty lucky. I also assume that you have eyes with which to see this (or ears to hear it read to you), and a mind with which you can consider things. How blessed you are!

I don’t believe it’s productive to brush superficial feelings under the carpet, but I do think it’s wise to see them balanced with all we do have. So today, and for the future, I hope, I ask that while you work on making peace with how you look physically, you also remember to consider all your body does for you. Awhile back, I posted this link on our Facebook page and I think it’s appropriate to share it again today. Thank your body. It works hard for you. It’s not perfect – maybe not inside or out – but you are alive, and hopefully more healthy than not.

Happy Thanksgiving, you beautiful mamas!

12 Steps of Letting Go of Perfectionism – Own Your Beauty

Bonnie (SOAM) Link, My Own Ramblings, News, Own Your Beauty 2 Comments

Brene Brown has shared her 12 steps to letting go of perfectionism with BlogHer’s Own Your Beauty. As usual, the woman is full of wisdom. Steps three and 12, particularly, spoke to me. Number three, because it’s something I’ve done myself over the years with incredible results, and number 12 because it is something that directly relates to this website:


Practice self-compassion. We need to be kind and tender with ourselves. Most of us talk to ourselves in ways we would NEVER consider talking to other people. We are critical instead of kind. We are judgmental instead of loving. Perfectionism is ultimately a struggle for worthiness and there’s no better place to start than remembering that our imperfections and vulnerabilities connect us to each other and to our humanity.

You should aim to speak to yourself the way you would lovingly speak to a friend. Or the way your friends lovingly speak to you. You deserve the same respect you would afford to anyone else. Allow yourself to be loved.

Now, go forth and embrace good-enough-ness.

Local Get Together

Bonnie (SOAM) My Own Ramblings, News 12 Comments

belly line up

On Sunday several local moms met me in a park to allow me to photograph their bellies for various uses, including a Zazzle.com store which I hope to open by next week.

It’s always so great to meet people through SOAM. I probably have some form of social anxiety disorder, and if not, I certainly have a lot of social anxieties – I’m extremely shy and nervous meeting new people. But I felt very much at ease with the beautiful mamas who showed up. We sat around a bench under pine trees in the warm sun and just talked – about birth, about bodies, about blogging, about our children. Once everyone had arrived, we wandered over to a place where the trees provided a lovely backdrop and I took the pictures.

Thank you, every one of you, for showing up and for allowing me to use your images to help SOAM. It will, I hope, help the whole world.

Glee’s Rocky Horror Episode

Bonnie (SOAM) Body Image, My Own Ramblings, News 4 Comments

Spoilers abound for this week’s episode, read on at your own risk!

I just finished watching Glee’s Rocky Horror episode and beneath the incredible music (I am not always into Glee’s music, but this episode was possibly my favorite ever) they tackled not only the usual theme of misfits in society, but also body image in more than one capacity.

Mercedes is one of my favorite characters. She’s chubby, but doesn’t think it makes her un-pretty. And it doesn’t – she is gorgeous. They never force her into frumpy clothes, instead they show off her curves in form-fitting style that reflects the personality of her character. For those that haven’t watched it inthis episode, she requested to play the role of Dr. Frank-N-Furter and she rocked it. I loved that they twisted the gender of the role for her; it worked within the story and I loved the different style she brought to the music. Her body shape has rarely held her back from being incredible in every way and I strive to be more like her in that regard. She is, I think, one of the most excellent role models for young girls on TV.

In a somewhat related subplot, two boys struggled with body image. I know this is an issue that’s not often discussed, and while this could easily have come across as petulant, it didn’t. The writers and actors made it not only believable, but also quite natural. Sam worried about having to maintain his perfect body, and Finn had to work on becoming comfortable with something unconventionally handsome. My only beef – and it was, rather, a large one – was that it seemed that Finn’s character was considered chubby by all around him (smacks of Tracy Gold’s character on Growing Pains) and he is so clearly not chubby even a little bit. Such an assumption by the rest of the characters gives real bodies and the diversity of shape and size a blow once again.

I’ve always loved the way the show breaks social barriers, and not only did I love the music this episode, but I REALLY loved the subtopic of body image and how it was dealt with (mostly).

What did you think?