First Pregnancy

Learning to Love My Pregnant Body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions 6 Comments

Age: 24
1st pregnancy; 25 weeks along

I’ve always been naturally skinny. I guess you could blame good genetics. I’m almost 5’9″ and have always weighed anywhere from 124-128. As of right now I am 25 weeks pregnant and I’ve already gained 22 pounds! (150 lbs) I am having such a hard time loving this temporary but new body of mine. I always thought that I would be so cute pregnant…all belly! Well that is not the case! My butt, hips, & thighs have expanded just as much as my belly has. I had to stop wearing shorts at around 13 weeks because my once smooth butt and thighs now have dimples galore! I feel like I am not able to 100% enjoy my pregnancy because I’m so worried about how I look now, what I’ll look like towards the end, & if I’ll be able to get my body back after my son is born. I think about it everyday and I know that may make me seem shallow or vain/conceited but I want to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see! I want my husband to be attracted to me. Finding this website has truly been a gift. Although I am still not completely happy with my growing body my outlook as truly changed. I’m starting to understand that this body that I despise so much is giving me my greatest gift ever and that I should embrace it and know that it will all be worth it. I admire all of the strong, beautiful women on this site & would love to receive more advice and words of wisdom because I know that things are just gonna get better from here!!

I Feel Like a Woman Now, 20lbs Heavier (Ashley)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 9 Comments

I have always been a rather thin girl. Perhaps bordering pre-pubescent. I was never one to be hit on or even complimented. Instead I got the, “omg do you need help. Lets get her to a clinic right away.” Standing 5’7″, I was 130 lbs pre-pregnancy and wore a size 7. I had a fairly easy pregnancy until the last 10 weeks and managed to pack on 75 lbs. I was miserable and so swollen I couldnt even wear sandals. I guess this is what the expression barefoot and pregnant is referring to haha. Immediately after I had my son via emergency C section, I was 186, by the time I got home 10 days later due to complications I was 165. And there it sat, for over a month. The scale did not want to budge no matter what I did. So I stopped worrying about it, donated all my old clothes and treated myself to some new pieces that were made for my new size and shape. Today, 3 months postpartum I am 150lbs and wearing a size 11. When I first came home from the hospital I cried. My body was never going to be the same, but then this strange thing happened. I felt womanly for the first time in my life. No longer am I being looked at and treated like a 13 year old girl. No longer does my husband feel like he’s a pedophile (ok, maybe this is just my strange sense of humor talking). I LOVE looking in the mirror and seeing curves. Real live curves. I feel sexy, I feel womanly. I feel like people look at me and respect me as a mother. I am thankful for this extra weight.
Yeah, I do have plenty of stretch marks and that lovely flap of skin over my incision but my advice to all ladies struggling with your new bodies is: Give it time. The more you love yourself the better you will look. Don’t aim to fit into your old pants. Dress for the body you have now.

First Picture: 40 weeks pregnant
2nd pic: 39 weeks pregnant_front
3rd pic: 9 days post partum
4th pic: 3 months post partum
5th pic: My son at 3 days old
6th pic: My son at 3 months oldI Feel Like a Woman Now, 20lbs Heavier

The Best Thing About My Pregnancy is That it’s Over (I.L.)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 6 Comments

Age: 30
Pregnancies and births: 1/1, my toddler is now 22 months old. I got pregnant a few weeks before my 28th birthday.

Pregnancy and birth have not changed my body that much on the outside. I have a hypertrophic-but-fading lower segment cesarean scar on my belly right above the pubic bone, a few stretch marks I got the day I
went into labour and don’t tend to notice anymore because they have faded, slightly more deflated small-ish breasts (mine were never particularly perky to begin with) and the skin on my belly is the tiniest bit more stretched than it used to be. Bar the cesarean scar that changes colours from silvery white to angry red when I’m on my period or ovulating (!) none of the changes are that noticeable. I gained 25 kg (55 lbs) or thereabouts during pregnancy and have lost most of that slowly during the last 22 months without dieting for
weight loss.

I lift weights and stay physically active for strength, for fun, for the sheer joy of it, and because I want to feel at one with my flesh instead of viewing myself through a distorted lens of body obsession; I don’t avoid pointless self criticism always, but I do try hard to do so. Mostly I’m fine. I enjoy cooking, eating, planning meals, dining out, eating mindfully and with great pleasure. This, to me, means I try to get in enough protein to sustain muscle growth, generally although not always opt for cooking my own food to know what’s in it,
and avoiding gluten whenever possible (it makes my reflux worse) — but I don’t generally worry much about what I put in my mouth, except in terms of whether the taste would benefit from adding more butter.
:-)

Life is enjoyable and I feel good being myself. The way I try to (and often do) view myself and my body, the way I talk about myself and other women, the way I enjoy my physicality, these are all gifts I want to give to my daughter, but I’m not doing them only because I want to be a good role model to her. I am doing them because they’re right and sane and wholesome. I can appreciate myself without needing to think it’s for the sake of my daughter; it is, but more importantly it’s for me.

My pregnancy, a completely different story. It was a crapshot — we weren’t supposed to be able to conceive the natural way but somehow did — and crappy besides: I had a psychotic episode in the first
trimester, then heartburn, reflux, sciatica, insomnia, and as the cherry on top of this cake a UTI/kidney infection and hydronephrosis (distended kidneys) of pregnancy for which I was hospitalised for four days by the end of the second trimester. I spent the last three months of my pregnancy on my left side or on all fours, drinking the vile swill prescribed by my urologist: unsweetened cranberry juice and water, at least three to four litres of this per day. I was told I should pee whenever I felt the slightest urge to for fear of urinary backflow, which meant I was running to the loo four times every hour, also in the nights. It took several months for my bladder sensation to return fully after delivery. I had no issues with incontinence before or after pregnancy, but I did suffer from not knowing whether my bladder was full or not, as the pee-as-often-as-possible-just-in-case regime removed my capacity to recognise when I actually need to go.

Then I had a baby, which meant three days of labour. I didn’t mind the pain, as I found it easy enough to relax between contractions once I hit real labour and as I was very dedicated to seeing things through
the natural way if at all possible. Turns out this wasn’t to be the case, and I had cesarean surgery… with insufficient anesthesia, as I could feel a little window of pain on the left side when they cut. Not my best moment. Afterwards, the dragon nurse at the maternity ward told me — screamed at me, really — that paracetamol (acetaminophen for North Americans) is perfectly sufficient as a pain killer for post-cesarean pain and that other women have also had cesareans, why do I complain and cry so? I was not happy with my cesarean but could eventually came to terms with it. Being denied appropriate pain relief afterwards however meant I had severe problems with PTSD for more than a year postpartum. I also felt let down by my partner who couldn’t grasp the severity of the situation until way after the fact, and still feel deep sadness and anger over what happened. At least I’m no longer reliving my horrible birth experience and over and over, unable to sleep or go out for fear of breaking down in public.

It also took me quite a long time to bond with my baby, but I did expect this and wasn’t actually too alarmed when I didn’t feel a huge surge of love for my newborn. Frankly I wasn’t particularly interested in her when they showed her to me in the operating theatre — in my defense, I had other more pressing problems at hand, like feeling really awfully sorry for myself and wanting to die — and my strongest emotions in the first weeks after her birth were mild interest and confusion. Love, that took a while to arrive. I started out breastfeeding as I had planned to do, as all the women in my family had done, and we had a few miserable months of it because of thrush on my nipples, which I likely got from the antibiotics given to me during
the cesarean birth of my daughter. Healthcare professionals were a joke when it came to nursing support and/or medical help with this, but I persevered and did my research online, sent my partner out for a
bottle of gentian violet and put myself and my baby on a kill-the-yeasties regime. It worked, and we’re still going strong with breastfeeding 22 months after her birth. I expected to be done by now — I nursed for 15 months myself and thought we’d go to a similar length — and I am starting to feel like I’m ready to wean in the not-too-far future, but I know my daughter is not and so I’m merely working on limiting the frequency of her nursing sessions to a few times per day to avoid maternal burn out. She’ll wean when she’s ready to; I can wait.

I did not feel a strong need to procreate before I had my daughter. We were undecided, thinking “maybe in a few years” when we found out my partner has Homer Simpson sperm and is unlikely to have a child the
natural way. We dropped contraceptives immediately after hearing about this, reasoning that a) life will be so much easier when we don’t have to bother with solutions that aren’t working that well for us (cervical cap + spermicides = raging yeast infections for the both of us, condoms were not particularly comfortable for him, and hormonal methods are too likely to make me batshit crazy, or crazier than I usually am in any case) and b) if we end up somehow making a child, wouldn’t that be the luckiest, rarest, weirdest, most wonderful thing
ever? I got pregnant before a year had passed. Now, after having that one child, I find I have a bad case of the baby rabies… only, the idea of pregnancy (and finding a qualified nurse-midwife who does homebirths in my area AND has a personality that doesn’t clash with mine) makes me reach for a paper bag to breathe into.

I don’t often think of life in terms of lucky vs unlucky, but I do when it comes to pregnancy and birth. There, I was dealt a bad hand. I’m not sure I have it in myself to go through it again, particularly when I know my kidney issues are very likely to also be an issue in a future pregnancy. I’m aware of and educated on great many issues surrounding birth, I am not easily cowed by anyone, I have the wisdom from experience, the support of my fantastic partner and a lot of different options with pre/postnatal and childbirth care thanks to
where I live … and I’m really scared, because while all these factors would and will contribute towards not having unnecessary medical interventions done before, during or after childbirth, they will do absolutely nothing if and when there IS a real medical need for such. I would know. And I’m not sure I’m mentally strong enough to deal with the anxiety and uncertainty, nevermind the medical issues present, on the next round.

Really, the best thing about my pregnancy is that it’s over.

The photos included: myself 22 months postpartum twice, my toddler nursing her teddy bear in the middle of Ikea, myself looking for braaaaains! at 37 weeks pregnant, myself at the age of 25 before pregnancy.

Body Image Issues, Husband Not Helping (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 40 Comments

Age: 23
Number of births: 1
Age of Child: 2 months
Currently 2 months post par tum

My story goes back all the way to elementary school when I started struggling with body image issues. I had precocious puberty which is basically going through puberty way too early. I started my period at age 8 and had severe acne by age 10. Obviously I was very different than all the other girls my age, and not in a good way. Not only was I going through all this, but I was also at a very awkward age. I was a little chubby compared to all the “pretty girls”. Boys constantly teased me about my severe acne saying things like “pizza face” or they would tell me to go wash my face. I came home crying from school just about every day in 4th and 5th grade. My acne was so severe, I was the only 10 year old in the country at the time taking the strongest acne medication made. Fast forward to middle school. My face finally cleared up and I had the biggest breasts in the entire school. Boys were actually paying attention to me (because of my boobs lol), but I still compared myself to all the “popular girls”. First of all, I am NOT by any means “skinny”. I have never been skinny, I’ve always been “thick”. All the girls the boys were attracted to I had tiny petite frames and tiny petite weights to go along with them. I don’t know why, but I continued comparing myself. When I got to high school, I still wasn’t happy with my weight. (Looking back, I looked dang good but I always thought I was fat) I started skipping meals a lot toward my senior year and one summer all I really consumed was sugar free red bull. Living in Florida by the beach, makes it easy to be motivated to stay skinny. Like I said, I’ve never been super skinny, but when I graduated high school I weighed 145. It may seem a lot to some, but 145 looks really good on me.

My first year of college I met my husband. When we started dating, I weighed 150. My weight jumped from 150-165 over the next two years. Hubby decided to join the Air Force and when he was away at basic, I made it a priority to get back down to 145-150. I did this by working 12 hour day serving shifts, eating only one low calorie meal a day, and surviving solely on diet sodas for energy. I succeeded and looked really good when he graduated. Six months after he graduated basic, I moved up to Montana in February and we were married. From February 2010-November 2010 my weight jumped all the way up to 175. Everyone told me when I got married I would gain weight, but I didn’t think it would be that much. I got pregnant that November and of course my weight continued to sky rocket. Near Christmas, I discovered some racy videos on youtube that my husband watched. It wasn’t anything hardcore, but still upset me. He knew before we were married that I do not put up with porn or strip clubs. We are Christians and in my opinion, lusting after other women is considered cheating. He had never done that before when I was skinnier, and I felt so rejected. Because of the military, we didn’t have a wedding, so we had one on our 1 year anniversary to celebrate with our family since they weren’t there at the courthouse the year before. I knew my husband was having a bachelor party, but he kept assuring me he didn’t want to go to a strip club. Well stupid me believed him, and I found out the next day they did. It completely broke my heart. I already was feeling completely self conscious about my changing body and it made me feel uglier and uglier. I was half way through my pregnancy when that happened. Then two months later, I flew home for a baby shower. Because I was feeling very suspicious, I installed a program on our computer that tracks every move you make on it. I wanted to know if my husband was looking at inappropriate stuff on our computer. Sure enough, as soon as he dropped me off at the airport, guess what he was doing? Not only was he doing that, he was making moves to ensure I wouldn’t find out (deleting stuff, being in “private mode” on the computer, etc) This made me lose all trust in him and really took a tole on our marriage. All I could think about was how things might be different if I weren’t pregnant. If I wasn’t fat, he would want me instead of the girls on the computer. He said this was the only time he had done that since we were dating. (I just recently found out that was lie and he was looking at that stuff in December) It kind of made me resent my bulging stretch marked belly. My weight kept going up, and all I could feel was rejection from my husband. The day before I went into labor I weighed a whopping 223 pounds.

I am currently 8 weeks post par tum and weigh 190. I absolutely HATE my body. I still do not feel sexy, and don’t think I ever will again. I do love my son with all my heart though. I never thought I could love someone as much as him, and I don’t resent him at all for my body looking like it does. I am having a really hard time though because my husband comes from all brothers. The only other female in the family besides his mom is our sister in law. She is a size 0 and probably doesn’t weigh 90 pounds soaking wet. Her son is two years older than ours and you could never tell she’s ever had a baby. She has no stretch marks and returned to her pre-pregnancy size after a month post par tum. His family always talks about how small she is and how great she looks in front of me, and in a way I have built up resentment toward her because of it. I’m taking it one day at a time though and trying to come to terms with how I look now. My husband says I look sexy, but I don’t believe him. I just recently found a search of a porn star on his iPod. I know he cant possibly be turned on by me. We are trying to work and build back trust in our relationship though.If any of you knew me personally, I would NEVER in a million years show you how my body looks. But, because of all the wonderful women on this site, I am willing to open up and show pictures. I think this site is so inspiring. It makes me realize I’m not the only one who looks like this. You women are so incredibly awesome and I wish I could have one ounce of the confidence yall have.

Obsessed with this jelly belly (B.J.)

Bonnie (SOAM) African American, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 13 Comments

I’ve struggled with my weight since I was 9.At one point in time I even became anorexic. I’ve always been one to exercise and diet to stay in shape. In high school I had a really nice body, and for once I was kind of proud of it. But at the age of 16 I got pregnant and gave birth to my son in June of 2009. I lost all of the weight really fast but my stomach is saggy and stretched with stretch marks. I can’t wear a bikini and though with clothes on my body looks fine, I try not to look at myself in the mirror with clothes off. I’m getting married in December and my fiance’ has never seen me with my clothes off. I’ve told him about this dilemma and he assures me its not that big of a deal but he hasn’t seen it yet so I’m like how can he say its not a big deal? I don’t even wanna take my shirt off around him. I’ve been dieting and exercising and though the rest of my body is in shape my stomach is so ugly. I’ve been using creams and everything but the results are limited. I emailed pictures to doctors and they tell me only a tummy tuck will fix my tummy and no amount of dieting or exercise will give me significant results. I just want my husband to think of me as beautiful when he finally sees whats underneath but I doubt he can if I can”t even look myself in the mirror.

Age:19
Number of pregnancies and childbirths:1
Age of child: 2 years
Postpartum: 2 years

How can I love my new body? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, First Pregnancy, Legs, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom, Update 11 Comments

~Age:17
~Number of pregnancies and births:1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 monnths PP

I got pregnant at 16 with a beautiful baby boy. hes my world.. before getting pregnant I weighed 115 pounds and I am 5″6. wasnt fat looking just normal size. After i had my son i was breastfeeding for about 2 months. I liked it but i was so busy taking care of him and everything and he was very colicy i had to stop at 2 months. I never ate hardly anything due to always cleaning and stuff when he slept which was a bad idea.. now i currently weigh 98 pounds. i had some stretch marks before pregnancy on my upper legs and outter lower legs around my knees.. due to growth spurt and gaining alittle weight when my dad died. now i have them on my butt,boobs,stomach,behind my knees,calfs,and lots on my inner legs.. if i didnt have these stretch marks i would be so happy… i try bio oil,cocoa butter, bio lotions, baby oil, vitamin e oil , etc… i will continue using bio oil to say i atleast tried hard… but i really wish they would go away!! i look at them all the time… they make me really upset and cry sometimes. i also use a dermaroller on them… it hurts but its worth it.. i find it made them look alittle better. my boyfriend and i always argue he says they “arent that bad” but they are!! they are ALL over my inner legs.. and i really want to wear shorts.. *sigh*

Updated here.

Comfortable in a new body? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 3 Comments

I never thought I’d be posting on a website like this. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mean that in a bad way I just assumed I would be one of those lucky few women who bounced right back after having a baby. You know no stretchmarks, toned and taut tummy less than 6 months PP? With every new stretch mark I found on my belly during pregnancy I got sadder and sadder. What a cruel joke, I thought, to get stretchmarks @ 35 weeks in my pregnancy. After all I went 8 1/2 months without getting them! After I had my son and I first saw my PP body I just about fainted. Where was the pretty flawless tummy I use to have? Whose body was this in the mirror with the sagging and stretchmarks all over it? I felt gross, disgusting, and not beautiful. I didn’t even want my husband to touch me. The only part of my body I was happy with ironically was my vagina which held very well after an easy vaginal delivery. Well 5 months PP after the stretchmarks have faded (yea they still have a lot of fading to do but overall 100% better than right after birth) and the saggy, jiggly stomach has shrunk and attempted to bounce back to its previous state. I realized my body is just as beautiful now as it was before. I have carried life inside me and it was a blessing and such a beautiful gift. The stretchmarks, yea, they’ll never go away but each time I look at them I’ll smile and think of the little kicks and nudges that used to be inside me. The breasts, yea, they’re saggier and not as perfect and I am contemplating a boob job but I look at my son and realize I wouldn’t do a thing differently if it meant not having him here with me and healthy. I still have a long way to go but slowly and surely I am getting comfortable with my new body.

Age: 25
Number of Pregnancies and Births: 1
Age of Children: 20 weeks
Weeks Post-Partum: 20 weeks

If only I loved myself as much as I love my life… (Miss Meliss)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Plus-Sized Mom, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 18 Comments

I really do have a wonderful life. I have a beautiful son, a loving husband, a supportive mother, a best friend of almost 30 years. I am a student-nurse. I live in a nice, modern home. I drive a decent car. I have a dog, 2 cats and some fish. I laugh often, I love constantly. I do not want for anything…except my old body back. I am not a fan of what has become of Melissa. Matter of fact, I am completely devastated by how my body has changed. I am not ashamed of who I am, I am just tortured by the way I look. Writing this essay makes me queasy. The thought of attaching a photo? Downright nauseating. I cant look at myself in the mirror…and when I cast that fleeting glance, I think, “That is not me.”

Most of my life I considered myself fat. Key phrase being “I considered myself fat”. No one else ever thought I was. Matter of fact, most considered me rather shapely and thin. I am 5’8 and now 205lbs. And I detest what I look like. I have had BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) since my very early teens. I decided to journal to this site because I know I am not alone, that I am a garden variety postpartum mom, and I want to ease the hearts of other women as they have done for me. And while I am sickened by my physique, I am enamored by my life. I just wish I could figure out how to meld the two and accept myself for who I am and not by my size or how much I weigh. It has affected many aspects of my life. My self-esteem, my sexual attitudes, my style, my grooming…I just don’t feel like “me” and I really, really want to. I just seem to be preoccupied with my weight. I compare myself to every woman, and it just makes me feel worse. I don’t care to dress nicely or fix my make-up or hair. I don’t even care if I match. I want to draw the least bit of attention to myself. But then I look at my son…and none of that matters. And when my son is with me, attention is what we catch…and lots of it. I can make him laugh and smile, he had bonded to me like glue. He looks into my eyes and I know I am beautiful, because he sees the truth. He sees me with no judgement, none of the much influenced, unattainable norms. He sees Mommy…and he loves what he sees.
I gain 76 pounds with my angel. I weighed in at 238lbs on the day I had my C-section. Throughout my entire pregnancy, I dropped all of the years of dieting. I just let it go. I wanted to be able to eat copious amounts of whatever I wanted…and I did. And the doc never complained. Since I had started at a much meeker weight, no one really seemed to notice the scale (but they did remark on how rotund I was becoming with each passing month!) My little man entered the world kicking and screaming at a healthy 9lbs 9oz and 22inches long! He was a big’un. I was so swollen and distended antepartum that by the end of the second week I had lost 25lbs. And what was leftover was not nearly as “cute” as when he was still riding shotgun. I never got any postpartum complications. I didn’t even have any antepartum issues either. I had a wonderful, easy pregnancy. For the first time in my life I was able to live a life free of anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication. It felt good to be anticipating the arrival of my son. It felt marvelous to have my son. Every moment that I have spent with him has been the best moments of my life. While I long for the body of yesterday (er, yesteryear…) I wouldn’t trade in this body for the world. Without my fat, flabby, uncomfortable-in-my-own-skin body…I wouldn’t have the single most amazing treasure on earth. I love being a mommy. I love waking up to seeing his smiling, happy, exuberant little face. I love hearing the raspy, melodic and curious jibber-jabber. I adore that laugh. Oh my oh my, that laugh. And those two little teeth he has? Pure joy. I love how total strangers compliment his handsomeness. I love how people walk over
to me and tell me how wonderful of a mother I am…or they say my favorite, “That boy sure loves his mommy!” I have followers on my facebook, people who have never met us, that look forward to seeing my happy, sweet boy. I love when my mother hugs me and says to me: “You are beautiful, and you are the best mother I have ever seen…” And I know she means this. And I know she wishes I could just see the beauty in me. While I can take all the compliments and praise…I just don’t feel pretty anymore. I often say that if I could lose the weight “I’d have a perfect life”. Something I never thought I would ever have. My son has completed me, I just need that itsy bitsy complement. But, I will wait for it…I’m trying not to rush it. After seeing all you ladies post pictures and stories, I feel a bit better. I feel like a little breath can be taken, and a little pat on the back to congratulate me on my acceptance into the “Mommy Club”. Where great women come in all sizes. Where strong women have the right to complain. Where valiant women are awarded with the utmost love and admiration. If only I could just get back to me.

Age: 33
1 pregnancy 1 birth
10 months PP

Pictures 1,2 and 3 are me, 10m PP.
Pictures 4 and 5 are me pregnant
Picture 6 is me and my boy

They Say it Takes Nine Months (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions, Tattoo, Update 10 Comments

Previous posts start here.

23 years old
one pregnancy, one birth (an adorable son)
I’m now 9 months postpartum. I have a few dresses: size 6, size 8, size 9. I have several jeans: size 8, size 9, size 10, size 13. I have shirts: S, M, L. I am between an A cup and a B cup. I am five foot seven inches and 160 lbs. My measurements are 36 (34A)-28.5-43. Dark brown hair. Blue green eyes.

What do these numbers mean? What do they make me?
They can’t give you any insights into my character.
They can’t tell you that I can hoist 250lbs+ with my “thunder thighs”.
They can’t describe the work I put in to do pull-ups.
They can’t tell you I have an IQ of 153. Or that I love books. Or that I have a warped, twisted sense of humor and love to laugh.
They can’t describe the lengths I will go to in order to help my friends: midnight phone calls, trips to the ER, “cheer-up” trips, lending money.

They don’t give you any idea of the pain I’ve felt in just the last nine months: my grandmother dying, an old friend writing me a good-bye e-mail and committing suicide before I could do anything, another friend lost both legs and an arm in Iraq, I worried about another friend possibly committing suicide, I worried about my own health postpartum, I worried about my relationship with my husband, I worried about my own body and attractiveness.

Those numbers won’t do you any good in telling you how I’ve battled an eating disorder for over a decade, or how I overcame the desire to self-injure years ago.

They also won’t do any good in telling you that I love comedy, drama, action, animals, psychology, running, swimming.

They won’t describe the incredible relationship I have with my husband or the overwhelming love we both have for our son.

THESE NUMBERS DON’T tell you anything IMPORTANT about me.

They say it takes nine months for your body to “go back to the way it was.” I respectfully disagree. My body is different, not less attractive nor more attractive. It’s very close to how I was pre-pregnancy, but I recognize the subtle differences in my curves and various lumps and bumps :) I looked in the mirror yesterday morning and saw my body as a whole instead of the usual random conglomeration of body parts haphazardly sewn together like some kind of disproportionate frankenstein. I am not the sum of round arms, chubby legs, lovehandles, thick calves, and a soft-but-toned stomach. I am just ME. And I say take ME as I am, because I don’t want part of any friendship or acquaintance with anyone who thinks a person can be summarized by a small, narrow scope provided by a few numbers.

I am beautiful. And my stretch marks and scars only add to my beauty and uniqueness as a person. I am happy with myself, and I hope that all you ladies on this site can find your own beauty too.

Jealous of Your Breast Complaints, Terrified of Post-Pregnancy Body (Wren)

Bonnie (SOAM) Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 40 Comments

pictures:
-4.5 months pregnant (closest I have to pre-pregnancy)
-6 months
-last three are me at 7 months

Age: 20
Number of pregnancies: 1 (8 months along)

I couldn’t wait until after birth to post something because every time I come to this website I ache to share my own story. I’m not generally an insecure person; I don’t do my hair, wear make-up, or strive to be super-skinny (140 lbs, sz 9 prepregnancy). But I have tried so, so, so, SO hard to accept and love my breasts and continually find it impossible. I dealt with them all right before, but pregnancy has made it almost obsessive. At about 3 months it occurred to me what my post-breastfeeding boobs might look like, which began the inevitable downward spiral. Then, upon doing breastfeeding research I discovered that I might have a milder case of hyperplasia, or tubular breast deformity. Meaning they are underdeveloped, lacking “normal fullness” and breast tissue with the aboslute WORST part being that I might not be able to breast feed. Having my breasts officially labeled as “deformed” was too much for me to handle and then not being able to breastfeed.. as if it isn’t awful enough to have ugly breasts, but they don’t even WORK? It was all I could think about for a few days and it depressed me incredibly, to the point of me getting hysterical when a pair of nice breasts popped up in a movie that I was watching with my boyfriend. It made me feel horrible. My boyfriend and I have been together 2.5 years and I -know- he’s tired of hearing me complain, even though he always reassures me that he loves them. I just don’t see how he could ever be aroused by such a sad excuse for breasts. I tell myself that I wish I could love and be proud of them, but even then I think I would feel as if I’m lying to myself, I feel so justified in hating my breasts and that’s an awful feeling. Aesthetically, they’re just so ugly. Not round, not perky, not anything good, just ugly. I try to look here or on 007b.com to make myself feel better but to look at all the girls with beautiful breasts hating on themselves only makes me more sad. I try to look for support online for girls with this condition and all I can find are breast augmentation boards, which obviously makes me feel worse. I feel ugly and unfeminine, like I’ve been deprived a right as a woman, like my wonderful boyfriend deserves pretty breasts and mine are such a disappointment. I’m terrified of my post-pregnancy body and how I’ll handle it emotionally but I’ll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it. On the bright side, I have had an easy pregnancy so far and only gained 18 lbs, not counting 10 that I lost and re-gained because of awful morning sickness. I can’t wait to meet my precious baby girl and start a family with the love of my life, and I feel so selfish to be so worried about my body issues. But it’s such a deep-seeded horrible feeling, I feel like it will never go away. Some days are better than others, but then I see breasts on mannequins, in pregnancy books, or cleavage on other girls and I just get that useless “why-me” syndrome, it’s a vicious cycle. Hopefully having my baby can somehow change my view of my body and I hope to god that I am able to breastfeed. I very much look forward to posting post-pregnancy!