First Pregnancy

Struggling (Nicola)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions 16 Comments

Nicola, age 26
1 Pregnancy, 1 Birth
1 Year PP

When I was pregnant, I really believed that I was going to enjoy motherhood. I was sure that I had prepared myself as much as one can. When my baby was born, of course it was difficult from the start. Not only was I recovering from a forceps birth with episiotomy, but I was trying to adjust to life with a newborn. I kept telling myself it would get easier, and believing that it would was the only thing really carrying me through.

It has been a year since my baby’s birth and I sometimes wonder if I might be depressed. I try so hard to be a good mom, but I still don’t feel like the mother I would like to be. My baby has been slowly cutting teeth, one after the other for over six months. She was actually a better sleeper at 8 weeks old. My heart sinks when she wakes up from a nap sooner than I’d like, because all I can think of is how tired I am and how I don’t know how to fill the rest of our day. She is so clingy and gets upset if I leave the room. She hardly ever plays by herself. I can’t even prepare a meal in the kitchen without her hanging off my legs. We have not taken a family vacation since she was born and I have no plans to return to work. My husband works in another state and is home for maybe one week out of the month. He is not on a set schedule so we never really know when he’ll get to come home. If I got a job I would see even less of him than I already do. I feel useless because I don’t make any money of my own.

My mother is of help to me, but she oversteps boundaries all the time. She acts like my baby’s mom sometimes which drives me crazy. I feel resentful and annoyed and yet, I hardly see any of my friends… so if I get lonely enough, I’ll pack up the baby and go to her house. I feel like I only go to her house, the grocery store, and once a week playgroup. I really need to do something for myself, but at the end of my day, I just have a cry, finish up housework, shower, and go to sleep. Then my baby wakes up a few times throughout the night. She doesn’t eat at night, and I don’t go in unless I sense something is wrong… and yet she still wakes up.

I am at the point of exhaustion. I can’t tell my husband how I really feel because he makes me feel guilty. My mom downplays my emotions so I try not to complain around her. I just feel like being a mother has consisted of a lot of shitty days, and not very many good ones. I started out with such high hopes and a good attitude but lately these things have wavered. Before my daughter was born, all I could think of was the kind of mother I would be, and how I could protect my child from at least some of the things that I went through. Now I wonder if I will ever be able to pick myself up and do right by her.

I don’t tell any of my friends about this. To them, I have a great life and a lot of knowledge to share. I was lucky and went back to my old shape after a month. I know that a lot of them are jealous that I don’t have to go back to work… I know how it must look. We have a pretty nice house and my husband brings in an exceptional income. If I see something for my baby, I don’t think, I just buy. So you see, we have it pretty good. This could be why I don’t feel like I can complain. I’ve watched Teen Mom and I can see how dire a Mother’s situation can become, but I still feel down and sorry for myself a lot of the time. I think if I had a hobby, or a part time job, ate better, and got a better quality of sleep, I could have my good attitude back and be a better mom. At the moment, I can’t pick myself up! It sucks big time! And yet, I reach ovulation every month and all I can think about is how badly I want to get pregnant again! What a mind-fuck. That would be the worst thing we could do right now. And yet those silly hormones make me believe I could manage with two. As if.

Giving birth was the biggest event of my life, and I’ve sort of felt this… let down ever since.

The Shadow Fear Casts is Often Bigger Than the Fear Itself (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 2 Comments

My husband told me that I was beautiful every day of my pregnancy, including while I was in the hospital in labor. From day one, I was deathly afraid of the changes that my body would undergo. My mind was filled with all of the horror stories that I had heard about pregnancy and the recovery afterwards. Our pregnancy was not planned (though we welcomed it all the same), so I felt that I didn’t have time adequately prepare myself for those fears beforehand. My body was stretching changing and gaining weight and there was nothing that I could do about it. Everyday, I would look in the mirror and stare at my thickening thighs and butt as they lost the muscle definition that I had fought so hard to attain, and everyday, I felt my opinion of my appearance sink lower and lower. Everyone around me told me how great I was doing, how incredible I looked, etc. but all that I could see was the shapeless whale in the mirror. I heard a constant barrage of, “You’ve only gained 20 lbs? You’re kidding!” and other compliments, but I always worried that yes, I looked good today– but what about tomorrow? When would the stretch marks creep across my belly? Would the ones coming into my hips lengthen and spread, and turn to that angry red that I saw in pictures? Would my skin bag once I delivered? I became more obsessed with my appearance than I ever had been before, and despite my husband’s frequent efforts to cheer me up, I continued to run my own confidence down.
And after all of that worry, all of my stress, I had gained only 21 lbs when I delivered at 41 1/2 weeks. My girl was big, strong and healthy, but I hadn’t gained much at all. The only stretch marks I had gotten were a smattering of tiny dents on my hips and I was 10 lbs under my prepregnancy weight by 8 days postpartum. I was terrified that my body would change and never be the same again, but I was in my prepregnancy jeans by 3 weeks. Why in the world did I sit there and torment myself for 8 months? Even if I had struggled to recover after birth, what profit would I have gotten from all of that stress and worry? I wore myself down for months with what I “knew” would happen to my body and very little of it even came to pass. What I learned from my pregnancy and postpartum period was that there’s no use killing myself over what might happen. Instead, I need to calm down and take things in stride, dealing with problems when they actually arise.

Age: 21
Number of children: My one little girl
How old: She is 8 weeks old, though I took the picture a few weeks ago.

Hating My Body (Shantel)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 10 Comments

age 23
1 pregnancy
3.5 post partum.

I have always loved my body for the most part, I’ve always been attractive and confident. It is very difficult to see myself the way I look after I had my son because this isn’t the me that I see when I think about myself. I honestly think my belly is hideous it is the worst stomach I’ve seen out of anyone I personally know that has been pregnant. I have seen worse on the internet, but honestly not too many seem worse than mine. My boyfriend claims to not mind at all but I know he does, he rarely have sex anymore and I cant help but think its because of my stomach. I hate it and its really hard to have confidence. I weigh 124 right now i used to weigh 110 so Im really not that far off weight wise but its wrinkly and saggy :( I would wear a size 5 if it were not for my belly and i have to wear 9s.

the first picture is a nude picture of me right before I got pregnant.
the second is of me while I was VERY pregnant. not sure exactly when but it wasn’t long before I had Connor.
the rest are all of my 3.5 months postpartum.
please excuse all my clothes on the floor lol
me with clothes on
and the last is of me and my baby boy Connor

Updated here.

I Love My Body (Gwen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo 5 Comments

I have been so thankful to have found this site; it helped me through a period in my life where the physical changes of my body were difficult to keep up with. My self-image and esteem were in a young, and unstable place when I got pregnant. As much as I have always been thankful for my fertility, and having brought my son into my life, I won’t lie: There have been hard times, where I have been genuinely out-of-sorts about my shape, and the way I changed when I got pregnant, and my body after that.

Women have a lot of bad press that surrounds what we are told we need to look like, and what shapes we need to be. We will most likely have more gains and losses in weight because of motherhood, and hormonal changes, and hosts of other things that we will endure in our lifetimes. Some of the things I have read through this site, from brave and loving women and mothers, have gotten me to REALLY see the reality of what we all think – and never dare to say aloud.

There have been other things that have made me so incredibly sad. Words that women have said about themselves that are not only untrue, but they’re unfair. A body is beautiful not because it is perfectly thin, and the skin is flawless; it’s beautiful because there is NO other like it in the world! It will conceive, nurture, and bring forth PEOPLE! It will create milk for an infant, and warmth to soothe tears, arms for wrapping in loving embraces, and so many more AMAZING things! I find that frequently it’s so saddening to read how women *really* feel about themselves, especially when what *I* see is SO beautiful.

I can’t deny that the weight I’ve lost doesn’t make me feel good about myself on some level; but look at the time it’s taken me. Honestly, I didn’t make this as much of a priority as a lot of women do. I let nature take what it needed, and left what *I* needed to be healthy, and sustain breastmilk, and just be able to have time to experience what I wanted, and not feel the stress and strain of what other people thought I should be doing. My body is not perfect. my breasts hang lower, my thighs aren’t smooth anymore, the flesh of my stomach is rife with faded stretch marks. This is what I’ve got, and dammit I love it.

From day 1, my husband has accepted my shape the way it was (12 mos PP), and loved me unconditionally. This is a love I hope every person has, or will have. He has seem my body at its best, and when it was in the transition of post-birth. The expressions I see from him while we are intimate have never lost their enthusiasm. We have both changed physically, and have worked through the hardships and the ups/downs of how we wanted to see ourselves. Love and marriage aren’t always easy, but he has been my pillar through this journey.

I fervently hope that people keep here keep inspiring each other on this site, and keep supporting each other. I have come to love the honesty, and the raw stories people share about their fears and triumphs, and newly found loves in their motherhood and their beautiful children. The support of women who doubt their own beauty and can reclaim their self-confidence, and share that empowerment with each other is an important boon to one another. The love of our families, husbands, dear-ones, and friends are also just as important because there are those of us who don’t want to open our ears to listen to that praise and love.

Our bodies will change, and life will keep forcing us to adapt. This is the nature of the world we live in. Our bodies have such great capacity for miracles that it is almost wrong that we find the aftermath SO damaging to our minds, and feelings about WHO we are. MY body is not WHO I am, it is what I exist in. This is my vessel, and that BEAUTIFUL vessel carried me through pregnancy and a son who has changed everything I ever knew about love, and about what legacy I will leave this world. I would never make any other choice, if given an option to go back.

Love yourselves, ladies. You are the absolute essence of beauty, and the most important part of who we are as human beings. Thank you, everyone, for everything you share. Keep supporting each other, keep showing each other that this is not something we need to be afraid of, or feel terribly about. THIS is beauty!!

First Photo: 7.5 mos pregnant
Second photo: 12-18 mos pp. NOT my most flattering angle!
Third Photo: Take today, 34 mos PP. 154 lbs.
Fourth Photo: Side
Fifth Photo: Side
Sixth: Side, where you can see I have some belly left. :) It can get hidden in the angle, but I assure you there is no flat tummy here.
Seventh: Full-belly shot. Stretch marks are still there, I promise! They’ve faded away into the rest of me. :)
Eighth Photo: My beautiful son.

Something I Cannot Fix (Marissa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 17 Comments

Age:19
One daughter (Lily), one birth/pregnancy.

I gave birth at the age of 16. Big life change after that moment. I have done great as a mother and as a student. I tried to be perfect in every way and love my daughter to the fullest! She makes my day. =) But many obstacles have shown up, and i conquer them one by one. No one said it would be easy. But yet again, no ever said that your body would be least of your worries. I am insecure and depressed. At 140 lbs, 5ft4 I think about my weight everyday and about food. I hate mirrors and a flaw is always on my mind. It makes me feel worse. Stretch marks cover my breasts, under my arms, behind my legs and all over my stomach, butt and thighs. Why me? Every other teen who got pregnant was able to flaunt in a bikini the very next day. Why did i get all scarred up? It was sad when i had to hide in the changing rooms at school and girls would give me disgusting looks and tell me they hope they disappear soon. I sadly tell them they are permanent scars and they reply back, “Really? Ew. I will never get pregnant then.” It just bums you out when you have to be nervous about wearing shorts or having a muffin top. My stomach is like a w shape, and has loose skin. My breasts are small, but not perky and full. I want to feel beautiful and sexy. I just want to stop worrying about my looks. I just need to learn that i cannot fix it and move on. My toddler is the only thing that should matter to me. I love it when she grabs my belly and gives it kisses. I smile and tell her she once lived in there.

Amazing Stretching Skin (Ann)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 3 Comments

When I found out I was pregnant, post-baby changes were one of the more minor things on my mind. That said, I was very careful to eat extremely healthy during my entire pregnancy and ended up gaining about 30 pounds.

My daughter was a waterbirth with a midwife, born at 39 weeks. She weighed 6lbs. 4oz. I’m sure that her small size affected how quickly I bounced back after the pregnancy.
Another thing I credit my health with after her birth is the fact that I nursed her exclusively. This made me more careful about my diet since my nutrition directly affected her.

I finally weaned my daughter at 2 1/2 and would say that nursing so long had no negative affect on my breasts, and aside from aging a few years, they look basically the same that they did before she was born, with a few added stretch marks :-)

I started doing some yoga and taking long walks when she was 5-6 weeks old. After that, I did Jillian Michaels’ 30 day shred the summer after she was born.

The pregnancy pics were when I was 35 or 36 weeks, I can’t remember exactly. The postpartum pic is from July 2008 (9mos. postpartum), which was during the time I had started working out more intensively. You can see in the 1st. postpartum picture that I have my navel pierced twice. I removed the jewelry when I was about 6 mos. along and put them back in only a few weeks postpartum. The only stretchmark I got on my stomach is actually the piece of skin that contains the lower piercing. Other than that, I got stretchmarks on my thighs and hips that aren’t visible in the pictures. The second postpartum picture is from Mar. 2009, which was 17mo. postpartum.

I am quite happy with my body, and admire the strength that accompanies birth and motherhood. My daughter is now 4 and my husband and I are now considering a second baby, so it will be interesting to see how I recover and what changes might surprise me the 2nd time around.

Age at birth: 24
Age in 2nd picture: 25
1st pregnancy
Pictures: 36 weeks, 9mo. postpartum, 17mo. postpartum

Thank you for an amazing website!

Almost 7 Months Postpartum (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 4 Comments

~Age: 27
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1/1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 7 months
~pre-pregnancy weight: 160. Final pregnancy weight: 230
~gave birth to 9 lb baby girl

I have a ridiculously beautiful baby girl. I had a lot of support from moms on an online message board during my pregnancy. Some of these moms lost their babies. This makes me sad, but thankful for my little girl. I feel so blessed. I look at my stomach. It is covered in stretch marks. My skin just flops over. I remember that this is where my baby grew. This is where she was kept warm, safe, and nourished. I miss the kicks and punches. I always knew she was so safe there. As she grew larger, so did I, and the more stretch marks, the more my skin couldn’t handle it. I am torn. This body is where my angel girl was conceived, where she went from an egg and sperm to an absolute miracle, and it is also a living record of that – recorded in scars and loose skin.

I search for other moms who have what I have, and that have worked hard and gotten rid of the flap. I haven’t found any. I know that I will not look like I did before. I will always be jealous of moms who never get a stretch mark, or have no loose skin. Women who complain about their post-partum bodies, who in reality had very very little change, will always drive me crazy. I am lucky, and I have someone who accepts my body, and no just because I carried his child, but because he loves me. I love him, but cannot help but wonder if the relationship did not work out, who would want me? I would need a tummy tuck. I need a tummy tuck. I want hope. I cannot find hope.

I am almost 7 months post-partum. I have lost 45 lbs, since having my baby. I have a lot more to lost because I gained some before conceiving. I want to lost 50 lb more. My “normal weight” before becoming pregnant was between 135 – 145 (usually more toward the 145-150). I am 5′ 7″, and had an hourglass figure. I always had stretch marks. Down my inner thighs. My breasts. Above my butt/lower back. And my sides. I don’t really know why. I was an athlete, and I maintained my weight until I was in my mid-twenties when I gained 50 lb, but only got 1 stretch mark from that. My weight is now distributed so different. I had a tummy pouch before, but now I have this huge flap. I had little love handles, but now they are really large. I never had back fat, but I do now. Now that some time has passed I am not consumed by how bad my body looks, but I still have sad moments. I wouldn’t change anything. I realize had I put off getting pregnant, then I wouldn’t have this little girl. I have a happy, healthy baby. Whether it is right or not, I feel bad about the way I look, but if it were September 2010 again, I would still try to conceive her. I would do it all again.

The Before, During, and After of My Belly (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 13 Comments

age 28
number pregnancies: 1 pregnant 25 weeks with next

I have always been pretty active and fit, I was 26 when I got pregnant with my son, it was unexpected and my husband and I had only been together for 6 months at the time. I tried and tried to avoid the stretch marks but I already had a ton of old ones from when I went through puberty so I knew it was a lost cause.

The angry little marks showed up around 37 weeks and I decided that I would document the changes in my belly from the end of pregnancy to immediately following the birth, to a couple weeks after to 2 years after to see how my body recovered. The marks do fade but never go away and you learn to live with them, I got a higher cut bikini to hide the old marks the best I can but I really don’t care anymore.

I am now 25 weeks pregnant with my second kid and wonder what will happen this time around, I’m sure I’ll be sad initially but I will look and see that the scars fade and life goes on. =)

picture 1 is of me a few months before getting pregnant

This is me the day I went to the hospital, the marks are hidden by the size of the belly!

This is an hour after birth while laying in the hospital bed

This is two weeks after

Two weeks

2 years after

Pregnant 25 weeks

30 Years in the Making (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 4 Comments

My journey from hating myself to, well, not hating myself as much.

Age: 30 Pregnancies: 1 Births: 1 via C-Section on 4/26/2011 Stay at home mom

I am almost 8 months PP and think I am finally becoming more comfortable with myself after being insecure for most of my life. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Isabella via Cesarean Section. I was 2 weeks past my due date and she was nowhere near where she needed to be. We found out that her cord was wrapped around her neck twice, and that if she did actually drop down into my pelvis, it would have been a much different outcome. She was a healthy 8.1 pounds and 21 inches and the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I gained close to 50 pounds with the pregnancy, and was 192 before I went into the hospital. 2 weeks after coming home, I wound up in the hospital with excessive bleeding that no doctor could determine where it was coming from. All these factors lead to a very long recovery time, over 2 months. Before I got pregnant, I was in the gym everyday working to make myself feel better about my body. I am a certified personal trainer, and know exactly what needs to be done to look your best and be at your healthiest (even at my healthiest, thinnest point, I had very, very low self confidence) . Well, after the birth it was a totally different story. I was so unhappy with my body, yet I was not doing anything about it. My husband would say I’m crazy for getting so upset. I would close myself in the bathroom and cry for long periods of time (still do). I was (am) so so so insecure with myself that I was convinced my husband was cheating on me. And oddly enough, this was ok for me, just sitting, doing nothing about it. Until one night I was feeling so sorry for myself for looking this way, that I was like “I can’t do this to myself anymore.” I signed up for weight watchers that night. When my husband came home from work on a break, I told him I joined up. After his initial reaction (what? Why?!? How much?!) I had to explain that I NEED HELP! At this point, there was no way I can do it on my own. He understood and has been supportive since. That was a month ago. I started at 166 pounds, and am now at 154.5. My belly will not go away no matter how much cardio I do, or how many ab workouts I do. I don’t like the way I look, and refuse to be totally naked in front of my husband. I’m working at it, but in my mind it’s just not coming fast enough. I want to be the girl my husband met 5 years ago. I want to be the thin girl with nice biceps that doesn’t get winded walking the 5 flights to my apartment. I want him to look at me and think damn, I’m lucky. In the past few days, I have thought about a lot of things. I’m not perfect, and I’m not a super model. I carried a little angel in my belly for 9+ months. I’m a good mom, and take care of my daughter and my husband as best as I can. I try to be as nice as I can to everyone I meet. I turned a house into a home, and have a killer personality (lol). I no longer think my husband is cheating on me. I know he loves me, and would do anything for me. I’m not thin, and I don’t think my poochy belly will every go away. But I won’t stop working at it. And that’s all I can do. Every day is a new chance to start over. I love my life, and soon I hope to love myself just as much. And if someone judges me by my weight, or thinks wow she can stand to lose a few pounds, I feel sorry for them. I wouldn’t trade Isabella for the best body in the world. I wanted to share my story because I know I am not alone in feeling this way, and would like to say that once you stop worrying about what other people think (jerks…) you really start to feel better with yourself. It only took me my whole life to realize this…

first picture: The year I met my husband – 135 lbs size 6
second picture: 23 (?) weeks pregnant
Third Picture: 7 1/2 months PP 154.5 lbs
fourth picture: my little Isabella

Postpartum Psychosis Survivor (Pinay Mom NYC)

Bonnie (SOAM) Asian, Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Postpartum Psychosis, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Pregnant, Suicide or suicidal thoughts 11 Comments

Hearing things that weren’t there was bad; keeping silent about it was worse.

For months after my daughter was born via C-section, I felt miserable and pathetic. I had been so independent prior to giving birth at 31; then I saw myself as this needy, ugly thing, financially dependent on a husband who was suffering through his own depression. I feared he didn’t love me. With my family 3000 miles away, I watched the laundry and dishes pile up. Worst of all, I heard things.

Not voices, per se, but laughter–a quiet, but biting mocking laughter that seemed to arise whenever I was tired, alone, and trying to breastfeed my baby. I also sensed a hand pressing down on top of my head, as if trying to break in through my skull. I’d scream, waking my baby and alerting my husband to something terribly wrong. Eventually, I told him. A neuroscientist by training, he was familiar with what was happening to me and assured me that I wasn’t “crazy.” I did some internet research and found that I was experiencing post-partum psychosis. Well, great, I thought. Now let me get back to adjusting to motherhood, thank you very much.

Only the adjustment to this new role, this new body–this new life–still shook the very core of my sanity. And I kept trudging through, silently. I loved my daughter. I hated my life.

When she was 10 months old, I tried to kill myself using the unused painkiller meds prescribed for me after my C-section. A fight with my husband triggered off what I had been quietly plotting to do for months. I swallowed four pills before he wrested the remaining meds out of my hand and flushed them down the toilet. We talked throughout the night. I decided to seek professional help. I decided to live.

Searching for a care-provider that took my insurance was humiliating. The bureaucratic run-around and telephone-tag belittled my condition, making me feel even more guilt and shame for my experience. Did no one realize that post-partum depression with psychosis required immediate medical attention? I went to the one place that could definitely spot a life-threatening condition when they saw one. I checked into the ER with a simple note: I am going to kill myself. That was the beginning.

It’s been 9 months since I voluntarily committed myself for a three-day stay as a psychiatric patient in the very same hospital in which I had given birth. 9 months of reflecting, re-prioritzing, and cleaning-up. 9 months of getting to know my daughter and getting re-acquainted with my husband and myself. The last 40 weeks haven’t always been easy. But they’ve helped me to acknowledge and accept my husband’s love, and to nurture my family, my career and my needs–no matter how difficult. I love my daughter. I love my life.

I urge everyone out there to question why the physical and psychological toll of motherhood should bring about so much shame, so much silence. It needn’t be this way. Stigma and silencing are often just symptoms of ignorance. Most people don’t recognize that we mothers can love and adore our children and still feel intense pain transitioning into our new lives. Transition can be brutal. But what hurt me and my family more was keeping quiet about it until it was almost too late. Who benefits from maintaining the stigma–the ignorance–around post-partum psychosis? What false ideas of motherhood does this stigma uphold? If people took seriously the personal and medical havoc brought on by motherhood, imagine how we might change maternity policies, healthcare, career-planning—our idea of womanhood, itself.

My daughter is napping in my arms as I write this. Soon she will wake, and the silence will be over. I can only hope.

Thank you for reading.

pic 1: Me a couple months before my 30th birthday, and about 8 months before getting pregnant.
pic 2: A week before giving birth.
pic 3: I took-up pole-dancing as a way to reclaim my body. Here I am attempting a (flawed) outside leg-hook, 15 months post-partum.
pic 4: My little monkey!

~Age: 32
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies, 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 1 daughter, 19 months