Pregnancy Loss (Anonymous)

It happened around two years ago and it was my first and only pregnancy. During this time I was finally living together with just my boyfriend (now Fiancé!) for a few months after moving from one share house to another. Once we received the keys we were ecstatic! Finally living our first own home. We had a discussion in which we decided if I fell pregnant it was meant to be if I didn’t -we tried. I stopped taking my contraceptive and boom, two months later we conceived what I believe to this day to be a girl (my partner thinks otherwise). I was thrilled to say the least I’ve always wanted to be a mother and it felt right.

I was happy and the day I found out I told my boss. Don’t get me wrong I know you are supposed to wait till three months but due to constraints of where I work I made sure I wasn’t going to do any activities that may risk the chance of my baby’s survival by telling her. The response I got “You are kidding me right? Go do “insert job here” I cant look at you right now” don’t get me wrong I love my boss and she meant it in the nicest way, she was just frustrated because I was the fourth person to fall pregnant in my workplace within 4 months- mine was two weeks after someone else! All four people that she now had to put on light duties! She later came to me and said Congratulations I’m very happy for you and hugged me.

At my work there was constant talk of pregnancies from all four of us and it was hilarious to watch all the males squirm over half of the conversions being “baby talk”. Each one of us was just as excited as the other. We loved talking about how far along we were and what ours looked like compared to how far the other one’s had developed. Each of us went for our first scans one after the other booking a day off to go ‘see’ what our bubba’s looked like. I waited until I could get the scan done outside of my body, just over 8.5 weeks, because I didn’t like the idea of something going into my body -it just freaked me out a little. When that day came I was so excited. I booked a time for when my partner could come with me and off we went. I had drunk too much water and was bursting to use the toilet much to my discretion I wasn’t allowed to use until after my scan. I jiggled and twitched and even asked how long they would be only because of how badly I needed to go!

Finally! I’m being seen and they push on my stomach and say I have drunken too much water and I have to let some out I was like wait what? once I go I wont be able to stop. They told me I had to stop! I came back and they tried again. She said it wasn’t enough! while thinking “thank goodness” i was a little frustrated at the same time -all I wanted was to see our baby! When I came back I was finally able to see the screen in which shows that little ‘bean’ that was supposed to sprout into our special baby they tried to find a heartbeat to which there was none. I went into shock as they told me to go straight to the doctors and gave me a letter. the doctor then sent me to the hospital to which I waited hours and hours to be seen. Once they saw me they prescribed me an anti-d needle and said I’m sorry there is nothing we can do and it was up to my body to reject what was now known to them as a dead foetus. to me it was still my baby -heartbeat or not. wait two weeks they said and it should happen. Nothing did so i made an appointment with the anti-natal clinic who sent me for a scan again to tell me the same thing again my baby had no heartbeat. I was then booked in for a D&C. The whole two weeks is still a blur while waiting for my miscarriage to “come”. I don’t remember much until the day I had to get time off of work. Having to tell a co worker instead of my boss -who was very busy at the time, that i needed particular days off next week as I was getting my child removed. Needless to say everyone at work found out before the boss did. I didn”t want to be the ‘new’ subject at work I was grieving at the loss of my unborn child and the gossip did not make it any easier.

The week of the procedure I also had to attend a wedding where toddlers walked down the isle and every family member that knew what happened was saying I’m sorry. At the time it did not make me feel any better but worse. Less than a month later I confessed to my father what had happened with the support of one of my friends beside me (I was visiting him over the other side of the country for his 60th). He didn’t take it well and said it was my “one chance to stuff up and I used it” Gee thanks. Nice to know I have his support. He then told his partner and who said well it’s only yr first serious relationship so its probably a good thing. I was upset and offended by what they both said. It has branded in my mind since then. I understand that my father was looking out for me at the time in his own way but it still pains me to this day. He has a very set order of the way things should go. Dating minimum of 2-4 yrs before moving in together from 4 yrs its marriage /buy a house then get a pet the next year if you can handle that and you are older than 25 then sure go ahead and make grand babies for me. The conversation put me off telling my mother that I had been pregnant and to this day she still doesn’t know.

Since then I haven’t really exercised or done anything except working and spending as much time as I can with my partner. (shift worker has it’s complications when there is never a set roster.) needless to say I’ve kept the babyweight (plus gaining a few more kgs) on and have no self esteem. I understand that these things happen it is all apart of pregnancy but I was so crushed and I am not as motivated as I once was. I don’t feel as sexy as I felt I once was and No matter how many compliments my loving man gives me I feel as they are not completely true.

Until I wrote this I didn’t realise I needed to talk it through.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.