The truth is i am only just a little bit happy. I laid in bed (baby 11weeks and 5 days old) finishing off an embroidery piece my own mother started when i was born but then left half done and now i am hell bent on finishing for some reason although i don’t know why to be frank. So i laid there doing my sewing with my little baby girl Dahlia Grace asleep in her moses basket next to me and my wonderful handsome boyfriend asleep next to me and i had an overwhelming urge to wake him up to tell him that for the first time in a long time i felt a little bit happy. I decided against waking him up since i knew he’d be the one waking up to feed the baby before he went to work at 6am. I don’t know why i suddenly felt happy but it clicked for five minutes in a dark bedroom with a couple candles lit so i could see what i was doing, but id been so unhappy recently, mainly during pregnancy actually. i thought to myself that healthy eating and exercise must have given me this short burst of little happiness. On June 15th 2011 i had a boob job, 2 years previous id had all my teeth pulled out and veneers put back in, i’d got my bum on the treadmill and sweated 20lbs of fat off my body and was 132lb. Hard work to earn the money for plastic surgery and hard work in the gym was definitely worth it. June 2011 I felt amazing and incredibly happy, I was graduating from Uni that month, i had a new job and life seemed simply good. On June 28th i fell pregnant and 5 weeks later i found out. Life was going to get difficult but if i could mirror a similar relationship i have with my own mother then a difficult future was okay with me. On April 17th 2012 i gave birth to my daughter and I weighed 187lb, yes 55lb heavier than i was 10 months previously. When i gave birth to my daughter there were some complications and i’ll save the details but i wouldn’t wish my experience on my worst enemy. However i would go through that every single day if it meant my baby girl was safe. Thats what is most important to me. I felt elated when my baby laid on my jelly belly for the first time. I can’t express the enormity of love i felt for her the second i felt her skin against mine but any mother who has a warm heart understands this love. I felt the need to explain in this story of mine to you that regardless of how i feel about myself i would quite easily give anything up for my baby. So…back to being in bed with my boyfriend and feeling a bit happy, i have now lost 36 pounds and feeling very chuffed with myself. I’ve given myself the target to lose 50lb in total. Although i feel proud of myself for forcing myself to gym 5 days a week i cant help but feel old and saggy and gross when i look at my naked body. Great teeth and boobs but i see my tummy and i feel deflated in my heart just how my belly looks really. I see my brothers girlfriend and her perfectly annoyingly toned perfect lithe gorgeous body and cant help but feel genuinely crap about myself. i find myself getting angry at my brother for bringing her around me. It’s not his fault. The stretch marks on my belly hurt my heart when i see them and these ‘you’ve earned those stripes tiger’ quotes can absolutely bugger off because i’ve got a scar big enough to share with ten women by my vagina and that is the only stripe i will wear with pride, and i think thats enough. The health visitor is urging me to get therapy to deal with my self image issue because i told her in confidence when she asked about self harming myself, i told her through snotty grizzling how much i detested my body and that yes id had images in my head of dying. But lets face facts…the only way i can deal with improving my self image is exercise and potentially winning a scratch card to pay for some laser on these horrid red marks. I’m not going to write a story about being proud of my marks because my daughter and my vaginal scar are enough proof of what i’ve done and been through. The truth is i am only a little bit happy. In public or late at night in the dark. The truth is i am only very unhappy when i see a reflection of a 22 year old girl with a saggy belly and stretchmarks. My story isn’t meant to be motivational or a cry for help or even attention. Its a moment of truth from my much longer story and if there is one woman in this country who feels similar to me, and i know i’m not the only one, that will be for some reason…comforting.
I am Age 22. Baby Girl is 12 weeks old today (July 10th Tuesday)
Please see attached/below photos. 4 weeks pregnant with baby Daddy, 8 months pregnant and my daughter 10 weeks old .