Not What I Planned (Anonymous)

1 pregnancy & 1 birth

I’m not really sure how to tell my story, I had it all typed out and deleted it because it ended up being a jumbled mess. It’s much easier to just list the major points so bear with me! (:

-18 when I got pregnant..5’2 and itty bitty with curves in all the right places
– Didn’t gain much weight at all through my pregnancy (overall about 15 lbs in the first and second trimesters combined)
– Developed severe preeclampsia and full blown HELLP syndrome at 31 weeks
– Emergency C-section 2 hours into 31 weeks
– Delivered a tiny little 2 lb 8 oz baby who thankfully has no long lasting health problems and is thriving at 8 months old ?
– spent 7 weeks in the Nicu at my daughters side
– told that I can’t have anymore children because my body just isn’t strong enough to handle it
– After she was born I had stretch marks show up EVERYWHERE and the little weight that I did gain went directly to my tummy
– While I’m not necessarily happy with my body physically I think my hatred for it is more of a mental thing..I despise it for not being strong enough to carry my daughter to term and not being strong enough to bare any more children :(

4 thoughts on “Not What I Planned (Anonymous)

  • Wednesday, January 20, 2016 at 4:34 pm

    Beautiful momma, I know it’s hard to accept what was handed to you. You will, eventually, come to terms with it. My story isn’t quite the same, but ends similarly in that my body just cannot take more pregnancies. And it wasn’t until my baby turned 6 2 weeks ago that I realized that I am actually kind of sad that that’s the fact I have to live with. Much love to you. You aren’t alone.

  • Wednesday, January 20, 2016 at 4:41 pm

    I had my first child 13 years ago and had developed severe pre-e and HELLP syndrome. I did end up carrying to 37 weeks with no issues up until the last ob appointment. My child only had to spend 72 hours in the NICU so my personal case was not as extreme sounding as yours. Most of the health issues were with me after the birth. I had to endure 2 blood transfusions and a birage of other tests and procedures after the birth. Not being able to have another child or that I was too weak to carry another child was never mentioned. I don’t know if medical practic has changed for this situation since I had this 13 years ago, but if it is any glimmer of hope for you to know that I carried 2 more healthy pregnancies with no pre-e or HELLP at all. Sorry for what you had to endure HELLP was a very scary thing. I wish the best for your future.

  • Wednesday, January 20, 2016 at 7:29 pm

    Oh my dear, my heart feels for you so much. I was 16 and 34 weeks pregnant when I had HELLP, completely unexpected and I remember feeling so guilty like my body just hadn’t done what it was supposed to do. First, I was told the same thing, that I probably wouldn’t be able to sustain a pregnancy again, three years after my son’s terrifying delivery that if not for an emergency c-section would have killed us both I had a successful vbac and had 3 more since then. Second, look in your daughter’s beautiful face and give yourself the love you give her because you deserve it. Even with all the turmoil you both went through your strength brought you both this far, you deserve value, love and compassion. You’re as beautiful as you were before stretchies because your beauty is much more than a flat tummy. YOU are your beauty. Love yourself so your daughter has an example of how she should love herself. Best wishes, my boy is almost 13. I still remember those moments in the nicu.

  • Thursday, January 21, 2016 at 5:01 pm

    It might be worth getting a second and third opinion on not being able to have another child.

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