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My long journey, my son, and my many body issues (Paula)

I’m Paula and i want to thank you all for this website. It has been such a good thing to me knowing i’m not alone. I thought i was the only one to have so many stretchmarks. I got pregnant for first time when i was 16. The baby died in my uterus before i even knew i was pregnant. I had a surgery to take her out. It was so hard. I’ll never forget the pain of loosing her. I say her because in my inside i know it was a girl. I feel guilty because when i found out i was pregnant i was in shock and i have considered abortion. When i made my mind to have my baby i found out she was dead at least a month ago. My, then, boyfriend wanted me to have an abortion and was pressing me to do it. He said if it was his brother he would force me to do it. I was the only one who cried for my baby girl. For him it was a relief. I hated him so much. When doctors told me my baby was dead i run like a crazy, i locked myself in bathroom and cried for so long that i don’t even remember how much time. A nurse tried to calm me and said i was so young and had many time to have other babies, but i lost my baby, that baby, no other baby will replace her, never. Later, 8 months later i married my, then, boyfriend, after 3 months i got pregnant with my son, the love of my life. It wasn’t planned but it was the best thing in my life. Once again my, then, husband, didn’t want the baby. This time i didn’t even had doubts, i wanted to have my baby. And my, then, husband started to abuse me physical and worst off all, emotionally. He used my son to hurt me. Noone on my family was alowed to speak to my son or touch him, hold him and so on. It was a living hell. My son is now a very sad teenager, 14 years old, don’t talk to much and doesn’t like to be in social events. He’s always reading, in computer or sleeping. I love him so much, he’s my life, my world, i don’t even have words to describe how much i love him. Now i’m 32 years old, i’m divorced, my husband left me 1 year ago after 14 years of marriage. I was betraied, and he left me in such a way that i find myself thinking he never, ever, loved me. He said he didn’t love me anymore when we were having lunch, and in the presence of my son. Things weren’t well for a while, or never was. What’s worse it’s to be left like garbage, like i have no value whatsoever. He never thought about our family, our son. He said he didn’t want any responsabilities. Motherwood was hard on me. I had a very good pregnancy but i was letf with many scars. I have 3 stretchmarks on my belly but i have hundreds of them on my sides, tights inner and tons on outsides, my breast are covered with them, and have a lot on my calves. I’m honest, i don’t see in here anyone who has so many and so bad stretch marks has i have, even though i don’t have them in my belly. I’m so depressed, so depressed. I take bath with no light, just a light far way because i can’t stand to watch at my body, and so many time has passed. I also have a horrible scar in my left arm. When i was little i had a domestic accident, i burned my harm, i have done 4 operations and it’s still horrible. And after having my son i started losing my hair. And never got it back, it’s worse and worse. And i have varicose veins from my pregnancy also. So many issues. I don’t see anyone who has stretch marks in outer front part of tights, i see many of you who has them in belly but i have them in my sides an A LOT OF THEM on my tights. I feel i was tired apart by a tiger. I used a cream on my belly but none on sides and tights. I gained 30 kgs in 3 months, the first 4 i was almost always nauseated. I’m so sorry that i gained so much weight. Now i’m depressed, i just want to die, and hate myself.










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26 comments… add one
  • Mary Tuesday, March 11, 2008, 9:42 pm

    I have them on my thighs mama, yours are so light, like glitter. You are beautiful.

  • tasha Tuesday, March 11, 2008, 9:47 pm

    hun i’ve got stretch marks on my outer thighs, just like yours. your story is heartbreaking, but I wanted to let you know that lots of women have those there :]

  • Shiny Tuesday, March 11, 2008, 10:25 pm

    Hello there,
    Your story made me sad because while I do think you have a beautiful body, the way you have been treated is just horrible. Is there any counseling services you could access? Perhaps a government agency or through your church?

    It sounds like you are suffering from depression due to the failed marriage.. I know you can’t see it now but once you get past this you will see that you are better off without a man that doesn’t value you and abuses you.

    Perhaps your son could use some counseling as well since it sounds like it has been difficult for him.

    I hope you find the help you need and realize your own worth.

    Best Wishes.

  • Leslie Tuesday, March 11, 2008, 10:35 pm

    You are BEAUTIFUL!! I look at your pictures and really don’t see what you see. I don’t see stretch marks. I see lines where they may have been before but they are so faded they are not even noticeable. Personally I think you look fantastic!

  • Sarah Wednesday, March 12, 2008, 12:17 am

    First of all, those stretch marks you speak of are so light and tiny and whispy and pretty that I can hardly tell they are there. Second of all, they are marks of beauty and courage and NOTHING to be afraid of or ashamed of. And finally… and most importantly, the Lord loves you and you are very important and beautiful to Him. Remember that always. You are strong. You are a survivor and you are HERE FOR A REASON!

    God bless you!

  • April Wednesday, March 12, 2008, 1:07 am

    Reading your story I was expecting to see much different pictures. You are so beautiful! You have a beautiful body! You look better than me and I’ve never even been pregnant!

    I’m so sorry you were treated so horribly. No one deserves that. My ex-husband was emotionally abusive too, but not nearly as bad as yours. It took me a long time to feel okay about my body, though I still struggle with it sometimes. Maybe some counseling would help you. Sometimes it is hard to help yourself. I hope whatever you do you are able to realize that you are beautiful. Really! Even your stretchmarks are pretty and silvery.

  • n. Wednesday, March 12, 2008, 4:31 am

    I just wanted to tell you that I haven’t had a baby (yet) and I have the same stretch marks! Just from being a woman, and having gained weight over the years!

    Please see if you can get some counseling – abuse is terrible and leaves deep scars. And most of all: Please do not hurt yourself! Your son needs you!

  • Violet Wednesday, March 12, 2008, 5:41 am

    Your post has disturbed me deeply. Not because of your pictures (because they are beautiful), but because of your severe depression. I think that you need medical help – fast! No one is going to judge you or make you feel less than. You ARE WOMAN! Don’t ever let yourself feel bad.

    Please re-read your post and look closely all of the things that you’ve accomplished. You’ve raised a son. You survived “abuse,” you’re going on to another day.

    I think that if you get help, it will benefit both you and your son. In order for him to be happy, you must be happy. Good luck, and don’t feel ashamed for seeking the help that you deserve.

  • Thea Wednesday, March 12, 2008, 7:59 am

    Girl, you are not the only one with stretch marks everywhere else but belly! that is exactly how I am. I have them around my thighs, boobs and hips, but no tummy ones. And I love my body right now! Think of how your body grew your baby and how well of a job you did! you should be proud! and always love yourself, you’d be surprised what the little ones pick up on.

  • rachael Wednesday, March 12, 2008, 8:38 am

    You are so beautiful! And now I am going to go post some pictures of the stretchmarks on my thighs cos I have some too!

  • Leigh Wednesday, March 12, 2008, 8:45 am

    Paula,
    I have stretch marks everywhere just like you have, you’re not alone in that. I’m really concerned about your lack of a sense of self-worth though. Nobody deserves to be treated the way you were treated by your former husband. Now that he’s gone (and this is a good thing!), I hope you’ll find a way to get some counseling. If money is an issue, many counselors are willing to work with someone who has limited means. I know this from personal experience. Please get help: it may be hard to discuss your painful past, but it’s also liberating to let it go. Again, I know this from personal experience. I wish you well.

  • Andrea Wednesday, March 12, 2008, 8:46 am

    You are beautiful and I have a ton of them on the things and hips to and my belly but they where worth it for my babies. I agree with shiny I grew up in a situation similar although he was not my father and he really needs you now you can turn his life around he’s still young :)

  • Caurie Wednesday, March 12, 2008, 9:17 am

    I am so sorry you are in such a dark place right now. Please don’t give up – your son needs you! You are a strong beautiful woman! Please seek help via a counselor or doctor. Most communities also have a hotline for victims of domestic violence that I am sure could give you referalls to counseling. Please hang in there Momma!!!!

  • Andrea Wednesday, March 12, 2008, 9:28 am

    I have stretchmarks on my inner thighs, my outer thighs, my breasts, my stomach, my arms.

    My legs were actually the first place to get stretchmarks!

  • Stephanie Wednesday, March 12, 2008, 9:48 am

    Hi! I’m a 21 year old mother of two. I have not too many stretch marks on my tummy, but I definiatly have them on my breasts, my calves and inner/outter thighs and hips! My hair also started going grey… so at 17 I had grey streaks! I’m so sorry everything is so hard for you right now! I think you have a beautiful figure!

    Also, your son is 14 you say? That’s a difficult age. The teenage years are rough and I’ve watched my siblings go through it (I’m the oldest!), and always come out okay.

    I’m sorry your husband was a JERK!!! I truly hope that you seek help and can improve on you own self image.

  • marjorie Wednesday, March 12, 2008, 6:43 pm

    Sweetheart, your stretch marks are barely visible. You look good! I hope that all the comments here are helping you to feel better about yourself. But nevertheless, it really sounds like you need some support and counselling. I hope there is someone you can talk to.

  • sunshowers Wednesday, March 12, 2008, 9:26 pm

    Your stretch marks are not nearly as bad as you think they are – if you hadn’t pointed them out, I would never have noticed them in the pictures. I had to squint to see them.

  • Katherine Thursday, March 13, 2008, 7:27 am

    Paula,
    after all you and your son have been through, seeing a counselor to talk through it would be beneficial for both of you. Your son sounds like he’s as depressed and down as you are. Also, please realize you are actually LUCKY your abusive spouse is gone and isn’t tormenting you anymore. Another thing to consider – if you have continued hair loss, lethargy, depression, you might want to have your thyroid checked, just to rule out medical contributors to depression. I hope that you find the support you need to start healing your heart’s wounds.
    Peace.

  • Jacque Thursday, March 13, 2008, 1:56 pm

    I think you look wonderful as well, but I know you didn’t post just to hear everyone tell you how great you look. As many of the women here have already said, you are much stronger than you give your self credit for. You owe it to yourself and your son to prove to your jack arse ex that you do NOT need him and you are better than that. Be strong and help mold your son into the kind of man you should have married, one that respects you and believes in your beauty. I’ve been there too – and what got me through was proving to him that I was better off. And you know what, along the way, I realized that I WAS better off. I am remarried to a wonderful man who loves me no matter what, stretch marks and all – and that makes me feel more beautiful than a perfect body ever could.

  • Magdalene Thursday, March 13, 2008, 10:22 pm

    I had a baby three months ago and am also covered in stretch marks, especially around my thighs. My butt also looks like a cat scratched it to death… but then even Jenny McCarthy, the Playboy centerfold, apparently has the cat scratch butt too! It’s in her book .Belly Laughs. !

    You are such a strong and beautiful woman — we are all so inspired by you and wish you and your son all the best! Please know that so many people love you and care about you! You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight…

    Blessings!

  • Paula Friday, March 14, 2008, 12:39 pm

    I just wanted to say THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT.
    I know i need support and counseling. I’m just trying to live a life. I don’t know how to live alone. But i must learn. My son is my priority, my life. Slowly his getting better. I just think no other man will love me because of my body. I didn’t left my ex-husband long time ago because i didn’t want to be alone. When i look at me i see a monster. I feel guilty for gaining so much weight during pregnancy, i caused this not the pregancy itself. I don’t have self esteem. And being divorced doesn’t help.
    I just want to thank you again for your comments and for this site. I think that posting here it’s a start, a start for trying to accept me. God bless you all.

  • Sandra Friday, March 14, 2008, 8:21 pm

    oh hun! your body is BEAUTIFUL…NOT LYING AT ALL!!!! seriously! If you could come look at mine you’d know you look hot. My belly button is shaped like a frown, my thighs on ALL sides have stretch marks, my hips have stretch marks just like yours, my butt has stretch marks and so does my belly. I am pregnant for the third time and let me tell you I expect to add to my belly scars. Along with celulite! Being over weight at 192 and 5’5″.

    You hun are beautiful! Don’t let his mental abuse stand in the way of your self image. I bet you have tons of memories of him putting you down!

  • Paula N. Saturday, March 15, 2008, 6:52 pm

    Hi, Paula! My name is Paula, too!

    Your story is so sad! I am going to be blunt and tell you that I expected to see a “conventionally unaesthetic” looking body in the pictures. Your body rocks!!! Not only because you look really hot, but because it seems like it has served you extremely well throughout all your hardship!

    Your ex-husband seems like the ultimate a**hole. I cannot believe you stayed married to him for so long! You are a resilient, hardworking woman! Your husband appears to be the type of person who blames all his failures on other people! Don’t become a victim of his negativity!

    Your story is very sad. Your life is not over and you have lots of potential! Don’t let your life end on a sad note!

    I think your body is wonderful, but even if you don’t agree, just remember that it’s only a temporary container for your BEAUTIFUL SOUL!

    Keep shining, Mama!

  • Jem Saturday, March 15, 2008, 10:35 pm

    Paula, you look stunning! EVERYONE has stretch marks…EVERYONE. Even when you see women in magazines, they have been completely air brushed. Your body is AMAZING! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

    Your life sounds like it has been really tough and I hope you find the support you need :)

  • Stephanie Friday, March 28, 2008, 12:45 pm

    I got to say that when I was reading your story. Tears came to my eyes. My mother in law was in a similar situation and over the years she has recounted her story to me. And I love her because of it. I look at her as an amazing woman and even though you may not realise it people look at you in the same way! You are an insperation to all of us. Men like your ex dont deserve women like you. You are gorgous! Not because everyone says so but because you are beautifull on the inside AND outside! Look at what you have gone thru – YOU ARE AMAZING!!

  • chotto Friday, June 20, 2008, 9:03 am

    Believe me or not I envy how thin and small your stretchmarks look on these pictures ,and OMG ur shape is NOT that bad its cute I like how small and fragile it seems am sure someone will too !
    my inherited *sigh* stretchmarks look like mini snakes and because I’m dark skinned it comes out even more ,they’re everywhere like you said,breast ,bottom and tighs
    I’m turning 18 soon and although I’m aware that they must be the origine of most of my confidence related issues ,I know that I cnt do anything about it I have no words to describe your story but dnt be depressed please just go on and live it up otherwise you’ll regret having waisted time when you’re old and paralysed !good luck Mrs Paula !:)

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