It’s the Journey (Anonymous)

“It’s the journey” is what I tell myself.

I’m 27 years old and feel so…old. I have a four year old and a 15 month old and have been breastfeeding for a total of four years now. When I was a young girl, middle school age, I remember women telling me (lots of women) to enjoy ‘what I have’ now while I have it. I recall them telling me I’ll never know how good I’ve got it until it’s gone. At the time I thought these were the stories of crazy “old” women who were likely blind because, I was fat. My belly was rounded out and my hips were curved and I was teased with the name ‘torpedo tits.’

Sure, I could still feel sexy (given the guy I was with found me sex-worthy).

Secretly, I’ll admit, if I was home alone and looking into the mirror I felt fucking HOT. I loved my curves and my fleshy bits.

Two children later and I feel soft. Stretched. Saggy. Old.

My first pregnancy at 22 was amazing. I never felt so confident, so sexy, so attractive. My belly was adorable and adorned with only a few light stretch marks and I only gained 25 pounds. My home birth with that baby was amazing and left me feeling in awe of my postpartum body and all of its wonders.

This was a short- lived feeling.

My partner and I were not prepared for the life of an unmarried, postpartum, needing to grow up some more couple. However, we were dedicated and smoothed our lives and our routines and did our much needed growing up. Then we decided to try for number two.

It took sixteen months to conceive our second child compared to a month to conceive the first. This secondary infertility was hard on our psyches and eventually we decided to give up ‘trying’ and started to plan a wedding instead. I was pregnant a week later.

This time, I gained 50 pounds and a highway of stretch marks, deep purple and red on my belly, thighs, and hips. My breasts ballooned as did the rest of me. The pulling forward weight of pregnancy seemed to bring out my Great Grandma Helen Hump on my neck. This birth was hard, baby presented with a nuchal hand and I was in much more pain than I had anticipated based on my first birth experience. I felt disappointed and let down with my body after this birth (despite it doing what it needed to in the end, delivering a healthy baby at home in under 6 hours).

15 months postpartum I have my good days and many bad. I have two amazing daughters that I want to be an equally amazing role model for.

I don’t shave. Razors are CRAZY expensive and it’s completely unnecessary. If my body was born and made this way then THIS is a woman’s body- bushy hair and all. I am worthy of love, respect, and dignity just as I am, without painting, plucking, and tweaking.

This is what I’m trying to teach my girls. Ah, there’s the rub. I am also teaching myself. I don’t feel this way and yet this is what I am trying to teach by living the example. I never ever verbalize that I feel fat and gross most days. I try hard to be naturally confident and therefore beautiful but I don’t feel sexy to my partner and I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin or hair or clothes.

We’ve resumed wedding plans. I knew I didn’t feel good but it wasn’t until shopping for a wedding dress that I realized how BIG I’ve gotten. At 22 when I got pregnant with my preschooler I weighed 135 pounds. Two children and 5 years later I’m a soft, apple shaped 172. My breast are huge and pendulous, my nipples like the erasers at the end of those giant pencils (my loving partner pointed this out),my arms are fleshy, my belly skin sags down onto itself, my thighs rub so much they chafe in the heat of the summer.

It’s hard to be an example physically and not be quite “there” yet mentally.

But I’m trying, I’m learning.

I’ll keep telling myself, ‘it’s the journey.’

15 thoughts on “It’s the Journey (Anonymous)

  • Wednesday, August 10, 2011 at 10:10 am

    We must be looking at different people/pictures here because I don’t see saggy OR pendulous breasts here. I see full, round, sexy breasts. You have a gorgeous figure.
    BTW, I love your outlook on the womanly body and life! :D

  • Wednesday, August 10, 2011 at 10:53 am

    I can totally relate!!! I’m trying to raise my children to love who they are but at the same time, hating myself (quietly, in my head). Honestly, I see nothing wrong with your body. I wish that, as moms, we could love what nature has done for our bodies and not feel like we’ve failed because we don’t look like we did when we were younger. I’d love to look like I did when I was 18, but I’m not 18, I’m 38 with 4 children, and THAT is what I look like today. Is it a bad thing? I don’t think so, despite what media and society would have us think.

  • Wednesday, August 10, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    I think your figure is GORGEOUS! You have a classic womanly beauty. I also have very large breasts (I just ordered a 34G bra and I’m thrilled to think about having one that doesn’t pinch me) and I think yours are lovely. And you might not like your “pencil eraser” nipples, but I will definitely trade you…you can have my flat girlish nipples and I’ll take your great womanly ones!

    Also I’m 14 pounds lighter and my thighs rub together too. I complained about it once and my friend said “I think my thighs have ALWAYS rubbed together!” Chaffed thighs of the world unite!

    It is a great lesson you are trying to learn and I hope you can take it to heart soon!

  • Wednesday, August 10, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    I hope you have a wonderful wedding! You have a beautiful, lush, very feminine body.

  • Thursday, August 11, 2011 at 6:38 am

    Wow. I totally expected something else before seeing your pictures. Your are one hot mama! You’re breasts are awesome if I may say so. I’ve never thought having large breasts would be a positive (pretty small myself) but yours are perfect. I think your partner said that about the erasers because in his male mind it was a compliment!

  • Thursday, August 11, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    I would love to have ur boobs they r not saggy they r just perfect! you have nice curves, lucky you.x

  • Thursday, August 11, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    It’s a wonderful lesson you’re trying to teach your daughters. I will hopefully be successful in teaching mine the same things.

    Your tits are amazing! I had C’s before pregnancy and now my tits have shrunk to A’s. They’re still perky, but I don’t fee as womanly without my once decent-sized breasts.

    You look like a real woman. Congrats on getting married. too. :)

  • Friday, August 12, 2011 at 6:29 am

    For the record, you are screaming HOT!!! That being said, now embrace the message you are instilling in your daughters, because you ARE so spot on. You ARE BEAUTIFUL!!! You have classic beauty for a classy lady! Let your daughters see that natural REAL BEAUTY (like yours), strength, confidence, and courage are the norm.

    Please enjoy your wedding (possible update pics?), your family, and being YOU!!!

    Much blessings to you and your family.

  • Friday, August 12, 2011 at 8:46 am

    You look BEAUTIFUL! Let me tell you, you look better than I do, and I don’t have any children yet! You are curvy, and gorgeous. You are brave for teaching your children this in a world where everyone is afraid to show who they truly are. Everything is fake, caked on, or sweated out. I admire you, I only hope one day I can look as fierce as you after having children!

  • Saturday, August 13, 2011 at 11:44 am

    If I may offer a male perspective, I have to say that you look stunning and a LOT of guys would say your figure is perfect and beg you not to change it! And it’s inspirational to see a lady having the self-confidence to be natural, with no desire to use razors. You’re a great role model!

  • Saturday, August 13, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    You look GREAT – it is sad how harshly we judge ourselves. Your breasts are gorgeous too and there is nothing wrong with your nipples!

  • Friday, September 9, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    After two children, I would kill for breasts like yours, honestly. They are gorgeous and I think the perky nipples are sexy. I breastfed both my children (10 years difference between the two) and my once full size A breasts have shrunken to less than AA and are basically stretched out nipples atop saggy, stretch-marked skin. I recently bought a training bra in the girls department of Target because it’s all I could find that fits me! Your body looks amazing and your breasts are smokin hot!

  • Saturday, April 21, 2012 at 11:56 pm

    Ok. That is the kind of body I’d want to be snuggling up to. As a kid, as a man (I am neither!). You look just gorgeous. Just gorgeous:)

  • Tuesday, April 24, 2012 at 9:35 am

    As a woman who is barely 34A, all I can say is I wish I had something like that to put in a bra! Grass is always greener, I guess…lol

  • Monday, May 5, 2014 at 6:17 pm

    Based on the beginning of your story, I was a bit shocked to see your photos. You’re beautiful, and your body looks young! Gorgeous mother.

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