Author: Bonnie (SOAM)

I’ll be on the Today Show! I need you!

Bonnie (SOAM) In the Media, Old News 7 Comments

The Today Show is planning to air a story on SOAM this Friday morning. They want to interview some moms who have participated by posting their story here on SOAM. Here are the details – they want recent submissions. I think within the last few months. They want moms who still have young babies, under sixish months old. They would prefer for the moms to be here in the San Diego area, but are open to considering other places in the country that are near to large cities (San Fransico, LA, Chicago, etc) which would make it easier to get a crew out to you. This is set to air Friday so they are hoping to interview you either today (Wednesday) or tomorrow. If you are available and meet these requirements, please shoot me an email at bonnie@theshapeofamother.com

Woohoo! Thanks! Pass it on!

Confidant… Most Days (February Mama)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 9 Comments

I am so grateful to be able to identify myself as a Mother. My DH and I struggled for 14 months to conceive our first child, Ethan. We tried to get pregnant on our own for many months before turning to a fertility clinic for help. After tons of testing we were diagnosed with “unexplained infertility”. Which made us feel even more helpless because apparently there was nothing wrong with either of our bodies and we “should” be able to get pregnant. Finally, after an unsuccessful 3 months of being on the fertility drug “Clomid” I said enough was enough. I was emotionally and physically spent. Our doctor convinced us to try one round of Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) without any medication, but warned us that without medication, it was rarely successful. We agreed to try one round. If that did not work, we were done. On June 4, 2008 we had our IUI performed and it worked! We were stunned, elated, shocked, and thrilled to death! We were finally expecting a baby!

Aside from some morning sickness and an ovarian cyst that resolved on its own, my pregnancy was uneventful. I enjoyed “eating for two” and had gained 40lbs by 36 weeks. I started my pregnancy at a fit 125lbs, and at 5’7′ felt this was my “ideal” weight as I had maintained this weight for over 10 years without issue. Although my belly expanded more than I thought was humanly possible I was left with only one small stretch mark on my right hip. Little did I realize how much that one little mark would mean to me. At 37 weeks and 3 days my world came crashing down. I was sent for an ultrasound because my midwife could not tell if my baby was breech. At the ultrasound I was happily telling the nurse that my midwife thought I would have a large baby because she thought the baby’s head was big. The nurse asked the doctor if a baby’s total weight could be predicted by the size of his head so the doctor began to scan my son’s head. The moment I looked up at him was the worst moment of my life. I saw his face crumple in a look of total disbelief and shock. When I asked what he saw he stopped the ultrasound and told me to call my husband while he went to get the neonatologist. In a moment I was left alone in a hospital room with no explanation of what was going on. I called my husband who rushed to the hospital and together we learned from the neonatologist that our son had a very sever case of Hydrocephaly. Fluid had built up inside his skull and was taking up the space where his brain should have had room to grow. Although the part of his brain that controlled breathing, heartrate, and other unconcious functions worked perfectly, the other parts of his brain had not developed. Our only option was to have the fluid drained from his skull so that he could be born. A C-section was out of the question due to the size of his head. Our doctor explained that if I chose to have a C-section without draining the fluid from my sons head, he would have to make such a huge incision that I stood a good chance of bleeding out and dying. As our son was already comatose in my belly, we chose to have the cranial decompression performed. It was successful and I was able to have him naturally. Ethan was stillborn on February 7, 2009 at 37 weeks and 6 days. He weighed 7lbs 15oz and looked like a beautiful sleeping angel.

Leaving the hospital empty handed was like the final insult heaped ontop of years of injury. I was convinced we were never meant to parent a living child. I threw myself into the task of losing my baby weight. I treated weightloss like a job. Every single day I walked for miles. When our OB gave me the go ahead to start running again, I ran until I thought I would colapse. 9 weeks after giving birth I was back to 125lbs and into my pre-pregnancy clothes. And I LOVED that little stretch mark on my right hip. It was the only physical evidence that my son had existed. 3 months after Ethan died, my husband and I decided we would try again one more time. Back to the fertiity clinic we went and our doctor agreed to perform the same IUI procedure, again with the warning of “it rarely works without medication, let alone on the first try”. 4 days later we were pregnant, again! If that seems like an awfully short time between giving birth and getting pregnant, IT WAS. I did’nt realize until near the end of my pregnancy that I was’nt longing for ANOTHER child, I was longing for Ethan. I did’nt make a mistake by getting pregnant again, but I really should have taken more time to grieve. Although my pregnancy went perfectly, I was terrified through the entire process. At 38 weeks pregnant I was begging my OB for an induction. He was the neonatologist that had taken me on as a patient the day I found out about Ethan’s Hydrocephaly, so he knew how much I wanted this process to be over. He agreed to induce me at 39 weeks, and on February 21, 2010 my beautiful daughter Faith was born, weighing a whopping 8lbs 14oz! Healthy, perfect in every way, and looking exactly like her brother. My DH and I were over the moon with happiness and still are today. Our daughter brings us more joy than we knew existed in this world.

After Faith’s birth, my body shocked me. I was in my pre-pregnancy clothing at 3 weeks post pardum and by 7 weeks I had lost all of my baby weight and then some even though I was not doing anymore than the occassional walk around the block. I believe I owe the weight loss to breastfeeding. I never planned to breastfeed but thought I’d give it a try. It seemed to work well for both Faith and I and we did it for 7 months. I gained a pound or two back after we stopped breastfeeding but my current weight seems to be holding steady at 122lbs. My body has changed completely though. My hips are wider, my thighs are narrower. My waist is wider and my boobs are a lot saggier. I’ve got stretch marks all over the lower right side of my stomach, but none on my left (so weird, not sure why that happened) My original stretch mark got a little longer, and I got a few new ones on my left hip, and my belly button looks like a crumpled up tissue. I still think I can rock a bikini, and I do (to heck with what anyone on the beach thinks!) But some days I don’t feel as confident as others. I find myself obsessing about getting a mini-tummy tuck. But, DH and I would like to have a living sibling for Faith so we’ll be trying for baby number 3 next year and I can’t get any surgery before I’m done having children. I’m really scared about what another baby will do to my body, so I’m trying to enjoy what I’ve got now, while I can. My children make the jiggly bits of my body matter a lot less, but they still do matter a little. I believe I will get a tummy tuck in due time, because I want to continue to have confidence in the way I look, but no mater what, the title of “Mother” is infinitely more important than how I look in a bathing suit.

Pic #1 is me before any of my pregnancies
Pic #2 is me 4 weeks pregnant with my second baby
Pic #3 is 39 weeks pregnancy with my second baby
Pic #4 and #5 is 7 weeks post pardum with my second baby
Pic #6 and #7 is 14 months post pardum with my second baby

~Age: 29
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: Oldest would have been 2, youngest is 13 months

I Get it Now (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions 18 Comments

So, when my son was born, I remember finding this website and submitting a story of my own. I read it yesterday. I felt so sorry for myself. I hated how I looked, how I felt. I was depressed. I read so many “woes me” stories, and of course, the stories of strength and courage. But it never really sank in.

I get it now.

I get why complaining is not only stupid, it’s selfish. I get that the marks I have are the marks left by my son – my life.

You might ask yourself why – what changed? I’ll tell you. My sister was due any day now to have our first girl in the family. She went in for a routing check-up and they coudln’t find a heartbeat. Today my sister is giving birth to her first child, our first girl.. And my niece is born with angel wings.
Maybe I’m angry – well – I know I am. Maybe this is my outlet. But I guess I want to tell mothers who were just like me – stop the bitching. Harsh? Very much so – but guess what… We are a truly blessed bunch who may have given up their bodies to create this perfect little person.. But we got to take them home. My sister will be left with those same marks we all have, but she has nothing to ‘show for it’. She has no perfect baby to hold. She has nothing but an empty house and a truly broken heart.

This isn’t just a message to other mom’s out there – but a reminder to me as well. We were given the opportunity to hear that first cry, see those eyes open for the first time and whisper “hello.. I’m your mommy” (which may have been the most amazing, most memorable moment of my entire life). You are ALLOWED see them grow, learn, explore. Their first smile.. First steps.. First word…

So the next time you look in the mirror and think “God, I’m disgusting”..or “I wish I could just get rid of these stretch marks or this flabby skin” – Take a step back and go straight to that baby, give them the most sincere embrace you have ever given in your life – and be thankful you got to take your reason for looking like that home and your wish isn’t “I wish I didn’t have to go to a grave to visit her” or “I wonder what she would have looked like..who’s smile she would have had..”.

Appendix Removal Update (Fiona)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Surgical Scar (Non-Cesarean), Update 6 Comments

Original entry here.

I had my appendix removed when I was fairly far on in pregnancy, and it was a fairly traumatic experience. I have enclosed some photos of how my scar is looking now, and also a little update on me.

Some negatives which have come from my experience –

1. Only one big problem, my own mental state. At the time of this appendix operation, I was offered counselling, and I refused, and now I regret it. Its a huge operation, in terms of both medical terms and also emotional terms, and as I mentioned in my original post I was awake at the time, and still to this day (almost 3 years later) I have nightmares about what happened (although I must stress that the hospital staff were absolutely fantastic). The surgical stuff scared me a lot, I didn’t understand, and I was in a country where my
native language was not spoken. I felt so helpless, and obviously the operation was very, very bloody and messy, and it freaks me out. I remember seeing my daughters hands in the sack when they had my stomach pulled open (She was almost definitely drawn to the light), and I freaked out. I have nightmares about that
too. THATS what I have nightmares about. I think it comes from the own fear I felt about my own, and my unborn childs, life. I would urge anyone who goes through this operation during pregnancy to take whatever support is offered to you, and seek more, even if you feel fine. The emotional costs will probably come out later, rather than sooner. You will almost definitely find that you feel fantastic, so happy and grateful to be alive and still have your baby after the operation, but someday, one day, its probable that these strains will come back to haunt you.

One of the things I remember from my 1 week ICU stay is the doctor (who luckily spoke English) coming to me, and showing me a chart about the risks of pre-term delivery for my child depending on the weeks. I remember my pregnancy being at the “high risk of death or brain damage” scale, and thats what sticks in my
mind.

2 – I still have minor cramping and discomfort around the scar a few years later. My doctor puts this down to the muscles re-bonding. Also due to the scar it is highly unlikely I will ever have a flat tummy. But in the grand scheme of things … who cares really?

Some positives which have come from my experience –

1 – My child is healthy. VERY healthy! No words can describe how wonderful this feels.

2 – I have such renewed faith in the medical system of the country where I live (Japan, FYI.) Its amazing to go to a hospital, during pregnancy, and be treated seriously and not like I am some over-anxious other-to-be suffering from round ligament pain or braxton hicks. I worried at the time I was being too cautious,
but now I realize that doctors are doctors because they study hard, they learn a lot, and they are GOOD at what they do. Luckily my husband was the one who dragged me to the hospital, because If I had been home alone that night, I probably would not have gone. I think its important that if you do have similar pains in your stomach which do not fit the braxton hicks or round ligament pain description (NOT necessarily in
your regular “appendix pain” area) to just seek medical help. If In doubt, just go to the hospital.
The doctor is probably not going to care if you come to the hospital and it turns out to be nothing. But if it turns out to be something … you will definitely regret not going.

3 – The experience has given me the motivation to start to seriously learn the language of the country which I live.

4 and did I mention my child is fine! I am fine too!

Its been a while since my operation now, but I encourage anyone with any questions to contact me, at this email address. It can be really lonely going through something like this by yourself. Even with a loving partner, they dont understand how hard it can be.

Many thanks, Fiona

I am now 25, my child is 2 years, 4 months.

Also – in the photos the scar is on the wrong side, but its because I use mac photo booth to take the photos. It automatically flips them and as a result It appears the wrong way round.

I enclosed 2 photos of the scar, and also one of my daughter and me now.

Will I Ever Feel Comfortable in My Body Again? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 11 Comments

I have two beautiful children who I love with ALL of my heart, but I hate the way my body has changed since having them. I often hear people say, “I love my stretch marks because when I look at them I am reminded of my children” I don’t look at it that way at all…I see only stretch marks with no emotional meaning attatched to them, other than how sad they make me feel. I wish that I could get back to my body before babies but it seems just so far off. I don’t feel comfortable in clothes and am constantly checking what I look like in the mirror. I try to only buy loose fitting blouses as I don’t want any attention paid to my midsection. My breasts have completely dropped after two pregnancies and breastfeeding two infants. Will I eventually just accept that this is the way I’m going to look? Will I get the honest motivation to do something about this? I don’t know…I guess only time will tell.

Age 24
2 pregnancies
10 months post partum

My New Body (Ashleigh)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 18 Comments

I have been cruel to my new body, berating it, resenting it, and comparing it to my “old” body. Which I yearn for every time my husband looks at me, every time I catch a glimpse of my own reflection. I tend to forget the level of contempt I held for my “old” body when it was the one I lived in. I want to change the way I view my body now, I want to appreciate the experiences which have shaped it and proudly proclaim adoration for it.

My hands which were once polished and smooth, filed and unblemished, are now chipped and calloused.But they still paint and caress, type, clap and sketch. They are just fuller now, full of laundry, dishes, tiny fingers, toys, blankies, binkies and graham crackers. At first glance, my hands are undistinguished, they don’t ooze of femininity, decorated and bejeweled, but my hands are important, they wipe and wash, they heal and cheer, they guide and protect. I love my new hands.

My arms are no longer slender and tan. They are plump and pale, frequently hidden by long sleeved shirts. But they have the power to fix things, to make everything better with an enveloping hug. They have the power to express love beyond compare, to ignite intimacy and create solidarity. I love my new arms.

My stomach is no longer flat or smooth. Its convex curves spill over my jeans, causing me constant frustration. But it is where my daughters grew, where I kept them safe until they were ready to enter the world. It is where they love to snuggle. The shallow pink ridges along the surface are a reminder of my greatest accomplishment. My stomach is soft to touch, a place my husband’s hand often sweeps across, a reminder of his love, a show of appreciation for the gifts my body given us. I love my new stomach.

My legs are no longer slender, they touch when I walk and are dimpled in places I wish were smooth. But my legs allow me to walk beside my husband, to run and play. My legs are strong, they allow me to lift both of my girls, to carry them, to jump with them, to chase them. I love my new legs.

My body is not perfect. It is no longer perky, or tan and or slender. But my body is strong, my body lives, my body gives life. I love my new body.

My Little Fire (Nicholle)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 7 Comments

3months PP
Age; 21
2 pregnancies, 1 birth

O_o REALLY!?!?!?

I was a freaking size 5 a size 5!!!!!! I was happy i wasn’t skinny but i wasn’t chunky i was 136 and 5ft 6in the beginning of my pregnancy was anything but easy i had chronic morning sickness for the first 6months , instead of gaining weight i was 128 i was loving it my baby was healthy i was healthy everything was grand but . . . my morning sickness went away I wanted nachos bellgrande everyday or subways and for some reason peanut butter and bologna sandwiches LOL . . .

At the doctors my little munchkin was considered small for his age weighing only 4lbs at 35 weeks besides his weight he was healthy and besides my heartburn i didn’t mind being 145 then 162 I had decided to name my son Aiden ( i later realized that Carrie from sex and the city had an aiden as a bf lol) which in Irish means “little fire” and boy was he heartburn everyday!!!! he liked to push his butt into the right side of my belly and would shove his knees into my ribs -_- everyone said you’re all belly omg you’re gonna recover so good LIES!! i was in labor for 36hrs before the hospital kept me finally and that was another hell altogether since my epidural was given tome 15min b4 they realized i was 10cm dilated and was ready to push but he came out quickly and weighed 5lbs and 15oz healthy as can be the day i left the hospital i weighed 172lbs which startled me because I was that very weight when i had seen my prenatal doc a week before so i wasn’t all belly but mostly fat =/

and more hell began because i bled immensly and though i wasn’t swollen my whole pregnancy the day i got home my legs were hams!!!!! it hurt to stand up but 3weeks later and 2weeks shy of my bday i weighed 168 so i was excited i lost weight BUT the celebration ended because i became so hungry breast feeding i started binge eating everything!! and went up to 189!!! now while this may seem not so bad i was devistated i stepped on the scale and cried i thought f** it im gonna starve myself i even tried the HCG diet of 500 cal and instead went up to 193!! so i went online and started researching because my plan is to fit back into my 5/6 by september and i started doing slim in 6 and eating 1200 cal as well as using protein shakes after my workouts and in a week since march 24 have dropped a few lbs and im currently 183.4 yay!! but im still a size 15 in jeans and after birth i was an 11 my waist is 45″ and it used to b a 28 for me this journey was hard and now 3 and a half months post birth I just started acceptong that im not gonna b slim in a week or a month my sister in law went from being 116 to 190 and it took her 6months after birth to be 145 she says all she did was eat salads and cut off sweets but i love sweets but thankx to this site which i stumbled on while looking up post pregnancy pictures i actually feel normal not like a whale you women unknowingly became my support system and thank you for that <3 and a quote we should all live by is said by the she-devil herself ms Gaga-- "I'M BEAUTIFUL IN MY WAY 'CAUSE GOD MAKES NO MISTAKES I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY I WAS BORN THIS WAY DON'T HIDE YOURSELF IN REGRET JUST LOVE YOURSELF AND YOU'RE SET I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY I WAS BORN THIS WAY" i wasnt born a size 0 or a 3 but if i was a 9 and healthy thats the happiest i could be =} will update in a month thanx for havin a place i can show myself off without feeling made fun of you rock! Also i was going to purchase a Belly Bandit does anyone know if it works and im currently doing as of lastweek slim in 6 series with intervals of 10minute trainer and 6minute abs i workout twice a day 30-60min in the morning and 10-30min in the evening and i eat 1200-1400 calories a day i drink one syntha6 protein shake after my am workout and one after the pm workout at 183 my body needs 72g of protein; also ladies remember no eating 3hrs before bed if u go to bed hungry u burn calories from fat!! (1hr can burn 50-53cals) eat 1hr within waking up and eat 5-6 small meals a day pictures: 1. me before the baby 2months before 2.3 months pregnant 3. 8months pregnant 4. day i gave birth december 30th 2010 5. 1week after birth 6-8. 2 and a half months after birth (189lbs) 9-11. me as of today 4/2/2011 183lbs 12. aiden 3months =] [gallery]

A New Outlook on Life (Kayla)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 8 Comments

Before I was pregnant, I was actually 100% happy with my body. If someone would tell me that I’m fat (mean people) or could lose a few pounds before I get too old and can’t lose the weight (my parents), I would let it roll of my back for the most part. I liked my body. It was curvy and strong and I had a flat stomach for being a “bigger” girl and I never felt disgusted with myself when I stood in front of a mirror.

Then I got pregnant and didn’t really show BIG TIME until I was about 6 months along, and then there was hiding it! Patrick was ready to be the center of attention even in the womb! =) Toward the end of my pregnancy, people started to make remarks that were hurtful, and it had little to do with my crazy hormones. “My goodness you’re huge! Are you going to have that baby right now!? Are you sure there aren’t twins in there?!” They may not have always meant it in a negative way, but it definitely made me more sensitive to comments about how I looked. Then my son was born…and he has been my #1 priority ever since. I am able to be home with Patrick all day, every day and I haven’t dropped the baby weight, and I know that everyone has noticed. I have heard a few comments that have stopped me in my tracks and taken everything in me not to take them 100% to heart. Consider the source, I try to remind myself…but it’s hard. It’s hard when I used to be what is more socially acceptable and happy with my size, and now people expect me to be back to that because I now “don’t have an excuse and the kid’s already 6 months old.” I hate clothes shopping. I pretty much always have, but now that I’m in a body I’m unhappy in, I hate it even more. I still expect to look in a mirror and see the “old me” and sometimes find myself wallowing in self pity and disgust at how I now look.

And then one day, I asked my boyfriend, Don, if my “new” body bothers him. If he misses the body I had when he 1st met me. And he said something I never thought I’d hear again: “You’re beautiful and I still love YOUR body. New or old…it’s all the same to me because it’s you.”

And so, every day I will try to remind myself that each stretch mark is a memory of my pregnancy that I will always have and wouldn’t trade for the world. Every part of me that some may look at with disgust and pity of how I’ve “let myself go” is a part of me that my son will never hate me for. To him, I’m perfect. I’m beautiful and strong and warm and loving and perfect. When Patrick looks at me, he doesn’t see me as being anything but his Mommy…and I’m going to do my best to start seeing things from his and Don’s perspective.

I am not who I was before I became pregnant. I do not have the body I had before I became pregnant………..

And I wouldn’t go back for the world. Patrick is my everything, and I wouldn’t trade him to be or look like the girl I was before. He has made me a better person and I’m proud of that. Some people have told me that they actually are jealous of me! ME! Some of you are probably wondering why in the world someone would be jealous of me. Well can you guess what they have said?

They said they envy how I know who I am, and I’m proud of it. I am a strong, independent woman, and although I have let negative outlooks on my body chip away at me a little, I’m self assured. I gave birth to my son, who is healthy and smart and growing just as he should because I carried him in my body when some may say, I didn’t have to. I have a man who loves me so completely, others stand back and just watch the way we look at one another and communicate through more than words. I can stay home with Patrick and take care of him and see all his milestones and be there for him 100% all the time. They envy the obvious love and admiration I have for my son and the love Don and I have for each other. My body may not be magazine cover worthy, but it’s real and it gets me through every day of my life, and I’m grateful. I am done letting society’s views on appropriate size dictate how I feel in my own skin.

I am 25 years old…and as my grandpa Harold once told me, “Life is too short to worry about fitting into anything but a coffin, and even those can be made bigger.” So if I want to eat buttery popcorn at a movie theater, I will. If I want to bake cookies at 11 o’clock at night and have 2 each day for the rest of my life, I’m going to. Because the only man in my life whose opinion matters to me thinks I’m perfect just as I am, and it’s high time I start listening.

So bring on the clothes shopping and the 360 degree mirrors, because no matter what, who I am on the inside is all I need to take note of. =)

Age~25
Pregnancies~1
Births~1
7 months postpartum