Author: Bonnie (SOAM)

Mummy Belly (Catherine)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 8 Comments

I got pregnant at the age of 19, I was skinny all throughout my teens until i hit 18 where it started to pile on. Pregnancy made me gain a silly amount of weight.

I’ve never exercised and I didn’t want to start whilst pregnant. After having my beautiful daughter I was left with a lot of excess skin around my tummy and my body is covered in stretch marks. I don’t mind the stretch marks though, to me they’re just as natural as freckles. But the excess skin has made me so conscious about myself. I have to wear long shirts to cover it all the time and it makes me cry when I look in the mirror. I guess I just want reassurance that with time & work it will tighten?

Shoot for the Moon (Analisa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Four or More Pregnancies, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 16 Comments

Before I start I just want to say that in all the years I’ve read through “your” stories and seen “your” photos I’ve yet to see an ugly body. I believe our perception of our own body image is the only true “ugly” thing I’ve seen…including my own.

My name is Analisa. I am 29 years old. I’ve been married for almost 14 years, had 6 kids and since June, 2011, divorced.

I really don’t remember how it felt to have a nice teenage body. I had my first son at 15 years old. I gained about 50 lbs with him.
When he was four months old I became pregnant with my daughter. I didn’t realize how much pregnancy had taken a toll on my body, till my then 17 year old husband asked me,” Didn’t your boobs used to look like this?” while he held up one side of my chest. One day he took my son’s etch-a-sketch and drew a picture of a woman with boobs that like those ladies in Africa on National Geographic. He showed it to me while laughing his head off saying it was me. I can’t tell you how bad that hurt my feelings. That started my total disgust and loathing of my body.

As days past I became extremely self-conscious and would no longer allow him to see me without my bra on. To this day the only time I take off my bra is to shower. I don’t want to see them any longer than I have too.

I realize my body went through a lot to bring my beautiful children into this world, but, it doesn’t make sense to me to now not take care of the damage. You get cavities you go to the dentist and get them filled. I believe this is the same kind of thing. I can no longer accept the body I have. I want to do something about it.

I’m a bit on the skinny side but at the same time I’m not fit. I’m what some people would call “skinny fat”. I look okay in my clothes, but outside of them is a whole other story. I would actually like to gain some weight by toning up..I have no butt. :( I’m not sure if exercise will do anything for the loose skin on my stomach but I’m willing to try. I am going to try building up my chest muscles before I decide whether or not to get implants. I don’t care if they are small as long as they just look normal.

I decided that 2012 is going to be my year to turn this around. I started a blog type website called “The Jillian Challenge”(Jillian as in “Jillian Michaels” ) to keep track of my progress and also maybe inspire other moms out there that are feeling the same way to get in shape.

This is an excerpt off my site’s home page:

When I look in the mirror I see a misshapen old woman, thinking, “this can’t possibly be my body!”. I’m tired of feeling disgusting..I want to get in shape to the best of my ability. I know we’ve all heard that quote…
“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” ~Brian Littrell

That’s why I chose Jillian Michaels to be the body image I aspire to. You can’t possibly aim higher than that. If I could get anywhere close to how her body looks it would be amazing. I am starting a 6 month challenge to get my body to look as close to her’s as possible. I will be following her diet advice, doing her workout DVDs and using her equipment.

In the first belly pic you can see I have a small hernia above my belly button caused by pregnancy. It will have to be surgically fixed.

Well, we will see what happens.. :) Good luck to all you Mom’s in this new year!

Resented Before He’s Even Born (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Pregnant, Submissions 21 Comments

My age – 29
4 pregnancies, 2 early miscarriages, 1 birth, currently pregnant
Oldest son is nearly 6, currently 29 weeks pregnant

Last entry here.

I came a long way since my last submission to SOAM. Back then, I was overweight (around 75kg), pretty miserable, still caught in the throes of Post Natal Depression. In the three years after that submission, I ended my relationship with my sons father, I met the love of my life who I married, and I finally lost the baby weight. In the end, it wasn’t diet and exercise that did it – I tried that. I’d exercise 5 times a week and count every calorie that went into my mouth, and I wouldn’t lose a gram. In the end it was pure starvation that did it. The constant compliments helped, the “you’re wasting away”s and “you look great”s drove me to eat less and less. I’d never felt so thin, or so good. Eventually, my eating returned to normal, and my weight fortunately stabilised at 58kg (I’m 5’3”), I felt I’d won the battle.

I had never thought I would have another baby. After giving birth to a screamer who never slept, developing the PND that nearly killed us both, and never expecting to meet anyone let alone someone who was father material, I’d all but ruled it out. When my husband came along, everything changed. He is a wonderful man, selfless and considerate, the best step father I could have ever hoped for for my son, the best husband I ever could have asked for. We started TTC in May 2010, and got our BFP in July.

Within weeks, I’d already gained back most of what I’d lost. At 29 weeks pregnant, I have gained more than 20kg over my lowest weight, tipping the scales at 79kg. I look in the mirror, and I am repulsed by what I see. In what is meant to be a wonderful time, I am resentful. Resentful of the baby who is causing this weight gain, resentful of myself for not being able to control it, resentful of my husband for wanting to have a baby in the first place. This baby moves inside me and I want to scream at it. Every time I step on the scale and see I have gained, it leaves me devastated. I walk around 20km a week as we don’t have a car, I drink 2 litres of water a day, I have an active lifestyle. I don’t eat huge meals or binge, I eat well made home cooked meals, fresh fruits and veges and whole grains. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this. This baby and pregnancy feel like a punishment rather than something to be celebrated.

Every other woman out there seems to be gaining normal amounts, the worst part is reading women on internet forums complaining they haven’t gained a thing. I seem to be the only one who is struggling. My pregnant friends are positively svelte compared to me. Every pregnant woman I pass on the street looks like she stepped out of a magazine. I’m beyond devastated by how things have turned out, and my biggest worry is that this baby will be born and won’t be worth it. I’ll get another screamer. Another baby I will resent. More PND. My heart says “it’s pregnancy! enjoy it! love yourself!” but with every weigh in my mind says no, and every thing I put it my mouth fills me with guilt. Every kick pushes me deeper into resentment.

Photos – after meeting my husband but before getting pregnant; 28 weeks pregnant

The Shadow Fear Casts is Often Bigger Than the Fear Itself (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 2 Comments

My husband told me that I was beautiful every day of my pregnancy, including while I was in the hospital in labor. From day one, I was deathly afraid of the changes that my body would undergo. My mind was filled with all of the horror stories that I had heard about pregnancy and the recovery afterwards. Our pregnancy was not planned (though we welcomed it all the same), so I felt that I didn’t have time adequately prepare myself for those fears beforehand. My body was stretching changing and gaining weight and there was nothing that I could do about it. Everyday, I would look in the mirror and stare at my thickening thighs and butt as they lost the muscle definition that I had fought so hard to attain, and everyday, I felt my opinion of my appearance sink lower and lower. Everyone around me told me how great I was doing, how incredible I looked, etc. but all that I could see was the shapeless whale in the mirror. I heard a constant barrage of, “You’ve only gained 20 lbs? You’re kidding!” and other compliments, but I always worried that yes, I looked good today– but what about tomorrow? When would the stretch marks creep across my belly? Would the ones coming into my hips lengthen and spread, and turn to that angry red that I saw in pictures? Would my skin bag once I delivered? I became more obsessed with my appearance than I ever had been before, and despite my husband’s frequent efforts to cheer me up, I continued to run my own confidence down.
And after all of that worry, all of my stress, I had gained only 21 lbs when I delivered at 41 1/2 weeks. My girl was big, strong and healthy, but I hadn’t gained much at all. The only stretch marks I had gotten were a smattering of tiny dents on my hips and I was 10 lbs under my prepregnancy weight by 8 days postpartum. I was terrified that my body would change and never be the same again, but I was in my prepregnancy jeans by 3 weeks. Why in the world did I sit there and torment myself for 8 months? Even if I had struggled to recover after birth, what profit would I have gotten from all of that stress and worry? I wore myself down for months with what I “knew” would happen to my body and very little of it even came to pass. What I learned from my pregnancy and postpartum period was that there’s no use killing myself over what might happen. Instead, I need to calm down and take things in stride, dealing with problems when they actually arise.

Age: 21
Number of children: My one little girl
How old: She is 8 weeks old, though I took the picture a few weeks ago.

22 With 3, Starting to Slowly Accept and Change my Body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Update 5 Comments

Previous post here.

When I was 6 1/2 months pregnant with my 3rd, my kids father left me and I in turn fell into a depression for pretty much the rest of my pregnancy. By the end of my pregnancy I had only gained 13lbs, and when my daughter was born at 39wks, she only weighed 6lbs, which the doctors said was under weight for her gestational age, but she is healthy. I was still so down after having her that my weight quickly went down to 170, and now 13months later I am still a single mother to my kids, and as sad as I get with my weight I realize that I have lost a good amount and I believe I look way better then I did before, plus the couple men that I have been with since having my daughter have not complained :) . I am now at 166 and would like to lose at least 20 more lbs, but I’m in no hurry.

The attached pictures are me at 13mos postpartum.

~Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 4 pregnancies, 3 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 5 1/2yrs, 3 1/2yrs, 13 1/2 months, 13 months post-partum.

Updated here.

Hating My Body (Shantel)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 10 Comments

age 23
1 pregnancy
3.5 post partum.

I have always loved my body for the most part, I’ve always been attractive and confident. It is very difficult to see myself the way I look after I had my son because this isn’t the me that I see when I think about myself. I honestly think my belly is hideous it is the worst stomach I’ve seen out of anyone I personally know that has been pregnant. I have seen worse on the internet, but honestly not too many seem worse than mine. My boyfriend claims to not mind at all but I know he does, he rarely have sex anymore and I cant help but think its because of my stomach. I hate it and its really hard to have confidence. I weigh 124 right now i used to weigh 110 so Im really not that far off weight wise but its wrinkly and saggy :( I would wear a size 5 if it were not for my belly and i have to wear 9s.

the first picture is a nude picture of me right before I got pregnant.
the second is of me while I was VERY pregnant. not sure exactly when but it wasn’t long before I had Connor.
the rest are all of my 3.5 months postpartum.
please excuse all my clothes on the floor lol
me with clothes on
and the last is of me and my baby boy Connor

Updated here.

I Love My Body (Gwen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo 5 Comments

I have been so thankful to have found this site; it helped me through a period in my life where the physical changes of my body were difficult to keep up with. My self-image and esteem were in a young, and unstable place when I got pregnant. As much as I have always been thankful for my fertility, and having brought my son into my life, I won’t lie: There have been hard times, where I have been genuinely out-of-sorts about my shape, and the way I changed when I got pregnant, and my body after that.

Women have a lot of bad press that surrounds what we are told we need to look like, and what shapes we need to be. We will most likely have more gains and losses in weight because of motherhood, and hormonal changes, and hosts of other things that we will endure in our lifetimes. Some of the things I have read through this site, from brave and loving women and mothers, have gotten me to REALLY see the reality of what we all think – and never dare to say aloud.

There have been other things that have made me so incredibly sad. Words that women have said about themselves that are not only untrue, but they’re unfair. A body is beautiful not because it is perfectly thin, and the skin is flawless; it’s beautiful because there is NO other like it in the world! It will conceive, nurture, and bring forth PEOPLE! It will create milk for an infant, and warmth to soothe tears, arms for wrapping in loving embraces, and so many more AMAZING things! I find that frequently it’s so saddening to read how women *really* feel about themselves, especially when what *I* see is SO beautiful.

I can’t deny that the weight I’ve lost doesn’t make me feel good about myself on some level; but look at the time it’s taken me. Honestly, I didn’t make this as much of a priority as a lot of women do. I let nature take what it needed, and left what *I* needed to be healthy, and sustain breastmilk, and just be able to have time to experience what I wanted, and not feel the stress and strain of what other people thought I should be doing. My body is not perfect. my breasts hang lower, my thighs aren’t smooth anymore, the flesh of my stomach is rife with faded stretch marks. This is what I’ve got, and dammit I love it.

From day 1, my husband has accepted my shape the way it was (12 mos PP), and loved me unconditionally. This is a love I hope every person has, or will have. He has seem my body at its best, and when it was in the transition of post-birth. The expressions I see from him while we are intimate have never lost their enthusiasm. We have both changed physically, and have worked through the hardships and the ups/downs of how we wanted to see ourselves. Love and marriage aren’t always easy, but he has been my pillar through this journey.

I fervently hope that people keep here keep inspiring each other on this site, and keep supporting each other. I have come to love the honesty, and the raw stories people share about their fears and triumphs, and newly found loves in their motherhood and their beautiful children. The support of women who doubt their own beauty and can reclaim their self-confidence, and share that empowerment with each other is an important boon to one another. The love of our families, husbands, dear-ones, and friends are also just as important because there are those of us who don’t want to open our ears to listen to that praise and love.

Our bodies will change, and life will keep forcing us to adapt. This is the nature of the world we live in. Our bodies have such great capacity for miracles that it is almost wrong that we find the aftermath SO damaging to our minds, and feelings about WHO we are. MY body is not WHO I am, it is what I exist in. This is my vessel, and that BEAUTIFUL vessel carried me through pregnancy and a son who has changed everything I ever knew about love, and about what legacy I will leave this world. I would never make any other choice, if given an option to go back.

Love yourselves, ladies. You are the absolute essence of beauty, and the most important part of who we are as human beings. Thank you, everyone, for everything you share. Keep supporting each other, keep showing each other that this is not something we need to be afraid of, or feel terribly about. THIS is beauty!!

First Photo: 7.5 mos pregnant
Second photo: 12-18 mos pp. NOT my most flattering angle!
Third Photo: Take today, 34 mos PP. 154 lbs.
Fourth Photo: Side
Fifth Photo: Side
Sixth: Side, where you can see I have some belly left. :) It can get hidden in the angle, but I assure you there is no flat tummy here.
Seventh: Full-belly shot. Stretch marks are still there, I promise! They’ve faded away into the rest of me. :)
Eighth Photo: My beautiful son.

Something I Cannot Fix (Marissa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 17 Comments

Age:19
One daughter (Lily), one birth/pregnancy.

I gave birth at the age of 16. Big life change after that moment. I have done great as a mother and as a student. I tried to be perfect in every way and love my daughter to the fullest! She makes my day. =) But many obstacles have shown up, and i conquer them one by one. No one said it would be easy. But yet again, no ever said that your body would be least of your worries. I am insecure and depressed. At 140 lbs, 5ft4 I think about my weight everyday and about food. I hate mirrors and a flaw is always on my mind. It makes me feel worse. Stretch marks cover my breasts, under my arms, behind my legs and all over my stomach, butt and thighs. Why me? Every other teen who got pregnant was able to flaunt in a bikini the very next day. Why did i get all scarred up? It was sad when i had to hide in the changing rooms at school and girls would give me disgusting looks and tell me they hope they disappear soon. I sadly tell them they are permanent scars and they reply back, “Really? Ew. I will never get pregnant then.” It just bums you out when you have to be nervous about wearing shorts or having a muffin top. My stomach is like a w shape, and has loose skin. My breasts are small, but not perky and full. I want to feel beautiful and sexy. I just want to stop worrying about my looks. I just need to learn that i cannot fix it and move on. My toddler is the only thing that should matter to me. I love it when she grabs my belly and gives it kisses. I smile and tell her she once lived in there.

Amazing Stretching Skin (Ann)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 3 Comments

When I found out I was pregnant, post-baby changes were one of the more minor things on my mind. That said, I was very careful to eat extremely healthy during my entire pregnancy and ended up gaining about 30 pounds.

My daughter was a waterbirth with a midwife, born at 39 weeks. She weighed 6lbs. 4oz. I’m sure that her small size affected how quickly I bounced back after the pregnancy.
Another thing I credit my health with after her birth is the fact that I nursed her exclusively. This made me more careful about my diet since my nutrition directly affected her.

I finally weaned my daughter at 2 1/2 and would say that nursing so long had no negative affect on my breasts, and aside from aging a few years, they look basically the same that they did before she was born, with a few added stretch marks :-)

I started doing some yoga and taking long walks when she was 5-6 weeks old. After that, I did Jillian Michaels’ 30 day shred the summer after she was born.

The pregnancy pics were when I was 35 or 36 weeks, I can’t remember exactly. The postpartum pic is from July 2008 (9mos. postpartum), which was during the time I had started working out more intensively. You can see in the 1st. postpartum picture that I have my navel pierced twice. I removed the jewelry when I was about 6 mos. along and put them back in only a few weeks postpartum. The only stretchmark I got on my stomach is actually the piece of skin that contains the lower piercing. Other than that, I got stretchmarks on my thighs and hips that aren’t visible in the pictures. The second postpartum picture is from Mar. 2009, which was 17mo. postpartum.

I am quite happy with my body, and admire the strength that accompanies birth and motherhood. My daughter is now 4 and my husband and I are now considering a second baby, so it will be interesting to see how I recover and what changes might surprise me the 2nd time around.

Age at birth: 24
Age in 2nd picture: 25
1st pregnancy
Pictures: 36 weeks, 9mo. postpartum, 17mo. postpartum

Thank you for an amazing website!

Mother of Four (Jerrika)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Submissions, Tattoo, Teen Mom, Third Pregnancy, Twins 7 Comments

My name is Jerrika. I am 24, I have 4 children between the ages of 2 and 6.
I gave birth to my oldest son in 2005, I was 18 year old, and felt like I had lost my body before I have even had one.
I soon had my 2nd son at 20, and felt much the same, negative and self conscious.
I gave birth to my twins in 2009 which after 2 natural births, was a C section,
I now had 4 boys and a body that felt like it had gone through a small war.
I even joked with friends that I had been attacked by a bear, and survived with the scars to prove it!
Although I was what I feel to be lucky, I still have issues every day when I look in the mirror and see what I am left with.
I am logical, and realize that I am not badly scarred. Even though it may not seem like much to some people on this website,
lack of confidence has no maximum or minimum requirements.
I am lucky enough to have friends and family who build my esteem for my everyday, but it still eats at me sometimes.
i never even got to have an adult body, so I will never get to know what I “could have been”.

I love my children, and at this point feel a lot better than I did six years, as this is the body I was MEANT to have.
you get what you get, and I know that I have 4 little boys who I couldn’t be happier to have around.

My name is Jerrika, and I am a free lance model. Pregnancy doesn’t end life, or ruin a body… I’ve earned my stripes! haha. Thanks.