Second Chance (Aly)

22 yrs old.,
2 pregnancies, 1 birth.,
Five month old daughter, pp.,
My story may be everywhere, sorry.,

I sit here having a good day which consists of me not thinking much of how I look. Mostly, I do have good days where when I do think of myself I envision my pre-pregnancy body. Bad days are where I think so negatively of myself that all I think about is wanting a tummy tuck. Why? A simpler solution to a fixable problem. I am five months postpartum, and not the same as I was before.

My story: I became pregnant when I was 18, but didn’t have the baby. I had an abortion for personal reasons that I have dealt with. It put me in a depression as life started to go bad for me. My relationship was failing, and I couldn’t cope with the loss of my baby very well. It is a decision I made on my part with the father. At the time I had thought that it was the only option for me. Now I bounce back and forth guessing if it was or wasn’t. I know I had a living, breathing, heart beating child inside of me. That was in 2008, it really messed with me too. I’m at terms with myself with what I have done. I forgave myself, but it is always a constant. I mention this because it is part of my story. The abortion was the cherry on top of everything.

My relationship:
My relationship started to fail, and it is because I wasn’t taking care of myself much. I mean I went out, had friends. When alone, I wasn’t happy. If I couldn’t be happy with myself, I couldn’t make my boyfriend happy. We were living together, but then things changed so I moved out. During the first year of battling my depression with the abortion we constantly fought, and I was blind. He didn’t want me because I couldn’t do much for me. I tried, but I was just going down. I had a job which I shortly got fired from. Bad, right? That isn’t it when I was working I had been living in the suburbs, but than moved back to the city. I ended up moving in with some people in a studio apartment. I slept on the floor, then afterwards… he broke up with me. After four years of being together it had been a bad break up, which I still never understood completely. But that is another story… which leads me to the fact that we had still been seeing each other even though we had broken up. After the break up, I still lived with the people for a while. The good thing is I had gotten myself into school because it is around the time the economy was still at a low point where I couldn’t get a job. It turned out to be a good thing because I would go out, and enjoy myself. I kept up a 4.0 GPA which dropped a little because towards the end I had some issues. I lost my grandmother, the people I lived with were drug addicts (which I am proud to say I never touched that stuff) and I slept on the floor. I struggled during this time. I started to drink a bit more, lost weight because living with drug addicts there is hardly any food. Towards the middle of school I moved back in to my ex boyfriend’s moms house where we were living together. He moved out, and I ended up graduating.

Now: We did get back together after much talking, and a year of not being together. I had left the state a couple times to go be with family during the holidays. He proposed so we got engaged, than got our own place, and then tada I became pregnant. We wanted this pregnancy, which I am forever so thankful for. I was 115 lbs before pregnancy, and came out weighing 167 lbs in the end. Tragic for me. I went from having this tiny hour glass figure to this much fuller hour glass figure. I don’t regret my pregnancy, but I could’ve taken better measures to not gain so much weight. The part I am grateful for I had a wonderful, problem free pregnancy. I had a 15 hr induction. My epidurial did fail me towards the end so it became a natural birth. Those induced contractions are no joke! I gave birth to a beautiful little girl 7 lbs, 15 0z, 19 inchs. The apple of my eye, the blessing from god, my second chance. My high school sweetheart, the same guy married me. He is now my husband, and I love him for all that he does for us. But the main issue I have? My body I beat myself up so bad about when I am having a bad day… I stay at home with our daughter. Which I don’t mind because I love watching her grow into this beautiful child. I can’t find one favorite part of her that I like the most because all of her is beautiful. I just have my days where I feel so down that I hate my body, and want to give up. Yes, give up and just go get a job so I don’t have to think. When I look at her, and play with her it is when I really forget everything. Her smile brings the warmth back to me, and makes me forget. It is just hard to accept the fact that my body will no longer be the same., I just want to be at a good place with myself where I can shrug while looking at someone with a smile. Women were made to create, and carry life… yet we can’t deal with our self image. I have stretch marks everywhere, and the funny thing? I don’t mind them at all. My grandmother has them, my mother has them, and I in a way had been prepared for these stripes. I earned them, I’m proud of them. It is just my protruding tummy that makes me look six months pregnant. Thankfully my husband, and I have started a diet together. We will diet together with exercise, we motivate each other which I am forever grateful for. I can’t do certain things, or go to a crazy workout because I am breastfeeding too. A bond I forever cherish, <3. I just wish I was comfortable with myself. I hate thinking negatively, or feeling so down. I just hope with some patience with a positive outlook I can be okay with myself. Once I am okay with myself I can then become comfortable with gaining more confidence... I like my stripes. I just feel like sharing my story for myself, and to show the truth of motherhood... and what we deal with. I'm lucky to have a daughter who has love for me in her beautiful eyes, and a husband who accepts me. They keep me grounded. Three pictures are: Front view with stripes, side view with stripes, and side view when sucked in. I hope with the dieting, and exercise it will improve some. :) [gallery]