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Trying to Accept It (Anonymous)

May 28, 2010

~Age: 25
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 3 children…2 1/2 months post partum

Honestly, if I knew what my body would look like after having kids, I never would have had any. I had my first when I was 18. For some reason I thought I was fat and disgusting. I hated my body. And then I got pregnant…and ballooned 50 pounds. It took 2 years to drop 40 of those pounds. I was so miserable with myself for so long I stayed out of pictures as much as I could. By the time my second baby came around I had gained 20 pounds on my own thanks to a husband who encouraged me to eat whatever made me happy. I only gained 25 pounds this time, but it still put me up to the same weight as with my first. Then it was only a year later when I became pregnant with my third child. I had just started to really work at losing the weight and had managed about 5 pounds when I found out. I gained 40 pounds, putting me at my highest weight of my entire life. Before kids I was a size 9. My waist was 31″…30″ on a good day, and I was 150-155 pounds. By the end of my third pregnancy I was 220. After the first week or so I dropped 20 pounds and was in a size 16.

I know it’s only been 2 1/2 months, plus I’m breastfeeding so I can’t do any major dieting, and with three kids, there’s only so much time for exercise, but I just can’t stand myself. There are times when I look in the mirror and I just want to cry. I figure if I can get to 160, it’ll be a happy healthy weight. Although I’d like to be 150 again…I’m not a teenager anymore and I do realize it’s probably not a realistic goal…I could barely maintain that weight back then. Regardless, I just hate myself. There have been times when I take all the mirrors down so I don’t have to look at myself. I have two little girls and I know I need to have a better self esteem so they’re not troubled by the same body issues as I am, but it’s so hard. I try to accept my new body, and work as best I can to improve it. And my husband tells me I’m beautiful and sexy. But I don’t believe him. I can’t believe him. All I see is fat, sagging, and cellulite.

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11 Responses to “Trying to Accept It (Anonymous)”

  1. Melissa Says:
    May 28th, 2010 at 9:12 am

    I feel your pain, I too have two young daughters, 3 and 4 years old, and before becoming pregnant I weighed in at about 145 by the end of the first pregnancy I was 218. I am 195 now and have been for three years, I never lost more than the intial 20 or so pounds right after giving birth. I must say you have a much more appealing figure than I do. I think you look good.

  2. Lauren Says:
    May 28th, 2010 at 9:18 am

    You are waaaaay to hard on yourself!! Honestly I think you look amazing!! 3 kids and only 2 and a half months post partum. If you want to lose 10 pounds it shouldn’t take too long. I am 25 and pregnant now with my second. I am trying to ebrace the weight gain but I know it can be difficult. I gained 55 pounds with my first and had to workout pretty hard to get the extra weight off. But it’s do-able! Good luck with everything. Just focus on eating really healthy. :)

  3. Natalie Says:
    May 28th, 2010 at 9:44 am

    It makes me want to cry that you honestly would not have had kids if you knew that the body you have now would be the end result…because you have such a beautiful figure. I’m not just saying that because it sounds nice, or to make you feel better…you just honestly look wonderful, you have such pretty curves, and its so sad that you can’t see that…

  4. tanya Says:
    May 28th, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    i have to say you look beautiful and especially for having 3 kids!!! and the last one not long ago. Heres a trick i do.. dont watch tv.. im not sure if you do but when i used to i hated myself and im not a bad looking person but tv made me feel that way. and i think yur butt and hips are sexy! just give it a few more months and im sure you will look even more amazing!… ps you might think im just saying all this to be nice but why would i waste 5 min writing this if it was a lie..i hope you love yourself one day!

  5. scs Says:
    May 28th, 2010 at 9:23 pm

    there is no way u weight 200 or more pounds. u look great

  6. Melinda Blau Says:
    May 29th, 2010 at 12:19 am

    Our bodies.ourselves. It’s an endless battle for women — pregnancy or not — to fight the cultural messages. We’re all too hard on ourselves. And if pregnancy doesn’t get you, gravity will. A few years ago, Nora Ephron appeared on a talk show when her book, “The Trouble With My Neck”(or something like that–a book about aging), and the comentator asked, “So what advice about aging do you have for our viewers.” I’ve tried to keep Nora’s wonderful answer in my head: √čAT MORE BREAD! Life is sooooo short, and at the end of the day it’s not what size you are or how many wrinkles you have, it’s how you connect with the people around you and make use of the talents you have. I’m not saying stuff your face every day–just put looks in their propoer perspective!

  7. TracyKM Says:
    May 29th, 2010 at 8:04 am

    I think you look pretty good for being 2 1/2months PP with baby #3 all in a short time frame.
    I know I certainly didn’t have time for exercise with baby #3. But what i did is babywear. Using a pouch in the first few months, then a mei tai, I just wore baby and did my usual daily routine, trying to remember good posture, esp. when going up stairs or uphill. A good 20min walk with baby on your back (esp. if you’re pushing a stroller too–but keep your back straight, none of the leaning forward cheating I see out there), and you’ll get a great workout without ‘working out’! And it’s such a convinient way to take care of a baby when you have other kids!
    Good luck; you are still at the very beginning of your recovery road :)

  8. Colleen Says:
    June 1st, 2010 at 11:24 am

    I’ve read your post half a dozen times now (because it was on top for a few days) and honestly…your first sentence kind of makes me want to cry. Is your body looking perfect really worth more than your beautiful children? Would you really choose a bikini (which few people look good in anyways) over your babies?

    I was trying to do the math, and by what you said, you’re still around 200 pounds? Sweetie, you don’t LOOK it. You’re the shapliest 200 pounds I’ve ever seen! You have great curves and a nice trim waist. If you dress yourself in clothes that fit well and flatter you, I’m sure nobody would guess you’re a size 16. (And sizes are just numbers. I’m only 8 pounds above where I was pre-pregnancy and I’m still two sizes up. Who cares as long as it fits?)

  9. The OP Says:
    June 3rd, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    I’d completely forgotten I’d entered this and decided to see if it was posted. I am touched by the people who think I look good and, thank you.

    To add and to clarify, I exercise daily, have started using Weight Watcher’s point system, and walk pulling a double stroller almost daily, as well as wear my baby whenever we go out. I’ve lost five pounds and look exactly the same.

    It’s not about having a perfect body. I never had a perfect body, I had stretch marks before I had kids and I wouldn’t dare step foot in public in a bikini. It’s just how bad I feel about myself, one breast grew a full size larger than the other and they hang waaaay lower than where they used to even a few years ago. My hips spread and my waist disappeared. I can’t wear a skirt on a hot day without my thighs rubbing together to the point that it’s painful. I had my first at 18 and feeling the way I did about my body then, I would have been horrified at myself now. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, but they’ve destroyed my body.

  10. Andrea Says:
    June 8th, 2010 at 3:14 am

    I understand exactly what you’re saying!! So don’t feel guilty about speaking what’s on your heart. Losing the weight will make a big difference. I used to weigh 223 about 9 years ago and now weigh 165… and I can’t believe the difference in how I look (to myself) and feel. I’d like to get down to 155 but I don’t know if that will ever happen… I’m going to be 54 years old pretty soon. :) But anyway… just wanted to give you a thumbs up and tell you I understand.

  11. Heidi Says:
    June 8th, 2010 at 11:56 pm

    Firt of all you look great. I do understand how you feel though, I got married at 18 and was pregnant 6 mounths later. I think I started sliping in and out of depresion half way though my pregnancy and when I had a very crabby little baby things just got worse, then 8 mounths later I found out I was pregnant again; to make a long story short I now have two girls and am 2 1/2 years pp and weigh about the same as I did 9 months pregnant with my youngest(175) and 50 lbs heavier than when I started (I was 18 and am now 23). recently I went to a chiropractor that also works with your nutrition, turns out I am severly low on vit D and this can make you feel (to name a few) depressed,slow, sore, moody, gain weight, have trouble loosing weight , and much more, also my gall bladder is not working properly and the syptomes are also simalar. what I am trying to say is that there are so many things that can affect how you feel, dont give up trying to find what it is that is keeping you down, I feel so much better, Iam starting to like myself something that has never happend before.

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