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The Ugly Side of the Bump (Julie DeCoria)

May 29, 2009

Originally posted here at Julie’s blog.

I’m a female. And so are you. This being said, we are instant unity in numerous issues: dieting, love, life, voting, shoes, and pregnancy. So, I feel I can say this and you all won’t judge…..

What the crap, Pregnancy?

Maybe, I’m just hormonal today, maybe the Prego Fairy just smacked me a bit hard with her “fat” stick, I don’t know…either way, I’m having a few issues today and I have a bone to pick with her.

I think, like many women, I was a bit disillusioned by the thoughts of pregnancy before I was actually pregnant. Don’t misunderstand, I am eternally grateful for this whole experience (especially since we had been told this was unlikely to happen, at all) and I am more than willing to make sacrifices for my family. Totally. I think I was just misinformed. No one really talks about the ugly side of the bump.

I have no clue how many blogs I have read (and written, for that matter) about the magical awesomeness that is pregnancy. To be fair, it has its amazing, tender moments. To be fairer, it has twice as many cruel ones that really, you have to laugh at. Otherwise, you cry. Lately, I tend to do both.

For example…..

A few weeks ago, while visiting the Mr. in Wyoming, we made a day trip to Jackson Hole for a little “us” time. While there, I experienced my most embarrassing moment during my pregnancy, possibly during my life. We meandered into a museum and leisurely strolling through the various exhibits and chit chatting about various pieces. Now, I should probably mention I was suffering through some fairly severe allergies and was having massive difficulty controlling my endless sneezing. While the Mr. was describing this thing or that (I can’t remember which) I felt what can only be described as an “uber-sneeze” begin to work its way through my sinuses and to my nose. I should probably also mention that I had also lost control over other bodily functions a few weeks prior, and was rarely given warning as to when one of those attacks might rear their ugly heads. (Oh, yes…THOSE.) So, unable to control my body at all, I emitted explosion sounds…from both ends of my body. Yep. I let one rip in public. The Mr. was nothing if not horrified and completely stunned. He just stared at me, mouth hanging open, unable to speak for about 20 seconds before he just backed out of the room. All the while, I could do nothing but clutch my belly and laugh hysterically.

Then there are nights like last night. I am just over 6 feet tall. My weight will never be a dainty number, nor will I ever be a dainty woman. I had hoped that when I got pregnant I would be one of the “lucky” women who got the basketball bump because I have been so vertically blessed. Much to my dismay this is not so.

I used to be a fairly sizable girl, if you will, and the fat girl inside me still whispers mean things in my ear whenever my weight fluctuates a little bit. About 2 months ago, as the numbers on the scale were creeping up rapidly despite my best efforts of keep them down, I became totally and completely discouraged and vowed to avoid the scale for the rest of my pregnancy, even turning around at the doctor’s office so I didn’t have to know the number. Somehow it’s ok for my doctor to know the number, but just not me. The numbers on the scale began to resemble those of NFL linebackers, you know, the big ugly, meaty kind. Can’t even go there. But last night, curiosity killed the cat and I dragged the scale out from behind the toilet and gingerly stepped on it….only to look down at the number and have it reduce me to tears… a sniveling, weeping, sobbing mess. Just reliving it in my head makes me well up all over again.

Darn hormones.

I have a temper like you wouldn’t believe, and it strikes for no apparent reason. My normally mild self is ready to fly off the handle for any given reason and my irritation tolerance is almost none-existent. I often find myself thinking, “Were you always this irritating?” about people whom pre-pregnancy I both loved and adored. Luckily, I’m still passive enough that most of my insults are merely smattering around my mind and not (always) coming out my mouth. If people could only hear the things I am screaming at them in my head I assure you they would have never been more offended.

I have never been less physically appealing in my life and it discourages me to no end, and it’s only going to get worse. I fear I will never gain control over my bodily functions again and my husband will wonder what kind of girl he married. I swear I’m still feminine…somewhere on the inside. I think.

There are sooo two sides of the bump. The loveliness, the tender moments, belly kisses, kicking, belly pictures, anticipation, where I become all a titter with excitement and anticipation, the side my heart resides on more often than not I do, I love it. But the other side, the ugly side, the disgusting side…really, not so much. I’m definitely living on the ugly side of the bump today.

So, like I said. What the crap, Pregnancy?

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8 Responses to “The Ugly Side of the Bump (Julie DeCoria)”

  1. Cierra Says:
    May 29th, 2009 at 9:20 am

    Yeah really, what the crap?! haha.

    My boyfriend found it completely histerical when every time I’d sneeze I’d pee myself. And I was hospitalized because of my allergies during my pregnancy and was reduced to carrying around an inhaler.

    It was complete crap. So not only did I have to get rid of my pets because my allergies but THEN just going outside or near something dusty I’d sneeze and inevitably have to go get changed.

    One of the last times I did it trying to get into the car, and he just stared at me like the light finally clicked. I kept waiting for him to second guess our decision, and he just smiled and told me to hurry up and change.

    Men, pfft. Sometimes I think pregnancy is better then them. <3

  2. Mary Says:
    May 29th, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    You are so funny! I have to say, while pregnant with my first (at about 37 weeks) my husband and I were at home depot and we got hot dogs before we went inside… I had onions on mine and being the fat preggo I inhaled it, literally. Choking on a piece of onion, I gasped and laughed so hard I peed myself and my husband calmly walked on (once he realized I wasnt going to die) and pretended not to know me. But at least I can look back on it and laugh! You will not look back on all the horrible trials and tribulations once your pregnancy is over and cringe as much, you will have new ones (diaper explosions, projectile vomit, ect) to clear your mind! Keep your head up! I was just talking to my girlfriend this morning, who is 7 months and her belly is barely past her breasts (she claims she is huge) and it made me laugh when I recalled my preggo body, it seemed my butt grew and stuck out at the same rate as my belly, natures way of keeping the tall and clumsy in balance Im sure! Take Care!

  3. Lela Says:
    May 29th, 2009 at 4:34 pm

    I just loved your post. Your writing is so funny and so honest.

    Pregnancy is no walk in the park. That’s for sure.

    I hope we here more from yoU!

  4. Nina Says:
    May 30th, 2009 at 8:25 am

    you’re so funny!!!

  5. Rachel Says:
    May 30th, 2009 at 9:13 pm

    Fart, guys? Pee? IS THAT IT?
    Honey, I POOP. It’s a little thing called Irritable Bowel. Pregnancy gave it to me. Came along with hyperthyroid. I am a dental assistant. I have my rear end near my patient’s heads, EVERY DAY, and during pregnancy, they weren’t always silent, almost always deadly. I never claimed them.
    I’m sorry to say, I have little sympathy for you.
    On the up-note, if you do your kegals, the peeing your pants problem should go away with time. SQUEEZE, girls!

  6. Kim Says:
    May 31st, 2009 at 9:14 am

    I had bladder control issues before the pregnancy (I’m an older mom.) If you think sneezing is bad, you shold have seen what happened to me when I threw up, which I did frequently throughout my pregnancy. I kept an extra pair of pants at work.
    And the belching, good grief. There was no containing them. I let one rip in a hotel shuttle- no one else to blame it on, and I think I traumatized the poor kid driving.

  7. Catherine S Says:
    May 31st, 2009 at 10:08 am

    Ha, ha!!! Pregnancy is NOT for the faint of heart!! The esacpe of air, liquids, and other even less appealing substances out of every hole is a fairly common experience.

    Mine came when I was 18 weeks pregnant amd stuck in atrocious Atlanta traffic on my way to a CLIENT APPOINTMENT. Started getting unmistakable stomach cramping and cold sweats of the “irritable bowel.” No where to pull over, not even some bushes, had to put a shopping bag under the bum and just let things happen. Had to call my client, my office and made up some “morning sickness” story. Also, had to go home and change clothes, clean out the car, etc. I was and still am so grateful that my husband was not working from home that morning!!! Have never and probably never will tell him about that one. I am thinking that a little mystery in the relationship is a good thing:)

    Other less humilating things happened later in the pregnancy, but they all kindof paled in comparison. Long story short, you have my symmpathies!!!

    Ah pregnancy, I do love you so….

  8. taiyo Says:
    May 31st, 2009 at 9:12 pm

    Your story really cracked me up. Thanks for your humour– we all need it!!! Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy and the baby. I found pregnancy no walk in the park, either, and I’m about to embark on a second one. Hopefully the “Prego Fairy” will treat me kindly! Thanks for the laughs.

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