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The Shape of A Birthmother (Anonymous)

March 11, 2010

20 yrs. old
1st Pregnancy, 8 months pregnant

I woke up one morning in July expecting to start my period. When I went to the bathroom and hadn’t started, I didn’t think anything of it because I am not typically regular. As the day went on with no signs of it starting, I began to worry. I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was pregnant but disregarded it and went about my day. As the weeks went on I began to worry and wonder what to do. While I have always been pro-choice on the matter of abortion, I knew it was not the path I wanted to take. My boyfriend and I had not spoken in weeks and he didn’t know what was going on. I called him one morning to tell him and he just told me to stop worrying and that I wasn’t pregnant. While I knew my own body and knew something wasn’t right, I went on with my life ignoring the morning sickness, the swelling breasts covered in stretch marks, the mood swings, and pretended that I wasn’t pregnant. As the months went by, my belly started getting hard, round and hard. I was only 95 lbs to begin with and never gained weight so I knew this was it. I had to face the fact that I was pregnant. After accepting it, I called my now ex-boyfriend again. He did not work or have a job so I knew I didn’t want to keep a baby and have him in my life, that is when I began looking into adoption. During this time, I didn’t tell anyone, not my family (who I still live with) not my friends. No one knew. I was carrying around the burden alone and scared. Luckily, because I was so small to begin with I was able to wear loose clothes with no one suspecting anything. I continued going to school and working full time. I tried to stay busy to keep my mind off of everything that was going on. On Christmas Eve, I contacted an adoption agency to explain my situation. I wanted to make sure I had everything figured out before I told my family. Unfortunately, I did not get things figured out in time. On New Years day my mother looked at me and asked when I gained weight in my belly, I told her I had not worked out lately. I knew she knew, the way she looked at me for the rest of the day I could see it in her eyes. Two days later she asked me. I cried and told her, she cried and held me and asked why I had kept it from her for so long. She wasn’t angry, she was sad and hurt for me. I hadn’t told her because I didn’t want to disappoint her or my father. The days that followed were the worst days of my life. My dad was disappointed, my mom was sad, my brother was angry and my sister was scared. I went to the doctor for the first time a few days later. It turned out that I was 28 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl. I could not believe that I had gone 28 weeks without telling anyone. I worked and went to school and even made the Dean’s List. My parents felt so horrible because they didn’t notice, and because they didn’t help me. My dad told me that if I went through all that time alone, then I can do anything and that I’m stronger than I realize. I think he was right. Looking back on those 28 weeks I don’t know how I did it. How I got through them. But I did. I was so grateful that she was healthy and she was the right size, but still I knew I could not keep her. I did not feel a connection with the baby, I knew there are so many people out there who would give anything to be in my position. After weeks and weeks of crying with my family, I knew what I had to do. I contacted the adoption agency again and met with a family who I think is perfect to raise my little girl. As of now, I still haven’t told anyone. The only people who know are my family and the baby’s father. I don’t know if I will ever tell anyone, or if I will after I have the baby. She is due in a month and a half, and I wonder if a birthmother’s body will look the same as a mother’s body postpregnancy…

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19 Responses to “The Shape of A Birthmother (Anonymous)”

  1. Stephanie Says:
    March 11th, 2010 at 10:59 am

    That must be so hard. You are an amazing, strong and truly selfless birthmother, you are doing the right thing for that baby girl. She will be so loved, because you gave her the opportunity to be.
    You don’t have to tell anyone if that’s not what you want to do, but remember that sharing can be a very healing process.
    Love and hugs… you will make it through this!

  2. A.C. Says:
    March 11th, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    thanks for sharing this! You are a strong woman, and very bold to give Your daughter a great chance at life. Stay strong!
    …as an adoptee, I’ve wondered if my birthmother ever sees any stretch marks or other reminds of pregnancy and thinks of me..

  3. Steve Says:
    March 11th, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    This a huge decision to make,please for the sake of all concerned including the baby in the future,ask every question you can, including the one’s you think are silly,silly questions can stop silly mistakes. If you decide to adopt out, see if you can keep a contact somehow, humans are curious by nature, you will want to know how things are going. All the very best in the future, Blessings, Steve

  4. Erin Says:
    March 11th, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    What a touching and tragic story. Its sad that you went through all of that time scared and alone. You are blessing this family with an amazing gift. Stay strong, and take care of yourself.

  5. Angele Says:
    March 11th, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    You are a mother regardless hun!! You are growing a healthy baby girl! You are so strong and amazing!! I wish you the best of luck !! Please come back and update us after the birth!

  6. Shan Says:
    March 12th, 2010 at 6:06 pm

    I cannot imagine what it must have been like in your mind. Your father is right. You can get through anything, even this. And though you might want to put it out of your head once the baby is with her new family, I hope you remind yourself of your strength as you work through other tough parts in life. My first labor and delivery is what gets me through everything else (“if I can to *that* I can surely do *this*).
    You have my utmost respect.

  7. Krystle Says:
    March 12th, 2010 at 6:42 pm

    I want to commend you on whatever decision you decide to go with. Your body is going to be a constant reminder of your child & what you did for her to give her a better life. There is nothing wrong with that. Giving up your baby for an adoption is one of the most selfless things that one can do. Just know, that you also have the strength to raise your baby, if you choose to do so.

  8. Michelle Says:
    March 13th, 2010 at 7:17 am

    You may not “feel” a connection now but before you give your baby away (and you dont have to) make sure you really want to.

  9. Michelle Says:
    March 13th, 2010 at 7:18 am

    your baby feels you you are her mummy, and always will be

  10. Alicia Says:
    March 13th, 2010 at 9:54 am

    You are strong. Do whatever you think is right.
    I hid my pregnancy from my parents for about 20 weeks so I know how you feel. When they found out all hell broke loose. Just know that things will eventually get better, or at the very least, easier.

  11. Beth S brock Says:
    March 14th, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    Please think about this, ask other FirstMothers,Know the facts. “Open” adoption are not legally enforceable in a court of a law. 80% will close. You and your daughter will both have life long effects from this. Please read the posts on You know you are a FirstMother and You Know You are an Adoptee on facebook. They will give you a good , honest look on the minds of both. This is a Permanent solution , to a Temporary problem.So many younf mothers do this, only to regret it. And this can NOT be undone!!! Please e-mail me. I am here for you :) )I have been through this with many others. You are not alone <3

  12. Kalista Says:
    March 14th, 2010 at 8:36 pm

    I do understand some of what you are going through. I had a baby a year and a half ago that I chose to have adopted. It was a great experience and a decision that I have NEVER questioned even now, 1.5 years after. Here’s a link to my post if you want to check it out: http://theshapeofamother.com/blog/looking-on-the-positive-side-kalista/

    If you have any questions or want to talk to someone who’s gone through the adoption process I would be more than happy to talk with you. it’s best to contact me on facebook, here’s a link to my page: http://www.facebook.com/#!/kalistalinnel?ref=profile

    I also wrote a note about the adoption experience for me and my personal feelings about it if you want to check that out: http://www.facebook.com/notes/kalista-shult/i-need-to-get-something-off-my-chest-or-uterus/146288479603

    I apologize for all the links, but i do know that it’s hard for people to understand what it’s like choosing adoption. A lot of people tried to talk me out of it and i didn’t tell my mom I was pregnant until AFTER i had had the baby because I knew she wouldn’t be supportive. You should be proud of your decision and just know that even if it takes a while to recover, it’s worth it. :)

  13. Lisa Says:
    March 14th, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    Your story sounds so much like mine… 11 years ago. If you want to talk to someone who has been in exactly your shoes, please feel free to email me. lisafdoula@yahoo.com

  14. Melissa Mullins Says:
    March 14th, 2010 at 10:32 pm

    Please think about this. I am reading so many posting that you are doing the right thing and being an adoptee myself and the issues I have to deal with are very hard. I am a search angel for Texas and I will tell you that I have come across more female adoptees with identity issues, relationship issues and many other issues through their lives, as there are for male adoptee’s too. I can put in touch with so many birthmothers right now if you will just give me the chance please? Please email me at melmullins68@aol.com or I have a group on facebook….Adoption-Adoptees and Birthmothers Search & Reunion. I really would hate for you to have to go through the same things that these birthmothers have went through and/or your child. There is nothing like having your identity…looking like the rest of your family, never feeling like an outcast around the biological family or always wondering why. Hope to hear from you soon and anyone else that would like to talk. Also, I know Beth Brock, please listen to her, she is a birthmother and going through this.

  15. Jo Ann Says:
    March 15th, 2010 at 4:47 am

    Hi sweet girl. I was pregnant just a few years older than you about 25 years ago. I too gave my child up for adoption and chose the parents. It is good that you get to meet them so you know that she is well cared for and loved. I did not tell anyone either and actually moved to another state so my family never knew. God was with me and helped me through it. You have to do what your heart tells you to do. My daughter has a wonderful family and has had a great life. I did write a letter to her while I was in the hospital with her for when she was older so that she knew it was out of my love for her that I chose to give her up. I could not afford to keep her either. I would have had to work two jobs and there would have been no one to care for her. I wanted her to have so much more. I also gave her parents some pictures of me as a child, etc. so she would have those. I invite her to stay in touch with me if that is what she wishes. It will be a painful experience for you and I don’t mean the delivery, but you will work through it. Please make sure you get counseling right away. Hopefully, the parents will allow you to keep in contact and send pictures, mine did for me. You have to do what is best for you. Only you know that. My heart goes out to you.

  16. JennyG Says:
    March 16th, 2010 at 5:11 pm

    Hello there, please wait until after your baby is born to make any type of decision, you have the right , please try to parent before you make any decision, your question was if a birthmothers body will look like a mothers body postpartom, my answer is yes and also there is no difference between a birthmother and mother, you sweety are a mother.
    The other women telling you to really think and not make a decision now , know what they’re talking about, I too was there 22 years ago made promises of open adoption etc, and guess what they were all lies,many not all will slam that door shut once the adoption is finalized many prospective adopters you’ll notice they will tell you what a selfless person you are etc, I promise you though if reunion should ever occur (which many do not) but it is always a hope and the only thing that sometimes gets a birthmother through, the adopters then say how the birthmother is a home wrecker, who does she think she is she gave up her rights to the baby, they say very horrible things not all but most, they DO NOT truly respect a woman that could give something so precious(and they know how precious a baby is)up, that is generally the talk behind closed doors please be aware of that, you may listen to we are saying and question the adoption agency , they will tell you that people are just trying to scare you( which is a bold lie) be wise listen to the women who have been where you’re at, and never ever should you be called a birthmother while pregnant, that is coercive also meeting with the prospective adopters is coercive, you seem like a very smart woman don’t let yourself be coerced any longer, and remember you DO NOT OWE the prospective adopters you met with already anything! It’s scary to have an unplanned pregnancy and your 28 weeks of denial im willing to bet is part of the reason you feel no connection, it’s not easy to be a mother but the consequences of giving your baby up or far more damaging, please do a lot more research on the effects this will have on your baby and you

  17. Anonymous Says:
    March 17th, 2010 at 8:26 am

    Thank you so much everyone the support! I met with the adoptive family about a month ago, they have an adoptive daughter and frequently visit with her mother and have a relationship with her, so I don’t feel like they would shut me out. Thank you for all the love, everyone! The baby is due any day now…I will send in pictures after the baby! xoxoxo

  18. Melanie Morales Says:
    March 17th, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    I am a birth mother. I placed when I was 21. It was a closed adoption – so different from yours. There are open adoptions that work out. There are those that do not. Laws always fall on the side of the adoptive family – as soon as you sign relinquishment papers – you have no rights no matter what the family or adoption agency tells you. Just keep that in mind. I’ve researched adoption and interviewed birth moms and adoptees for over 20 years. (My son is 19 and I am also an adoptee.) I’ve heard every scenario just about that there can be. I know that if you place for adoption – you have to have faith that you are placing your child in the hands of God instead of an agency or adoptive parents.

    Celebrate the birth. Get pictures. Journal your experience. One thing I learned from my experience is not to tell someone else what to do – just encourage them to get all the info to make the best decision for them.

    Your daughter will have a great life no matter what choice you make at this point. So, it’s not just if you place her for adoption. It may look different depending on scenario (adoption, single parenting, marriage, etc) but in life there are no guarantees no matter which way you go. I know if I had to do it over, I would have made a different choice. (I was 21 when I got pregnant.)

    I wish you the best. I’ve been where you are at – feel free to contact me if you wish.

  19. Nicole G Says:
    November 6th, 2010 at 2:34 am

    Looking at the dates you’ve had your daughter by now,I just wanted to say that not everyones story has a bad ending:-) I turned 18 a week before I had my baby girl it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life and I went through years of hell always wondering what she was like I can honestly say not 1 day went by when I didn’t think of her!!!Now 20 years later we have reunited and she is an amazing beautiful person inside and out she looks like me talks like me and we even have the same laugh:-)I’ve just made plans to meet her parents in 2 weeks and we are all very excited!!!!Just know that there are happy endings too!!!!Hope everthing has worked out for you!!!:-)If you ever want to talk I’m here helps to know your not alone!!!Wish there would have been more sites when I made my decision:-)Take Care of your self XOXO
    njgoossen@msn.com

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