Pregnancies: 2 Births: 1 boy, now two years old.
Well, the past year has been a year of serious soul searching for me. I went from being a stay at home mom to being a full time college student AND working on top of it. We have been trying to get pregnant for the last year, which hasn’t worked out. I was on Depo so long it’s taken my system over a year to start working at all. Only recently have I started ovulating, we are still trying for our second child. The huge change in my lifestyle has had a huge impact on my body. I lost most of the baby weight. I’m 135 now, I was 120 before I got pregnant, and My son is almost two and a half now. I’m thinner, but I also look and feel older, also. I can see it in my face, in my posture, I’m so tired. I do personally feel better for having lost the weight, simply because my size was part of my personal identity. I gained 70 pounds during my pregnancy. I am not exaggerating, I went from 120 to 190. I lost 30 pounds the first 6 months, the stopped, for a year. I GAINED over 10 pounds (again) when I finished breastfeeding. I was 60 pounds heavier than my norm. I was used to being thin, and when my body type changed so dramatically so quickly, I felt like you do right after you get a really dramatic hair cut. Your not sure if your fond of it, you learn to love it because hey, until it grows back your stuck with it, but it doesn’t feel like YOU. You know? I was proud of my body for the miracle it gave, I still am, but I felt like I wasn’t in my own skin.
Anyways I lost the weight kinda by accident, because I became SOOO BUSY. Work then class then trying to find time with my toddler between mountains of homework then back to work again! I have a 3.9 GPA, I bust my ASS to get good grades in college. I’m constantly GOgoGOgoGo all the time. I’m quitting my job. I already talked to my boss about it. I’ll still be going to school full time, I’m halfway to my degree now.
Anyways, my body image took a huge blow when I found out over the holidays that my husband had an affair.
For over a year.
With my friend.
It started two weeks after my son was born.
I was devastated. Who am I kidding, I’m still devastated. I am dealing with a lot of aftershock issues upon discovery of the affair. I have never been in any serious relationship that I didn’t get cheated on. I now have some major trust issues: It went on for over a year without me knowing because I trusted him implicitly. However, I have no illusions about her being more attractive than I am. I am not conceded, but I’m not ignorant either. That monster is NOT attractive- she’s got a face for radio and a personality to match. She is stupid, selfish trailor trash, flat out. She is not smart, she is not kind, she is not talented, she is an awful parent, I KNOW I didnt get passed over for someone better. Men do NOT upgrade when they cheat, ladies.
We are still together. I decided not to throw his ass to the curb for a lot of reasons. The big one was that wasn’t what I WANTED. When it comes down to it, I have goals and dreams, and all of them have him in it. I want to have more children with him. I want to grow old with him. I want us to buy a home someday. I want my children to be raised with both parents in the same house. I WANT things. Yes, I could leave him. I’d be alone for a while, but I know eventually I would move on. Eventually I would probably find someone new, who I would love, but never in the same way, and we could have children someday, but that not what I WANT. He is still my highschool sweetheart. My BEST FRIEND. I may have learned that I don’t know him like I thought I did, (trust me ladies, I was completely 100% sure he would never, ever cheat. NO ONE is immune to infidelity.) But he is still my BEST friend. When I made MY wedding vows, I meant them. So we had a vow renewal thing on our anniversary, he is still jumping through hoops to make things better for me, we got matching tattoo’s, and life moves on.
One of the big blows was that it started TWO WEEKS after I gave birth to our son. When I was bloated, exhausted, and physically incapable of having sex with him. Of course HER at the time was half my size, and made herself incredibly available to him sexually. The affair stopped around the time I started losing baby weight. This had never occured to him. He swears it is just a coincidence, that none of that had ANYTHING to do with the affair. (he was never the shallow type)
but deep, deep down, that will always be in the back of my mind.
Deep down, I will always wonder if he didn’t go with the slutty blonde that was half my size because of how I looked at the time.
Thats very hard to say out loud.
I am still trying to cope with that. I’m so confused. Deep down, I’m afraid that if I have another baby it will happen again. But my biological clock is ticking like big ben, I WANT another baby, so so desperately! We have been trying for over a year now! obviously, the whole issue is way too complicated to gush out on here, as long as this ALREADY is. I just needed to Post these pictures, and say to the world: I am strong. I am a conqueror. I will not be destroyed.
The first pic is me NOW.
the second pic is me now and my two year old.
The third pic is me roughly a year postpartum.
The fourth is one of my tattoo’s: the tree of life. Symbolizing fertility, renewal and creation.