The Life of My Belly (Anonymous)

I’m 31 and have had 2 abortions and 1 miscarriage – no children. All years apart and all for the best…. and still I find myself looking at my belly, that carried the life I was expecting to meet, someone I already loved. I wonder if it’s strange that it’s two years later, and I am still the same size and shape I was when I was pregnant. I know there is a part of me who is waiting to meet my baby, I also know there is no baby to meet. We were engaged… almost.. I said yes, but didn’t want to make it official until I met his parents… we were planning the trip… and a few months later – pregnant. I was excited, felt lucky, felt loved… then, he cheated on me… things unraveled and I had a miscarriage… it was an abrupt end to so many things…

I know now like I didn’t know before that I want to be a mother. And in the process of deep grieving and now deep healing, I know my soul better than I did 2 years ago, or rather I listen to my soul and respect my emotions more than I did. The ways I changed in looking forward to being a mother stayed with me, and I found with in me a mother’s voice and mother’s heart…. comforting, soothing, and nurturing all the wounded and neglect parts of myself. I used to think the goal was to lose the belly… the 25 pounds.. and I would know that part of me didn’t want to, because part of me was still wanting to grow, for this life I loved to grow… and when the belly was gone I would know it was all over…

Still ‘chubby’… still carrying my belly… I see all the things that grew in me when life stopped – a deeper self acceptance… speak softly to myself… reflect kindly… meditate earnestly… love deeper…

I turned 31 and suddenly noticed this “mother consciousness” and realized that this was a gift for me… a strong and comforting voice that has been growing in me. That will be with me, even if I lose this belly.