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Not Myself Anymore (Morgan)

March 2, 2011

Age:18
No. Of Pregnancies and Births: 1
8 Months PP

No one realises how hard it is to be a mom. I’ve had so many friends say to me, “I want a baby so bad, you must be so happy!” But it’s not like that. I got pregnant to my ex after one week of being together. Even worse, we had only known each other for two weeks. I know it sounds bad, but I was in a bad stage and where I live, this is considered ‘normal’. Anyway, I got pregnant at 17 years old. When we found out, everyone was so happy. Mum, dad and especially the father. We thought we had our perfect family. I dropped out of my last year at school and moved to live 30 minutes away with my then boyfriend. We were only together three months when the problems started.

First of all, let me say that the dad isn’t a bad guy at all. Just young and confused. He struggled with losing his friends and social life more than I did. He started taking it out on me. He was never physical, but the emotional bruises stood out. My closest friend noticed how down I was but my family didn’t. He texted my friends flirting and compulsively lied to me. I felt wortless and out of control with sadness. I felt like there was no way out and I cried in the bathroom at nights. My iron levels dropped astronomically and I couldn’t do anything remotely difficult. I couldn’t sleep at night, was sensitive to light, got urine infections constantly and could barely move during the day. I was physically and emotionally drained and my ex and I became vile to each other. We screamed at each other and broke down constantly. He was overworked and I was shattered from all the problems. Most nights we only cuddled to feel comfort but neither of us were happy. It had to end.

I went in to labour with my son on his due date of 30th of May, 2010. He was born naturally…an amazing birth, 7lb 10oz on 1st June 2010. My 18th birthday was the 16th June. My ex and I had the most amazing, peacefully beautiful first two weeks with our son, but after that…back to normal. When he was one month old, I left his dad and moved back to my home town. I set up a new life for myself, even though deep down I wanted back my family with Bubba and his dad. It’s been 7 months since I left and 4 months ago I started going out with someone I knew from school. I was so happy. He made me comfortable to be myself. He says he doesn’t care what I look like. But it was when I looked around me at all the people I used to be best friends with that I saw how much I changed. One of my old friends told me I was fat and disgusting.

Before my son, I weighed 45kg (99pounds) and was a size 7 (NZ sizes) in shoes and 5ft 3. Now I am still 5ft 3. But I gained 25 kg (55pounds) and went up a shoe size and I hate myself. I also discovered I have depression. It made sense, since I can’t sleep at nights and NOTHING makes me happy. I feel as if the experience I had with my ex and being isolated caused this as I have not been happy since before my pregnancy. Also I feel like i’ve lost myself in a adult world before I was ready to be one. I realise now that most people dont learn they aren’t ready unless they are forced into parenthood.

The night my friend said that, I looked in the mirror and realised I even thought I was ugly. I had been hiding from myself but now it all came to light. The fat thighs, flabby stomach, fat arms and stretch marks were bad enough, but they could be hidden. It was my face I cried about most. It had completely changed and was fat and scarred. I feel as if I am disgusting, I look in the mirror and don’t even see myself anymore. Every part of me has changed, everything. I want to love who I am, but I cant. I feel like i’m dreaming that i’m someone else but it’s more like a never-ending nightmare. I want to change but I can barely afford to live so I cant afford gyms or 3 decent meals a day or anything like that. But I’m trying to cope. Slowly working things out.

The only good thing I have truly and forever is my beautiful boy, who amazes me everyday with how much he learns. He clapped today for the first time. Soon he will crawl. Watching him grow makes me so much happier. He is my only light and I would’ve given in to my sadness if not for him.

Thank You

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10 Responses to “Not Myself Anymore (Morgan)”

  1. k Says:
    March 2nd, 2011 at 7:50 am

    I’m sorry to hear you are feeling so down.. if it’s any consolation, you are very pretty and your son is adorable, like he could be on a baby food commercial adorable :)

    you say that you dont have the money for a gym or eating healthy but if you are committed to changing to a healthy lifestyle, both for your self esteem and mental healths sake and for your son’s sake, you CAN do it. you dont need to join a gym- walking outside pushing your son in the pram is enough. try to walk for an hour a day. you will lose weight and the endorphins will make you feel great. you can do modified pushups and situps at home, even carrying your baby around will help you build muscle!

    as far as healthy eating, a bit of planning is required but it actually can be very cheap. they sell those big bags of rice, beans, lentils, etc and they can last for months.. big bags of oats to make oatmeal… frozen vegetables are cheaper than fresh and are just as nutritious.. cut out (or down) on sugar.. drink lots of water.. its free… if you do some googling, you can find lots of recipes and methods to make healthy nourishing food for relatively little money.

    i wish you all the best and hope you are feeling more of ‘yourself’ soon..

  2. laura-x Says:
    March 2nd, 2011 at 8:04 am

    Hello, dear! Your story has a beautiful hint of hope- you are strong and soon you will start to feel much better. It isn’t so tragic- your youth will work for you, believe me. I’m twice your age, expecting my first, and I admire your courage… All the best to you, charming little lady!

  3. Ripple Says:
    March 2nd, 2011 at 9:24 am

    Hi Morgan,

    Life is not same all the time. Whatever happend to you is really sad but the good thing is your lovely son that god has given to you. A women is conidered complete after birth :) so you are and your life as a women is meant :) dont worry dear your body will not be like this for ever. I am a mother of 1 boy gave birth on Sep 2 2010, have belly fat, my husband dont likes me anymore, we fight every now and then…but still i am happy for my son. i cry but laugh to make him laugh. My baby loves his dad face more than mine…that makes even more sad.

    What I think is you should not loose your hope in life and the friend who told that you r not beautiful anymore..tell her that you are a mother and a mom is beautiful always as she is another form of the GOD who created this world and has no body(physical) still is very very beautiful:)

    Take care.
    Ripple

  4. MM Says:
    March 2nd, 2011 at 10:08 am

    the two of you are so beautiful together :)

  5. amber Says:
    March 2nd, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    dont worry about your body- working out and eating healthy will fix that- you have a beautfiul smooth belly! your son is adorable.. and for the depression just start walking that will help. you are beautifuL!

  6. Amaris Says:
    March 2nd, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    Morgan,

    You are such a beautiful girl. I go to school here in the US and not even a quarter of the young girls here could turn heads like you could. There is seriously absolutely nothing wrong with your face. You are so beautiful. And your body is very nice too. Most girls have stretchmarks somewhere even if they themselves don’t notice, yours are so faint and not noticeable. I have never had a baby and I probably have more marks than you girl! And I am considered physically attractive. Stretchmarks fade and don’t matter at all. I think your body is great! And I am so happy for you, your son is very cute and the both of you just emit this feeling of happiness and faith and hope. Stay strong, and ask your family if they can help you seek treatment for depression. There IS a way to ease depression. I was clinically diagnosed with Unipolar depression and now I am a happy person. It can happen for you too.

    For your friend who told you you were fat and disgusting, that just shows what kind of person she is. She is the ugly one, on the inside, and probably nothing to write home about on the outside either. Being skinny doesn’t make you attractive. There is more to it. , You are beautiful inside and out.

    If you want to maintain a healthy lifestyle you don’t need to be rich. You can do it! The person who commented earlier had some excellent tips for you. You can make it happen. A lot of healthy food is cheap in bulk and walking around the beautiful NZ scenery is tons better than being on a boring treadmill anyway! Remember! You are so beautiful.

  7. tuesy Says:
    March 3rd, 2011 at 9:25 am

    You really are so pretty! And your baby is incredibly cute and looks so happy!

    I agree with the above posters. Take big long walks in the fresh air and drink lots of water. The frozen vegetables is great advice. I usually steam our veggies, then you aren’t losing the nutrients from boiling them.

    You look great, by the way, for 8 months pp. I looked just like you, and eventually it does get better. Brisk walks and healthy eating will do wonders for your body, and even more so for your state of mind.

    Good luck, you’re doing great!

  8. Cobi Says:
    March 22nd, 2011 at 9:50 pm

    Sadly, your pictures remind me how my body used to look like before I was pregnant. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you’re gorgeous and forget your old friends! You see who really is your friend once you’ve been pregnant and went through all of the changes. My son’s smile and constantly learning new things keep me going. You’ll shortly be losing tons chance him around. Hope things get better! good luck.

  9. Heather Says:
    April 1st, 2011 at 8:47 am

    you look great. dont give up on cardio or at least walking. Its great for your heart and I promise the pounds will melt off.
    Dont forget sleep deprivation keeps weight on.
    Keep that depressing feeling far away as much as possible. Smile to smile, even if you dont know why you are smiling. It will catch on for you & next thing you know you are smiling on accident.
    You look amazing, you are so lucky you look so great. Trust me.

  10. Brigid Says:
    May 7th, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    Hi Morgan,

    Wipe the hateful words of that ‘old friend’ out of your mind. She’s in pain and taking it out on you. What she said has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with her and her own suffering. She is suffering so much that she’s overflowing and some of it dripped onto you. Just wipe it off.

    It’s the sadness you’re feeling that is making you feel like you’re not pretty because actually you’re beautiful. You just can’t see it like we can. You’re absolutely beautiful. Inside and out.

    You don’t have to go through the sadness you’re feeling all alone. If I’m not mistaken, NZ has public health care, right? Talk to a doctor or a counselor or someone you trust about how you’re feeling. You’re not supposed to be feeling wonderful with everything you’ve gone through in the last few years. That would be odd, don’t you think? But the sadness doesn’t have to last. There are ways to get out from under it and there are people who have devoted their entire lives to helping others out of depression and sadness. Let them show you the way.

    I just wanted to add that you’re amazing. You left a bad situation on your own and you’re building a new life with a 10 month old baby even though it must be hellishly hard and you’re only 18! I can’t even imagine what kind of intelligence and strength that must take. You’re obviously very well educated by the way you write and the way you express yourself is beautiful. I even cried when I read, “Most nights we only cuddled to feel comfort…” That’s heartbreaking and beautifully expressed.

    You have so much going for you but you probably don’t even realize it. You have wisdom, amazing strength, compassion, intelligence, and a heart full of love. One day you’re going to look back on these years and ask yourself, “How did I ever get through all that? How on earth was I able to DO all that?” I can answer part of that question for you. You’re doing it all for your baby. Just like a good mother does. And above all else, that’s what you are; a good mother.

    You’re beautiful and deep down inside you know it. I hope with all my heart that some day soon you’ll be able to feel it. Love yourself. There is no one on this earth who is more worthy of it.

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