No. Of Pregnancies and Births: 1
8 Months PP
No one realises how hard it is to be a mom. I’ve had so many friends say to me, “I want a baby so bad, you must be so happy!” But it’s not like that. I got pregnant to my ex after one week of being together. Even worse, we had only known each other for two weeks. I know it sounds bad, but I was in a bad stage and where I live, this is considered ‘normal’. Anyway, I got pregnant at 17 years old. When we found out, everyone was so happy. Mum, dad and especially the father. We thought we had our perfect family. I dropped out of my last year at school and moved to live 30 minutes away with my then boyfriend. We were only together three months when the problems started.
First of all, let me say that the dad isn’t a bad guy at all. Just young and confused. He struggled with losing his friends and social life more than I did. He started taking it out on me. He was never physical, but the emotional bruises stood out. My closest friend noticed how down I was but my family didn’t. He texted my friends flirting and compulsively lied to me. I felt wortless and out of control with sadness. I felt like there was no way out and I cried in the bathroom at nights. My iron levels dropped astronomically and I couldn’t do anything remotely difficult. I couldn’t sleep at night, was sensitive to light, got urine infections constantly and could barely move during the day. I was physically and emotionally drained and my ex and I became vile to each other. We screamed at each other and broke down constantly. He was overworked and I was shattered from all the problems. Most nights we only cuddled to feel comfort but neither of us were happy. It had to end.
I went in to labour with my son on his due date of 30th of May, 2010. He was born naturally…an amazing birth, 7lb 10oz on 1st June 2010. My 18th birthday was the 16th June. My ex and I had the most amazing, peacefully beautiful first two weeks with our son, but after that…back to normal. When he was one month old, I left his dad and moved back to my home town. I set up a new life for myself, even though deep down I wanted back my family with Bubba and his dad. It’s been 7 months since I left and 4 months ago I started going out with someone I knew from school. I was so happy. He made me comfortable to be myself. He says he doesn’t care what I look like. But it was when I looked around me at all the people I used to be best friends with that I saw how much I changed. One of my old friends told me I was fat and disgusting.
Before my son, I weighed 45kg (99pounds) and was a size 7 (NZ sizes) in shoes and 5ft 3. Now I am still 5ft 3. But I gained 25 kg (55pounds) and went up a shoe size and I hate myself. I also discovered I have depression. It made sense, since I can’t sleep at nights and NOTHING makes me happy. I feel as if the experience I had with my ex and being isolated caused this as I have not been happy since before my pregnancy. Also I feel like i’ve lost myself in a adult world before I was ready to be one. I realise now that most people dont learn they aren’t ready unless they are forced into parenthood.
The night my friend said that, I looked in the mirror and realised I even thought I was ugly. I had been hiding from myself but now it all came to light. The fat thighs, flabby stomach, fat arms and stretch marks were bad enough, but they could be hidden. It was my face I cried about most. It had completely changed and was fat and scarred. I feel as if I am disgusting, I look in the mirror and don’t even see myself anymore. Every part of me has changed, everything. I want to love who I am, but I cant. I feel like i’m dreaming that i’m someone else but it’s more like a never-ending nightmare. I want to change but I can barely afford to live so I cant afford gyms or 3 decent meals a day or anything like that. But I’m trying to cope. Slowly working things out.
The only good thing I have truly and forever is my beautiful boy, who amazes me everyday with how much he learns. He clapped today for the first time. Soon he will crawl. Watching him grow makes me so much happier. He is my only light and I would’ve given in to my sadness if not for him.