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My body was ruined and I’m left with nothing. (Anonymous)

I have a child and yet I have never heard her cry. Pregnancy dosnt mean new life to me, I lost all happieness and innocence that I ever had. I’m 23 years old, weigh 143 pounds and have an angel instead of a child… I was happy with my prebaby body, 120 pounds, 5’2″, adequate chest, perky butt and a flat tummy. I was thrilled to be pregnant but the entire pregnancy I fought with the scale. I knew being pregnant I would gain weight but that still didn’t make it easier to watch the numbers climb every week. I remember the first time none of my clothes fit. We had dinner plans with friends and I literally destroyed my closet looking for something presentable to wear. I ended up crying on the floor and canceling my plans. It sucked. The rest of the pregnancy I wore my husbands shirts and sweatpants. And then the first stretch mark showed up and I slathered on every kind of coco butter and lotions I could find. Then the next day another popped up. And another. And another….no matter what I did I could not control the dark purple vertical infection that was taking over my breasts, tummy and sides. I made peace with myself at about 8 months that it all was going to happen wether I liked it or not. That when I had the baby I would breast feed, go on walks with the baby sleeping in the stroller, that I would exercise and I would loose the weight in no time. Then I went into labor. We had our bags packed and car seat in the car ready to go a month before hand. All that was left to do was spot clean her room to be sure it was absolutely perfect. One could say it was fit for an angel. Then the supposed to be best day of my life turned into the worst. At 41 weeks my baby lost her life, the doctors could not find her heartbeat. So in the end not only did my body become something I hate to look at, but something I hate to be in. It betrayed me. Women are meant to make babies, but my baby was killed by my own body. To go home still swollen and with a body of a new mother but empty handed is the worst feeling ever. It has been just over a year since I planned my babies funeral and although I still hate my body for killing my baby girl, I can’t help but embrace my mommy body. It’s my physical proof that I am a mother. That my baby DID exist. And each mark is because she grew, she kicked, she wiggled and turned. It was her only home, how can I hate it entirely?

in Child Loss, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions
11 comments… add one
  • Angela Wednesday, September 10, 2014, 9:14 am

    I’m deeply sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story and your feelings of grief, betrayal, anger, and the conflict between hating and embracing your mommy body. Sending you love and support

  • Thari Wednesday, September 10, 2014, 10:01 am

    I can not imagine the pain you felt and still feel, and I hope I never will. Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope that one day you will be blessed again and are able to tell about your little angel.

  • Lucy Wednesday, September 10, 2014, 10:23 am

    Just heartbreaking and so beautifully written.
    You are not alone in feeling this way. Thank you for sharing and sending you much love from one wounded heart to another. X

  • Laura Wednesday, September 10, 2014, 12:40 pm

    You are definitely a mother. From the day you started making decisions for the good of your baby. I am so sorry that you did not get to spend the rest of your life with your little angel. I was also 23 when. I had my first child and I know how hard it is to accept the changes to your body. I hope that you can find a way to look at what you are now and know that you did this for your angel. You made the ultimate sacrifice to grow that life inside of you and accept the scars it has left behind. You are definitely a mother and worthy of everything that goes along with it.

  • Christina Wednesday, September 10, 2014, 3:00 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    I too fought with the scale and still do. Pregnancy changes us in a way we can often find hard to accept. I am 2 years post pregnancy and still have difficulty with my new landscape.

    I cannot say that I know how you feel because that would be a lie and invalidate your feelings. I can say that I have had a small taste. Last year I had emergency surgery due to an ectopic pregnancy that nearly killed me. I have a huge scar, a body that is damaged, and psychological scars that I am still working through.

    I am sending you love, and hugs, and so many well wishes. I hope this is a small comfort to you. You are not alone.

  • sarah Monday, September 15, 2014, 11:22 am

    you are a mother, and your story is beautiful. your body is beautiful and every mark, jiggle, bit of extra skin, is a memento of your beautiful daughter’s life. thank you for sharing your story.

  • AJ Friday, September 19, 2014, 4:27 am

    Thank you for sharing this beautiful, yet incredibly sad story.

  • danielle Sunday, September 21, 2014, 10:49 am

    I’m so sorry you went through such a traumatic experience. Your story is so touching I literally balled my eyes out. I hope you are able to find peace one day.

  • Paula Friday, September 26, 2014, 8:28 pm

    WOw, your story has made me cry. Someone close to me experienced multilple losses such as yours, and it is always so hard to manage grief during a time when you are expecting to feel joy. I hope you have sought a support group or some counseling, which can help you feel like you are not alone in your grief and anger. The feelings you described, betrayal, self-blame are all normal feelings, and a good couselor can help you put that in perspective and channel it in a way that won’t cause you so much self-hatred. Neither you nor your body is a failure, you DID nurture your child for 41 weeks, which is an incredible thing in itself. I hope you will begin to see yourself in a beautiful way again, because every scar we bear (internal and external) represents soemthing we’ve lived through and learned from. God bless you!

  • Ish Friday, October 3, 2014, 10:33 am

    I am so sorry.

  • Rachael Saturday, October 11, 2014, 5:47 am

    I am so very sorry and I know exactly how you feel.

    I lost my son at 39 weeks. He died at birth – umbilical cord. When I left the hospital, I remember feeling the same way. Even now, more than two years later, I still struggle to not hate my body not because of the way it looks (It doesn’t look good) but because it hurt my son. I really appreciate the ending to your story. It’s something I try to remember. These marks and imperfections are our battle scars.

    But we have to remember we didn’t do this and that we are mommies. The road has been long for me but I can honestly say it’s getting a little bit better. I miss my son with every fibre of my being. I get so sad sometimes I feel like I can’t take it. But those days are not as often as they were in the beginning. I am a changed person, just like you are, but I promise you that you’ll laugh again and will have some happiness again.

    In fact, I am pregnant again – 6weeks. I waited two years because I was scared and I still am. I’m just trying to not get too anxious.

    After this baby is born, I will tell them about their older brother. It’s important that they know. Our babies are angels but not lost forever. They are in our hearts and memories.

    I wish you all the best and I promise that although you are a changed person and will never be the same again, you will feel happiness once again.

    As someone else said, the support groups were amazing for me because I felt like a failure and that I was alone, but there lots of us out there.

    Much love to you!

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