3 pregnancies, 2 Cesareans, 1 Abortion
Children aged 10 & 8
I had my children in 2001 and 2003. Both of my children are boys and they are the best things that have ever happened to me. I was a single mom for the majority of their lives as their Fathers wanted nothing to do with them. Then after many years and being told I couldn’t get pregnant again, I met the man I always dreamed of! After a short 6 months of dating, I found out I was pregnant.He didn’t want kids of his own. After the abortion, I went through a long period of depression and grief. It is still hard at times, but I am working through it. We are still together, which is nothing short of a miracle. I wrote this letter to my lost one in hopes of easing the pain
I have tried to envision you here with me. I have tried to erase your brief, fleeting memory from my mind, heart and soul. I have tried to forget that you ever existed, that you were part of me. I have tried to make my womb forget you as well. I have tried to ignore you. I have tried to change time, to go back in my mind….. To change the life altering and life ending decision that I made.
You are not the only one who suffered because of my actions. I too have suffered, although my suffering is well deserved. A part of me died the moment you were sucked and scraped out of the safety of my womb.
I torture myself every day with my choice, my inability to correct it, the finality of it all. I both comfort and torture myself playing out your almost was life in my dreams. Were you the Daughter I always dreamed of…..? Would you have been my third Son….? What would you have looked like….? Me or him?
It is difficult for me to know that next month you would be celebrating your 1st Birthday. You would be walking by now, Exploring the world around you. I would be watching you in amazement, proud of all you had accomplished in your first year of life. You would fall asleep in my arms, with your chubby little arms wrapped around me. You would be sleeping peacefully while I smelled your hair and felt blessed to have you in my life. My heart would soar when you said your first word and I would brag to everyone how smart you are. I would shed tears the first time you said mama. My heart would break the first time you got hurt and I would feel helpless when ever you got sick. I would put on a brave face and bite back tears every time you got your shots. I would creep into your room at night and make sure you were still breathing and smile if I accidentally woke you up, then I’d rock you back to sleep. I would sing you lullabies when no one could hear me. I would stare at you in awe for I had created you and that is a miracle. I would have been proud to be your mommy.
All that is nice, I know. But I also know that none of that matters. It doesn’t matter what I would have done… All that matters is what I DID do and that I DIDN’T do the ONE thing that I was supposed to do… And that was to protect you. I can say I am sorry every minute for the rest of my life and it would never be enough. On October 5th, 2009 I found out I was pregnant with you. Immediately, my hand caressed my tummy. You had already started to change my body, my breasts were full and my tummy firm at the bottom where you were, safe in my womb. I had a feeling before that day that I was pregnant, but the impossibility of it pushed it from my mind. As I walked to your Daddy’s home, my mind raced with all the possibilities that you would bring. I didn’t know how everything was going to work out, how I would be able to afford you. But, I knew the most important things… I knew that I already loved you, fiercely. I knew that I wanted you, forever. I knew that you were part of me, my body, my heart and my soul… you were mine. I knew that your big brothers would love you and protect you. I knew that I had done it before, raising your older brothers without any help and not much money. Then why did I do it? I was madly in love with your daddy. On one hand, what I did was selfless…. I wanted to make him happy, no matter how it made me feel. On the other hand, my actions were selfish… I was in love and didn’t want to lose him, regardless of what it meant for you and your life. I don’t believe in Heaven, but if there is one, I know that’s where you will be.. A life cut short, so full of promise, a symbol of hope and love, a miracle from my body.
If I could tell you anything it is this…. I am sorry that I treated you as if you were a parasite, a curse. I am sorry that I chose to not have you but chose to have your big brothers, that is wrong. I am sorry that I will never know you as what you were meant to be; my child. I am sorry that I killed you before you had a chance to live. I loved you from the moment that you were known about. I am sorry that I failed you and had you thrown away in a dumpster. I am sorry that you are my dirty little secret. I am sorry that I cannot say that I did what I thought was best for you.
So, as I sit here every day and mourn you… a nameless, faceless child of mine… I must give you a name and a birthday…. You deserve that, at the very least. If you were a girl, I would have named you Nevaeh. If you were a boy, I would have named you whatever your Daddy chose. I can’t say what because it was never discussed. All I have for a birthday is your due date… June 5th 2010.