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Learning to Be (Anonymous)

September 20, 2011

My story starts in high school when I first started (unknowingly) with anorexia for a couple years. Fast forward to age 21. I got pregnant with my first. I was a healthy weight and honestly didn’t think about weight at that point in my life. I had a healthy baby girl that I had at home. I was happy and ate A LOT! I gained about 20lbs between my first and my second daughter. When I was 25 I was pregnant with my second daughter. Again, it was a beautiful homebirth. She was 10 pounds and did a number to my body! I got a lot of stretch marks but I was ok with it for the most part. At this point I thought I was done having my kids. I had 2 amazing daughters. After my second was born all I did was eat! My weight skyrocketed to 170lbs! I had gotten family vacation pictures back and realized just how heavy and out of shape I was so I decided to do something about it. I dieted. I was good at it! I lived at the gym and counted every morsel of calories that went in to my mouth. In that time I divorced my husband and kept on losing, and losing and losing….. another bout with anorexia. I thought I had in under control but no matter how thin I got I always felt I could be thinner. About 4 years after I divorced I reconnected with an old friend and we fell in love. He is an amazing man. I was upfront from the beginning that I struggled with anorexia and he supported me no questions asked. We were married a year later and in that time I had gotten very sick. I could barely walk and function as human. I was not the mother I wanted to be. My wedding day I weighed a mere 100lbs and I’m 5’10”. I wasn’t even sure I’d be able to walk down the aisle I was so weak. Not only did I vow to love my husband through richer or poorer, I vowed to be there in sickness and in health and I promised I would get healthy again. The week after my honeymoon I did just that. It was the worst, hardest experience of my life. I gained 40lbs in just 1.5 months. Over the course of the next 6 months I gained another 10. I was miserable and depressed but in that time we realized something, we wanted a baby of our own. 3 days after deciding we were pregnant. It was a miracle because doctors weren’t sure if I could have kids again. 9 months and 30lbs later we had a 8lb 12oz baby girl at home.

I’ve been struggling with old habits. I’m trying to lose the baby weight the healthy way. I struggle with body image. By 8 weeks I had lost all the baby weight (30lbs) and now at 13 weeks postpartum I am 6 lbs less than my pre-pregnancy weight. I still feel like I have a ways to go but I am learning acceptance and love for my body. It’s got stretch marks and my belly is a pile of loose skin. My boobs are huge and uncomfortable and my butt is nothing but cellulite but you know what? I’m ok with it. I have a loving husband and 3 amazingly beautiful daughters. I have been blessed in this life. I have lived through anorexia and I can now be a positive role model for my girls.

Pregnancy is a trip and what it does to your body is an even bigger trip but it’s a small price to pay for what you get out of it!

Age: 36
Number of births: 3 homebirths
Age of children: 14, 10, 3 months

1st picture: after 2 pregnancies anorexic but still kind of healthy
2nd picure: 9 months pregnant with 3rd daughter
3rd picture: 13 weeks postpartum

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6 Responses to “Learning to Be (Anonymous)”

  1. shannon Says:
    September 20th, 2011 at 8:45 am

    I think that you look great. You are 5’10″ (at 5′ the ideal weight is 100 lbs…add 5 pounds for every inch after) your “ideal” weight is 150 lbs…so you are doing pretty darn good if you ask me! I think you look amazing right now. You have a fabulously beautiful pregnant belly :) I hope that you are able to keep up with your healthy habbits. You can be the “skinny minny” that you would like to be, but do it the right way :) Anyway, you look perfect the way you are now. Oh, congratulations on 3 home births, that’s awesome!

  2. Amanda Says:
    September 21st, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    Wow, Mama. You look freaking fantastic! Sooo much better now than in the first picture, for that matter. You’ve hardly got any stretch marks at all, and you’re a great curvy shape. Your pregnant belly shot is gorgeous. I don’t see any loose skin at all, but you’re only three months pp. It’ll go away. In the meantime, be super extra proud of yourself. You’re battling a terrible disease, and you’re kicking its ass, to be blunt. I was anorexic in high school but with early counseling, I was able to get it under control before it became a bigger problem than I could handle. My story is on here…The Rewards of Patience. I gained almost seventy lbs with my son, but he’s a miracle, and like you said, worth every bit of the price you have to pay. Cut yourself some slack, and re-post in a few months. I have a feeling that you’ll be as happy as you can be with yourself again by then. With an eating disorder, we’re always works in progress, but you can do this. You’re already doing it, and you look sexy as hell while you’re at it. Three babies, all born at home. That in and of itself is a huge accomplishment. Your body is indeed incredible. I’ll be sending you all the love that you’re not giving yourself. I hope you get it. <3

  3. Marz Says:
    September 22nd, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    i’ve struggled with anorexia and EDNOS pretty much since puberty, so about 13 years. I had a relapse right before I got pregnant and lost 30lbs in less than 3 months. I’m now 20lbs heavier than my pre-preggo state, and having occasional bouts where I purge everything I eat.
    But my advice is to talk to your doctor about possibly getting on some anxiety medication. The doctors put me on it because when I was pregnant I wasn’t gaining enough and had panic attacks every time I ate. And I have to say that I wish I had been more open minded about medication when I was a teenager, because I feel remarkably free. Even times when I purge, I don’t feel that familiar black hatred for my body… so I guess it’s more a force of habit than anything else *shrug* Anyways, I hope you are able to work on maintaining your weight before you try losing it. Eating disorders stay with you forever, so try to be healthy before you try to be thin doll :) I’m sending strength your way <3

  4. Amber Says:
    October 5th, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    You can’t really expect any different only 13 wks pp. You look great.

  5. Amber Says:
    October 5th, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    btw huge congrats!! you are a blessed woman! :)

  6. mlf Says:
    April 9th, 2012 at 9:37 am

    Wow. Your story is so similar to mine. I hardly realized I was anorexic until Baby 1 forced me to take notice and eat _something_ every day. I had them very close together, so I was still carrying “baby pudge” from 1 when I had Baby 2. Baby 2 is now 14, and I’ve been feeling the slide back to anorexia for a few years now. I have one guy friend whose known me since before babies and every time I see him he tells me I’m hotter than ever and didn’t get hot until I was pregnant with Baby 2. (Too skinny until then.) I think I’ll keep seeking him out for the encouragement. ;)
    Thank you for posting your photos. Your beautiful soft curves will help remind me that if they’re beautiful on someone else, maybe they can be beautiful on me, too.

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