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It’s a Fair Trade (Anonymous)

August 1, 2012

~ Age: 27
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies, 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 2 year old and 6 month old

I love my life! I have an amazing, supportive husband and two adorable little boys who I get to spend everyday with as a stay-at-home-mom. We live in a quaint home in a peaceful neighborhood with family close by. It’s wonderful that they can share with us the joys of raising our children.

It’s been a lot of ups and downs in our mere 3.5 years of marriage, including losing our first pregnancy; a missed miscarriage confirmed at 10 weeks. It was a difficult three weeks as we waited for my body to pass the pregnancy naturally but in that time my husband and I grew very close and became certain in our decision to start a family. Fortunately, following the miscarriage, I was very lucky to have two complication free pregnancies (although physically they weren’t easy to get through) and relatively easy and uneventful vaginal deliveries. The crowning moment of my life was when the doctor told me to look down and to take my youngest son by the armpits. I pulled him from me, up to my chest and we met for the first time. I said “Hi baby” and his gaze, while I’m sure quite fuzzy, managed to meet incrediby intensely with mine. In that moment I knew the world and our family was complete.

I read and hear about other women’s stories and journeys into motherhood and I feel so blessed that I have been able to escape many of their difficulties. Yet, there is still a pain I am living with. It’s like a nagging that plagues my mind every second of every day. A nagging that I’m not good enough, not perfect enough. I’m not the wife or mother or housekeeper that I should be. I should be better with money, better with my diet, better about reading to my kids, the list goes on and on. Part of this little voice has always been there in the back of my head, the other part is a little monster that has risen out of PPD and D-MER.

Most people are knowledgeable about post-partum depression, but not with D-MER, so I will explain. D-MER, short for Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex, refers to mood swings created from the drop in dopamine that triggers a milk letdown while breastfeeding. What this means is that every time my son latches on, I get an intense feeling of panic, dread, guilt, frustration, annoyance, etc. The feelings change and are never the same from episode to episode. I have found that these negative feelings that ebb and flow many times throughout the day, along with PPD and sleep deprivation make it very hard to maintain a strong sense of self. I battle my demons with positive thoughts and some help from an antidepressant. I don’t win every battle but so far I am winning the war. Breastfeeding is very important to me and I didn’t want to stop because of this stupid thing called D-MER, so I keep fighting and try to keep winning. I have always had good self esteem and a healthy body image but the physical and emotional toll of bringing my babies into the world and nourishing them has made the negative voices creep in. ‘I’m not good enough. If I was skinnier and fitter then maybe I will be good enough’.

Most days I’m pretty certain that I will get a tummy tuck and a boob lift when we can save the money for it. On my better days I can look past the sagging skin and simply accept that this is the new me. In the mean time I’m trying to lose weight and get in shape. I ran my first 5k a few weeks ago!! Ok, well, I walked half of it. But never in my life did I think I would complete a 5K and I did it just 5 months after having my second baby in less then 2 years!

Currently I weigh 167 lbs. I started both my pregnancies at 174 lbs and got up to 194 lbs with my first and 202 lbs with my second. My current goal weight is 155. I could get down to 135 which is where I was in college, but who am I kidding, I’d rather be a little pudgy and get to enjoy all the tasty food life has to offer then be skinny and have to miss out, lol!

At the end of the day, I’m not thrilled with my body but I have so much in my life to be thankful for so I choose not to stress about it. I have an openhearted and inquisitive toddler who bring so much fun into my life and my 6 month old is a ball of smiles and laughs. I have a husband who is my soul mate and who loves me even at my worst. Those are the only things that really matter in this world. If I have to put up with a little sagging skin for all of that, I’ll call it a fair trade :)

I’m hoping that by sharing my far from perfect body it will help other women feel more comfortable with theirs.

Picture 1: Nursing
Picture 2: What happens when I pull the sag out :(
Picture 3: Side view
Picture 4: The hips that gave me easy deliveries
Picture 5: You can see I just fed on my left side, lol

Updated here.

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10 Responses to “It’s a Fair Trade (Anonymous)”

  1. MJ Says:
    August 1st, 2012 at 7:52 am

    Great pics! Way to go Mama! Your a true inspiration, we look pretty simalair I’m 5’8 180lbs three kiddos and working on getting to 155 also! :)

  2. DLH Says:
    August 1st, 2012 at 10:51 am

    This post made me tear up a little. You sound like you have such a wise, strong approach to life.

    Also, the photos of you nursing are immensely beautiful.

    Finally, you have a fantastic hourglass shape — check out that back view! :)

  3. Emily Says:
    August 1st, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    You have a beautiful figure! I love you body, its so curvy!

  4. fnt Says:
    August 2nd, 2012 at 10:18 am

    You look absolutely HOT!!!!!!! Your body is perfect!!!

  5. alyssa Says:
    August 4th, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    Your story is very inspirational! I had no idea that D-MER existed. I too feel those nagging thoughts, though idk if its just low self-esteem. You are very beautiful! I love the nursing pictures too!!

  6. L Says:
    August 10th, 2012 at 10:38 pm

    Very encouraging:) thanks for sharing. your beautiful! Your shape is awesome. Im a curvy girl also.Love the nursing pics.

  7. Adrian Says:
    August 16th, 2012 at 8:28 am

    There so much that’s uplifting in your post but I could not help being saddened to read “I will get a tummy tuck and boob lift when we can save the money”. Are you sure your husband thinks this is a good idea? Speaking as a guy, I’d love your curvy, womanly figure and the thought of you undergoing surgery when no improvement is needed would really upset me.

  8. MHD Says:
    August 26th, 2012 at 7:13 am

    Thank you Adrian for your thoughtful words. Ill be honest, its nice to hear that a man, other then my husband, could find me attractive. My husband is supportive of whatever I decide but he has always been accepting of my body. He’s my biggest cheerleader when I get down and I adore him for that. It’s funny though, I think less and less about getting surgery. I think I’m coming to terms with my new body instead of longing for what I used to look like.

    I really appreciate all the kind words, this site and everyone here is amazing!

  9. anonymous Says:
    January 10th, 2013 at 1:43 am

    all you need is to tone up i was in your position eating alot of high fiber foods does wonders, jump rope n yoga toned me up im a mother of thee i started 150 with all my pregnancies but i always went back to 150 with jump rope cardio ,no junk food diet, lift weights (dumb bells and bar bellls) n the best discovery well two was a derma roller for elasticity n getting rid of stretch mark n IT WORKS body wrap heaviest i was after birth was 200lbs n alot people never beileve ive had kids

  10. mumof4 Says:
    July 6th, 2014 at 10:24 am

    i saw your most recent post… there is hope for me then not meaning to sound horrid to other mummies out there but i hat the flat boobs and the belly sagging is the worst, i can’t help my boobs come back but i suppose with some exercise i can improve the look and feel of my post 4 baby body! thank you for being brave and posting!!!!


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